Is someone told you they lost their parents when they were “young”, how old would you assume they were?

[Restorationandredecoration]

Title says it all really. Is someone told you they lost both parents when they were young what age range would you assume? What would be the cut off above which you wouldn’t call someone young for losing their parents?

I'd say under 30 is young.
I've two friends who lost their parents at similar ages to you and I'd definitely say they were young.

However you don't know the background of the lady you were speaking to. She may only be 21 with a 4 or 5yo child so has a different view from most of us. Or may have been raised in the care system. Yes she was insensitive and probably spoke without thinking based on her own experience.

Playing devils advocate here because this woman seems very rude but maybe she thought you were demeaning her by calling 23 young.

Obviously I don’t know how old she is but perhaps she is around 23 or had her child at 23 and by you inadvertently saying that age is too young for full emotional maturity and ready for a milestone, it stuck a nerve.

Ignore her though honey, maybe she was having an off day and made a through away comment.

"young" is too vague. not that it's a grief competition but people will not accurately guess what you mean.

I think it's clearer to say "when I was a child" or "when I was at school"

beyond that, you could say "as a teen" "in my twenties" or something

I use one of those options.

"This woman seemed to be accusing me of fishing for sympathy on the basis of what she saw as a lie."

She is a massive utter twat, I would avoid her like the plague.

I would honestly imagine if someone lost a parent as a child they would say I lost my parent when I was a child, or at school etc. So I would assume if someone said young they meant young adult, 17 plus sort of thing, not as a child. Maybe she has her own baggage but either way she was incredibly insensitive.

(yes, 17 is still technically a child, a friend lost her mum at 17 and another lost her mum at 12, they have had similar experiences and so 17 is still very much a child, I should have said 18 plus)...

I think - based on this thread - that people are interpreting 'young' differently. It seems to be a difference between

YOU are young

and

You are young for this life event.

Until fairly recently (1980s onwards) most people had kids in their 20s and 30s - when average life expectancy is about 80 then the majority of people are losing their parents in their 50s and 60s. If you lose a parent in your 30s, and most of your contemporaries don't lose their parents for another 20-30 years then you are going to feel you lost your parents 'early'.

I think under 25, give or take a few years. It depends on individual circumstances. I lost my dad at 22 unexpectedly whilst at university. He was divorced from my mum and was the one who helped me navigate student housing, student loans etc. I lived with him in the holidays. I was therefore a student, still really reliant on him and felt so utterly lost and alone. I do still consider that to have happened when I was very young. Now in my 30s I have my own job, house, am married etc and whilst id still be hit if I lost my mum, I'm totally independent and think it would be a very different experience. Most people these days are still kids into their 20s, having barely left/still in education.

Under 16-a child

You were so young, you poor thing.

Even at 23 you're barely an adult.

I lost my dad at 16 and my mum at 51 and I still felt sorry for myself being an orphan.

I would think young if they lost their parents as a child. However, if someone then told me they meant 19/24 i wouldn't tell them that wasn't young. That woman obviously really put her foot in it and probably feels very embarrassed about what she said. I wouldn't dwell on it too much. Her mistake, not yours.

You were young OP. I’m sorry.

At the other extreme..,my ExDH still has a great grandmother and he's 52!

I lost my Dad very suddenly when I was 25 and i felt very young then. I'd just got married and DD was only 11 months old. My mum fell to pieces for quite a few years. We'd all been so close, it was a very hard time and I grew up fast in the years after.

@MostIneptThatEverStepped

At the other extreme..,my ExDH still has a great grandmother and he's 52!

What? How old is great Granny?

Most people I know who lost their parents when they were in their teens or twenties would now say, at this later stage in their life, "I lost my parents a long while ago". But the woman was rude to respond as she did. Most people know that the appropriate response when someone refers to a death is something like "I'm sorry to hear that".

To have both parents gone at 23 is young. I lost DM early 30's & still consider I was quite young to lose a parent. She was far too young to die. Poor DH lost his dad as a young teen & his sister was only a toddler, so I guess doesn't remember him. I wonder which is worse really, to have spent some time with the father & have memories or to have none & potentially not miss what you never had? I digress, sorry OP. That woman was a right bitch & shouldn't have said that to you.

30 or under.

People who still have their parents into full adulthood can be so insensitive. Next she’ll be complaining to you that her mother (who helps with childcare) is interfering eye roll

Anything up to mid-twenties means the parent was probably not yet retired when they died, so I would consider that quite early for a person to die and mid-twenties to be young to lose a parent.

I would say you're quite young to be without both parents.
I hadn't really given it a thought, but it must be quite hard.

Unless she lost both her parents before she turned 18 and had to fend for herself, then she was just bloody rude.

19 and 23 IS young to lose your parents, I'm so sorry, and so sorry that she was as dismissive as she was. My husband lost his Dad just before he turned 18 - his Dad was 60, which is relatively young anyway (not young young, but not all that old either) and that would definitely count as "young" by most people's measure.

Very rude reaction from the other mum. However, I would only say "I lost my parent(s) young if I was under 18. Otherwise I wouldn't specify age.

Generally, I'd probably think when they were a child, under 18, but 19-23 is definitely a lot younger than you would normally expect to lose your parents, and definitely young. Other woman sounds a bit of a twat, TBH. The reaction when someone tells you that they lost their parents young is "Oh, I'm sorry," not "You weren't that young !"

That they were a child.

I'd assume as a child was under 18 and when young was under 30/35 or so. I was 33 when I lost a parent and it still felt young. In my family/friendship group those of us losing a parent while under 35 are very Much a minority but it's still heartbreaking.

Losing a parent at under 30/35 often means said parent was under 65. You don't expect your parents to not even hit retirement age.

Also regardless she was rude, tactless and insensitive. The only correct answer to I lost my parents when young is surely "I'm so sorry to hear that"

I was 21 when my dad died and I consider that to be young.