Experimented and turns out nobody gives a shit!

[Freshon]

So this is sort of in jest. Sort of.

Over lockdown I’ve really questioned some of my ‘friendships.’ I think many people have. I’m lucky that I appear to have one who is still very much there for me and two distant friends who are consistently there but at a distance - fine we know where we stand. But basically...

After two people on two consecutive days cancelled on me without even messaging before I had messaged to ask what was going on, I decided to delete all my friend contacts.

I’ve literally heard from two people from my so called ‘friends’ category of contacts in the last week. One being my closest friend and the other being a distant friend with general distant checking in. The rest ive not heard from and usually it would be back and forth a couple of days a week, maybe a phone call. It’s obviously been me driving this and I feel embarrassed. I’ve sent these friends cards over lockdown, even the odd small gift as a cheer up style thing, I’ve messaged to say hope you’re ok and I miss you, now and then. I’m not a needy friend either, Im very aware of boundaries and wouldn’t push for contact from someone unless they responded. But these interactions have only been there because I’ve instigated haven’t they?

I feel shit about it and fed up. Anyone else found this? Just wanted to rant really.

1 week though? That's not a lot of time tbf

Ok sorry, it's been 3 weeks, still not loads of time imo

@SweetCruciferous yes definitely have felt more sensitive than usual so it could be that. I think it’s just made me take stock a bit about who I give my time to.

I think it is hard when you realise that someone may be your close friend, but you are on the edge of their circle.

I remember visiting a very good friend (holidays together type of good friend) and saw she had this weird photo frame bearing the legend, “The women in my life”. It had eight spots and I was not in it . Perhaps I should have said, “Oi, why aren’t I in there?” but at the time I remember feeling awful and slinking off miserably. Things did drift after that as couldn’t be arsed to make much of an effort.

@CommunistLegoBloc

I think it's really really weird and quite manipulative to do what you've done.

I don't. There were several friends of mine that I'd had for years and one day the penny dropped that it was always me contacting them. Unless they wanted something from me. So I stopped contacting them, and that was that. Haven't heard from them for years, which kind of proves that they weren't worth bothering with after all.

@SandysMam

This year has been massively hard on people in varying ways and to varying extremes. Some people don’t have the mental energy to maintain friendships. I wouldn’t be too hard on people, they might just be focusing on keeping it together at the moment.

Totally this. People manage (or not!) in different ways. I'm a big socialiser but when I'm feeling low I push people away (just realised I do this) but cling to people at the same time. I love my friends and I love people but there are times when I feel so negative and feel no one loves me or thinks of me. I go to Buddhist class and it teaches us that this is very human behaviour. We create an unrealistic picture in our mind about what is going on. Chances are your friends are finding it hard and may even feel terrible about not messaging you. Pride can make it that they don't message you out of fear of rejection etc.You could argue the other way with that, but it's not a logical problem. I think for the most part, that people are struggling and become insular and are trying to battle their own battles. I'd give your friends another chance before cutting them off. Don't assume they don't care.

You've started a competition that they aren't even aware of. You will always lose.

Don't play games and just speak.

I have zero friends because I used to pull shit like you have all the time, then go... yup I was right, they don't care. When in reality people have their own lives. For your own sanity and the sake of actually having friends I suggest you just talk to them or you will decide they don't care and cut them off and have no-one.

I’m not a needy friend either, Im very aware of boundaries and wouldn’t push for contact from someone unless they responded.

The people I consider my best friends I don't need validation from. The relationship stays the same whether its 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years since I've been in touch.

With everything going on, I've not particular found the need to be contacting people regularly cos I've got fuck all to say. Conversations about how I've walked around the same block 3 times this week aren't exactlt riveting.

I'm here if people need me. I'm trying to avoid people because its what we should all be doing at the moment (and tbh, unless there is a particular reason anyone doing the opposite to this, is someone I'm actively avoiding because they are taking additional unnecessary risks). Not because I don't like them, but because it would be irresponsible to add to the problem.

I see your actions and expectations as the very definition of needy tbh.

usually it would be back and forth a couple of days a week

That to me would feel incessant. With cards and gifts on top I would feel smothered.

You don’t have to agree, I’m not saying you are doing anything wrong, my point is that reasonable people can disagree on how much texting feels like too much, and your friends may just be innocently enjoying a break from their phone.

Obviously if they never get in touch again they were shit friends, but a couple of weeks is not long at all.

@Stinkywizzleteets

OP I hear you. I see you getting a hard time and I think it’s unfair.

I did this 11 years ago, so no pandemic situation. I realised I was the only one contacting people so I stopped. I didn’t delete them for years but in that time only one person has stayed in touch. It’s hard to accept you value their friendship more than they do yours. I don’t have any wonderful advice. I’m lonely as fuck. I have social media interaction and normally that suffices because I’d see my family or have a chat with with woman in Asda when paying for my shopping and that in person interaction was enough... but I can’t do that now & social media interactions are winding down as people are sick to death of it (in general)

People who are privileged enough to be sought after friends don’t understand how it feels to be the one constantly chasing friendship and they don’t realise that you ceasing contact just doesn’t happen in one day. You’ll have mulled it over for months to come to the realisation that you’re putting in all the effort. Then you’ll have initiated some contact again just to reassure yourself you were still friends but the niggles remain. Then you’ll have gone a bit longer before finally stopping contact. And stopping contact comes before deleting numbers.

It took me about 6 years to delete their numbers so no I don’t think it’s being hasty. It’s self preservation and removes the temptation to contact them again because you don’t want to feel like the needy friend. I’m sorry OP, I really am but I have no wonderful cure.

Or another way of looking at it would be to consider whether it was better to have friendships you enjoyed, even if you were the one initiating contact, rather than have dumped them all, and now be, as you say yourself 'lonely as fuck'?

There was a thread a couple of days ago about friendships and long discussion about this sort of thing and this is a great example IMHO of the kind of pointless over-reaction which people needlessly blow up into a major issue.

I find it very bizarre that people expect everyone else in their universe to have the exact same approach to communication as they do and throw their toys out of the pram with abandon when people don't respond as they would.

Care and respect are important in a friendship, and people who don't respond at all don't deserve to be kept on as friends indefinitely. But you can't expect people to drop everything in their lives because you are seeking to "test" them like this. You are not their employer. Many of these people no doubt have families and jobs and they simply can't jump through these hoops.

I think we have a real problem with this as a society. We seem to have got to a point where people wilfully misconstrue communication, imagine worst case scenarios all the time based on their friends' inability to keep up with their arbitrary agendas and just fly off the handle about fairly trivial things. I know people's mental health is under stress at the moment but its deeper than this.

My family haven’t even got in touch with me. I was in a bubble with my mum but now she wants to see my brother. We are both very high risk.

Of course you can cut out friends that you feel aren't really friends or who aren't as engaged as you are, but just because someone doesn't message you or think to send spontaneous gifts doesn't mean they aren't good friends. Maybe they're focused on other parts of their life at the moment, or maybe that's simply not their personality. (It's not mine, which is why I don't have friends of this type.)

Again, if you only want friends who put in the same level of effort that you do, that's your right, but be prepared that you likely won't find many who are consistently "engaged". You may also come to a time in your life when you become the friend who appreciates the kind gestures but for whatever reason doesn't reciprocate every time.

The rest ive not heard from and usually it would be back and forth a couple of days a week, maybe a phone call. It’s obviously been me driving this and I feel embarrassed. I’ve sent these friends cards over lockdown, even the odd small gift as a cheer up style thing, I’ve messaged to say hope you’re ok and I miss you, now and then.

OP, are single and living alone, perhaps on furlough?

The reason I ask is that I am fairly sociable and have some friends but to be honest by the time I have interacted with work people all day (even remotely while WFH), and chatted to my husband and son it rarely leave me much headspace to talk to my friends as well. I am in a few group whatsApps which are good for random keeping in touch chat but would not occur to me to call them up just to ask how they were. In normal times we’d meet up now and again for food or a film or event or whatever and chat while doing that.

What I am trying to say is that if you are lacking work and family interaction you possibly need the friend interaction more than they do.

I get your thought processes but I think in life almost all relationships are imbalanced in some way and can only exist if we are all patient and tolerant of differences within one another.
Obviously you don't want such tight parameters of tolerance that you can only be friends with someone who is your mirror image. Neither do you want to be so tolerant that you are wide open to people taking the mickey.
You said "I’d prefer less meeting up and more consideration generally. That’s a friendship to me, not an extravagant lunch every so often." which is perfectly reasonable, we all have preferences.
I personally prefer less in-between contact and more meeting up (not extravagant lunches though ), but I think both of us offer a loyal and caring friendship. Friendship has always been the art of bridging the gap.
Maybe you've decided you want to tighten your boundaries, maybe that's influenced by our weird year. Personally I am spread very thin at the moment and need friends who feel secure in my love even though they don't get frequent contact (I do things to show I care on a schedule I can cope with).
If one of my friends was feeling like you - how would I know? Have you gently communicated a need?

I just think you are in a different place with friendships that I would be.

I don't look for lots of Whatsapping, I don't have time to have multiple ongoing convos all day, I have one with a group and that's it, the rest I'd speak to much less frequently.

I know my friends very well so I know they are all doing their best. So, they wouldn't deliberately be not getting in contact.

I also know which are friends who will reach out, and which really wouldn't even if they needed someone. I don't mind the latter because I accept by being friends with them, I might have to make more contact with them than they would with me, they are often more introvert or just a bit passive in friendships but would be deeply sad to be cut off.

I don't see what you have gained by this whole thing, except probably quite a lot of free time.

I would think you would know if these people were good friends by now, so doing this kind of thing is extremely petty, I would not even respond if someone blocked/deleted me as part of an experiment, but I know none of my friends would do that. If one of us goes quiet for a while, we just accept that people give what they can give at any moment and are happy to reconnect.

I just don't seem to have the same expectations of friends as many on here, if they don't call for six months, fine if they'll then drop everything if I come to their city unexpectedly and be delighted to see me.

I’ve literally heard from two people from my so called ‘friends’ category of contacts in the last week

Really? I don't hear from some friends for months at a time usually. This year we've been in touch more often than usual.

@VintageMemories

Of course you can cut out friends that you feel aren't really friends or who aren't as engaged as you are, but just because someone doesn't message you or think to send spontaneous gifts doesn't mean they aren't good friends. Maybe they're focused on other parts of their life at the moment, or maybe that's simply not their personality. (It's not mine, which is why I don't have friends of this type.)

Again, if you only want friends who put in the same level of effort that you do, that's your right, but be prepared that you likely won't find many who are consistently "engaged". You may also come to a time in your life when you become the friend who appreciates the kind gestures but for whatever reason doesn't reciprocate every time.

Good point. I used to be a sender of cards... I'm not at the moment.

I think there are the types of people who always think about what a relationship gives to them - and it sounds like this is you. You might think it wonderful by that you are always in touch or sending little gifts, but it is clear you are doing this for the reaction or desire to get something in return.

I have a similar friend - she is furious I haven't been in touch & pulled a similar dramatic stunt. As it happens I have just learned that my toddler has a life limiting illness, I also suddenly find myself caring for my severely disabled mother whilst trying to hold down a job that is now looking fragile - and all this has come about over the past few weeks. I am desperate and just do not have the capacity to respond to anyone at the moment, a true friend would have shrugged off the lack of contact or shown a genuine concern about what was going on. But now I find myself going to bed worrying because my friend in punishing me with the silent treatment

The above poster illustrates my point exactly. You don't know what another person is going through. Even of you asked them, they might tell you every thing is ok even when it isn't. I used to be famous for that.

Jeez.

Yes, it was bad that 2 friends cancelled at such short notice. Bad / bad luck, who knows. But I am sorry that happened - very disappointing.

But I am so fragile and down at the moment that even friends 'checking in with me' feels like a burden - pressure to respond. I think lots of people are feeling like this. We are so over the Zoom meetings and the quizzes and Zoom cocktails.... we are worried about our jobs, our children's education, our relationships are under intense strain, Brexit....

There is a fine line between 'checking in' and attention seeking.

And sometimes people burrow down and go incommunicado just because they do.

You do sound a bit of a drama queen and now you've chucked the baby out with the bathwater. There could be good reason for people to be cancelling social engagements - maybe they're isolating.

It depends whether you think friendship is about them being there for you. A pretty narrow definition if you ask me. You sound myopic and reactionary.

Dazedandconfused28

I totally agree. I think this sort of arbitrary "jump through my hoops" thing in friendships is actually controlling and self-serving. Here the OP is expecting others to follow her rules for how the friendship ought to go and then throwing her toys out of the pram when other people have different styles or rules.

This always backfires too. No-one likes to be on the receiving end of this sort of shit. If someone kicked off at me because I'd failed to initiate the optimal number or WhatsApp threads or I hadn't replied fast enough to a text I'd just fuck them off eventually anyway.

A lot of people who have been dealing with low (or high) level anxiety during this pandemic don’t have the time or headspace to constantly reply to friends messages. I’ve had my head down fighting to keep my job and look after my children without the support I used to have. Yes I’ve neglected friendships because of it, but anyone who cuts me out of their life the way you’ve done to your friends wouldn’t be worthy of my time once covid is over.