Experimented and turns out nobody gives a shit!

[Freshon]

So this is sort of in jest. Sort of.

Over lockdown I’ve really questioned some of my ‘friendships.’ I think many people have. I’m lucky that I appear to have one who is still very much there for me and two distant friends who are consistently there but at a distance - fine we know where we stand. But basically...

After two people on two consecutive days cancelled on me without even messaging before I had messaged to ask what was going on, I decided to delete all my friend contacts.

I’ve literally heard from two people from my so called ‘friends’ category of contacts in the last week. One being my closest friend and the other being a distant friend with general distant checking in. The rest ive not heard from and usually it would be back and forth a couple of days a week, maybe a phone call. It’s obviously been me driving this and I feel embarrassed. I’ve sent these friends cards over lockdown, even the odd small gift as a cheer up style thing, I’ve messaged to say hope you’re ok and I miss you, now and then. I’m not a needy friend either, Im very aware of boundaries and wouldn’t push for contact from someone unless they responded. But these interactions have only been there because I’ve instigated haven’t they?

I feel shit about it and fed up. Anyone else found this? Just wanted to rant really.

Yeah but when you start giving gift to seek approval thats a sign things aren't healthy on your own part too.

I think you’ve got to give people a break. Things are tough right now for everyone and I think especially for a lot of women it’s hard to keep up friendships to a perfect standard with the pressures of kids and jobs, never mind with lockdown and all this bollocks on top of all of that. Unless you’re a 14yr old girl I think you’re being unreasonable.

@RedToothBrush I’m not sure I did the gifts to seek approval, at least not consciously, I did it more with the idea that I wanted to lift spirits during a difficult time. Ie my friend had been in tears about her job and so I sent her some luxury tea bags she likes. It wasn’t anything extravagant. It is something to consider though as I suppose it also made me feel better to have sent them.

@MostDisputesDieAndNoOneShoots I have to disagree on that one - I actually think now is the time to make sure your friends are ok and do genuinely believe if I mattered and they respected me in the same way I do them, then I would have heard from them the last 3 weeks. Three of them have been in touch as normal, the rest haven’t and that says a lot to me.

[quote Freshon]@RedToothBrush I’m not sure I did the gifts to seek approval, at least not consciously, I did it more with the idea that I wanted to lift spirits during a difficult time. Ie my friend had been in tears about her job and so I sent her some luxury tea bags she likes. It wasn’t anything extravagant. It is something to consider though as I suppose it also made me feel better to have sent them.

@MostDisputesDieAndNoOneShoots I have to disagree on that one - I actually think now is the time to make sure your friends are ok and do genuinely believe if I mattered and they respected me in the same way I do them, then I would have heard from them the last 3 weeks. Three of them have been in touch as normal, the rest haven’t and that says a lot to me.[/quote]
But @Freshon, you need to check your friends are ok, and you think that’s the right way to proceed, but your logic seems to be that if they valued you, they’d think the same way you do.

But they may genuinely value you but simply not feel the same way you do about levels of contact. I genuinely value my friends, but various difficult things on top of Covid, lockdown, challenging living conditions, job stuff, have meant that I’ve not wanted much contact. It’s nothing to do with them — they would be supportive if I needed support, but what I have needed in recent months was to withdraw a little, and they’ve respected that, and I really appreciate them doing that.

Not everyone expresses friendship via the levels of contact you think is right.

"I have to disagree on that one - I actually think now is the time to make sure your friends are ok and do genuinely believe if I mattered and they respected me in the same way I do them, then I would have heard from them the last 3 weeks"

But that's what you think. That's not the way everyone thinks. Some people are trying so hard to just keep on going now, that they are retreating into themselves.

Some people are trying so hard to just keep on going now, that they are retreating into themselves.

I don't want to deal with other people right now because its too easy to put your foot in it. Theres a few people id have talked to before but things have been difficult and quite honestly talking over message isn't easy and i find has a habit of being read in a way which wasn't intended which i don't want.

Until i can figure how how things stand with them via face to face conversation im not going to go there.

On that note i am also finding conversations with people wearing masks exceptionally difficult because i cant read their facial expressions.

All the gifts are about approval and attention seeking. 'Look how much of a good friend i am i gave you a gift'.

Ohhh now confused about when I should give a gift? I'm like OP I sent postcards, little bits to people, some favourite chocolate, a balloon for their DCs Lockdown birthday, I did to show I was thinking of them and make them smile.. I thought I did? Maybe I am trying to buy a friendship, but you know what when people have dropped things for my DC it's been lovely. I'm confused. Are you sure @RedToothBrush how did you reach this level of enlightenment? I'm intrigued, not being bitchy btw

There’s nothing wrong with doing thoughtful things for friends, including sending gifts. There’s also nothing wrong with enjoying doing something nice for someone! The only issue would be if you’re expecting effusive gratitude or gifts in return.

@rainonarainyday

All the gifts are about approval and attention seeking. 'Look how much of a good friend i am i gave you a gift'.

Ohhh now confused about when I should give a gift? I'm like OP I sent postcards, little bits to people, some favourite chocolate, a balloon for their DCs Lockdown birthday, I did to show I was thinking of them and make them smile.. I thought I did? Maybe I am trying to buy a friendship, but you know what when people have dropped things for my DC it's been lovely. I'm confused. Are you sure @RedToothBrush how did you reach this level of enlightenment? I'm intrigued, not being bitchy btw

Its about the expectation.

Someone ive come across equates gift giving with showing love which is fine to a point, but then has an expectation that it should be receiprocated. The act of giving becomes completely entwined with the need for validation and a need to also recieve in equal measure.

She was so caught up with gift giving that it was almost an addiction because she got a high of seeing the reaction others got from it. A bit like a shopping addiction. It was constant. But she also took it extremely personally when she didn't get the same treatment back. Its fair enough when it's for a specific occasion but when its persistent it becomes a pressure to perform its excessive. And its definitely attention seeking.

In one case she was giving expensive gifts to a friends 9 year old who wasnt amazingly appreciative on one occasion . Cos she was 9 and wasn't particularly bothered whether someone had bought earrings from primark or goldsmiths. She got very upset and didn't quite understand why the said 9 year old was ungrateful. The reaction was way over the top and was about her and not the little girl in question.

It was part of a pattern of low self asteem. It took me a while to talk her around about how the girl thought the world of her but was bloody 9.

Randomly giving a gift just because is fair enough as long as there is no expectation of getting something back, its random and not part of a pattern of behaviour which is about seeking validation and its not constant/ott/likely to embarrass/isnt going to make the receiptant feel awkward/involves expectation for something in return at some point.

There has to be a reason or purpose to the gift which isn't about getting a certain response in return.

I have my suspicions that the OP has somewhat fallen into a similar pattern of behaviour where the nice gesture has become a little more than that and isn't just about the person its for, its also about something to do with the need to give.

Its in the expectations of the OP.

Its difficult to explain and put finger on.

The example i know is an extreme case but i know ive fallen foul of the mistake before and know others who have.

Its about knowing you are enough and that you have nothing to prove in sone respects. And being comfortable enough to not be hanging on the phone waiting for a reply (as you might from meeting a guy you really like for the first time).

Its the needy bit of the dynamic. And the OPs posts scream needy to me despite the assertion that they aren't a needy person.

@Freshon

Sorry to be clear, this happened three weeks ago, and the only contact has been in the last week. I didn’t just leave it a week and write people off!

I know I’m being called hard work and probably sounds like it from my OP. But I’m actually not, my friends have never to my knowledge referred to me as a needy friend, it’s been quite the opposite. This time I’ve just decided that actually I want more from people I call my friends rather than me doing the running.

Which is fair enough but your personal circumstances could be very different to that of your friends? I'm up at 6am and the first opportunity I have to chat with anyone is about 9pm but which point I've spent all day on video calls and I'm fit for nothing (as DH can attest to) especially sociable chat which mostly hasn't altered in 9months. What have you been doing? Any plans? Family good? I'd like to be one of those people who's learning a new skill in lockdown, cooking creative things etc but I'm not. I'm drowning at work and have a family to take care of and a dying parent which some friends are aware of and some are not. Incidentally those who don't are my oldest friends but I just don't feel like calling them and making it more real and shitty than it already is. I'm not deleting their contacts because they haven't found the time to call me and make inane chit chat and they're not mind readers. So by all means stop making all the running especially if it's always been the case in hindsight, those relationships are not rewarding. Otherwise, cut them some slack.

@Freshon - Take a look at this thread, the OP has experienced similar to you with her friends, there is lot’s of support on there from people going through the same thing.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4054492-Had-enough-of-making-all-the-effort-and-am-going-to-become-a-hermit

Do you get much social interaction in general OP? It's really hard if you don't get to see other people regularly - you just want to talk to your friends constantly, and meanwhile they (if they have families and work colleagues they see daily) often feel totally peopled out. So I do get it.

Having said that, I spent a long time being the initiator with the majority of my friendships. I treat organising meetups a bit like a regular chore, like housework - not that actually spending time with my friends is a chore, but bothering to arrange things is. I don't mind doing it as it means I get to see them, and I know they enjoy seeing me too, they just maybe aren't as organised or don't have the energy to make the arrangements themselves. I know a couple of people who cut off good friendships years ago because they were always the ones to initiate things or the friends weren't in contact often enough. Now those same people complain that they're lonely and wonder how I'm still in touch with so many mutual friends from our uni days...

If the lack of contact really bothers you, try to find new friends who are more on your wavelength, and if you're still upset you can let the old relationships die out naturally. Ditching your current friends before you've found new ones is only going to make you feel even less socially fulfilled than you do at the moment.