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Original poster

So sad

372 replies

Elfingbell · 23/11/2020 15:06

Last year I felt I had it all - loved my job, bought my first home with the man I loved and had dd, then:
We get hit with astronomical fees for 24hr fire watch in our apartment block. My partner left me for another woman when dd was a few months old. Covid saw me working from home and looking after DD I wasn’t performing at my best and have now lost my job.
I’ve spent 90% of my savings and this week will move back to my hometown and move in with my mentally ill mother.
I’m returning the keys to my apartment to the bank which means I’ve lost my deposit money but frees me from the mortgage, repossession wasn’t far off anyway.
I know I’m lucky having somewhere safe to go and some savings but I’m just so sad that It’s come to this.
I’m not looking for sympathy or advice I just needed to write it down.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2020 08:29

@Elfingbell one day. Keep holding on

Lampzade · 01/12/2020 08:38

I have read the thread and all I can say Op is that you are very fortunate to have such a lovely family ( with the exception of BM).
I think that you are genuinely remorseful . Sometimes hardship can be the catalyst for positive change
I think that you definitely have to distance yourself from your BM. It can be difficult to accept that sometimes parents are not these saintly figures that we imagine them to be. They are individuals with human foibles.

Wishing you the best.

Cantdoitallperfectly · 01/12/2020 09:18

Someone made a good point upthread about your siblings ability to deal with BM, they’ve been strong enough to set clear boundaries with her to maintain some sort of relationship yet keep a healthy relationship with your Dad and SM. I do think you need to go through a period of NC with BM whilst you go through counselling to unravel the past, then if you feel strong strong enough and you want to, you can get back in touch with BM. It’s pretty clear that BM has been manipulating you for years and as a small child to be stuck in the middle between her and your Dad (perceived that your SM is the person stopping you having a loving family with BM and dad) will have been so destructive for you. Whilst a lot of your behaviour is difficult to reflect back on, you were a child and with help you can get through this and repair the damage.
I suspect your Dad is going through his own process right now, he will be reflecting on how he has protected you/minimised your behaviour/defended you potentially to the detriment of his marriage to SM.

I think it will take him time to come to terms with this but it will happen. Your family (with the exception of BM obv) sound wonderful and I really hope you are all able to repair and rebuild, it sounds like there is a lot of love there.

Original poster
Elfingbell · 01/12/2020 09:19

Thanks again everyone your kindness continues to blow me away.

I’ve been chatting with a good friend and ex work colleague and I told her the truth about my step mum and she said "nobody ever believed that bullshit anyway, man you were one angry lady when you arrived at xxxxxxx and then I met your mother. It was obvious that you’d projected every bit of hurt caused by that loon onto anyone who would stand still long enough to be a victim, we felt for you but it was entirely understandable."

Not so smart after all am I? Every time I do this I get palpitations, shake and get sweaty palms and then it’s like the other person goes meh so what.

OP posts:
Cantdoitallperfectly · 01/12/2020 09:21

It’ll get easier with time Flowers

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2020 11:46

I think it will get easier but I think it's also good that it isn't too easy. It shouldn't be too easy to admit the truth to people because then you're blasé about it or people's reactions to you. That dear and panic is good.

One day. Keep going.

Smallgoon · 01/12/2020 12:35

@Elfingbell This is a really heart-breaking thread to read. Your opening post was bad enough, and with that, you immediately had my sympathies, but this thread had descended into so much more. Thank you for being so open, I'm not sure I could have admitted some of things you have posted about on here, particularly your behaviour towards your SM and S.

I've read each of your posts and can't say I agree with the people accusing of you of only caring now that you have 'lost everything'. Going through the trauma of what you've been through in recent months would have no doubt made you reflect on the past and seen things with a clearer perspective. In some ways, watching this thread develop and analysing that way in which you've opened up, it's clear that the flat in London and exdp are secondary issues (which I don't think is a bad thing) and that the anxiety you've had about your relationship with your DF and SM has always been there. London was just escapism; a temporary fix and a way for you to supress what had been bubbling away at you. This was always going to come back to roost, and fixing things with your family was the only thing that would have set you free - not the fancy flat and great job.

I was quite taken aback by your DF's response to you, I wasn't expecting that at all. At the same time I thought fair fucks to him for calling you out for being an absolute arsehole and getting away with it for years. but what was telling from his text is that those two incidents that he referred to have clearly weighed on his mind for years, and have affected him personally. You'll have to live with the pain that you caused him, and he'll have to live with knowing that he defended you for doing awful things, to the detriment of SM and S.

Your family is great. I come from a dysfunctional family and reading your posts about dsis and your step siblings made me almost feel envious. And that email from step-sis was just wow! She really is incredible and your dd will be SO lucky to have aunts and an uncle like that.

I'm rooting for you OP. Please keep us updated. I'm so excited for you to mend things with your SM - she really does sound like a wonderful person, who also raised some great kids - your DF has good taste. Wishing you and DD the best of luck!

Original poster
Elfingbell · 01/12/2020 14:25

@Smallgoon I’ve admitted a few terrible things on here and there are lots more but exchanging emails with S and talking to B has made me realise that while I’ve held onto every single thing and carried the guilt around with me they can’t remember a lot of it, they just remember the happy times. They are love bombing me with photos

OP posts:
Smallgoon · 01/12/2020 17:51

[quote Elfingbell]@Smallgoon I’ve admitted a few terrible things on here and there are lots more but exchanging emails with S and talking to B has made me realise that while I’ve held onto every single thing and carried the guilt around with me they can’t remember a lot of it, they just remember the happy times. They are love bombing me with photos[/quote]
Awww, OP, that's great. Perhaps you've overblown in your head how mean you were to them... You were not very nice to their mum which in your mind may have translated to you being mean to them...? Though hiding her flute was mean.

I love that S mentioned the big speech you gave in her email... You remember it and cringe, whereas they thought it was fucking hilarious!

Original poster
Elfingbell · 01/12/2020 18:11

Awww, OP, that's great. Perhaps you've overblown in your head how mean you were to them... You were not very nice to their mum which in your mind may have translated to you being mean to them...? Though hiding her flute was mean.

I love that S mentioned the big speech you gave in her email... You remember it and cringe, whereas they thought it was fucking hilarious!*

Apparently there was a lot of eye rolling behind my back

OP posts:
Original poster
Elfingbell · 01/12/2020 18:16

@Smallgoon thank you, I initially started the thread because one of my friends from London suggested it, she said she’d had some excellent advice here and thought I would find it useful to offload onto strangers. It just all came tumbling out.

Have to go and Bath dd who has just eaten her dinner in the bedroom as bm really meant it when she said she didn’t want her in the kitchen again, tomorrow can’t come quickly enough.

OP posts:
Smallgoon · 01/12/2020 18:36

In some ways your dd has been a blessing for you. Becoming a mum yourself has probably exposed how irrational you were towards your sm when in reality she was the kind of parent you hope to be to dd.

As you yourself said you and dsis have had frank conversations about your relationship with sm, after your dd was born - it seems dd arriving gave you both some perspective. Your sm got in touch and wrote you that lovely card. Your S has mentioned wanting to be the cool, geeky aunt to dd, and it's clear that your family are really keen to bring her into the fold. Don't underestimate the manner in which a small child can heal a family.

I hadn't spoken to my ds for around 5yrs and then when my niece was born, it was the catalyst for me to put things right. Babies being innocent and all. I guess I didn't think it was fair that my niece be subjected to the dysfunctional relationship that me and my siblings had, and we all wanted to shield her from this best as possible. I get a real sense that your family are really wanting the same, and that's a wonderful thing.

In fact, there's only one person who doesn't appear to have dd's best interests at heart, and I don't think you need anyone to point out who that is...

*I completely overlooked the comment you made in earlier posts about your BM reading Flowers in the Attic to you as children. I'm sorry to say but she does seem completely deranged and devoid of any emotional connection with her children.

MadeForThis · 01/12/2020 18:50

You need to go no contact with your bm as your boundaries are totally blurred when it comes to her behaviour. You have only just seen the truth.

Your sisters have had a decade or two of knowing how evil she is. They are mentally prepared to deal with her.

You need to focus on yourself and repairing the damage to your life.

Go NC as soon as you move out.

Original poster
Elfingbell · 01/12/2020 18:52

The flowers in the attic comments have continued the whole time we’ve been here and making dd eat up here feels as if she’s trying to create her very version of it.

OP posts:
CeibaTree · 01/12/2020 19:38

Your mother is pure poison. I can't believe she is making her granddaughter eat upstairs and making Flowers in the Attic references.

I know you questioned why your sisters are able to have stronger boundaries with your mother, but remember they were only tiny babies when she left you, but you were 3 years old which I think is at the height of the mother and child bond, so sadly you were more damaged by her abandonment than they were perhaps. Wishing you lots of luck for your move tomorrow x

marthastew · 01/12/2020 19:54

I've read your whole thread and I'm really glad you have come across grey rock. It's the only way to go with someone like your DM.

Also, I wanted to say that it is often the eldest child who bears the brunt of abusive situations like the one you grew up in. When you are settled and can access that professional help, you'll make even more progress. Not all of it is your fault - you were manipulated and as the oldest you were in a different position to your other siblings.

Lots of love.

Original poster
Elfingbell · 01/12/2020 21:20

BM is being absolutely unbearable this evening, wants me to leave the baby with a friend tomorrow and go Nordic walking with her and is like a dog with a bone. "Why don’t you want to spend any one on one time with me, you don’t love me as much as dd" well of course I don’t what kind of mother would say a thing like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elfingbell · 01/12/2020 21:34

And this is how she gets inside my head - I referred to dd as "the baby" which is how bm refers to her all the time as if she doesn’t have a name.

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 01/12/2020 21:52

@Elfingbell

BM is being absolutely unbearable this evening, wants me to leave the baby with a friend tomorrow and go Nordic walking with her and is like a dog with a bone. "Why don’t you want to spend any one on one time with me, you don’t love me as much as dd" well of course I don’t what kind of mother would say a thing like that.
That is such a horrific thing to say. Really, it doesn't deserve any other response other than a WTF look. Get out of there ASAP before she goes any further.
Blownaway22 · 01/12/2020 23:36

I’ve been following your thread @Elfingbell and just wanted to post to say stay strong, stand your ground, wave bm off on her nordic walk tomorrow and let that be the start of a new life for you and your little one. Will be thinking of you tomorrow and hope the move goes well. Just don’t waver! Good luck!

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2020 23:59

One night, one morning. Is there a contingency plan of she is "ill" tomorrow?

Original poster
Elfingbell · 02/12/2020 00:04

@SleepingStandingUp can I dm you?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 02/12/2020 00:13

Yes

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 02/12/2020 00:18

Good luck for tomorrow, I'm rooting for you! Go, no matter what.

Smallgoon · 02/12/2020 00:23

@SleepingStandingUp

One night, one morning. Is there a contingency plan of she is "ill" tomorrow?
Good point!