So sad

[Elfingbell]

Last year I felt I had it all - loved my job, bought my first home with the man I loved and had dd, then:
We get hit with astronomical fees for 24hr fire watch in our apartment block. My partner left me for another woman when dd was a few months old. Covid saw me working from home and looking after DD I wasn’t performing at my best and have now lost my job.
I’ve spent 90% of my savings and this week will move back to my hometown and move in with my mentally ill mother.
I’m returning the keys to my apartment to the bank which means I’ve lost my deposit money but frees me from the mortgage, repossession wasn’t far off anyway.
I know I’m lucky having somewhere safe to go and some savings but I’m just so sad that It’s come to this.
I’m not looking for sympathy or advice I just needed to write it down.

Ermmm you know that handing the keys back doesn't necessarily mean you are released from your mortgage responsibilities?

I am so sorry things went so badly wrong, it sucks.

Fucking hell. You poor thing. That’s a lot and you’re doing well to put one foot in front of the other at the moment.

Is there really no option other than to move in with your mother?

Thanks for replying, I’m sorry I should have been clearer. It was my mortgage not a joint one as I paid the deposit exDP has continued to contribute to the mortgage and pay child support, I’ve taken two mortgage breaks and would have sold but the property is worth nothing until the cladding debacle is dealt with. I’ve been having long discussions with the mortgage lender and they have now begun repossession proceedings. I wanted to leave before they evict me because it felt as if I had a bit of control over my future. It was impossible to continue paying mortgage, fire patrol fees and management fees with no income. It’s felt as if I was just throwing money away for nothing.
In terms of what happens next I’m not sure because the bank can’t sell the property either, I was unable to rent it out due to fire risk and I couldn’t get insurance anyway but maybe they can.
Moving in with my DM is my only option until I get a job, my DF lives near her and has a much bigger house but I’ve burnt my bridges with my step mother so I’m sure the last thing she would want is to see me let alone house me and my dd.
My mum is difficult to get on with in small doses, I lived with DF and step mum from the age of 5 so I have no idea what it’s going to be like. DM is incredibly demanding and controlling, I love her of course but I’m expecting the next few weeks to be a nightmare. I just need a job and then I can rent somewhere.

Jesus, I am so sorry that has happened to you, Elfingbell. What an amount of trauma in so short a time. I'm a leaseholder and I've had innumerable problems (and expense) so I know a little of what you're feeling. The cladding issue is beyond the pale and it is another shameful stain on our current government that they are allowing people to have their lives ruined in this way.

What happened was not your fault, people have treated you so shittily. Are you able to get some support? I don't know what age your DD is, but in my area counselling referrals are quicker for new parents. Just sending you huge amounts of love.

I am so sorry, what an awful year. The issues people are having with cladding are frankly, scandalous, I really, feel for you OP.

Wishing you well OP, that sounds really tough. You’re going into it with your eyes open which I think will stand you in good stead.

Sitting surrounded by boxes - my dsis and her bf are coming in two cars tomorrow to collect us, exdp is here saying goodbye to dd because he won’t see her for a couple of weeks now. I feel guilty moving so far away from him and wouldn’t leave London if there was an alternative.

My heart absolutely goes out to you. Honestly, it could have been any Londoner, the risks were just not known and everyone is behaving abysmally.

Friends are leaving the capital in droves to seek out a more relaxed pace of life elsewhere so you're not alone. I'm so sorry it wasn't a choice, but I'm hoping you'll be able to make a great new start somewhere more sensible! I'd leave too but we are tied here for 2 more years due to work.

@BigGreen

My heart absolutely goes out to you. Honestly, it could have been any Londoner, the risks were just not known and everyone is behaving abysmally.

Friends are leaving the capital in droves to seek out a more relaxed pace of life elsewhere so you're not alone. I'm so sorry it wasn't a choice, but I'm hoping you'll be able to make a great new start somewhere more sensible! I'd leave too but we are tied here for 2 more years due to work.

I have friends that are leaving too because they see wfh as a long term option, and others that are also trapped in worthless apartments because of cladding.

I feel a bit ashamed of the way I’ve behaved in the past, especially towards family members. I was so smug when I landed a well paid job straight out of university, moved to London leaving my siblings to deal with DM and her myriad of issues. I realise now that although my job demanded that I worked hard I actually had it very easy. I blame myself for driving dp away too.
I feel as if I’m going home with my tail between my legs, DM has already demanded a written plan of what I’ll be doing to get my own place, DD’s daily schedule, a meal plan for next week and has sent me a list of house rules as if I’m a naughty kid instead of a grown woman.

Goodness OP that sounds really tough, surprised you haven't crumbled under all this pressure. Good thing is that the only way is up for you as it sounds like things can't get any worse. I hope it goes ok living with your Mum, I predict a lot of biting your tongue

@Wrigleys123

Goodness OP that sounds really tough, surprised you haven't crumbled under all this pressure. Good thing is that the only way is up for you as it sounds like things can't get any worse. I hope it goes ok living with your Mum, I predict a lot of biting your tongue

To be honest once the difficult decision of surrendering the property was made things got much easier, before there was just no way out and I was madly applying for jobs in the hope that I could fix everything but I couldn’t. I feel bad that I’m going to be subjecting dd to my dm but it hopefully won’t be for long. Yes there will be lots of tongue biting and smiling and nodding. I’m going to find a good counsellor because I know there is a lot about me that needs fixing.

I agree about the cladding issue. It's horrendous. LBC are doing a campaign about it, I know it's too little too late but they might be interested in your story. My sister has just been lumped with a 20k bill for her flat for the same issue.

I hope you're ok. That's a lot to go through.

That’s very difficult
How old is your dd?

@Elfingbell I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I was in a similar position in 2013. God it was hard (several times I thought I can’t take this) but as a friend said to me we’re not just women we’re warriors. That gave me the strength to carry on. Life goes on and isn’t easy and this year has been particularly hard but knowing how to handle this crap, we are not a victim we are a wonderful woman who have had some crap dished onto us contact every charity or social service to see how they can help you. Get help and keep on going. Sending you strength xxx

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through OP. I hope things work out for you and lots of good luck comes your way. Stay strong, easier said than done I know, but you will get through this.

OP why not call up your council and ask about housing?

You have a child so they'll have to do something. Temporary accommodation then maybe your own place.

I am so sorry. I know a couple of people in the same position.
Have you talked to Shelter? Your MP?

What an absolute dog shit time you've had! Amazing you are still standing, I think you sound really inspiring actually to be still thinking of how you can move forwards.

You will hopefully get a break soon. I hope so. Take really good care of yourself and rest where you can as you lived about three lives in the last two years!

Is there absolutely no alternative to staying with your DM?

Could you eat humble pie and apologise to your stepmum and your dad?

I would worry about your DD under your mum's roof.

Is council accommodation out of the question?

to you and your DD. I sincerely hope something good will turn up for you soon.

Thank you all for replying, it means a lot.

I really wish I could go to my Dads & step mums house, it’s a big house and where I grew up I know there wouldn’t be any bonkers rules to adhere to but I honestly think I’ve cooked my goose with them.
I was a complete bitch to my step mum for years and used to play her and my dad off against each other and I know it caused huge problems between them. It all came to a head on the day I left home to start my job in London. I made a big speech about how much I hated her and that she wasn’t coming to my wedding (didn’t have a boyfriend at the time) and would never lay eyes on my children etc etc.
I haven’t seen her since that day - I see my day three or four times a year for a few hours and over the years I’ve dug my heels in and insisted it’s all her fault when the truth is I was totally in the wrong. She wrote me a lovely card when dd was born saying how she knew I’d be a wonderful caring mum and asking for permission to make something very personal for dd and I just went ballistic and told my dad to tell her never to contact me again. God I’m so ashamed of myself.

I don’t want to ask for social housing as I still have savings and as soon as I’ve got a job I will get my own place.

dd is 17mths and currently dancing even though there’s no music on.
I probably won’t post much until this evening as it’s moving day.

"See my day" should be see my Dad

You know it's never too late to make amends. If you feel gutted about the way you acted, you could write a letter to your stepmum.

Good luck with moving day. The only way is up from here!!

Apologise to your SM. Mean it.

Thank you, I know I need to a[ologies but for nearly eight years I’ve ranted and raved to anyone who would listen about what a bitch she was and given my dad hell for not instantly divorcing her when I thought he should.
It’s going to be one hell of a humble pie that I eat if it ever happens.

I think I need to get dd settled and have some counselling because if I’m going to repair this I have to get it right first time.

Good luck OP. I can feel how much you are hurting. I hope you can start putting things right and rebuilding your life. It sounds like you have actually started down the right road already.