So sad

[Elfingbell]

Last year I felt I had it all - loved my job, bought my first home with the man I loved and had dd, then:
We get hit with astronomical fees for 24hr fire watch in our apartment block. My partner left me for another woman when dd was a few months old. Covid saw me working from home and looking after DD I wasn’t performing at my best and have now lost my job.
I’ve spent 90% of my savings and this week will move back to my hometown and move in with my mentally ill mother.
I’m returning the keys to my apartment to the bank which means I’ve lost my deposit money but frees me from the mortgage, repossession wasn’t far off anyway.
I know I’m lucky having somewhere safe to go and some savings but I’m just so sad that It’s come to this.
I’m not looking for sympathy or advice I just needed to write it down.

I'm going to go slightly against the grain, here. If you truly want to repair the relationship with your SM, then I think you should get settled before doing so. To do it now would seem a bit disingenuous (even if its not) as you are in need of something. I think you have to start off on a much better foot with her as you have a lot to make up to her.

I'm really sorry for the year you've had. But (and I really hope this doesn't sound patronising!) it could be a real turning point for you? It sounds like you've already realised some things that need to change. You can do it

Thanks I don’t disagree with you, my gut feeling was that I need some counselling before I do anything because I sure as hell don’t want to mess it up.
My siblings have a really good relationship with her but they both say what I did and said broke her.

You step mother actually sounds like an amazing woman - even after everything you did she still wanted to reach out to you and make something handmade for your child. Her and your dad must have such a strong relationship to withstand what you did. I'm not saying that to put the boot in or anything as you seem genuinely horrified by your actions, but just to say that you may find that she is more receptive to you than you think. And you may even manage to have many years of a close relationship with her in the future, and your DD could have her a warm relationship with her step-grandmother. Sorry everything your own mother put you through, it sounds like she was really awful as a mother.

@HarrietPotterska

I'm going to go slightly against the grain, here. If you truly want to repair the relationship with your SM, then I think you should get settled before doing so. To do it now would seem a bit disingenuous (even if its not) as you are in need of something. I think you have to start off on a much better foot with her as you have a lot to make up to her.

I'm really sorry for the year you've had. But (and I really hope this doesn't sound patronising!) it could be a real turning point for you? It sounds like you've already realised some things that need to change. You can do it

I don't disagree and think op should Def keep it to just apologising for the past not asking for anything now, bit i also think imagine if she realises now bit by the time she's settled enough to say something it's too late

I’ve had a brief conversation with my dad, he knew I was coming back because dm had told him of course and had reiterated that stepmum was not to have any access to dd even digitally.
I should have guessed that dm would have done this she definitely gave him the impression that dm was speaking on my behalf and with my knowledge. I tried to tell him that she wasn’t but he hung up on me then texted to say that he wasn’t angry about the money or disappointed that I’d lost my job but couldn’t cope with any more hurt.

Should I let the dust settle and send a letter or do it straight away.

Straight away. Put it all down sincerely before any more damage is done. Wow your mother is a piece of work!

@SleepingStandingUp I see what you mean, but I just think it would look a bit convenient to be apologising now, and really wont look sincere at all, even if it is.

@SleepingStandingUp i.e., I think it could do more damage than good as it looks a bit emotionally manipulative, iyswim

Maybe at this point just a text back to say what you've just said in that your m (no dear about her tbh!) wasn't speaking on your behalf or with your knowledge so from now on can he please ignore anything she says about you or your DD. Say you'll be in touch soon.

Then you can think about what you want to write in your letter without her stirring up any more bile in the meantime.

I’m going for a long walk with dd to gather my thoughts and allow my dm let the (male) neighbour know that their daily baby walking service won’t be required. I find it slightly odd that a 40 something man with no kids would even want to take my dd out for two hours every day. Even if it was allowed I wouldn’t feel comfortable with this without getting to know the person first.
dm has dressed up her conversation with dad as looking out for my best interests and protecting dd from potential abuse from stepmum. No point trying to argue with her as she will either have a heart attack or start screeching at me

I'd keep it short.

"I didn't ask her to speak for me. She doesn't. I'm sorry. Be in touch soon"

Just seen your update. I think I'd let it settle for a couple of weeks, then write the letter

@SleepingStandingUp thank you you have been so helpful, I’ve texted my dad with exactly what you said.

My dsis has suggested that I reach out to my stepbrother, he’s the kindest most gentle soul and is staying with dad and step mum after a year doing volunteer work abroad. I might email him tomorrow and see if he will chat to me.

I hope it works out @Elfingbell. You might not have treated your Dad and Step Mom great in the past, but you've had a hard time I'd it too, and you recognise what you need to do. You deserve the chance to make amends x

I am going to be blunt... In the time you have spent posting on here about how bad you feel about how you treated your sm and how you need to apologise... You could have apologised.
It doesn't need time or councelling or chats with your step brother.
You just need to get on with it.
Whether your dad and sm accept it in good faith or think its convenient timing on your side is neither here nor there. That's up to them.
You could word a letter saying that under going personal hardship has made you wake up, mature and realise just how awful you have been.
You need to also offer to take dd to meet sm.. A gorgeous toddler will be great softener.. You will both have something in common.. You will both love this little girl.
Come on OP... if your genuinely sorry nothing is stopping you from apologising

Your right Theredjellybean and the reason I came and posted about it was to try and get some outside perspective because I will probably only have one shot at this and I really don’t want to get it wrong.

I honestly thought counselling was a good idea in order to work through my feelings of anger (at my dm) and the shame and guilt I have.
My dsis has a good relationship with dad, stepmum and step bro so I do trust her judgment but I’m here to listen to everyone so thank you.

Unfortunately I can’t take dd to meet her at the moment because they are both shielding for health reasons, I know she will love dd but I don’t want them to think I’m using dd to manipulate them.

Stop overthinking this.

Phone your dad again. Apologise unreservedly for past behaviour, tell him you recognise your mother is toxic, and that what she said to him was't from you.

Bring DD to their front garden to wave.

You need to get over your reluctance to try to get council housing. Going back to your toxic mother is a terrible mistake. You will pay for it, but so will your DD.

The fact that she has either given in to a single male neighbour's offer to walk your DD or has pressed him to do it shows that your mother is a danger to your child.

My siblings have a really good relationship with her but they both say what I did and said broke her

Whilst you probably should try and make amends with your step mum. Just keep at the back of your mind what your siblings have said. She sounds like an amazing woman but everybody has their limits. It might be that she is no longer open to a relationship. May be worth preparing yourself for that possibility.

@mathanxiety thank you, I know that staying with dm was a terrible idea and I’m looking for somewhere else to stay, I don’t want to start renting somewhere because if I find the right job and it’s 50 miles away I would be willing to settle somewhere completely new.
I know nothing about council housing and I’m not reluctant to explore the idea but I do have some savings left and assumed that would mean I’m not eligible. I am aware that because I left my apartment before it was repossessed I’m intentionally homeless.

Tbh you'd be very low priority. You're loving with family and the house is large enough. Not sure of your area but in general, they would put you bottom band

Living

Thank you Dawnlassie, I am totally prepared to be told that they don’t want me back in their lives but my gut feeling is that my stepmum would welcome me back once she is convinced that I can be trusted.
I know she is amazing there can’t be many people who would take on three very young children and I wish things had been different but with dm saying every time we saw her that if it wasn’t for stepmum she would have got back with dad I don’t think I stood a chance.
I think my siblings got sucked into the toxic mind games too but once they’d gone to uni, started jobs etc they gained some perspective.
I think the person least likely to forgive me is my youngest step sister, she is rightly very protective of her mum and will probably not want to share her with me again.

the other thing op is i imagine this rift has been hard on your siblings - full, half, step. So i'd also start with apologise to them. Start with the sister who gave you the lecture, tell her she's right and it's made you reassess. apologise to your other siblings over the phone or by letter if not possible to speak to them.
It's the right thing to do and it will also show dad and step mum you mean it holistically

I have spoken to my siblings, my dsis who initially gave me the lecture about how my behaviour affected other people (way back when I got pregnant with dd) was definitely been the catalyst for this and her relentless support and truth telling is the thing that made me realise the truth.
My other dsis is more distant, she has very little to do with me or dm other than being around for family celebrations and it always ends in a huge argument with dm, she sees dad and stepmum on a fairly regular basis. She has a partner and is happy but thinks our family is completely dysfunctional because of the way dm is and the fact that dad didn’t do enough to protect us from her toxicity.
My eldest step sister would speak to me she has reached out on a few occasions and asked me to consider ending my "campaign of hatred" against stepmum because it makes everyone not just her miserable but especially hurts my dad.
My stepbro is lovely he is such a kind gentle person and my sis says that he would just listen, digest what I had to say and tell me honestly if he thinks there is a way forward.
My youngest step sis will be my fiercest critic and rightly so - I positively encouraged the twins to taunt and bully her for her whole childhood, I believe it had a terrible affect on her because it inevitably spilled over into school.

Dad has texted me this morning asking if I need anything and I’ve replied saying "I just need to tell you that I want to apologise for all the hurt and heartache I’ve caused over the years. I don’t want any practical help, this is my mess to sort out but I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on my actions in the past and if it’s possible I want to put things right going forward."