So sad

[Elfingbell]

Last year I felt I had it all - loved my job, bought my first home with the man I loved and had dd, then:
We get hit with astronomical fees for 24hr fire watch in our apartment block. My partner left me for another woman when dd was a few months old. Covid saw me working from home and looking after DD I wasn’t performing at my best and have now lost my job.
I’ve spent 90% of my savings and this week will move back to my hometown and move in with my mentally ill mother.
I’m returning the keys to my apartment to the bank which means I’ve lost my deposit money but frees me from the mortgage, repossession wasn’t far off anyway.
I know I’m lucky having somewhere safe to go and some savings but I’m just so sad that It’s come to this.
I’m not looking for sympathy or advice I just needed to write it down.

I didn't mean to sound harsh, by the way. Did you really believe your step-mother was awful or did you know deep down she wasn't?

My MIL is a strange woman and when she apologises I think she genuinely means it, but she goes back to her old ways so she really can't be trusted. She's in her 70s though and I don't think she's capable of change. I hope with all my heart that you are, because she's not a happy person. I'd wish for you that you can be a happy person.

In time I hope you can forgive yourself. A lot of the stuff you've mentioned you were a child for. It's possible to both take responsibility and forgive yourself, so that you're not walking around carrying shame and guilt. What you can't do is skip the taking responsibility bit, but I don't sense you're doing that at all.

I'm so sorry your DM was so terrible and that your Dad was so passive. You might find yourself feeling angry with him too. Parents are supposed to provide boundaries. I'd imagine though that he was damaged/emotionally traumatised and afraid of your DM and the power she had over you. Again with my MIL, the power she had over my DH as a grown man was immense. A life time of trying to keep her happy/from attacking - such a hard habit to break.

It's wonderful that you've seen reality and you and your DD won't end up like you and your DM. I hope everything goes really well for you.

I feel overly invested in your story. I can relate: my kids have been royally twisted by their absent father. It's mental cruelty for them and absolute hell for me to live with.

My youngest has been particularly vitriolic towards me and my family. I love him, but at the moment, would not welcome him back into my home. That's my safety net. It would take a lot of effort on his part over some time, for him to prove himself trustworthy, because I could not go through it all again.

Your family, if they choose to, have to learn to like, believe and trust you. None of which can be forced. It may take years, but I think you really do have to be guided by then.

Be available, say what you mean and mean what you say, and let them set the pace.

I really hope it works out for you.

I would agree that you were a child/ teenager when all this happened. We could all look back at some of the things we did then and go wtaf?! We aren’t emotionally mature yet. I was an awful 14/15/16 year old. To my own mum who was always very lovely to me and I had a stable upbringing.

You had a very dysfunctional relationship which a controlling mother and then had to live with a new family. As long as you are able to look back and see how much hurt your behaviour you caused and are remorseful then you need to be kind to yourself.

Give it all time. You have the rest of your life and your daughter’s life to build bridges and repair these relationships. Primarily with your Dad and Step Mum. But give them space and time to show you genuinely mean it. Send cards and photos from time to time. Keep in touch but be guided by them.

Distance yourself a such as possible from your Mum. These other flats sound like a great option.

Thanks you all, I did know deep down that stepmum was a good person, she’s caring, gentle and very kind that’s why she was such an easy target. When I was 16 she tried to talk to me about my relationship with her and my mum, I wasn’t receptive but she said that because mum abandoned us when we were so young and effectively vanished for the best part of a year it was understandable that we’d put her on a pedestal because to admit the truth (we’d been abandoned by her) was too painful. I was angry at the time but I’ve never forgotten that and it’s been nagging in the back of my mind for years.

The flat and bedsit were both very grim and I’m worried about the other tenants (mostly young) and nobody else with children. I haven’t said no but I need to put out some more feelers.
Dm is miraculously fighting fit today and has gone rambling with her friends, she’s cancelled her cleaner and left me a long list of chores, she’s been fishing for a blow by blow account of what dad said to me and said we need to have a serious talk about stepmum stopping dad having a relationship with his only grandchild.
It was so hard not to spit back at her that he has two other grandchildren (stepsister’s dcs) but this is what she does manipulates and makes stuff up about stepmum.

Can you reach out to friends far and wide that may have a spare room in a more suitable house?

That’s what I’m doing, currently contacting all of my old school friends who have still got parents locally.

I’ve found a couple of jobs to apply for too but haven’t heard a thing from my dad. I have had a lovely email from my eldest stepsister, just saying that she’s really sorry I’ve had to move home with dd.

I've read the whole thing, your SM sounds very intuitive and sympathetic, you sound like you have had an absolutely shit childhood and that leaves scars. Maybe SM understands more about you than you think?
I agree with PP that maybe family counselling with your dad and SM is a way through this that protects all of you.
Also, I suggest you read up about childhood trauma and how it can affect you. A lot of these things, they are down to you because you did them, but you were a child in a very bad situation so its maybe understandable you did them.

This might provide some insight.
acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/

Try to be kind to yourself, all you can do now is apologise, mean it and promise to treat your dad and step-mum better in the future.

I really hope things improve for you

That's so nice of your eldest stepsister. It sounds like they really do know and understand how awful your DM is. DH was told by his doctor in relation to his DM to stay away from toxic people and it still didn't hit him till a few years later that she is toxic. It came as a shock to him. Prior to that any criticism of his DM would cause him to be angry. It's very difficult to admit that your mother is not a mother.

I hope you find a suitable place to live soon. You sound very together for all you've been through.

@Apileofballyhoo until this year I wouldn’t have been persuaded by anyone that my dm was toxic, I really believed her shit about her and dad being on the verge of getting back together and stepmum not loving us etc.

When dd was six months old I can remember the twins visiting and one of them saying "could you leave her, because that’s what mum did to us"

Dm was so manipulative - Christmas Day was always split, morning at home, stockings, presents, big Christmas dinner and then the afternoon at DM’s and off to the pub for a buffet tea. Dm would say things like "I bet your step siblings are having extra presents this afternoon, it’s not fair they are spending more on them etc etc. She would whip us up into a frenzy of jealousy and by the time dad collected us on Boxing Day we were primed and ready to explode.
It was true they had extra presents but they didn’t have a dad and stepmum would always wrap a couple of gifts from their dad to open in the afternoon.

I can well believe that you couldn't bear to hear a word against your mother, and that she poisoned you against others. Sounds exactly like my MIL. She had enough sense for many years to keep her criticisms of me and DS to a minimum but she eventually couldn't contain herself any longer and it was bad enough that DH could no longer pretend that she was the victim or she didn't mean it or whatever denial mechanism he used. I don't think he'd ever have seen it if she hadn't attacked me. He was willing to believe all sorts of shit about his entire family rather than question her narrative, but he lives with me and knows I'm not a bad person and that I've never done anything to hurt his mother, and he knows DS isn't any of the things that she said he was. So that was that. It led him to questioning anything she ever told him.

You're lucky you have your siblings. DH and his siblings are not close because they were played against each other all their lives. DH did have terrible goes at some family members down to things his DM told him, and he apologized, but he lives with guilt about it. It's all very sad. In general though he's much happier, as she no longer has power over him. He's hoping he'll be able to have better relationships with family members once she's dead, as she'll no longer be able to interfere.

@Apileofballyhoo that sounds just like my dm, I’m sorry you became a target. How can a mother deliberately harm her own dc, I just don’t understand it was bad enough leaving but behaving the way she did was awful, I know she has mental health problems but as my sister said that doesn’t cause you to be a manipulative bastard.

@QuentinWinters thanks for that link I will take a look when dd is in bed.

When dd was six months old I can remember the twins visiting and one of them saying "could you leave her, because that’s what mum did to us" I'm reading this looking at my 11 month old twins. DS is 5. DH is a good Dad. Even if I could imagine a place dark enough to leave them (my Mom left when I was 5 but she moved out, we still saw her three times a week) I couldn't imagine anything but gratitude to a woman who would take them on.

Your Mom is jealous of your Step Mom, so she projected that onto you guys.

I'd message your Dad once you move out / have a job of he hasn't messaged before

...she’s been fishing for a blow by blow account of what dad said to me and said we need to have a serious talk about stepmum stopping dad having a relationship with his only grandchild.
It was so hard not to spit back at her that he has two other grandchildren (stepsister’s dcs) but this is what she does manipulates and makes stuff up about stepmum.

In the nicest possible way ....

WTF !

How does she know you've been in touch with your dad?

What are you doing, talking to her??????!!!!
Answer - trying to get her to love you. You are still completely stuck at the point where you were when she abandoned you.

Your SM was completely correct to say that the truth (that your mother abandoned you) was too hard to process, so you just didn't, and you still haven't, though you are inching toward that place.

Now that you are starting to understand that, you need to start disengaging or you will always be stuck.

Disengaging means that you need to STOP talking about your life to this toxic woman who cares nothing about you or your DD.

You are never going to get any support from her.
You are never going to get any love from her - she is not capable of loving anyone.

@mathanxiety I know, it’s difficult to explain but my mother has a way of insisting that she knows every detail (I mean every detail) of my life, all of the time. The only way I’ve been able to keep this thread secret from her is to say I’m chatting with mum friends or job hunting, clearing my history and never leaving a window open are second nature and I always wear clothes with pockets when I’m here so that I don’t have to put my phone down anywhere.

"You have the right to remain silent"...
Or tell her to mind her own business.

Don't tell her any more. It takes two to dance this dance.

Getting out of there should be your number one priority.

She really is toxic!!!

The only person that needs cutting out of your and your DDs life is her!

My life could have been so different if I’d woken up to this years ago, I went down a rabbit hole on the internet last night after following that link about childhood trauma, it’s been really useful.

My dsis arrived just after 8:00am to collect dd for what I thought was the day but dsis announced that they will keep her overnight and they are coming back at 5:00 to collect me too.
Dm was not happy but my dsis said "the last time I riffled through her personal possessions to check the expiration date of her passport (direct reference to why dsis left home) I noticed that Elfingbell is over 21 and I believe that makes her an adult even in your world".

So I have a day to house and job hunt and learnt last night about "grey rocking" so that’s what I’m doing.

DM is waving wads of paper at me and saying you’ll be breaking the guidelines on Covid if you go, I just keep saying "I’ll take a look when I’m on my 30 minute lunch break but I think as a homeless person I’m exempt"

Glad you are finding your strength!!

My life could have been so different if I’d woken up to this years ago

But remember you could have woken up to it in 10 years time, but you have done it now! You have the rest of your life ahead of you to become the person you want to be - and sad as it is that you have to do it, once you leave your mother and her influence behind there will be no stopping you :)

Brilliant day so far:

Found a woman on LinkedIn who was in my year at school who is working in her parents recruitment company and she said she will start putting my CV forward for anything that fits my skill set and qualifications.

The best bit is that I think I’ve found somewhere to live too.

Do I just leave without telling dm where I’m going?

@Elfingbell

Brilliant day so far:

Found a woman on LinkedIn who was in my year at school who is working in her parents recruitment company and she said she will start putting my CV forward for anything that fits my skill set and qualifications.

The best bit is that I think I’ve found somewhere to live too.

Do I just leave without telling dm where I’m going?

Absolutely! Cut the toxicity out of your life and start afresh! Personally been here myself and it's the best thing you'll ever do for yourself and your daughter

Good luck x

Yes leave by doing a midnight flit if possible!!

@Elfingbell

Brilliant day so far:

Found a woman on LinkedIn who was in my year at school who is working in her parents recruitment company and she said she will start putting my CV forward for anything that fits my skill set and qualifications.

The best bit is that I think I’ve found somewhere to live too.

Do I just leave without telling dm where I’m going?

God yes.

Text once your clear, sat you've moved out and you'll be in touch. Then text you Dad and whichever siblings and give them your new address.

Yay! Yes just leave. Good luck!

She will be going Nordic walking on Wednesday so I’ll leave while she’s out, that way I can take all my stuff with me as I have boxes in the garage.