So sad

[Elfingbell]

Last year I felt I had it all - loved my job, bought my first home with the man I loved and had dd, then:
We get hit with astronomical fees for 24hr fire watch in our apartment block. My partner left me for another woman when dd was a few months old. Covid saw me working from home and looking after DD I wasn’t performing at my best and have now lost my job.
I’ve spent 90% of my savings and this week will move back to my hometown and move in with my mentally ill mother.
I’m returning the keys to my apartment to the bank which means I’ve lost my deposit money but frees me from the mortgage, repossession wasn’t far off anyway.
I know I’m lucky having somewhere safe to go and some savings but I’m just so sad that It’s come to this.
I’m not looking for sympathy or advice I just needed to write it down.

It's never too late, but don't put it off too long. Honesty is the best policy. What about a letter?

Oh Elfingbell. What a time you've been through. I'm so sorry. I honestly believe from what you've written that your SM would forgive you - you seem to genuinely remorseful and it's clear this awful time has taught you a lot of lessons.

I'm going through a hard time myself (my DH died suddenly and my 2.5 y/o and I had to leave our home and move in with friends) and I'm trying so so hard to recognise the lessons that this is teaching me in order to try and build something out of the most awful situation. I believe you can and will do the same. You are being so strong.

@peachgreen I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, compared to that I have nothing to complain about.

I have thought about a letter to sm so many times in the last few weeks And yes it’s been that recent that I realise how awful I’ve been.

I’m at DM’s now and the controlling behaviour has started in earnest, I think I can see where I got my controlling tendencies from. Amongst other things she has put me and dd in the attic bedroom despite there being another two much more suitable that we could use and as well as paying a pre agreed monthly amount I have to pay half of all the bills, can only use the washing machine on Tuesday and Thursday, dd will eat her tea alone and we will have dinner together at 7:30 (dd doesn’t normally go to bed until 7:45) and she’s arranged for a neighbour to take dd for a two hour walk in her buggy every day so that I have time to job hunt (this won’t be happening).

Being honest with yourself, is it only that you will find it unbearable to stay with your mother that is making you apologise to your stepmother? Reading what you said and did to her - and to your dad - don’t be surprised if they can’t forgive and forget.

@Elfingbell

Thank you all for replying, it means a lot.

I really wish I could go to my Dads & step mums house, it’s a big house and where I grew up I know there wouldn’t be any bonkers rules to adhere to but I honestly think I’ve cooked my goose with them.
I was a complete bitch to my step mum for years and used to play her and my dad off against each other and I know it caused huge problems between them. It all came to a head on the day I left home to start my job in London. I made a big speech about how much I hated her and that she wasn’t coming to my wedding (didn’t have a boyfriend at the time) and would never lay eyes on my children etc etc.
I haven’t seen her since that day - I see my day three or four times a year for a few hours and over the years I’ve dug my heels in and insisted it’s all her fault when the truth is I was totally in the wrong. She wrote me a lovely card when dd was born saying how she knew I’d be a wonderful caring mum and asking for permission to make something very personal for dd and I just went ballistic and told my dad to tell her never to contact me again. God I’m so ashamed of myself.

I don’t want to ask for social housing as I still have savings and as soon as I’ve got a job I will get my own place.

dd is 17mths and currently dancing even though there’s no music on.
I probably won’t post much until this evening as it’s moving day.

You know what, write all that down and send it to her. Maybe she'll never forgive you. Maybe it's too late but she deserves to hear it and you will i think feel better for saying it.aybe making peace before someone dies and it's too late to make amends can be the one good thing to come out of this year x

@peachgreen
Can I just say how much I was touched by your post to @Elfingbell.
I have read your threads about your lovely husband and know how hard it is for you and yet here you are offering support to others. Amazing .
And op apologise to your dad and step mum with sincerity. Swallow that pride and be the bigger person. It seems like that is a massive step forward and then forgive yourself . Good luck x

@SleepingStandingUp thank you but what I’ve divulged here is the tip of a massive iceberg, I cancelled their wedding photographer the day before their wedding, I used to get my siblings to pretend they couldn’t see or here her when she came in from work, we would point blank refuse to do our chores and then lie about it to Dad,
She was in a really serious car accident when I was 15 and I was absolutely vile, told my dad that she should have died, refused to visit her in hospital and did nothing nice for her when she came home. I was completely disrespectful.
I would think nothing of turning up from uni with a group of friends and using the house for the weekend, demanding that they order take away for us, buying wine on their account at our very expensive village shop, I broke the heels off her shoes, put ink stains on her work suits the list goes on.
I was also horrible to my two step siblings, bullied the youngest and was just horrible to the older one.

I don’t want to make excuses for any of it but I feel as if I treated her the way my dm deserves to be treated but I couldn’t see it back then, my step mum gave up her life, relocated with her kids and took us on and brought us up. She did everything for us and our dm was a weekend parent when it suited her but it’s the little things like I now realise that my dm never ever washed our clothes, rarely cooked for us, never made a packed lunch, didn’t have to do massive supermarket shops.
Even when we were at our DM’s it was our step mum who came and drove us to sports clubs, party’s etc the poor woman got no thanks for it and never fully recovered from her injuries she wasn’t the same afterwards and I was just totally lacking compassion.

[quote Elfingbell]@SleepingStandingUp thank you but what I’ve divulged here is the tip of a massive iceberg, I cancelled their wedding photographer the day before their wedding, I used to get my siblings to pretend they couldn’t see or here her when she came in from work, we would point blank refuse to do our chores and then lie about it to Dad,
She was in a really serious car accident when I was 15 and I was absolutely vile, told my dad that she should have died, refused to visit her in hospital and did nothing nice for her when she came home. I was completely disrespectful.
I would think nothing of turning up from uni with a group of friends and using the house for the weekend, demanding that they order take away for us, buying wine on their account at our very expensive village shop, I broke the heels off her shoes, put ink stains on her work suits the list goes on.
I was also horrible to my two step siblings, bullied the youngest and was just horrible to the older one.

I don’t want to make excuses for any of it but I feel as if I treated her the way my dm deserves to be treated but I couldn’t see it back then, my step mum gave up her life, relocated with her kids and took us on and brought us up. She did everything for us and our dm was a weekend parent when it suited her but it’s the little things like I now realise that my dm never ever washed our clothes, rarely cooked for us, never made a packed lunch, didn’t have to do massive supermarket shops.
Even when we were at our DM’s it was our step mum who came and drove us to sports clubs, party’s etc the poor woman got no thanks for it and never fully recovered from her injuries she wasn’t the same afterwards and I was just totally lacking compassion.[/quote]
Gosh you really have had a hard time this past year, but I'm sure your stepmother won't think you've got your comeuppance and gloat if that's why you are reluctant about apologising to her. From what you have written you sound like you feel very guilty about the way you have treated her. If you apologise to her from your heart maybe you can start to rebuild a relationship with her. What does your dad think about your current situation - has he made any hints that you might be able to stay with him?

@nimbuscloud my dsis said to me a few months ago that I should take a long hard look at myself and start to make amends for the hurt I caused because the time might come when I realised who really cared about us growing up.
So yes it is partly the situation I’m in now that is making me want to put things right with step mum.

I haven’t told my dad that I’ve lost my job or surrendered the property - he gave me a fair chunk towards the deposit which I now feel I guilt tripped him into parting with. So that’s a conversation I need to have in the next few days before someone else tells him I’m staying with dm. He has only seen dd three times and all before March. Every time I saw him I would make him promise not to show step mum photos of dd, nag him because he didn’t make more of an effort, complain because my step sis has 2 dcs and they are always visiting, going on holiday together etc (pre Covid) and typical of me felt that he shouldn’t let them call him gramps, that step mum should visit them alone etc.
I can see now that they are just trying to be a happy family.

There's no such thing as too awful to be able to apologise @Elfingbell. It isn't about her forgiving you,it's about taking responsibility and giving her some fragment of piece. Despite you being a total bitch she still wanted to make your baby something. Your Dad still sees you. They don't hate you. Tell him you're sorry. Write the note and ask him to pass it on. Tell him he can read it first if he wants. Tell her you see now all she tried to do.

Peace. Your dad too

I hear you, every person I’ve met since going to university has sympathised with me for having the worst step mum in the world when all she ever did was try and parent me, my dad was very focused on his career, my dm was either depressed, demented or partying and that left step mum to do most of the parenting.
Nearly everyone who knows me thinks I had this awful time with an abusive nasty step mum. I guess I will have some explaining to do especially to exdp if dd is going to have a relationship with her.

It’s all such a mess.

What a year!

I'll just echo what the other posters say, I'd call your step mum and dad and say can you talk, and tell them all of the above, or show them this thread.

Honestly they will forgive you, that's all in the past and maybe even one day you'll laugh about it all, they will fully understand and help you.

I fee if you do that everything else will start to fall back in place, not saying it's karma just that you're actually carrying a load of guilt with you, and to say sorry will fell like a new start and new direction with the support you deserve.

You've had a terrible year, without a doubt.

I think you have to suck up the fact that you have to stay with your mum. You absolutely can't expect to apologise to your dad and step mum then move back in with them - that is hugely manipulative and as bad as the things you have done for all these years, imo. A sincere apology, and then REFUSE to move in with them even if they offer, seems the right way to go.

I would also, long term, seek to repay the deposit money that you extorted from your dad. I doubt he will accept it back, but that would be a good ambition.

You can spend the rest of your adult life eating humble pie with you step mum, and trying to be a better person. At least you won't bring your DD up poisoned against her, that is one benefit.

Apologising to your step mum, openly, simply and with no expectations, seems like a good first step. And then apologise to your dad too, as you must have been hell to live with, and even in the years since.

It will take time to get back on your feet, but presumably your ex is still paying maintenance for the baby so that will help a bit?

Don't reject the offer of the neighbour helping to babysit. You may genuinely find it helpful, to speed up getting back on your feet. Get to know the neighbour well first though, if you don't know them already (and maybe have a private chat and offer to pay for the help, if they refuse payment a box of chocolates and a bottle of wine would be kind).

It does sound as if your mum might have some good intentions, but goes about it very badly. Putting you in the attic room means you can be noisier with the baby without worrying about disturbing her. Insisting on fixed mealtimes with you is a bit much, but perhaps she thinks it is important to spend some quality adult time together. Deciding the days you can use the washing machine will ensure there is no confusion and room for argument. As long as you have enough baby clothes (hello eBay Used clothes bundles!) it is manageable.

If you haven't lived with your mum since you were five, and somehow she got wind (from your siblings?) what an indescribable bitch you have been to your stepmoum, perhaps your DM has reservations about sharing a home with you, and wants it on her terms.

Try going in with kindness and patience and a sense of humour, try to abide by her many, many rules - perhaps if you do this, she might eventually ease some of the restrictions. Having rules and boundaries will make it easier to share a space when neither of you aren used to doing so together. You sound very hard to live with and your mum is probably anxious and braced for many fights and you being completely contrary. Her controlling behaviour may just be a way to defend herself a bit?

Sometimes hiting rock bottom really does make you bounce back up, so be strong and hopefully soon you will be back in full time work, perhaps your mum and neighbour can help with childcare until you can find and afford a full time childminder and full time work.

@SillyOldMummy Do you honestly believe that allowing a complete stranger to look after my dd for two hours every afternoon and thereby breaking lockdown rules to be in anyone’s best interests. I know my mother and this offer won’t have just been made, ( just like the contribution to my deposit money) it will have been extorted. For all I know the last thing this person wants is to have made a commitment to walk around the streets of my hometown in the depths of winter pushing a toddler in a buggy for two hours five days a week.
I am more than capable of carving out two hours of job hunting time during a normal day. I can afford to put dd into nursery a couple of mornings a week at least and my dsis says she will have her one day a week but will have to be Saturday or Sunday as she works.
I was actually 3 when my dm left my dad and my twin siblings were 6 months. She used to go to the pub every evening as soon as my dad got home from work at 6pm and by the time her babies were six months old she was having an affair with her best friends husband, they moved in together and then spent six months travelling to "establish their relationship" which ultimately failed, she then came back to the uk but decided not to be a mother, she would have us for tea once or twice a week and for years half a day on either Saturday or Sunday. I was at junior school before I got to stay overnight at her house.
Last night she asked me if I thought my life would turn out better if dd went to live with exDP and his new partner and said it worked out well for her.
She has put us in the attic Precisely because it’s more likely to disturb her and far from giving us extra space it has very little full height ceiling and is cold and cramped it will force us to spend more time downstairs in DM’s company.
As for dreading what I’m like, she knew exactly how I treated step mum and positively encouraged me by constantly feeding me lines like "she has no parental rights over you". My mother has a unique ability to say one thing and instantly turn it on it’s head. I can remember her quizzing us about what was in our packed lunches and making snide comments like "oh I would never give you that it’s weird " referring to homemade sausage rolls or the pots of pasta salad.
She would constantly encourage us to poke fun at our step siblings and step mum and criticise her cooking, dress sense, gifts she bought us, how she dressed us. But the most damaging thing she did was say that she would have got back together with daddy if step mum hadn’t come along. That really screwed any chance of me having a relationship with my step mum and my dm loves the rift between us and the fact that dd doesn’t know her "never grandmother" as she refers to her.
She finally had to step up and do some parenting when step mum was in a car accident and we started staying over a couple of nights during the week when she was in hospital but by then in my mother’s words "we were more interesting company" and of course old enough to cook and do our own washing.
My mother without doubt has mental health issues, she is an extreme hypochondriac, I’ve lost count of the number of times she has been dying and insisting someone phones for an ambulance only to be told she’s fine and an hour later she is off to the pub, she has bouts of depression but is always better by opening time and at other times will rant, rave, scream at the top of her voice about some random thing such as the fact that it’s half way through January and you haven’t read the book she bought you for Christmas or you weren’t paying attention to the tv when you should be watching it with her.
She is on disability benefits for her mental health but she pretends to be "physically infirm" her words and tells people she has a "weak heart" which she absolutely doesn’t, except on Wednesdays when she goes Nordic walking and Fridays when she rambles. The rest of the time she can be found lying on the sofa speaking in whispers like some character from a Victorian novel who is delicate and prone to swooning.
I recognise so much of my own behaviour in myself and it terrifies me.

I don’t want to apologise just to move back in with dad and step mum but I want to atone for the years of hurt and heartache I must have caused them both and my step siblings.
As for the money my dad gave me towards the deposit they have done the same for all of us with the exception of my eldest step sibling who doesn’t want to have any money from them. I’m heartbroken that the money is gone along with my own money that I saved hard for, I hope to get a job outside London and be able to get back on the property ladder one day myself.

Sorry: recognise my mother’s behaviour in my own

I don't know how old you are now op but for years as a child you have someone twisting and turning you, hurting you but not caring enough to be hurt in return.

Start with your Dad. She how it goes with SMum and if she wants a relationship.

And just be simply honest with ex - you've had time to look back and realise all she ever tried to do was love you. Having DD, spending time with DM has made you look at life afresh and you were wrong. Ultimately he can't stop you letting her see her.

Good luck. But do it now whilst you're feeling brave

Oh love. Just talk to your stepmum and dad. Say what you’ve said here.

Thank you both, I’m 31 I’ve been awake most of the night thinking things over.
Looking back I can remember a number of times that my smum called out things that dm was doing /saying but I can’t remember dad ever doing the same.

I’m going to phone him for a chat later on today.

This is really awful, but please don't stop believing you can rebuild. My life was 'perfect' one moment, burnt to the ground the next. I had nothing, just an old car to my name and a DD to care for.

3yrs later i'm slowly but surely rebuilding, and its working, my hope is that i'm a good example to DD.

@Gooseybby you’ve done so well and in comparison I don’t have much to complain about and nothing that isn’t of my own making, with the exception of the cladding.

We are safe, have a roof over our heads and I have my siblings to support me and hopefully a good CV that will see me back in work soon.

I know its a big blow to write off the housing money though, but it IS only money at the emd of the day

Exactly I just couldn’t see the sense in staying in my apartment and having debt piling up by the day, it was so so stressful. Once I’d made the decision to surrender the property I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted.

This was being discussed on the news yesterday. I think there will be a massive public inquiry eventually.
Keep all your paperwork OP get everything in writing.
I am so sorry you are in this position.
Make sure you do talk to your MP. The MP speaking on the radio yesterday was gathering evidence from his constituents.

Thanks I was in touch with my MP in London and I joined a few forums and pressure groups.
Part of the deal I did with my mortgage lender was that I have to continue to meet the fire watch costs until Jan 21, if I could get back all the fire watch fees I would be very happy with the outcome.
I know that I will never purchase a leasehold property again for sure.