So sad

[Elfingbell]

Last year I felt I had it all - loved my job, bought my first home with the man I loved and had dd, then:
We get hit with astronomical fees for 24hr fire watch in our apartment block. My partner left me for another woman when dd was a few months old. Covid saw me working from home and looking after DD I wasn’t performing at my best and have now lost my job.
I’ve spent 90% of my savings and this week will move back to my hometown and move in with my mentally ill mother.
I’m returning the keys to my apartment to the bank which means I’ve lost my deposit money but frees me from the mortgage, repossession wasn’t far off anyway.
I know I’m lucky having somewhere safe to go and some savings but I’m just so sad that It’s come to this.
I’m not looking for sympathy or advice I just needed to write it down.

I want to let you all know that your posts and the honesty and compassion with which they’ve been delivered has been really helpful. The pandemic and all those months I had to spend alone reflecting on the past and what I hoped for dd as she grows up have at least made me realise the truth.

I don’t know why I keep complying with my DM’s demands though, it’s a complete mystery to me. I think there is part of me that hates her and another part that wishes she was like stepmum.

I think that's a perfect reply.

He loves you Elfing.

Don't panic if he doesn't reply to you too quickly, he's going to be in massive shock and to see that you mean it. Could you send him a picture of your daughter, just put under it "for you and StepMum" .

Keep talking to your siblings, keep being honest with yourself and def look into therapy. You comply because you're trying to win her love would be my guess.

If i just do that, she'll stop shouting and be like StepMum.

If i just do this, I'll be good enough.

It's child logic because your relationship with her is stuck in a childhood phase because you didn't get what you needed at the time.
Thing is Elf, you never will. But you can move past the stage with help, honesty and a lot of tears x

That's such a lovely reply you sent to your dad. I'm really rooting for you to heal your family rift and experience being part of a loving family. Unfortunately you may need to completely detach yourself from your mother to heal, as it sounds from what she said to your dad that she is still trying to cause trouble for your stepmother. Don't beat yourself up too much about your past actions, it sounds like you have been manipulated by your mother for your whole life - and just be grateful you've come to your senses now, and not in another 10 years time. Good luck with your job hunting and creating a new life for you and your DD x

I’ve had a reply from Dad

Elfingbell I hear what you say and as it’s the very first time you’ve shown any kind of remorse or even acknowledged that you have caused hurt and real long lasting damage it’s come as a complete shock. I need time to think about what you’ve intimated and the likely effect it will have on the rest of OUR FAMILY. Because while you have been living your life and spreading your poison to friends, your ex dp and his family and colluding with your mother in a hate campaign against stepmum, we have been supporting each other whilst coming to terms with the things you said and did.
In the spirit of going forwards in honesty please tell me if it was you who cancelled our wedding photography and was it you who hid step sisters instrument on the day of her grade 8 exam.
I’m sure there will be lots of questions other family members will want honest answers to but the first of these hurt me beyond measure and the second damaged my relationship with my wife and your step sis to a point that we only came back from because of the people THEY are.

Elfingbell, I think you should be so proud of yourself for starting this process. Of course, there is a chance that these relationships are beyond repair. But it's incredibly hard to admit that you've done wrong and really step up to honestly to take responsibility.

It's very common to see things completely differently when you have kids of your own. There's so much going on here, you've obviously felt abandoned by your M and were affected as a child by her frankly abusive tendencies. Yet at the same time carrying that dynamic on until you were more grown up and knew better. My heart absolutely goes out to you.

Your Dad and Step Mum sound lovely. It will take a while for them to absorb and process what you are saying after all these years.

They should understand the impact of your mother’s behaviour on you. Not to excuse your actions. Of course you own up and just keep saying sorry. People change. But I’m sure they’ll have some recognition of the role your dm has played in this when you were a child.

All you can do now is be honest, be kind and ask for forgiveness. It’s up to them how the relationship plays forward. But sending photos and updates of your child is a lovely thing to do

I don’t know why I keep complying with my DM’s demands though, it’s a complete mystery to me. I think there is part of me that hates her and another part that wishes she was like stepmum.

I've read that when there is trauma to a child (like being abandoned by a mother) the trauma response stays the same age. So your trauma response is trapped at 3 years old, doing as you're told in an attempt to placate your mother and afraid of being abandoned again - which your sisters wouldn't have had to the same extent being that much younger. It might be woo-woo bullshit but it makes a lot of sense to me.

Breaking a generational cycle is hard. Good luck, I hope you and your family find peace.

Thank you so much, I don’t feel that I deserve such kindness.

I’ve simply texted back Yes I did and Yes it was me, I’m sorry and totally ashamed of my behaviour and the subsequent lies I told.
I’m not asking for you to accept my apologies or forgive me because that is up to you but I am truly sorry. I love you very much dad and wondered if you would like me to send some photos of dd for you to share with stepmum. I’m not wanting to do this to try and minimise or excuse my behaviour but because I want you both to have a relationship with dd going forwards, she deserves to get to know you both on your terms even if that excludes me.

Wow. This is a lot. Your poor dad and step mum. They sound incredible.

If you were to reconcile is really strongly suggest getting a family therapist to help you all to do it in a way that keeps everyone emotionally safe.

I’ve come to realise that even if I can’t be part of the family again hopefully my dd can and they can have as much or as little contact with her as they want.

Effingbell, I think you've been incredibly brave to post what you have here, hats off to you.

The one thing I wanted to say (other than that I really hope next year is a huge improvement for you) is that you should tell your stepmum - in a letter or face to face, whichever works for you, that you're sorry. That you genuinely realise what you put her through and that it's an uncomfortable realisation for you as you can remember all the good things that she did for you - and the nasty things that you did to her in return. Ask for nothing other than the hope that she'll forgive you. Then, forget it and make your plans to leave your mum's when you can.

You will be validating your stepmum who must have been wondering whether she could/should have done things differently/better for you. You can give her that and feel good that have.

Best to you

Sadly face to face isn’t going to be possible because they are shielding but I want to wait until my dads absorbed what I said to him and be guided by him.

Not trying to dodge doing it but as I said before I want to get right because it has to be right.

If you are honest Effingbell, it will be right. What it won't be is perfect. Or easy, I shouldn't think. I'm so impressed by what you've started though.

A word of warning - you must get out of your mother's house. You've been through the wringer and I imagine you feel pretty low and vulnerable right now. If you feel like you couldn't go any lower, you're wrong. She will drain you completely.

I know and my dad has said that he thinks it’s not the best place for us, fortunately my dm is currently having imaginary "heart problems" so can only lie in a darkened room and speak in whispers. Strangely if her phone rings she can answer it in a perfectly normal voice. I am seeing her in a totally new light.

In a strange way coming here has helped me see just how awful she really is, for the past six years I’ve never come here without my exDP and she was always on her best behaviour.

Oh love what a mess.

In a strange way coming here has helped me see just how awful she really is, for the past six years I’ve never come here without my exDP and she was always on her best behaviour.

This may help you, you know. Because you do need that counselling to help you to work through and reinterpret things. You've grown yourself though, which is why it wasn't/isn't necessary for you to have it before apologising.

Waiting to hear from my dad again is killing me, wanting to know if they want dd in their lives is how they’ve felt isn’t it. I’ve had one afternoon of this and feel awful but they’ve had eight years of feeling like this probably every time we’ve had contact.

They may be frightened that if they let her in they’ll love her, and it could be so much more hurt if you were to turn against them and take her away again.

You know what, this needs time. Slowly doing everything you can to show them you mean it over the next months and years.

I’m sure you’ll get there.

And in the meantime- I honestly think anything is better than being with your mum. Even a bedsit in a hostel.

I agree, slowly slowly. He's not the only person due apologies so I'd make sure you do those too. And tell your mother nothing.

Yes, this is probably just how they've felt over the years. I know that this is hard for you, the waiting, but you've just go to sit it out - and make absolutely no mention of your situation because it will smack of trying to get a better one, at their expense.

Make your wholehearted, no-ties apology - and offer for them to see your daughter when restrictions are lifted - and start working on the bits of yourself that you're now aware of. I imagine its been really tough, the dawning of realisation, would be for anybody but it won't kill you and will hopefully really open up some doors for you in future.

My youngest step sis will be my fiercest critic and rightly so - I positively encouraged the twins to taunt and bully her for her whole childhood, I believe it had a terrible affect on her because it inevitably spilled over into school.

Have you been able to make contact with your youngest step sister? Will she ever be able to forgive you do you think ?

@nimbuscloud

My youngest step sis will be my fiercest critic and rightly so - I positively encouraged the twins to taunt and bully her for her whole childhood, I believe it had a terrible affect on her because it inevitably spilled over into school.

Have you been able to make contact with your youngest step sister? Will she ever be able to forgive you do you think ?

I don’t have her contact details and she doesn’t use social media so I haven’t tried to contact her yet but I fully intend doing so, I have to because she deserves an apology and the chance to have a relationship with dd too.

I’ve messaged exDP and asked him to call me tonight because I have something to tell him, I’m not looking forward to that conversation either.
This has all happened much faster than I thought it would, in my head it was a neat, tidy and orderly process but I’m learning that real life isn’t like that.

My mother is now referring to me and dd as the flowers in the attic in reference to an awful series of books she read to us when we were kids

Your dad and stepmother sound like lovely people who i get a feeling will forgive you. I hope it all works out well for you.

I loved those books bit yeah, not really something I'd read the kids and not an inference I'd make. Just breathe deep and let it wash over you and don't retaliate by mentioning your Dad.

I just wanted to add my voice to the others offering support. You’ve shown real courage in facing up to your past actions, and even if your dad and stepmum don’t feel able to let you into their lives right now you have taken a really important first step.

Now I think you need to leave it with them, take a deep breath, and focus on building a new life for you and your DD. Which means getting the two of you away from your DM s soon as possible.

And be kind to yourself. You’ve owned your mistakes and one day you may find yourself in a position to make reparation for them. But in this moment you need to save all of your energy for the challenges that lie ahead. Stop beating yourself up. Try not to ruminate on the past. Good luck.