DD10 - First experience being made to feel 'weird' by a grown man. Help me.

[LadyOfTheFlowers]

In town Sunday. Stopped at a bench to put my backpack down and rearrange it after exiting shop. Had DS14 and DD10 with me.
A random bloke about 30 I would say - didn't take much notice - just stood near bench looking at phone.
I'm sorting my bag, DD is slightly behind me to my right side, very close to me. Said bloke is about 3m away also to the right.
DS is behind the bench so directly opposite me passing stuff to put in backpack.
Sort bag, move on.

When we are walking home, DD says to me she feels weird. I ask what about.
"You know when we at the bench, that guy was stood there.... Well he kept staring at me and he was smiling but not. Like he was half smiling, like a little bit and now I just feel a bit weird"

I told her if she had said to me at the time I would have confronted him. She said he kept on so she shuffled round me to hide.

DS chimed in that he saw him and glared at him and he then looked away.

I was so angry at the time that she felt that way. She is 10 years old.

I don't really know what I want anyone to say, it's just playing on my mind. I'm so saddened this has happened and she is only 10.

How do I prepare her for this type of thing? Do I brief her? It's gross. Things like this happen to me but now I am older I have an excellent "Fuck off and die" stare that works quite well and would have no qualms confronting a guy if I was pissed off enough.

Why all these secret words ?🙄 Are you trying to spare the men’s feelings? Surely “mum that man is staring at me” said extremely loudly is the way to go?

Any child with a brain can feign tummy ache to get out of a sleepover. Perves need to be called out - preferably publicly shamed.

Are you trying to spare the men’s feelings?
No, the child's.

Perves need to be called out - preferably publicly shamed
And you would put the responsibility for this on to the child's shoulders?

I'd much sooner my child say the agreed "Mum, can we have jacket potato for tea?" And me get immediatley that she feels she is in this situation than expect my 8yo dd to feel any pressure to stand up to a stranger. She is less likely to act if I put the responsibility for this onto her.

On hearing her cryptic sentence I can look, see who she means, and tackle them myself.

@MsTSwift

Why all these secret words ?🙄 Are you trying to spare the men’s feelings? Surely “mum that man is staring at me” said extremely loudly is the way to go?

What Bernadette said. In the OPs situation, her child didn't feel able to say.

A man said hello to my 11yo DD and her friend on their way home from school once and I reported him to the police.

I reported him, because the way he said it and the way he looked at them made them feel so uncomfortable and scared that they ran away as fast as they could.

The police took it very seriously and it turned out he had approached other young girls and tried to engage them in conversation. It was outside a primary school. They contacted the local schools, all the parents got an email, and all the students had talks from staff about staying safe.

I felt ridiculous for reporting someone for saying hello but I wasn't there to witness it and I think they do need to learn to trust their instincts. Kids aren't stupid.

I've told my DD that it's fine to run away, shout for help or whatever if a stranger makes her feel uncomfortable - she shouldn't feel the need to be polite. There are very few good reasons why an adult would approach children that they didn't know.

OP, I think you could report this incident, as the man may be known already. It won't do any harm to flag it up.

This shit thrives on shame and secrecy. Put the spotlight on them. Hopefully another man will take it upon himself to punch the perve in the face as happened to a friend of a friend on a tube. Everyone else cheered.

I cannot BELIEVE people have turned up here saying "what, can't you smile at a kid anymore".

I was not a particularly pretty child or teenager, and I still had my share of creeps. I'm amazed that any woman here pretend they wouldn't know the difference. And no, its never a compliment.

I think most men are paedophiles. I've seen dads leering at 12/13 year old girls when out with my infant daughter. Sickening.

Oh God, the deeply disingenuous are out in force on this theead. 🙄

No, you’re not a ‘pervert’ if you smile at a child.

But you are clearly very socially inept, if you can’t tell when someone is being friendly. Or not.

Most people can. Very easily. Sorry if that’s a skill you don’t have.

🙄

You should be proud of your DD- her instincts told her the man wasn't safe & she acted to ensure her safety.

Can't understand previous posters. We keep getting told we are over-protective of children nowadays - dropping them here there and everywhere, helicopter parenting etc. When a child acts LIKE WE'VE TAUGHT THEM TO they're bleating about poor men and their feelings. Fair play to your dd!

I shy away from confrontation but my fad told me to be loud about it. ‘STOP TOUCHING ME!’ ‘DO I KNOW YOU? WELL WHY ARE YOU STARING’. I did do the hand stuck to bum thing in a train. We were all queuing to get off bc and the guy behind me grabbed my bum. I grabbed his hand and put it in the air and said loudly ‘excuse he has anyone lost this? I just found it stuck to my Arse!’ He went scarlet.

Watch out for others, if I see a girl looking uncomfortable i will go up and pretend to know her, there is daftest in numbers. We should be taking care to help each other if we see it.

Ooh well done bashful. I am not polite any more. If I catch anyone perving at my girls there won’t be shy looks and code words they will get an extremely loud and embarrassing public incident.

If I catch anyone perving at my girls there won’t be shy looks and code words they will get an extremely loud and embarrassing public incident

And what would your girls do if you didn't notice the perv?

@MsTSwift train them it is ok to be loud and draw attention to it. I did feel unsafe once as there was no one around, i was waiting for my husband at an empty station. A guy kept chatting but doing that thing where they continually move into your space. He had sunglasses on and I couldn’t read his face but so etching felt ‘off’. I have never been so glad to see our car.

You said it made her feel wierd now your saying grubby. did she say that or you? Why did she feal that. Your son you say noticed and looked away so was he really that bothered. Why wouldn,t he move or tell you if he was bothered. Yes their are wierdos out there and it,s good to teach her that, but at the same time a cat can look at a king.

FFS. Absolutely no evidence he was a pervert or had any dodgy motive.

@MsTSwift

Any child with a brain can feign tummy ache to get out of a sleepover. Perves need to be called out - preferably publicly shamed.

Not all children feel confident standing up to their peers. I’d much rather my daughter (granted she’s only 6 at the moment) sent me a text late at night to say she’s not comfortable and could do the whole “my mum is so uncool” or “grandad is sick I’ve got to go home” to her friends than stay in a situation that she was unhappy with.

Once she’s old enough to go out alone with friends I will be drumming it into her that no matter where she is or what the time is I (or her dad) will come and get her no questions asked. All of the above equally applies to my son.

I remember feeling uncomfortable around men at times when I was younger and I feel for OP’s daughter but exactly what evidence is there that the man was a pervert?!

@MsTSwift

Ooh well done bashful. I am not polite any more. If I catch anyone perving at my girls there won’t be shy looks and code words they will get an extremely loud and embarrassing public incident.

As a grown woman, you have the emotional capacity to do that, and to model it for your girls.

The OP's daughter is 10. She shouldn't have to fight those battles if she doesn't want to or feel ready to yet.

That's why a safeword is helpful – because I'd rather my kid felt able to let me know in the moment that she needed help, rather than her stay silent because she didn't feel ready to confront an adult man herself. And I will not push any little girl to be ready for that before she's ready for that, no matter how militant or angry or righteous I feel.

@CanICelebrate

FFS. Absolutely no evidence he was a pervert or had any dodgy motive.

Who gives a shit?

It made her uncomfortable and she wanted him not to do it.

This generation of men had better get used to this generation of young women calling them out. If they don’t like it, then they can just not do it.

@MerchantOfVenom
If they don’t like it, then they can just not do it.

Do what?! Smile in the presence of a girl? Stand in the presence of a girl? I’ve been sexually assaulted and it’s fucking awful but that is NOT what happened in the OP.

@MerchantOfVenom what have I missed in the OP? I’ve genuinely reread it a few times and this man didn’t do anything dodgy.

It’s good to teach girls about potential dangers but not to have a go at men who’ve essentially done nothing ‘wrong’ but be in the vicinity of a girl and happen to smile/ look in her direction.

When DD was about 5 or so (so I’m not sure if she would even remember it), we were on a bus together, and the man in the seat in front of us kept turning around, looking at us, grinning and generally making both of us feel uncomfortable.

I asked him to please leave us alone.

DD’s head whipped around to look at me with wide eyes. I gave her a smile and we kept taking, but as soon as we got off the bus, I told her it’s absolutely fine - more than fine, in fact - to be rude to anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable.

I get smiled at by passers-by in the street, and even on public transport - all the time. I know full well the difference between a friendly smile, and someone who’s making me feel uncomfortable.

He may have had underlying issues. I could not care less. Not my problem strange man, just get out of my space.

@CanICelebrate

I remember feeling uncomfortable around men at times when I was younger and I feel for OP’s daughter but exactly what evidence is there that the man was a pervert?!

There isn't. But the DD felt uncomfortable, and the OP's thinking about how to help her address situations like this in the future.

Also why a family codeword is helpful – it stops your kids yelling "PERVERT! PERVERT! GET AWAY, PERVERT!" in any situation, as some posters seem hellbent on teaching their daughters to do.

Sometimes it's appropriate, sometimes a death stare from a parent is enough.

10 year olds may not have the emotional wherewithal to be able to read the difference.