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Original poster

DD10 - First experience being made to feel 'weird' by a grown man. Help me.

145 replies

LadyOfTheFlowers · 02/12/2020 08:05

In town Sunday. Stopped at a bench to put my backpack down and rearrange it after exiting shop. Had DS14 and DD10 with me.
A random bloke about 30 I would say - didn't take much notice - just stood near bench looking at phone.
I'm sorting my bag, DD is slightly behind me to my right side, very close to me. Said bloke is about 3m away also to the right.
DS is behind the bench so directly opposite me passing stuff to put in backpack.
Sort bag, move on.

When we are walking home, DD says to me she feels weird. I ask what about.
"You know when we at the bench, that guy was stood there.... Well he kept staring at me and he was smiling but not. Like he was half smiling, like a little bit and now I just feel a bit weird" Sad

I told her if she had said to me at the time I would have confronted him. She said he kept on so she shuffled round me to hide.

DS chimed in that he saw him and glared at him and he then looked away.

I was so angry at the time that she felt that way. She is 10 years old.

I don't really know what I want anyone to say, it's just playing on my mind. I'm so saddened this has happened and she is only 10. Sad

How do I prepare her for this type of thing? Do I brief her? It's gross. Things like this happen to me but now I am older I have an excellent "Fuck off and die" stare that works quite well and would have no qualms confronting a guy if I was pissed off enough.

OP posts:
SimplyRadishing · 02/12/2020 08:11

Fucking awful. What is wrong with some men?

My mum taught me to say "i am x years old. What exactly do you think you are doing?" In my best "outdoor voice"

And that if anything happens on a crowded tube or train ( ie pervy groping) push away hard (bumping into others gets attention) too make a bit of a scene while yelling your lines.

It served me fairly well.

TheDoctorDances · 02/12/2020 09:23

I’m over cautious due to past experiences so please don’t flame me:

If you can describe him accurately and if there is CCTV it may be worth a report to 101.

If he has the audacity to behave as you have said towards a child who is with their mother, he’s bold enough to keep doing it until someone gets hurt.

Lots of kids are going to be out and about on their own when school breaks up soon. He could be known to police already.

MrsMigginsMate · 02/12/2020 09:27

@TheDoctorDances

I’m over cautious due to past experiences so please don’t flame me:

If you can describe him accurately and if there is CCTV it may be worth a report to 101.

If he has the audacity to behave as you have said towards a child who is with their mother, he’s bold enough to keep doing it until someone gets hurt.

Lots of kids are going to be out and about on their own when school breaks up soon. He could be known to police already.

Report him for what? Staring?

Creeps like that are really good at skirting the law, pushing boundaries just enough to make women feel uncomfortable but leaving them plausible deniability.

MrsMigginsMate · 02/12/2020 09:30

Sorry doctor just re reading my post and wanted to clarify that I didn't mean that in an arsey way. I agree it would be ideal if women could report this sort of stuff but from a police perspective they may just see it as time wasting. Pervs are great at knowing what they can and can't get away with unfortunately.

ImAKaren · 02/12/2020 09:30

I'm sorry it made her feel uncomfortable and it's a good lesson about moving away, turning her back, not making eye contact.
But really just because he smiled at her doesn't mean he was perving over her. She might just have reminded him of his daughter?

sashh · 02/12/2020 09:37

And that if anything happens on a crowded tube or train ( ie pervy groping) push away hard (bumping into others gets attention) too make a bit of a scene while yelling your lines.

If you can grab the hand, "Does anyone know who this belongs to? I just found it on my bum"

I wish my mum had given me that advice @SimplyRadishing OP Please encourage your ds to say something as well if he sees it.

nosswith · 02/12/2020 09:39

Definitely calling out the perverts in a loud voice is something you should advise your daughter to do.

Apileofballyhoo · 02/12/2020 09:45

Have you read The Gift of Fear, OP? Tell your daughter that weird feeling is there to keep her safe. It's not right of course that anybody should make her feel weird, but you can teach her what to do and be proud of herself for recognising that somebody is dangerous.

dasey · 02/12/2020 09:53

Why is it assumed he is a pervert? He looked at her and smiled. I sometimes smile at children, for any number of reasons, none of them because I'm a pervert.

SunshineOutdoors · 02/12/2020 09:54

My dd(8) recently told me a man had been staring at her and made her feel uncomfortable. I had a chat with her, and said to always listen to yourself if you get that ‘spidery’ feeling. 99% of the time it’s probably fine, but unfortunately there’s a chance it might not be. So to listen to your instincts and think of what you could do to make yourself safe. e.g come and find me, get away from the situation, shout out if you need to. It is a tricky one because that one incident could have been something and nothing, but I felt it important not to dismiss it and her feelings of being uncomfortable, without giving her a fear with no answer if that makes sense.

ImAKaren · 02/12/2020 09:57

@dasey

Why is it assumed he is a pervert? He looked at her and smiled. I sometimes smile at children, for any number of reasons, none of them because I'm a pervert.
Exactly; when I see two little sisters playing I smile because it reminds me of my DDs when they were still young enough to like each other.
MedusasBadHairDay · 02/12/2020 09:58

@dasey

Why is it assumed he is a pervert? He looked at her and smiled. I sometimes smile at children, for any number of reasons, none of them because I'm a pervert.
Both the daughter and the son thought it wasn't an innocent friendly smile. IME it's easy to tell the difference.
Chickenwing · 02/12/2020 10:04

I often smile at children. I smile at adults too. Do people think I'm a pervert?

Mustbe3ormorecharacters · 02/12/2020 10:36

Are men not allowed to smile at women or children?

GrumpyHoonMain · 02/12/2020 10:40

@Chickenwing

I often smile at children. I smile at adults too. Do people think I'm a pervert?
It doesn’t matter what you think. The child was uncomfortable and so because it makes the child uncomfortable it should be challenged. One of my first ‘weirded out’ experiences was via a woman when I was 9 and on my way back from school - she was later arrested for trying to snatch a girl a bit younger than me. We should never be teaching kids to ignore their instincts ‘just in case’ they’re wrong.
7Days · 02/12/2020 10:41

Fgs, some of you lot are acting like the child like the child never received a smile in her life before.

She probably got 20 smiles that afternoon already, because most people are normal and friendly and like children

She picked up on a different quality to this man. And the poor child didn't understand the difference. But she knew there was a difference.

VenusClapTrap · 02/12/2020 10:46

Teach her to trust her instincts. There is a difference between a friendly smile and one that’s... predatory.

ladybee28 · 02/12/2020 10:57

@Mustbe3ormorecharacters

Are men not allowed to smile at women or children?
Not in a way that makes them uncomfortable, no.

Not while staring at them for an extended period of time.

There's a big difference between making brief eye contact and smiling in a friendly way, and doing what the OP's DD described.

Surely you're not so tone deaf that you can't see the difference.

LaBellina · 02/12/2020 11:01

Use this as a lesson: if she picks up weird vibes from someone it's her gut feeling screaming at her to remove herself from the situation asap without engaging with said person.

EggBobbin · 02/12/2020 11:15

To echo pp’s I think the main thing is not to minimise it- tell her to listen to those weird vibes and remove herself from situations in future/ask for help.

If he’s a decent guy reminiscing about his own kids as other pp’s suggest he’d totally understand and be glad she knows how to stay safe.

babbaloushka · 02/12/2020 11:16

Both children identified this man as not a friendly smiler, they have a much better read of the situation of the PPs saying I aLwAys sMiLe aT kIdS aNd tHeY lOvE mE. Better to validate the kids' ill-feeling than teach them to ignore it, many horrible things happen because these feelings are ignored.

Wyntersdiary · 02/12/2020 11:37

Thing is there is a difference between a little smile at someone and staring at them and no excuse to stare at a little girl o_0 @Mustbe3ormorecharacters

Especially These times with how many Paedophiles there are out there, if i was a man i would do everything in my power to not make a young girl feel uncomfortable and staring at someone whilst smiling is creepy.

daisyjgrey · 02/12/2020 11:44

@Mustbe3ormorecharacters

Are men not allowed to smile at women or children?
Preferably not for no reason whatsoever, no.

If you've turned the street corner and bump into each other than a smile and a 'oops sorry'? Fine.

If you're both walking towards each other on a pavement and she moves out of your way? Fine.

Did you drop your wallet and she's picked it up and passed it to you or pointed it out to you that you've dropped it? Fine.

Are you leaning against a tree by yourself and smirking/smiling for no obvious reason at a woman and her small children? No, don't smile, thanks.

Are you sitting in her eye line on the bus and just randomly smiling at her trying to catch her eye while she's reading a book? Again, no.

As an adult woman, I'd infinitely prefer it if all men could keep their unsolicited smiles to themselves. Masks are a god send.

daisyjgrey · 02/12/2020 11:46

Especially These times with how many Paedophiles there are out there, if i was a man i would do everything in my power to not make a young girl feel uncomfortable and staring at someone whilst smiling is creepy.

Exactly this. Whyyy would you take the 'can men do NOTHING without being classed as PERVERTS anymore?' stance and just do your best to NOT look like a bloody perv by smiling at random children.

Original poster
LadyOfTheFlowers · 02/12/2020 11:55

I knew the 'are men not allowed to smile?' people would descend.

Yes men can smile, but in a way that makes a woman or in this case a 10 year old feel grubby and uncomfortable, no. That's gross.
As women I'm sure we all know the difference. It happens. I just didn't think it would happen while she was only 10. Explaining to her why she felt uncomfortable is difficult. I wanted advice on how I explain it without scaring the living daylights out of her.

OP posts:
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