Experimented and turns out nobody gives a shit!

[Freshon]

So this is sort of in jest. Sort of.

Over lockdown I’ve really questioned some of my ‘friendships.’ I think many people have. I’m lucky that I appear to have one who is still very much there for me and two distant friends who are consistently there but at a distance - fine we know where we stand. But basically...

After two people on two consecutive days cancelled on me without even messaging before I had messaged to ask what was going on, I decided to delete all my friend contacts.

I’ve literally heard from two people from my so called ‘friends’ category of contacts in the last week. One being my closest friend and the other being a distant friend with general distant checking in. The rest ive not heard from and usually it would be back and forth a couple of days a week, maybe a phone call. It’s obviously been me driving this and I feel embarrassed. I’ve sent these friends cards over lockdown, even the odd small gift as a cheer up style thing, I’ve messaged to say hope you’re ok and I miss you, now and then. I’m not a needy friend either, Im very aware of boundaries and wouldn’t push for contact from someone unless they responded. But these interactions have only been there because I’ve instigated haven’t they?

I feel shit about it and fed up. Anyone else found this? Just wanted to rant really.

@thepeopleversuswork I’m not intending to kick off at anyone. Just will no longer initiate contact where it’s one sided.

I was chatting to a friend about this the other day - she and I are the people who keep in touch with every one else and it's been getting us down a little. We have shared and separate friends and we've come to the conclusion that this is just how things work - some people keep in touch better than others. I have tended to pull back a little to see if people would get in touch but there's been very little. I can't see that I would ever delete the lot out of my phone though

My absolute nightmare would be constant Whatsapping and meeting every week.

I do think lots of people have been dealing with their own rubbish lately and it’s easy for things to slip .

I thought the other day that I’d not heard anything from my main group of friends for about a month - often I would instigate contact on our what’s app group - but I haven’t - Ive been busy .. in all fairness though I need to give them the benefit of the doubt if I’ve not been in contact either

I just think you are in a different place with friendships that I would be.

Same. I have a friend who lives up the road from me, I can walk to her house in a few minutes. Sometimes we don’t text/talk for a couple of weeks, but if I had a crisis and needed help, she’d be right there for me.

We’re both busy, she’s even busier than I am with work and family. It doesn’t bother me at all when I don’t hear from her, because she’s still my friend. Several of my friends are like this, we’re middle-aged women with busy lives. Don’t overthink this too much, Op

In the nicest way possible I’d find cards and presents too much. I don’t want to get into buying things for each other. I hate having ongoing text conversations even with people I love spending time with. Try and go with the flow a bit more, at the moment it’s really not a good time to be judging how good friends you are

It was a bit of a dramatic experiment to delete all contacts - you’ve angled yourself to be disappointed.

Most relationships of any sort are never going to be equal in contribution from both sides, there will be a flux, and some people will need you in different times of their lives... if you leave it long enough you’ll recognise some friends who need you more / give you more than others.

With the amount of effort you put into your friendships, remember that they have their own complex lives and distractions. No text or phone call doesn’t mean they have forgotten you exist. Hopefully when the time comes for you to truly need their support, they will come out of the woodwork. No guarantee, but maybe you’ve invested enough to maybe get some good karma.

Maybe now you realise that other people survive on less ‘checking in’ than you, so you could chill out a bit and not have to frantically check in on your friends so frequently. Certainly don’t do it if it feels like a chore or self-imposed obligation.

I don’t think this should be a reason for you to be dejected or embittered. It will be much more telling if you send an SOS and get no replies (but I’m not suggesting that as another experiment! 😳)

Some might think it’s too much, but I believe some of your friends feel lucky to have your contact and attention.

But id rather have friends who treat me as I treat them, for the most part at least.

You want them to delete your number and post on the internet about how they suck?

Enjoying being right, OP. And lonely.

The thing is OP that you want the exact same quality from all your friends, keeping and initiating a certain level of communication, while ignoring all the other qualities one assumes they have.

Some of my friends are good for raising my spirits when I'm down, some will come running of I need any help, some are just a wonderful example of kindness, etc. etc. But not everyone is good at regularly keeping in touch.

It's a pandemic in the darkest November I can remember. I think a lot of people are withdrawing into themselves. I hardly contact anyone. My friends are wonderful, I value them more than anything, but I know they are very busy and very stressed, so am I. I haven't any good news, I'm not going to dump bad on them. I know they will be feeling just the same and since we have 20+ years friendship behind they will still be there, and we can tell each other our survival stories in the spring.

There will be a spring.

This is an interesting thread. It's clear that people differ in their expectations of friendship, even close friendship. I had a phase of being disappointed in my friendship groups and feeling I was doing all the running (this was pre-covid). Looking back on that period in my life I was unhappy for several other reasons and not in a good place generally, so my perspective was a bit skewed and negative, if that makes sense. We all handle stress differently. Some reach out, some get needy, some withdraw or push others away.

OP, I really like the advice given above of spending time and energy on yourself and those in your inner circle. I'd add, it's best to give with no expectation of getting anything in return. E.g. I sent a small present to a friend the other day because I knew she was having a tough time i n lockdown. Didn't expect anything back. She did send me a thank you message- lovely bonus but the main reason I sent the gift was to cheer her up.

PS I'm with you on flaking out without warning though, that's just rude!

@GoJoe2020

But id rather have friends who treat me as I treat them, for the most part at least.

You want them to delete your number and post on the internet about how they suck?

Enjoying being right, OP. And lonely.

@GoJoe2020 You want them to delete your number and post on the internet about how they suck?

Are you and your friends all at the same life stages?

@GoJoe2020

But id rather have friends who treat me as I treat them, for the most part at least.

You want them to delete your number and post on the internet about how they suck?

Enjoying being right, OP. And lonely.

You don't seek friendship you seek validation. All the gifts are about approval and attention seeking. 'Look how much of a good friend i am i gave you a gift'.

It says more about a lack of self worth and a lack of self confidence.

Friends who are being asked (whether they realise it or not) to 'prove' they love you are not being valued for being friends but on how they pass you test and demonstrate they pander to your lack of self confidence.

There's nothing wrong with reevaluating your boundaries and working out which of your friends make more effort with but I'd be was of putting arbitrary classifiers on friendships such as "sending cards and gifts"....sone people just would never consider and place littke value on things like this. I have some close friends that I know would be there for me wjateecr and vice versa but I haven't ever sent them cards or presents "just because" and would be a bit bemused if they did this for me. Yet the moment I had to self isolate they all offered to pick up and deliver food/medicine etc.

Friendship means different things to different people....I think you're probably more likely to spite yourself than anyone else by randomly cutting off everyone who doesn't contact you first or who hasn't sent you a random card. Some of the friends you've dismissed might be going through a lot right now and might not have time for random chit chat every week - yet if you were ever in need they would be there for you.

Separating yourself from friends who take advantage is one (positive) thing....classifying friends based on arbitrary goals you haven't even told them they've been evaluated against is another....

@Freshon sorry you’re feeling shit and let down. It seems to be the ‘thing’ now.

I’ve two close friends; one of whom I supported a lot over the years with work issues and now I’ve got a (serious) work issue, she’s unresponsive to messages, phone calls.. but I know she’s read them.

Other good friend only ever wants to talk about her dire online dating experiences, and how wonderful her new boss thinks she is. Despite knowing how awful my work situation is. Last I saw her she did not ask a single question about me!

Whilst the method was extreme, the underlying point is valid. Taking a bit of time to evaluate friendships and not feel obliged to politely keep giving when that other person only ever takes (with the understanding that there is an ebb and flow to these relationships) is surely very healthy. Keep the radiators close and be a little wary of the drains.

@RedToothBrush hmm that’s an interesting post. Maybe my gift giving and cards etc is more about me than them. I hadn’t considered that but now I think of it it could well be true.

I guess you can say that about all acts of kindness though, or most?

Something to think about though! Thank you

@Thestateofplay thanks. That’s partly it, one of these friends I have literally spent hours and hours on the phone to in the last year, supporting her and being there for her. She’s not messaged me once in the last 2.5 weeks, since this new lockdown. Just made me think!

A week?

2.5 weeks? That's not much better to be honest.

@thevassal agree. I’m not expecting cards or gifts, just referencing the fact that I’ve put time into the friendships and been there to show i care. As @RedToothBrush says though, this could be more me and my confidence.

Freshon I used to do it. I know others who do it now.

Honestly if you have a healthy level of self worth you don't feel the need to get your friends to 'prove' they are friends.

You already know...

I also think there is an element of trying to prove to yourself that you are right about being hard done by and that your friends don't care about you.

@RedToothBrush

Not sure that’s about self worth so much as genuinely having solid friendships. You can have healthy self-esteem and realise that a friendship isn’t what you thought.