Anyone else never had financial help from parents for house deposits etc?

[sausagedoglove]

I get so down when I read about all the people on MN, and friends IRL who have had the Bank of Mum and Dad help them out with house deposits or early inheritance, or even inheritance from grandparents to help pay down debt or upgrade their car etc.

I've had nothing and I've been told to expect nothing. My parents are well off, their house is paid off and currently undergoing extensive renovations all paid for in cash (over £100k), three investment properties (with mortgages) which is the income they'll be relying on when they retire in a few years, plus income from share portfolio.

It's their money, they can do what they want, but I do feel a bit down about it all.

My parents were very much "children are to be seen not heard" kind of people, and any money I come in to should be earned on my own. That's all fine, but the cost of housing in this country is crippling and they just don't get it. I'll be renting for the rest of my life and without capital I can't really grow my wealth much.

Anyone else?

My parents were fairly poor (one salary) and shit with money, as were DPs. We have had zero money from parents or inheritance. We bought our first flat, saving up the 10% deposit of £25k through ridiculous amount of overtime for 18m, when we were late twenties in early 2000s. Sold, bought a house. Sold, bought current house. Have always paid mortgage and 4 kids school fees out of earnings. Both work really hard (long hours) and are in pretty well paid jobs.

Whilst it does sometime annoy me when I hear people going on about grandparents paying the school fees (by far the majority of families I know are being helped with fees, very few doing it out of earnings alone like we are), I do get a sense of satisfaction that the comfortable lifestyle DP and I have built has all been done through our own hard work. Bugger all savings or investments though!

I do wonder how people are expected to do it with house prices being so much more than wages now.

I didn't get any financial help, nor did I expect any.

My parents are downsizing, and have offered to give DH and I some money, but I feel uneasy about accepting it. They worked hard for it, taught me to do the same, so I'd rather they enjoyed their money.

2Bazookas

I agree there are several places in UK where property can be bought for under 100k

People don't want to move, long commutes, move away from family, etc that is their choice

Yes. I grew up on a council estate and my parents were never in a position to help me financially in any way. I literally never got a penny towards a deposit, and nor did I expect it.

So many middle-class people just don’t understand that not everyone’s parents are able to subsidise their offspring’s lives.

DH & I received no financial help at all from our parents, but as parents ourselves we are in the position to be able to help our own 3DDs with a very substantial sum each towards their first homes.

I feel enormous sympathy for those of their generation, like you OP, who will not be helped in this way as it is so difficult now for young people to become home owners

@pinpinbin

My parents were fairly poor (one salary) and shit with money, as were DPs. We have had zero money from parents or inheritance. We bought our first flat, saving up the 10% deposit of £25k through ridiculous amount of overtime for 18m, when we were late twenties in early 2000s. Sold, bought a house. Sold, bought current house. Have always paid mortgage and 4 kids school fees out of earnings. Both work really hard (long hours) and are in pretty well paid jobs.

Whilst it does sometime annoy me when I hear people going on about grandparents paying the school fees (by far the majority of families I know are being helped with fees, very few doing it out of earnings alone like we are), I do get a sense of satisfaction that the comfortable lifestyle DP and I have built has all been done through our own hard work. Bugger all savings or investments though!

I do wonder how people are expected to do it with house prices being so much more than wages now.

Early 2000s a family house in say, Clapham (SW London) would have been about £500k. Today that would be £1.5m+ 😭

No help here. Had to save and bought a place when I was 30 (a few years ago). But they gave me a fab education and all the love I could ever want.

Although they are wealthy, I was encouraged to pay my way and earn my own money, as well as to consider the lifestyle I wanted. So I deliberately chose a well-earning career which means I can afford whatever I want now. And I don't begrudge them spending money on themselves - they are entitled to do so, it is their money and I doubt I will get much of an inheritance the way they go through it :D

Nope. My dad started life with nothing and didn’t believe in hand outs. Standing on my own feet did me the world of good.

See, we all live very different lives...

I don't know anyone who pays 'school fees'. You just send your kids to the local comprehensive. The same way I don't know anyone who lives in a £1.5m house. Or whose parents helped them out financially.

Maybe it causes resentment if you move in those circles and your parents aren't supporting you when everyone else's are, but I'm from a steelworker background in a Northern city and so it's normal to expect to leave school, get a job and stand on your own two feet. I can't imagine as an adult expecting anyone else to financially support me, ever.

It's difficult for me to relate to.

Not a penny from either set of parents, no inheritance from either. Have done it all on our own.

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/82950343#/

On my street. £75k. I understand that people don't want to move, but for many of us it's hard to imagine people aspiring to money for school fees and a house in Clapham, to be honest.

Me and my partner did it with no help. We just got decent jobs, rented in a cheap area and saved like mad. After a few years, when I was 29 and he was 31 we had £14k and we put it all into a deposit on a flat above a shop. After 5 years the value of the flat had increased 100% so we were able to sell and buy the 3 bed semi we are in now. Neither of our families/parents have any money to give though.

I didn't... but the majority of birthday/Christmas presents that I received from relatives were cash (small amounts such as £5) and all of these were put into a savings account that my parents didn't let me touch until I was buying my first house at 24. If a neighbour gave me 50p or my grandparents gave me £1 when I saw them, it all went into my money box which got paid into my account monthly. I never questioned it and am grateful for the £7000 it added up to.

@BobbinThreadbare123, I think it's something you're more conscious of when you're the eldest.

In one way, I feel lucky that even though we didn't have much, not many around us did either. And it's the same for me now in some respects. I'm 42 and I live in social housing (so in my case, it's very, very unlikely I'll ever get on the property ladder) and work in a temporary minimum wage job but not many around where I live have more, and plenty have a lot less.

It's harder to be matter-of-fact about things when you feel much poorer than most of your neighbours and friends, so I can see where @sausagedoglove is coming from too.

My parents are rattling around in their massive house, with a housekeeper and a gardner. I'm living in a rented 3 bed semi, because that is all I can afford. They haven't given a penny since I left home at 19, and have always been clear that money is earned and not gifted. I'll inherit once they're gone, but if they follow their own parent's longevity I will be well into my 70s before that happens. DH's parents are far less well off financially and have no spare funds to share, but are still more generous with gifts etc..

if my parents could have helped me then they would have, but they lived very simple lives in a very small house, they left very little behind. They were very clear that they would have helped in any way they could though - and were sorry they were not able to give, rather than lend, money to their DC.

I'm sorry your parents are not more supportive @sausagedoglove - I really don't understand them - but then my needs are very small, some people live a lifestyle that bemuses me.

Never a penny. The opposite in fact. We released our in laws equity by buying a portion of the house. We also paid for refurbishment of my mother's house including getting an indoor lavatory fitted.

I’ve never had an expectation that my/ my DHs parents would subsidise is. In part they couldn’t afford to, my dad has a comfortable retirement and doesn’t owe me any of that money, I don’t expect to inherit from him and am ok with that.

We did inherit from my MIL, who died 18 months after we got married. I’d much, much rather she had lived to spend her money on herself and my DH has more time with her. It was no blessing.

Zero from my parents (even though my mum could have afforded it, and was given loads from her own parents and grandparents during their lifetimes).

She watched me struggle in minimum wage jobs and unheated rented rooms, taking out loans to get better qualifications and gradually claw my way up. Meanwhile she bought herself anything she wanted. Bitter? Yes, I am, actually.

Now she has pissed away the money that she was given and inherited, and wants me to help support her financially.

That's a no from me. We have plenty of money now, but it's going to my kids, not her.

Currently buying my first property alone, mid twenties and SE. No financial help towards the deposit, no large financial sums as gifts in the past, etc...
HOWEVER I was supported through university. Which helped hugely and I am very grateful for.

So it sort of depends what you are talking about - I was supported financially after the age of 18, but since I graduated I've had nothing bar birthday/Christmas presents.

I'm proud of doing it 'solo' - but equally I am very aware that I started my working life off in a good position due to the support I had at uni so it sort of isn't solo.

But it's more solo than lots of people my age who have been bought car(s) and/or given deposit help!

Nothing. I'll be in social housing for the rest of my life.
All of my cousins got driving lessons/first cars/deposit help from grandparents but unfortunately most of my side of the family don't have a pot to piss in 🤷‍♀️

I try not to think about it to be honest because I end up feeling rubbish. I know that people look down on me for living in a crappy (small) council flat, but these same people conveniently forget about all the help they received and the leg up it gave them.

I've been thinking about this recently. Apologies in advance for spilling. I would never say anything like this out loud, really. I was always unique amongst my friends in having no help. There was one friend who was in a similar position to me, and she's just had an unexpected significant inheritance; a house and substantial savings. I don't feel proud of it, but I've felt a little sorry for myself.

I'm 49 and I haven't had any help, in fact I had to take a loan in my late 20's to help my mother pay off her mortgage when she retired. Which increasingly feels like the wrong way around! Particularly because she started married life with a house bought for her by her parents. Lots of poor decisions, financial and relationship wise, led to her needing her kids to help her out. I remember my employer loaned me the money and I paid it back in monthly instalments out of my earnings over two painful years. Just when I should have been saving for myself. I'm not likely to inherit anything from her house; it's long sold and funding a place in a retirement home.

Her being a single mum (my father went missing in action) and me being single during important financial years was also a financial disadvantage. If you're in a relationship you have potentially parents/in -laws that may be been able or willing to help, I was down to one, and she was a hindrance rather than a help, as above. I never met any of my grandparents; all died before I was born.

Amongst my friendship group, the ones who grew up in modest circumstances like myself (though better off than me) - there's about three that I'm still close to - uncannily seem to have all married into rich families, with in-laws that provide holidays, six figure house deposits and even whole houses. Similar for my siblings.

I eventually managed the save the deposit for a flat quite late, at 35/36, and could only afford interest only payments. It was a tiny deposit, which did get me on the ladder, but left a big mortgage remaining. Everything has been a scramble ever since, the mortgage is still big (though I've been on proper repayment for many years now). Retirement suddenly feels really close, and scary in terms of income.

I bought a lottery ticket yesterday, which I only do when slightly panicked!

I also have never benefitted from inheritance. Although they did lend me £1000 in 1996 when my student loans didn't come through for 12 weeks.

I have also never had a partner who reliably contributes financially. So alas, living in the South East with 3 children, means a lifetime of renting and living hand to mouth for me.

Maintenance would be good, but he stopped working as soon as we broke up 9 years ago now.

It is life. House ownership is no longer a personal expectation. Working until I drop is.

@UseOfWeapons

Not a penny, but never expected it, nor wanted it.

My wonderful parents have supported me 100% in all the ways that truly matter, except giving me money. They have offered a couple of times to give me money, a thousand quid after certain adverse life events, but I’ve never taken it. I’ve always thanked them for thinking of it, and assured them I’d ask if I needed it. I’ve always scraped by, or taken on additional work to sort myself out.

However, they share their immense wisdom and life experience, show me they love me, support my decisions, tell me I’m lovely, give the best cuddles, are amazing company, and funny. They also will listen when I need to talk, and tell me if I’m being a horse’s arse. They are 84 and 86, and I’m so proud of them and love them so much.

I’d rather have them as they are, than they smoothed the financial path for me. Making sure I made good budgetary decisions and didn’t get into debt was one of the best life lessons I could have had.

If I was in my 80s and offered my child money because they'd had a tough time, I'd be really upset if they refused. It's very kind of them to offer and if they can afford, why not give them the pleasure of accepting?

It never occurred to me to expect any money from my parents beyond help going to university. I expected to need to support myself from the day i graduated and I did.

Depending on how long our parents live, we may inherit some money that will go directly into our retirement funds and not touched for anything else. This is what our parents did when they inherited money from their parents.