Private school or £250k house deposit......

[JanieBP]

For your child. Just that really. DH calculated that to send our DC the whole way through private school will be £250k EACH (including fee increases etc....they are at a private school now, but we are reconsidering). Even the most modest private secondary education is going to set you back £60k per child. Yet almost everyone I meet who went to a private school can’t afford to send their own child privately (well not without significant grandparent help). One dad said to me his aim was to make ‘happy adults’. Doesn’t every parent want happy children- Even grown up ones? As adults if they can afford to get on the property ladder and have a secure home that might make them happier than being able to reminisce about the school play, school cricket matches and match tea.......

A friend of mine went to a prestigious private school. Her mum nearly bankrupted herself as a single parent sending four children there (including generous bursaries). The mum is still suffering the effects of the financial burden. The children all feel incredibly indebted to her and they have an odd family dynamic (from an outsider’s perspective). The friend does the same (average salary NHS job) as me. She can’t afford to get on the property ladder despite being very good at saving. Conversely, I went to (a fairly shit) comprehensive, and my parents were able to help out with a house deposit.

The main benefits of private school is the children are usually from families with higher incomes so by their nature they’re well travelled, were read to as young dc and parents are intelligent. This means there’s a higher ratio of able dc from less chaotic home lives. (Sweeping statement and there will be exceptions). There are still drugs in independent schools - the rich crowds used to live cocaine where I lived. The main benefit is connections for future careers but if you or your child is outside that circle then you’re not gaining a huge amount in my mind. Two of our local independents have gone bankrupt over the last few years which is hugely disruptive for the dc.

I guess it depends on you local state school and your dc but our state school is proving to be fab for dd1. We looked at independents and only one impressed us. It would have meant no holidays so we decided against.

There are ahead of their state school friends academically. Not because my kids are brighter but because our school is able to let them progress much more quicker

That's interesting and I know it depends on the child, the school and parents' input. But my DCs did better at Alevels at state school than their peers from the private primary school they were all at, and who went on to private, unlike mine.

I think it entirely depends on the area in which you live and your children. Some children would thrive whatever school they were in but others need a different environment.

I went to a very rough local comprehensive school and hated it. But others loved it.

I went to state (grammar) then Oxbridge. Having a lump sum from inheritances (although not 250k!) meant I could buy a house early with a small mortgage, which has allowed me to take risks with my career and enjoy life, rather than stick to the sensible boring option. I've been able to fund 6 months unemployment when I really needed a break, I've been able to work internationally and I'm slightly less scared about what a baby will do to my career.

Ok, I went to university not knowing how to ski and with flat vowels, which the private school arses teased me about (Although most of them were lovely. But the knobs were all privately educated) There's no way I will ever be able to compete in the supercar/house on Lake Como rat race, because my uncle isn't a Rothschild. It takes some of the pressure off that the super over-achieving city types seem to feel! So actually, by being a pleb, you get to view some of the idiocy from the safe perspective of facebook, rather than feeling a failure if you don't live up to it.

@shallbe

To me it's a gamble, private doesn't guarantee your child will go on to "better things" they may struggle, rebel, reject it entirely or go on to do something they'd have managed just fine at a state school. A house deposit is a dead cert, some of it could be used for additional qualifications, only time I'd consider it is if the state schools were awful and we couldn't move.

I understand families using private schools if they are wealthy enough they dont have to compromise on anything else, but if there is any kind of sacrifice or better way to spend that money, it'll be a gamble.

Yes, bet on the dead cert!

I went to a private school and when I was a single mother trying to get back in to the workplace, I really struggled, so all the talk of networks is ridiculous imo. i knew a few people who had good jobs but none of them could just give me a job.

I also had very bad teachers at my private school. Long time ago but it happens. The streaming and the can't win situation where I couldn't do honours English because I was in the bottom stream over all just wrecked my motivation and my sense of justice! Was discussing my private school when I had psychotherapy at 37. Now that was money well spent (not my parents')

I know this was something our own parents and our friends parents weighed up. This is only anecdotal of course but my siblings and I all went to private primary, I then went to a grammar and my siblings continued in private education. We are all now in our late twenties and have excellent careers, two of us went to Oxbridge, we are all earning way more than most of our peers and two of us can already afford our own house deposits. Contrast this with a family friend who made the decision to go state education and give their children house deposits. One was bright enough to go to Oxbridge but refused to apply as the stigma at her school was so great, and now has a very poorly paying job. The other trained in performing arts but basically has no drive and is working various minimum wage jobs and has given up on their dream. Of course it’s hard to say exactly how much of this is personality and upbringing driven but if you’re careful about selecting the right private school the education and soft skills given to your child should enable them to afford their own house without your support in most circumstances - one of my own siblings is extremely unacademic but has found a stellar career that pays £60-70k in her late twenties despite not going to university, and I think her education is a big part of being able to do that.

Of course it also depends hugely on the local state schools - my education at a grammar was academically as good as my siblings’ private education, although they certainly had much more extra curricular support.

I’m very much in the same boat - pregnant with our first, could just about afford private school but it will be a stretch and a huge trade off with other choices such as me working part time, or how many children we have.

House.

@stodgystollen I think this is a real gift, that you give to yourself or to your child, the freedom to do what you love, the freedom to resign, take a risk, take the job you love not the better paid of two options.

Also to add, if weighing up the whole private/state school issue right now the additional question to ask, which maybe overrides the whole can/we can't we afford it, is how viable is the school to ride out the economic damage of COVID. I think I read somewhere that, particularly for the smaller fee paying schools, up to 30% could close permanently if they haven't already got sound financial back up in place.

From my experience, those I know who went to private school (think Eton in some cases) have not ended up in any better position than those I know who didn’t (I did not go to a private school).

In fact, the most impressive people I know didn’t go to a private school.

When I started university, the ones (mostly boys) I met there who had gone to a private school were all a bit twat-ish, self-entitled and definitely not worldly. Their parents managed to engineer careers for them after, though. But how depressing is that? School pushed them through exams, tutors pushed them through university, parents pushed them through work. How can that make a well-rounded and happy adult?

In my opinion, unless the state school option isn’t good for your child for whatever specific reason (and I think there really are valid times when a private school is best if you can afford it), private schooling is a waste of money.

There are lots of misconceptions about both state and independent schools on this thread

I wholly agree!

OP - I have a lot of experience of both sectors, both professionally and through my own DC. It depends on what your DC are like and what your local state/private schools are like as to where they would best be educated. There’s great & poor state schools & there are great & poor private schools.

Don’t be swayed by people’s anecdotal data, chips-on-shoulders about where they/their own DCs are educated, preconceptions and prejudices.

We earn over 100K and went to state school. A house deposit of £250K when we were young and struggling would have been amazing. Life changing.
I’d say house deposit every time

@justanotherneighinparadise 👍🏼 I

I don't see any chips on shoulders. I would advise OP ''hOUse!'' for the freedom it gives you. Most people get this is not a chip.

House deposit. I know an awful lot of people who went to private school and they do completely ordinary jobs, and certainly earned no more than I did, and I went to a terribly performing working class state school.
I know that the stats show good outcomes from private schools, but I personally think that is because of a whole range of other privileges these children have, rather than the school.

There are good and bad schools in both sectors, and so much depends on whether the school is the best fit for your child. Most posters will be posting from the benefit of their own experiences. DH, DD and I went to state schools, so I can only give personal experience of the state school system.

We did consider a private school for DD, so she sat the entrance exam while we applied for a bursary (being eligible for one on paper). She passed the exam with flying colours, but we were refused a bursary. We felt that the significant drop in living standards to pay for her education wasn’t worth it, and sent her to the excellent local comprehensive school, where, as stated in my previous post, she did very well. Also, DD isn’t the least bit sporty, and due to distance and the logistics of getting home from school if she missed the school bus she wouldn’t have been able to do any of the extra curriculars anyway.

Her best friend went to the private school and although she has turned out to be a very confident person, she is also very arrogant and didn’t do as well academically as DD did. Also, the school might have academic excellence up to GCSE level, but they haemorrhage 16 year olds to one of the best sixth form colleges in the country, so their sixth form isn’t very highly rated at all.

Money isn't the focal point many would want you to believe. Private school doesn't 'buy' you a better job

There is at least one poster on this thread who thinks so.

Immm I'm not sure that giving a child a £250k deposit is the right kind of way to set them up in life.

What do you want for your children? I don't think private school equates to all children earrning more than those at state but if you are after a high earring potential, why? Our family income is over £100k on a shoddy state education. It isn't what the elite earn but so what. Think about why more money is important. To buy more stuff? Status? To rub shoulders with 'better' people? The better people I know are working minimum wage jobs while supporting homeless people with charity work.

You don't need a private education to enrich your child's life. You can do this. Your child will appreciate doing an activity with you far more than a pushy private education one. Take classes together.

Don't fall for the trap that you need to be rich, and have friends in high places to live a good life.

If it were me I would definitely go with the house. You would have a small mortgage if any, and that leaves more opportunities for you and your family. The money you will save having small repayments or none you can use towards a tutor to top up their schooling. It will leave more savings to help them with their own house deposits. Once the 250k has been spent on private school it's gone, and doesn't mean they'll do better. Plenty of kids who go to a normal school go to good universities and go on to do very well. 250k on a house you will have an asset and more savings. In a perfect word I'd do both but unfortunately that doesn't happen for most people.

We started our kids off at private school. I was state educated myself and it was a stretch, but doable. Then one day I looked around at the other parents who had themselves grown up through the private system. Most of the Dads worked long hours in some sort of law or finance setting, barely saw the kids. Most of the women with these great educations behind them now stayed at home to facilitate the Dads’ careers. And I honestly just looked at my son and daughter and realised I didn’t want that end game scenario for them.

So now my kids are in state education. They’re thriving so far and we’re better able to give them holidays, opportunities, experiences etc, as well as having nearly paid off our mortgage.

I dunno. I got sucked into something when they were tiny but it feels much healthier now we’re out of it. If our local schools were awful though I’d probably feel differently so I don’t judge anyone. Actually we did move house last year and I took much more notice of outstanding local secondaries this time.

School, if it’s a good fit for the DC. Without a doubt.

I went to private school and was miserable for all of secondary school. I just wanted to fit in and be friends with the kids who lived locally. So I would say house deposit.

I think it depends on the schools available to you. The private schools near me are not that amazing in my opinion, and we have a decent selection of state schools.

My 15yo asked me as we were passing the local independent primary what the children in that school learn that is different from the primary she attended. I had to admit they learn pretty much the same thing, but they don't have the children with "issues" like she did in primary, and they have slightly nicer bushes.

Having attended both a really crappy state school and an independent school, I've declined my parents offer to pay for my children's education.

This is me and my DH exactly

Yet almost everyone I meet who went to a private school can’t afford to send their own child privately (well not without significant grandparent help). One dad said to me his aim was to make ‘happy adults’.

This is us (sort of)
We both went to top end academic privates (so city of london/haberdashers rather than harrow) we aren't mad money rich but have good combined income

We purposefully moved to an area with good state schools as well as private options. If they get scholarships/there is a special reason we may go to a "cheap" day school private but the idea is to invest the cash instead so they have a lump sum.