DD10 - First experience being made to feel 'weird' by a grown man. Help me.

[LadyOfTheFlowers]

In town Sunday. Stopped at a bench to put my backpack down and rearrange it after exiting shop. Had DS14 and DD10 with me.
A random bloke about 30 I would say - didn't take much notice - just stood near bench looking at phone.
I'm sorting my bag, DD is slightly behind me to my right side, very close to me. Said bloke is about 3m away also to the right.
DS is behind the bench so directly opposite me passing stuff to put in backpack.
Sort bag, move on.

When we are walking home, DD says to me she feels weird. I ask what about.
"You know when we at the bench, that guy was stood there.... Well he kept staring at me and he was smiling but not. Like he was half smiling, like a little bit and now I just feel a bit weird"

I told her if she had said to me at the time I would have confronted him. She said he kept on so she shuffled round me to hide.

DS chimed in that he saw him and glared at him and he then looked away.

I was so angry at the time that she felt that way. She is 10 years old.

I don't really know what I want anyone to say, it's just playing on my mind. I'm so saddened this has happened and she is only 10.

How do I prepare her for this type of thing? Do I brief her? It's gross. Things like this happen to me but now I am older I have an excellent "Fuck off and die" stare that works quite well and would have no qualms confronting a guy if I was pissed off enough.

Also get across that all those lessons about being polite and careful of others feelings no longer apply in these situations. These creeps rely on girls meek socialisation.

A few issues do not deny the childsd feelings. But then don,t label a man you didn,t even notice a creepy.

But then don,t label a man you didn,t even notice a creepy.

If it’s all the same with you, I will absolutely continue to do that, and tell my DD he is ‘creepy’, and to feel free to be rude to him.

June, a young girl found him creepy. Why are you trivialising and discounting her instincts?

What is behind this seemingly desperate need to protect the feelings of men (adults) who are making girls (children) feel uncomfortable?

It is odd to me, and to be honest, seems to mark those who have rock solid boundaries that they’re entirely comfortable with, and those who don’t.

If my daughter finds their behaviour creepy, because it's creeping them out, then his behaviour is creepy. There might be non-creepy reasons for the behaviour, but my daughter is not to know that, and she is allowed to find his unwelcome attentions creepy, to do what she needs to make herself feel safe, and to alert those responsible for her welfare to how she's feeling and why.

i wish someone had told me it was ok to be rude, or to ignore, walk away from any creepy man, when i was a youngster.
but such things were never mentioned; at school, at home or in the media.
so the default mode of oughteries held sway; ought to be polite, and attentive esp to anyone older.
this is one area where i think things are much better now.

There has been alot of great advice on this thread.

I remmebr walking with my then 2 year old DS in the street. A man looked at him in such a way that I felt physically ill, and picked my child up, and turned us both away. The man did nothing more than look.

Ds is 11 now and I still remember that look. It was a lascivious look. It was unmistakeable.

When I was aged about 8 my uncle grabbed my breasts and tongued kissed me and said i was getting ripe. I punched him and my mother smacked me and said 'i do not care what anyone does or says to you, you never be rude'.

I have never forgotten it.

I now have the misfortune to work with sex offenders. They really are everywhere. they really are masquerading as nice kind men being all innocent and more often they not they think they are the victims. I have had clients sob their hearts out for being misunderstood (after impregnating their own teen daughters'.)

The Op knew there was something wrong. The DD knew there was something wrong. The DS knew there was something wrong.

That's enough to say there was something wrong.

Bloody hell, I often smile at children, should I stop in case I'm reported to the police? The child was in no danger, with her mother, this is over the top and ridiculous

Great post Purple if sad.

Agree with the 😮 at the concern for these mens feelings 🙄. Even if they are glared at and are innocent a decent man would understand why. Like men who cross the road in the dark so as not to walk behind line women.

Lone

Yes dotty, if you're being creepy, please stop. Well done for being brave enough to admit it online.

Report it to the police with date and time, incase he's a weirdo. They will have it on cctv.
Sending hugs. X

If he's a sensible 30 odd year old fella he should know better than to be lurking around children, grinning insanely?

I couldn't give a shit how these men feel. I'll be telling my daughter to stare them down, if necessary tell them to fuck off.

Women and girls have spent CENTURIES keeping quiet due to men's pecadillos, I'm buggered if my kid is gonna be subject to more of it.

In all my life, the time I was most perved on/'chatted up' was under 16. Men are for the most part, revolting.

@dotty12345

Bloody hell, I often smile at children, should I stop in case I'm reported to the police? The child was in no danger, with her mother, this is over the top and ridiculous

@dotty12345 - you are way behind the times. RTFT.

A load of simple-minded and/or socially inept people have already come on to the thread to make this silly point, and have been roundly dismissed.

But, in short, if you’re making children feel uncomfortable then yes, please do stop.

REport what to the police? A man looked at my child and she became uncomfotable?? If it was mentioneed to a police man at the time then yes they could perhaps have a word with the man even if it was innocent they could move him on, but latter their is nothing to tell.

Thank you for all the helpful suggestions.

I asked because my mother always told me to be polite and not be rude and as a young teen I regularly went for sleepovers at a friends house where her dad would constantly ask us if we had grown any pubes yet and how were our tits coming along. On more than one occasion he opened the bedroom door when he thought we were asleep and just stood there - thankfully he never came in.
On a holiday I went on with them he got us to paddle in the sea far enough to 'get our little mops wet' in the water.
At the time I didn't say anything to my mother because although I found him repulsive and creepy, I couldn't be rude and they were a 'nice family with a lovely house and plenty of money' so I would have been told not to be so silly etc.

I also got flashed at the local swimming baths - a man sat on the table next to us facing us with the crotch of his trousers completely non existent and no underwear on, his legs as wide apart as he could get them, disgusting grin on his face. I hissed across the table at my mother "that man's willy is out and he is smiling!!" and was told "Don't be rude - he might have something wrong with him" so I sat there, staring straight ahead but with him in the corner of my eye, feeling sick and getting hotter and hotter until he finally got up and walked away.

I don't want my children to feel like that ever. I didn't realise until I was much older what had really happened in both those different situations.

At various times in my life I have been leered at and made to feel uncomfortable by bosses in jobs, workmen, men in the street, men in bars etc
I have been catcalled while heavily pregnant - I did lose my shit on that occasion and call that guy out.
A few years back a man put his hand up my skirt when I stood up to go to the loo in a pub.
A man has sat next to me and my friend in a bar and put his arm round me and refused to remove it. A complete stranger. My friend had to go and get the security guard to remove him as when I tried to get up myself he pulled me back down.

None of this stuff I ever had any warning about. I want my daughter to be prepared and I was going to tell her things like this happen and it's not ok, I just didn't think it would be at 10 years old.
I know how I'm going to broach it now and again thanks for the helpful posts.

My parents were great but this was never mentioned so when I began to get the usual grim hassle from men from 12 ish onwards I was on my own.

Funniest was when I was about 13 walked home there was a blue van parked outside our house in it was a grim man wanking. (We lived in a posh village). Went inside mum immediately said “a man in a blue van tried to get a child into his van today so be careful” I said “he’s outside our house and just flashed at me!” She was making tea and didn’t really react. I assumed from her response it wasn’t a big deal. Mentioned it recently she thought I meant a van flashed his lights! If a sex offender was sitting outside our house wanking I would be out there with a frying pan!

Hrft, but whereas I do understand why some will say, "what's wrong with a man smiling at a child?"etc, we do have instincts for a reason and as an early pp said, those feelings are there to protect us. Sometimes they're right, occasionally they're wrong, but I wholeheartedly believe in them.

My dd has had similar experience lots of times and over the past 5 years or so. She's just turned 14

I have seen it myself too and the blood certainly boils. I did once confront a man (probably late 50's) when dd was around 11, as he was blatantly staring. Gawping actually. Looking her up and down in the creepiest way I've seen in a long time. At first, with raised eyebrows and with a mother bear growl no doubt to my voice, I asked if he was ok and he looked quite shocked. Then I blurted out "what are you looking at?! My 11 year old daughter?!" and he quickly looked away in embarrassment. I remember it was a searing hot day and dd was wearing shorts and a spaghetti strap top. She was still clearly A CHILD, but the way he was looking at her was disgusting. Like because she was showing some flesh, she was inviting this kind of creepy leering. Makes me shudder and feel sick.

Of course not all men are like this. Majority aren't, but my goodness it's scary how many are.

I remember exactly same happening to me at the same age. At 13 I was getting chatted up reguarly by grown men. Cat called, pursued, followed even and we have pretty much all been there.

That's rather telling, as well as utterly depressing.

Sadly it is past experience that has made me cynical so I have now have zero patience or sympathy with the “poor men now we can’t smile at a child” brigade🙄 and will err on the side of suspicion rather than benefit of the doubt. Don’t blame me for my attitude it’s just a response to my own direct experience of men’s past behaviour.

@lollipoprainbow

Overreaction much ??

Nope. It's called instinct. It's in response to potentially harmful situations.

Do we subdue that instinct by saying "awww, be nice! He was just being friendly"?

Or do we acknowledge it and educate our vulnerable children.

The Male Gaze. You've all been in the receiving end, I guarantee. Fucking men, need to sort their shit out.

I watched a man, watch the retreating figure of my daughter in the park and his eyes dropped to gaze at her backside. He saw that I'd clocked him and he knew. I glared as hard as I could - felt such anger.

OP - I hear you. I don't want to have that conversation with my DD. I don't want to gently have to tell her that not all men are like her Dad and Grandad, but the conversation has to come.

I have now have zero patience or sympathy with the “poor men now we can’t smile at a child” brigade🙄 and will err on the side of suspicion rather than benefit of the doubt.

Exactly this, and what’s even more mind-boggling is those posters on this thread being insulted by being taken to task for their antiquated, inappropriate and downright misogynistic attitudes.

Some women take it as a personal affront that other women aren’t OK with the shitty low level crap (some) men do. It’d be interesting to understand why ... (I certainly have my theories, and they’re not all that kind).

I was told by my parents that cat calling and leering was a ‘morale boost’ when I was a teenager, and that the time to worry would be when I got old and it stopped.

My parents were great in every other way, but their attitude to this shit was astonishing, looking back.

I was told by my parents that cat calling and leering was a ‘morale boost’

Yep, all part of my theory. Some women see this shit as a ‘compliment’. They think being wolf-whistled, stared or leered at (at best) is a compliment.

Given the profile of the type of man who does this sort of thing - i.e. deficient in at least one area of social currency (I can spell those out, but I’m sure you can figure out what I mean), but more likely to be deficient in multiple - it’s categorically not a compliment to any woman who knows her worth.

But point this out to the subset of women who like it, and they won’t thank you for it.