Experimented and turns out nobody gives a shit!

[Freshon]

So this is sort of in jest. Sort of.

Over lockdown I’ve really questioned some of my ‘friendships.’ I think many people have. I’m lucky that I appear to have one who is still very much there for me and two distant friends who are consistently there but at a distance - fine we know where we stand. But basically...

After two people on two consecutive days cancelled on me without even messaging before I had messaged to ask what was going on, I decided to delete all my friend contacts.

I’ve literally heard from two people from my so called ‘friends’ category of contacts in the last week. One being my closest friend and the other being a distant friend with general distant checking in. The rest ive not heard from and usually it would be back and forth a couple of days a week, maybe a phone call. It’s obviously been me driving this and I feel embarrassed. I’ve sent these friends cards over lockdown, even the odd small gift as a cheer up style thing, I’ve messaged to say hope you’re ok and I miss you, now and then. I’m not a needy friend either, Im very aware of boundaries and wouldn’t push for contact from someone unless they responded. But these interactions have only been there because I’ve instigated haven’t they?

I feel shit about it and fed up. Anyone else found this? Just wanted to rant really.

Which is fine, acceptable and they’ve not done anything wrong. But id rather have friends who treat me as I treat them, for the most part at least.

Are you sure about that? Do you really want friends who would unfriend you without saying why and for no known reason just to test your loyalty?

I've had one or two "friends" who have unfriended me over the years on Facebook. I've never tried to find out why, I've just let them go on their flouncy way. If people think silently unfriending someone is a mature way to communicate some kind of discontent or upset they can sod right off for all I care. I'll save my energies for people who are mature enough to actually talk through anything that might be bothering them.

[quote Freshon]@GrandUnion it’s not that I don’t feel people have their own shit going on. I’m definitely aware of that. It’s more that its unlikely that everyone has so much of their own shit going on that they don’t have time to check in. Or I’m not so much as a priority to check.

Which is fine, acceptable and they’ve not done anything wrong. But id rather have friends who treat me as I treat them, for the most part at least.[/quote]
It’s been a week!

What if the other people have done the same, just to “test” your loyalty? You’d both be throwing away perfectly good friendships....?

Oops sorry, just saw it’s been 3. My point still stands though.
I adore my friends, but it’ll often be weeks in between contact. Life gets in the way, especially at the moment. Doesn’t mean I don’t value them (or them me, I hope).

Gosh you’ve had some harsh responses on here! If you enjoy people who you can WhatsApp back and forth a few times a week, and then you realise that it’s you doing the instigating... and then that when you leave it for a bit they don’t instigate things... of course that’s going to hurt. No advice really, though I agree with others that 2020 might be taking a huge toll.

I'm never into the idea of introducing any kind of test for friendships. If your friendships aren't as close or nurturing as you'd like I'd quietly focus on building up some new friendships. It's worth contemplating why you don't attract the type of friendships that you want before doing so though.

If you usually drive things and you've slowed down or stepped back, they might think you are deliberately giving yourself a break. They might just be respecting that.

This is odd.

I didn't feel the need to be in contact with friends on a weekly basis and could conceivably leave it a month between contacts. Doesn't mean I don't care about them or value them

I would always be there to help and support them if they needed me

Just don't feel the need to live in each other's pockets!

Although you talk about being passive and not pushy, you describe sending cards and small gifts to people. Most people don’t do that these days. Contact is text or group messages when not meeting up. Your behaviour is meaningful and others are and will interpret it as needy.

You say yourself you have expectations of what a friend should be. And that model is yourself. Inevitably that means you want cards and gifts. That won’t be unnoticed. And it’s a lot to ask.

So, you tested your friends and they failed. Now you have no friends.

Great test.

You sound massively self centred. I can go for very long periods of time without any contact from friends. That’s okay though I know they’re still my friends. We all have our own lives to prioritise.

At the moment a lot of people don't know what to say, and if you usually message first it doesn't mean that they never want to speak to you, it's possible it's just the direction the friendship has taken, ie you normally initiate conversation; I would be more mindful of whether people reply or not rather than whether they message first. I don't have anything interesting to say at the moment, some of my friends I speak more often to at the moment, others less- but not keeping tabs and don't see it as an indication of the level of friendship.

OP I hear you. I see you getting a hard time and I think it’s unfair.

I did this 11 years ago, so no pandemic situation. I realised I was the only one contacting people so I stopped. I didn’t delete them for years but in that time only one person has stayed in touch. It’s hard to accept you value their friendship more than they do yours. I don’t have any wonderful advice. I’m lonely as fuck. I have social media interaction and normally that suffices because I’d see my family or have a chat with with woman in Asda when paying for my shopping and that in person interaction was enough... but I can’t do that now & social media interactions are winding down as people are sick to death of it (in general)

People who are privileged enough to be sought after friends don’t understand how it feels to be the one constantly chasing friendship and they don’t realise that you ceasing contact just doesn’t happen in one day. You’ll have mulled it over for months to come to the realisation that you’re putting in all the effort. Then you’ll have initiated some contact again just to reassure yourself you were still friends but the niggles remain. Then you’ll have gone a bit longer before finally stopping contact. And stopping contact comes before deleting numbers.

It took me about 6 years to delete their numbers so no I don’t think it’s being hasty. It’s self preservation and removes the temptation to contact them again because you don’t want to feel like the needy friend. I’m sorry OP, I really am but I have no wonderful cure.

Op during this second lockdown although my industry is barred from working I have still had work type things to do behind the scenes.
I have two dc one whom is about to do GCSEs which involves a lot of online virtual visits to colleges etc as well as extra lessons to drop off and pick up for as well as another dc who is in school but getting a lot of home learning stuff and projects as well.

I also have animals to tend to and emails to catch up with and a normal house to run involving the usual.

I also decided to take this opportunity to have a massive clear out so although I'm not working my stepper tell me I'm doing way more now than when I'm at work and that doesn't include the mental side of things.

My bf and I can go weeks without messaging or seeing each other because normal
Life gets in the way.

And yes quite often it's me instigating a walk and a coffee however that doesn't mean she doesn't want to go,it just means she's also busy with life.

If I cut her off after 3 weeks of no contact that would seem ridiculous.

Everyone's feeling it right now and the general mood is flat and somber in most people I know.

Take the pressure off yourself.
Your putting way too much head space into this

I think your behaviour is quite self centred. Sometimes I have a lot of contact with my friends, sometimes it's very little. It depends what's going on in our lives.
Yes, it sounds like you're instigating the contact but are you doing so for yourself or for your friends? It sounds like you're the sort of person who needs/likes a lot of contact but not everyone does. It was only a week!

Sounds like it's not actual friends you're after, but an entourage to dance around you and fan the flames of your narcissism.

People's lives are not all about you, OP. Perhaps they have other things going on

I think all you've proven is that some of your friends aren't good with taking the initiative, but they clearly love spending time with you! I wouldn't write them off, but I would scale back my own efforts to balance things out a bit.

Sorry OP, this year is very difficult, I think a lot of people have so much on and not so much headspace to think about contacting friends. There isn't the usual pull of meet-ups due to lockdowns, and people are adjusting to working from home or working in a different environment due to the distancing rules. That's without looking after children whilst schools were closed or when their bubbles burst.

Hopefully it will get back to normal next year.

I'm often the one initiating contact-I'm Ok with that as I know that I am a lot less busy than they are.

It being an hour before meeting & they didn't cancel until you contacted seems odd.

Had something come up for them?

I recently done similar but mine felt one sided for a long long time. Not just on a whim. Just fed up of it x

It seems like you've used a sledgehammer to crack a nut. I think I probably would 'lose' the two people who messed you about, but try to re add the others? Can you blame a phone change-over (I've had to manually add all contacts before now) or even confess to it? Seems a shame to tar everyone with the same brush.

Not everyone feels the same about friendships as you might, you might value a relationship much more than another person but that doesn't mean they don't like you or care its just that you come lower down on their list of priorities. This is fair enough because if you have family, a job, kids then not all your friends can be No 1 Priorities, there might be times they drop off the radar but it doesn't mean they don't care.

People also have different approches to friendship, some like to socilaise in big groups, or do things togther while others might perfer to have a one to on intimate chat for hours with friends most of the time while some might only do that the odd time with their closest friends. Sometimes you can really like a person but your just not that compatable in your friendship needs and style. I've worked with people, men and women I've really liked but outside of work we like different things, prefer to socialise in different ways and it doesn't always work out.

I think where problems happen is when you are both low on a persons priority list and when you do spend time together its strained of unenjoyable, I think those friendships will often peter our eventually.