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Original poster

So sad

372 replies

Elfingbell · 23/11/2020 15:06

Last year I felt I had it all - loved my job, bought my first home with the man I loved and had dd, then:
We get hit with astronomical fees for 24hr fire watch in our apartment block. My partner left me for another woman when dd was a few months old. Covid saw me working from home and looking after DD I wasn’t performing at my best and have now lost my job.
I’ve spent 90% of my savings and this week will move back to my hometown and move in with my mentally ill mother.
I’m returning the keys to my apartment to the bank which means I’ve lost my deposit money but frees me from the mortgage, repossession wasn’t far off anyway.
I know I’m lucky having somewhere safe to go and some savings but I’m just so sad that It’s come to this.
I’m not looking for sympathy or advice I just needed to write it down.

OP posts:
soundsgreektome · 30/11/2020 21:47

Elfingbell stay strong, you can do this. You’ll be ok.

Original poster
Elfingbell · 30/11/2020 21:55

I feel very lonely, I know I’m not alone I have close friends, my sisters and my stepbrother and sisters but I still feel lonely.

OP posts:
soundsgreektome · 30/11/2020 21:59

I get the feeling lonely, you’re surrounded by love, but you’ve been cut back to your core. Be kind to yourself, take one day at a time, this is the lowest. The only way is back up. You will be fine.

EffYouSeeKaye · 30/11/2020 22:06

Hang in there ❤️

Sarahlou63 · 30/11/2020 22:57

You have many, many people on MN invested in your future happiness. At 31 you have so much life in front of you and a brilliant chance to rewrite your life story, for you and for your daughter.

You can do this.

HoneysuckIejasmine · 30/11/2020 23:03

I think S is right that your guilt and shame will last longer than her anger. You've been brave, don't stop now.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/11/2020 23:12

@Elfingbell

I feel very lonely, I know I’m not alone I have close friends, my sisters and my stepbrother and sisters but I still feel lonely.
They're two days away. That's all. Imagine inviting you little sis over to yours to hang with her niece. Imagine the possibility of your Step siblings being able to come. Two days. That's all.
Original poster
Elfingbell · 30/11/2020 23:40

@SleepingStandingUp I know what your saying, but this is more than I ever dared hope for. In my head this process was always going to be incredibly painful but the controlling part of me had it all planned out. There was a process and a timeline and right at the very very end of that was S, shouting and screaming at me, calling me names and vowing never to forgive me. But here I am with her looking out for me with not a hint of anger, she just seems pleased to have me in her life and is so excited about meeting dd.
I feel as if I don’t deserve kindness but I think it’s because the one person who should’ve be kind to me isn’t capable of loving anyone other than herself.
Dads silence is worrying me, he must be totally devastated and so let down by me. He always had my back, no matter what.

OP posts:
hennersley · 30/11/2020 23:40

Keep going op I think you need to seriously consider cutting your bm out completely when you move out

Original poster
Elfingbell · 30/11/2020 23:49

But how do you do that? Even my dsis who is really strong still goes and does things for her and phones her and my other dsis will be home for Christmas Day knowing full well that it will end in a huge argument and her storming out and not speaking to me for a few months. If these sorted strong women can’t cut her out of their lives I don’t stand a chance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elfingbell · 30/11/2020 23:50

Not "me" that should be bm

OP posts:
LaBodDelMed · 30/11/2020 23:52

[quote Elfingbell]@SleepingStandingUp I know what your saying, but this is more than I ever dared hope for. In my head this process was always going to be incredibly painful but the controlling part of me had it all planned out. There was a process and a timeline and right at the very very end of that was S, shouting and screaming at me, calling me names and vowing never to forgive me. But here I am with her looking out for me with not a hint of anger, she just seems pleased to have me in her life and is so excited about meeting dd.
I feel as if I don’t deserve kindness but I think it’s because the one person who should’ve be kind to me isn’t capable of loving anyone other than herself.
Dads silence is worrying me, he must be totally devastated and so let down by me. He always had my back, no matter what.[/quote]
And here’s the nub of this situation. You can’t control it.
Not how your step-siblings will react, your step-mother or even your Dad or BM.
Which I why I think, as other posters have suggested, counselling is a great idea.
You need to leave your Dad alone to process everything you’ve disclosed.
Move out as planned on Weds.
You will feel lonely. You’ve uprooted your life away from everything you know. Your life as you knew it has gone. But onwards and upwards.
Go online and make getting a counsellor a priority, along with a job of course! Good luck with both.

Original poster
Elfingbell · 30/11/2020 23:59

Thanks, the job is going to be tough but there are people out there hiring and as B pointed out to me I only need one job so it’s just a numbers game. I did speak to two recruiters today and my old school friend is putting my cv forward for anything that fits my skill set.

My younger step sister has recommended the clinical psychologist that she used and I guess under normal circumstances using someone hundreds of miles away wouldn’t work but she’s only working online so I’m going to contact her tomorrow. She has a waiting list for weekend slots but I can’t really do it while dd is here.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2020 00:10

@Elfingbell

But how do you do that? Even my dsis who is really strong still goes and does things for her and phones her and my other dsis will be home for Christmas Day knowing full well that it will end in a huge argument and her storming out and not speaking to me for a few months. If these sorted strong women can’t cut her out of their lives I don’t stand a chance.
You're looking at it backwards. They don't need to cut her out because they're emotionally strong and supported. They can go in, do what needs doing and then go back to real live. You aren't strong enough for that yet which is why it needs to be a total cut. It's the difference between an alcoholic and someone who does the periodic binned drink but doesn't need it. You're an alcoholic right now, looking for your next fix. Not just mine but all the negative stuff too because when she's being a botched it reinforces your narrative - you deserve the crap, you're unlovable, of course DSM Hayes you, of course your sister's hate you, of course everyone thinks you're worthless. Except she'd not and if she isn't there to drum into your how you aren't lovable, you'll stop believing it. But alcoholics need a clean break
ShrikeAttack · 01/12/2020 00:25

@Elfingbell I read the first two pages of your post and I recognise your anger and vitriol. There's so much spite. You cannot expect to build bridges because it suits you. I've seen this in my family on all sides. We're years and many honest conversations down the road now but can't expect your Dad's wife to accept you in any way.

You have to be honest about all of your motivations. My sister was the one that behaved like you did with the new wife. And it's understandable, BUT if a man leaves his wife, he won't ever give his loyalty to the children he left. He made that clear with his actions. You'll never win.

And it's not about winning really. It's about understanding weakness. And realising that YOU are stronger. Better. Not as fallible.

Don't be angry. Try to be better.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2020 00:33

BUT if a man leaves his wife, he won't ever give his loyalty to the children he left. He made that clear with his actions. You'll never win.
He didn't leave. Ops Mom left when her and her siblings were really young. He's not perfect but she isn't the poor abandoned woman left behind.

Original poster
Elfingbell · 01/12/2020 00:41

@ShrikeAttack thank you, I would have thought that my sm wouldn’t want anything to do with me but according to my step siblings that’s not the case, she is an incredibly compassionate woman who apparently hold no grudges and isn’t angry.
My dad didn’t leave my bm, she left us when I was 3 and my siblings were just six months old she then didn’t see us for a year and was so chaotic that when she moved back to live here she would see us for a few hours a week at most. Two years after she abandoned us my Dad met sm and she relocated to come and live with us.

OP posts:
ShrikeAttack · 01/12/2020 00:48

Ahh, @Elfingbell that's a really difficult situation.

I don't think your SM or dad would begrudge you if you all had an honest conversation.

Be completely honest. Lay it all out . Including your youthful dickheadey.

If you're as honest as you can be, they will be too.

They will.

Cantdoitallperfectly · 01/12/2020 01:38

I hope your step siblings contact you with positive news today. You have an amazing family.

Defenbaker · 01/12/2020 02:10

Wow, what an incredibly journey of self discovery you've been on, OP. The story of your life is like a long running storyline from a soap opera - it's true that fact is sometimes stranger than fiction. That said, please don't think I'm relishing the details at your expense, it's just that I only discovered this thread tonight and truth be told I've been more gripped by it than some books I've read.

You've really been through the mill and have been incredibly honest and brave to share so much of your life story on this thread. Your DSIS, DB and young step sister all sound like good people who will help you through this difficult period. Your BM sounds like a narcissist whose behaviour rubbed off on you during your teenage years, but you've recognised the pattern and can now put a stop to it, going forward. This is all massively complex and I can't begin to offer any advice, but just want to wish you luck in going forward with a better way of living, for you and your DD.

sickohsickofthisshit · 01/12/2020 03:10

Good luck and well
Done ..

Smallgoon · 01/12/2020 03:24

I was a complete bitch to my step mum for years and used to play her and my dad off against each other and I know it caused huge problems between them. It all came to a head on the day I left home to start my job in London. I made a big speech about how much I hated her and that she wasn’t coming to my wedding (didn’t have a boyfriend at the time) and would never lay eyes on my children etc etc.

The fact that you acknowledge and accept that you were in the wrong says a lot about you. I said some awful things to my stepdad which were undeserved.

She wrote me a lovely card when dd was born saying how she knew I’d be a wonderful caring mum and asking for permission to make something very personal for dd and I just went ballistic and told my dad to tell her never to contact me again. God I’m so ashamed of myself.

It's not too late to make things right with her you know. She actually sounds like quite a nice person.

AngelDelightUK · 01/12/2020 03:26

It’s all going to be ok, especially if you’re able to walk away from your BM.

Sending vibes !

TheDaydreamBelievers · 01/12/2020 04:33

You have done so well to come so far @Elfingbell.

As things progress, therapy will help you analyse your reactions, understand and manage your behaviours, and place appropriate boundaries with all others in your life. I'm wishing you all the best

onyourway · 01/12/2020 06:59

You are dealing with so many complex issues from such a troubled past, I really think I would prioritise getting a good counsellor, therapist or psychotherapist to stand beside you.
I know pp have suggested this, but the speed of change of very important relationships in your life is fast at the moment.
Take time. You're doing really well, but it's a rocky path.