Experimented and turns out nobody gives a shit!

[Freshon]

So this is sort of in jest. Sort of.

Over lockdown I’ve really questioned some of my ‘friendships.’ I think many people have. I’m lucky that I appear to have one who is still very much there for me and two distant friends who are consistently there but at a distance - fine we know where we stand. But basically...

After two people on two consecutive days cancelled on me without even messaging before I had messaged to ask what was going on, I decided to delete all my friend contacts.

I’ve literally heard from two people from my so called ‘friends’ category of contacts in the last week. One being my closest friend and the other being a distant friend with general distant checking in. The rest ive not heard from and usually it would be back and forth a couple of days a week, maybe a phone call. It’s obviously been me driving this and I feel embarrassed. I’ve sent these friends cards over lockdown, even the odd small gift as a cheer up style thing, I’ve messaged to say hope you’re ok and I miss you, now and then. I’m not a needy friend either, Im very aware of boundaries and wouldn’t push for contact from someone unless they responded. But these interactions have only been there because I’ve instigated haven’t they?

I feel shit about it and fed up. Anyone else found this? Just wanted to rant really.

@GrandUnion it’s not that I don’t feel people have their own shit going on. I’m definitely aware of that. It’s more that its unlikely that everyone has so much of their own shit going on that they don’t have time to check in. Or I’m not so much as a priority to check.

Which is fine, acceptable and they’ve not done anything wrong. But id rather have friends who treat me as I treat them, for the most part at least.

You sound very hard work OP.
It’s been a hard year for everyone OP, maybe they’re busy or have things going on in their own heads?
Why don’t you message them and just ask? Maybe they’re struggling with their own life’s? But honestly, I would drop the pity party for one.

@GrandUnion no I don't. She is the type who always has a drama going on!
After more than 2 decades of friendship I deserve friends who want to be in touch and who want to know about me and my life. This friend thought nothing of ringing me at 3 in the morning when she needed something but doesn't even give me room to talk in a phone conversation. That's not friendship that's being used. During this period of time I have been broken into assaulted and had a major health scare. All of which she knows about (our parents are close friends) and not a text or call nothing. That's not a friendship.

[quote kennelmaid]@compulsiveliar2019 I don't believe you [/quote]
Why not it is 100% true sadly

Never test friendships when the entire country is under stress. No good comes of it. Everyone is having their own journey this year under stressful circumstances. Sometimes it just fills your head up.

Sorry to be clear, this happened three weeks ago, and the only contact has been in the last week. I didn’t just leave it a week and write people off!

I know I’m being called hard work and probably sounds like it from my OP. But I’m actually not, my friends have never to my knowledge referred to me as a needy friend, it’s been quite the opposite. This time I’ve just decided that actually I want more from people I call my friends rather than me doing the running.

Expecting people to 'check in' on you sounds so entitled. As has been pointed out, people have different needs and rhythms from friendships. Life is also very overwhelming at the moment. It doesn't necessarily mean anything in terms of how they regard you.

But you're just playing games here, so it's possible you've pulled stunts like this before and for that reason people aren't as willing to engage.

@compulsiveliar2019, she’s having a joke about your username.

[quote compulsiveliar2019]@GrandUnion no I don't. She is the type who always has a drama going on!
After more than 2 decades of friendship I deserve friends who want to be in touch and who want to know about me and my life. This friend thought nothing of ringing me at 3 in the morning when she needed something but doesn't even give me room to talk in a phone conversation. That's not friendship that's being used. During this period of time I have been broken into assaulted and had a major health scare. All of which she knows about (our parents are close friends) and not a text or call nothing. That's not a friendship. [/quote]
But then you don't actually like her, or consider her a friend -- you say yourself that you've allowed yourself to be used by her! Why would you want an ongoing relationship with someone who regards you as a service provider when she needs a shoulder to cry on but doesn't appear to see you as a fellow human being?

That you are complaining about not hearing from this person, who frankly doesn't sound at all nice, is pretty mysterious!

You sound exceptionally hard work. You're testing your 'friends'?

Nothing good will come from this.

It's high time society , especially children, learned the difference between real relationships, and being "liked" on FB or texting people you've never met.

@Cheeseboardandmincepies that’s exactly the approach I have taken, not just this year but for many others prior. I’m the queen of just letting stuff go and being reasonable - I can say that with full confidence! But I can still see that this move was rather immature. I get what you’re saying generally.

Oh I don't know OP, the amount of threads on here where its a one sided friendship generally gets the "ditch them" vote.

I actually think your experiment will be the proof you need in the coming weeks, especially if you are the one usually instigating. Those saying people are busy etc. Bullshit, these kind of friendships tend to be one sided, you don't need to chat every day, but I'd say at least just a quick line every couple of weeks is adequate for close friendships.

I don't have many friends but those I do have are my world. One set of 3 live all over UK.... We have a group chat that we bob in and out of to check on each other and we do weekends away....if I had a problem, they are my go to support. If I had done the same as you, these 3 I can guarantee would be the ones messaging after a week or two if I'd gone AWOL.

I think you need to give people the benefit of the doubt here

I'm usually very sociable and I really do value my friends, but frankly at the moment, after this fucking terrible year we have all had, I'm on my knees and mentally exhausted. I just don't have it in me at the moment to deal with other people

I'm not alone, I've had conversations with friends and colleagues who are all saying the same thing. People are in self preservation mode, it doesn't mean that they think any less of their friends, they are just trying to get through the year

Flaking is annoying but it happens

People have their reasons. Part of being a good friend is not getting overly upset or angry about it (if they aren't chronic piss takers/time wasters of course)

I seldom see my closest friends, we are a low maintenance group and it suits us

I can't deal with people who constantly need your time/energy

@GrandUnion the two are not mutually exclusive! You can still like someone who has a tendency to be rather hard work! I also do have a lot of love and time for her children who I have known since babies.
I haven't complained about her not containing me I have just used my experience to agree with the op that sometimes friendships need to go their separate ways and if you are not getting anything from the friendship then perhaps it's time. Stop putting words in my mouth!!!

I decided to delete all my friend contacts.

how are they even supposed to know you have?
Not turning up is just rude and not acceptable, no disagreement there.

I know MN hates social media and FB, but frankly it's the way most of my friends and I stay in touch with each other. When we can, we actually meet, and all my friends and relatives know they have an open invitation to visit whenever (pandemic aside). But with life and knowing we are all busy, we rely on a lot on seeing photos etc.. to keep in touch.
Until we can meet.

So you’re not contacting them but you’re pissed off that they’re not contacting you. You sound high maintenance I’m afraid.

I really value my friends but I must admit I don't often instigate contact or suggest meeting up. It's a confidence thing I think. I'm glad they haven't given up on me (so far)

I’ve literally heard from two people from my so called ‘friends’ category of contacts in the last week.

The last WEEK?!!!

That's nothing! Last six months and you'd have a point. Give them a chance to take their turn naturally FGS!

Yeah I think this may have been a more valid exercise at any other time than 2020. I think
all of the group chats that I enthusiastically embraced at the start of lockdown have dwindled to practically nothing. I’m in a weird place where I’m working from home but can’t really get my shit in order. I assume it’s fatigue that’s not getting resolved which is the cause. I think perhaps cut some people some slack but be mindful going into 2021 of who makes all the effort in your friendships.

I have one friend in my town, but it is London, so they aren't around the corner. I have a couple of very good friends in my home country.

I often wonder what's wrong with me that I don't have more friends, but mostly I am inpatient and can't take shit. Most people have issues, and as soon as I sense the friendship is not balanced and I feel I am there for them more than they are for me I give up.

It makes me wonder though what help I will have should I get ill, need a hospital stay etc. I mean... who brings me my stuff into hospital when I suddenly need to stay there? It's been on my mind for years.

Well if I was one of your friends and I realised I was being "tested" I think I'd probably distance myself even further.
No one needs that sort of manipulation in their life at the moment. Like pps have said, there are enough challenges going on for our attention. I like to think my friends know what they mean to me and we don't have to speak every day to support that notion.

You're being ridiculous and you sound quite high maintenance. I couldn't cope with someone who needed me to 'check in' with them once a week.

This may sound horrible but to be honest, I have a 'friend' who I wish would just leave me alone. I no longer want to be friends with her. She does have her good points however I've seen her really nasty, angry, pushy side and I don't like it. It's awful and very draining when you have to sit and listen to her constant ranting and raging. I really wish to just end the friendship however I can't proactively end it (for a specific reason which I don't feel comfortable going into).

I've been only replying when she sends a message, and even then, I've not been replying to every message she sends, hoping that the friendship will just drift off. However she just doesn't seem to get the hint. She has such negative energy and every time i see a message from her, my heart just sinks.

Could it be a similar situation? That your 'friends' don't actually want to be friends? Or don't want the same intensity of friendship and would be happy with contact once or twice a month?