DD10 - First experience being made to feel 'weird' by a grown man. Help me.

[LadyOfTheFlowers]

In town Sunday. Stopped at a bench to put my backpack down and rearrange it after exiting shop. Had DS14 and DD10 with me.
A random bloke about 30 I would say - didn't take much notice - just stood near bench looking at phone.
I'm sorting my bag, DD is slightly behind me to my right side, very close to me. Said bloke is about 3m away also to the right.
DS is behind the bench so directly opposite me passing stuff to put in backpack.
Sort bag, move on.

When we are walking home, DD says to me she feels weird. I ask what about.
"You know when we at the bench, that guy was stood there.... Well he kept staring at me and he was smiling but not. Like he was half smiling, like a little bit and now I just feel a bit weird"

I told her if she had said to me at the time I would have confronted him. She said he kept on so she shuffled round me to hide.

DS chimed in that he saw him and glared at him and he then looked away.

I was so angry at the time that she felt that way. She is 10 years old.

I don't really know what I want anyone to say, it's just playing on my mind. I'm so saddened this has happened and she is only 10.

How do I prepare her for this type of thing? Do I brief her? It's gross. Things like this happen to me but now I am older I have an excellent "Fuck off and die" stare that works quite well and would have no qualms confronting a guy if I was pissed off enough.

I think, personally, look forward to having that conversation with your children. You are giving them the tools to keep themselves safe. In a way our parents far too often, did not. This is a gift, of awareness, of ability, of power.

I really don't give a shit if my kids get it wrong and hurt a man's feelings. I'm far more concerned that my kids know how to do their best to keep themselves safe, and to feel safe. After all, the man is a big ol' grown up. Who's the vulnerable party here?

@Mustbe3ormorecharacters

Are men not allowed to smile at women or children?

if your 10 year old said what the OP's did would you dismiss her like this? Tell her she has no right to feel weird as men are allowed to smile at women and children and her feeling weird must be her problem?

Women are conditioned to put up with shit from men by just this attitude.

@Oxyiz and @MerchantOfVenom . I have indeed read the full thread, I'm a grandma in my 50's and indeed smile at children, dogs, other adults. I have experience of sexual abuse unfortunately far closer than I ever wanted including family and criminal court. However calling the police in the incident stated is ridiculous, wasting police time and potentially stopping them helping someone who really needs help. Someone smiling whether the child finds it creepy or not when the mother is present and in a public place is not a case for the police. If the child was in danger or alone I would be the first to report b

People need to stop trying to find an excuse for this man. We all know the difference between a smile and a leer. The perverts certainly started for me about this age, I remember feeling horrendously embarrassed whenever it happened. You’ve had some great advice which I’m going to remember for my DD when she’s older.

DD was a stunning child, will never forget when she was around 9 years old at a Costa cafe with her cousin. An older man positively leering! The whole time we were there he didn’t take his eyes off her. I eventually said to him “Stop looking at my daughter right now!”

It really shook me up. It’s disgusting.

[quote dotty12345]**@Oxyiz* and @MerchantOfVenom* . I have indeed read the full thread, I'm a grandma in my 50's and indeed smile at children, dogs, other adults. I have experience of sexual abuse unfortunately far closer than I ever wanted including family and criminal court. However calling the police in the incident stated is ridiculous, wasting police time and potentially stopping them helping someone who really needs help. Someone smiling whether the child finds it creepy or not when the mother is present and in a public place is not a case for the police. If the child was in danger or alone I would be the first to report b[/quote]

The main point here, is that you are female. You smiling pleasantly and briefly at my daughter on a swing carries much less of a threat than a man of a similar age doing the same. Don't downplay peoples experiences based on how you feel about your own.

Zolagrey I think that is a dangerous angle. It alsmost is saying that women are more trust worthy but women have been known to abuse or to groom.

Statistically speaking, fewer women have been known to abuse or groom. However, I do think that children should not be taught that only men can be inappropriate or abusive. Where I come from, one of the most recalcitrant and prolifically inappropriate people around children, due to mental health issues, is a woman.

[quote dotty12345]**@Oxyiz* and @MerchantOfVenom* . I have indeed read the full thread, I'm a grandma in my 50's and indeed smile at children, dogs, other adults. I have experience of sexual abuse unfortunately far closer than I ever wanted including family and criminal court. However calling the police in the incident stated is ridiculous, wasting police time and potentially stopping them helping someone who really needs help. Someone smiling whether the child finds it creepy or not when the mother is present and in a public place is not a case for the police. If the child was in danger or alone I would be the first to report b[/quote]
Way to miss the point. You asked if you should ‘stop smiling at children in case someone calls the police?’

Are you genuinely this simple-minded that you think ‘smiling at children’ is a problem?

Smiling in a friendly way at children is absolutely fine, as I’m sure you know full well.

Being a creep is not OK. And you can relax, I don’t think the OP has any intention of involving the police in the matter. She’s had some great advice on how to deal with this, when (not if) it happens in future, that doesn’t include involving the law.

But women are way less likely to do all this random shit, and worse, than men.

No one says trust all women trust no men. But to pretend the behaviour is equal from both sides is just ridiculous.

Not it,s not equal ofcourse not but not all men are bad, and not all women inocent.

No one says trust all women trust no men. But to pretend the behaviour is equal from both sides is just ridiculous.

Exactly, but the deliberately obtuse (I’m certain they’re not actually that dense) creep apologists will absolutely try to argue otherwise!

I literally said that June.

From my point of view. Human beings can tell creepy/ not creepy.

In this case two children thought he was creepy.

But nonono that's not fair on the poor fella

However, in this situation, a little girl felt very uncomfortable as a result of a man's continued behaviour. Should he, perhaps, been able to have read the room? If he couldn't, for whatever reason, that does not negate the child's distress and fear, or her mother's upset that her child felt this way as a result of this man's ongoing behaviour. . .

OP I'm sorry your DD experienced this. Have a look at teaching her about her 'early warning signs' it's part of protective behaviours which my kids school do and it is great at helping kids understand that gut feeling that something isn't right.

I think that listening to your instincts instincts is way better than telling children that it's not fair on the man/ he hasn't done anything etc.

That was how I grew up with the idea that I should be polite and it would be somehow rude to eg move away from a bloke who was creeping me out on the tube.

A couple of posts have touched on, it's not a problem till he actually does something which is not good.

And tell her to always trust her instincts, op.

Actually if anything a child’s creep radar will be better than an older persons as it’s not overlaid with years of social conditioning about being polite etc.

Standing joke that my sunny good natured little sister hated a friend of the family - the nice middle class senior teacher family man dad of family we holidayed with. This little 3 year old would say “I hate that man”. You can guess the rest. He ended up losing his job and narrowly avoiding jail for shagging sixth formers when he was mid 40s. Left the family and now lives in Thailand. My 3 year old sister was spot on none of us saw it.

That's awful for your dd, I started getting it at a similar age.
My dd used to get men trying to stroke her face and ruffle her hair. I love social distancing for this.

When we went holidays as a child lots of people would stroke my hair, strangers would buy us treats. We would order one thing and get a "special" on the side or instead. Sometimes from men sometimes from women. Some of these were creepy, some made me uncomfortable but others were simply people enjoying seeing children playing and were innocent. Could I tell which was which.... no I don,t think i could.