Experimented and turns out nobody gives a shit!

[Freshon]

So this is sort of in jest. Sort of.

Over lockdown I’ve really questioned some of my ‘friendships.’ I think many people have. I’m lucky that I appear to have one who is still very much there for me and two distant friends who are consistently there but at a distance - fine we know where we stand. But basically...

After two people on two consecutive days cancelled on me without even messaging before I had messaged to ask what was going on, I decided to delete all my friend contacts.

I’ve literally heard from two people from my so called ‘friends’ category of contacts in the last week. One being my closest friend and the other being a distant friend with general distant checking in. The rest ive not heard from and usually it would be back and forth a couple of days a week, maybe a phone call. It’s obviously been me driving this and I feel embarrassed. I’ve sent these friends cards over lockdown, even the odd small gift as a cheer up style thing, I’ve messaged to say hope you’re ok and I miss you, now and then. I’m not a needy friend either, Im very aware of boundaries and wouldn’t push for contact from someone unless they responded. But these interactions have only been there because I’ve instigated haven’t they?

I feel shit about it and fed up. Anyone else found this? Just wanted to rant really.

A week isn’t really a lot of time?
I have no close friends - literally not one person beyond by husband I could count on in a crisis or I would call... but I still feel like waiting a week isn’t really a long time at all. Even though there’s a lockdown people have busy lives.

@lottiegarbanzo please read whole thread! It’s been 3 weeks.

I hear what people are saying. If I was typically needy and pestering people or relying on a certain level of contact then I would be inclined to agree. I couldn’t be more different really...if people go awol I check in quietly and passively, I’m not in people’s faces, I respect their need to sometimes be alone etc etc. I’m really not at all needy so this isn’t some ‘stunt’ I’ve pulled that is typical of me. I just find it interesting and sad to have confirmed to me that actually, if I don’t bother to get in contact, only two people have thought to do so!

For those who haven’t read the thread... it’s been 3 weeks not 1!

People get into habits. If the habit is that you get in touch regularly or 'first' and that works, then they'll think that all is well. You are in touch, you talk. It works for you both. It won't have occurred to them it's a problem. They probably take the lead with other people.

Or maybe they'd naturally leave things a little longer and be satisfied with that but are happy to respond to your more frequent desire for contact.

The people flaking on you is poor form but it isn't a conspiracy.

well, 3 weeks is no time at all either

Bit weird if it's your own husband or partner, but not being in touch for 3 weeks is normal? People are busy and have a life!

@AwaAnBileYerHeid I didn’t think that was the case as when we meet up they seem to enjoy it and will often come to me rather than vice versa, which can be up to an hour drive. But maybe they saw the friendships as was just nice to have while it was easy and aren’t arsed about being in touch. To me, that’s not a friendship. I get that it may well be to others. I’d prefer less meeting up and more consideration generally. That’s a friendship to me, not an extravagant lunch every so often.

What was it they cancelled though?

You sound like a very controlling, self-obsessed "friend".

I think a lot of friendships depend on one of the two being the one keeping in touch. This is more about the dynamics of the situation than the level of affection.

Anyone doing such a weird friend test thing is definitely a needy friend and does not have the boundaries they say they do.

I always think that if you’ve got one really good friend in life, then you’re doing pretty well !

I have very dear friends I speak to intermittently. Quite honestly I’m working full time, a solo-parent to a toddler and unable to see my family so staying in touch with them when I can. If I knew a friend really needed me I’d be there like a shot, but I wouldn’t do daily text messaging to anyone beyond the family WhatsApp or a partner.
What you did is bizarre and doesn’t consider that your friends might just not want daily chit chat or have time for it.

@PaperTowels thank you for your insight 😂 maybe i’ll give up being a friend for new year, put everyone out of their misery!

@Freshon

For those who haven’t read the thread... it’s been 3 weeks not 1!

That's an incredibly short period of time to view as evidence of someone being uncommitted to friendship. I haven't actually spoken to one of my closest friends in the world since before the first lockdown. We've probably exchanged five or six emails in that period. Yet I value the friendship, which has lasted over 20 years, and I know she values mine.

Thing is they might have done the same thing... anyway, I think you’ve grasped this was a little extreme.

There’s another thread on friendships atm and it’s clear that some on MN have ridiculously high expectations of friendship, take umbrage against anyone who doesn’t agree and cuts them out of their lives. Consequently, many people here seem to not have any friends.

The other thing is that the current situation has made many people more inward looking and their worlds smaller.

The usual pattern of 'must do this, arrange that, get in touch with so and so' has evaporated and with it the energy that keeps that all going.

I think there are many different types of friendship and they all have their value. You seem to have very specific, rather demanding standards, about what is necessary and good enough for you. Fine if that's what you really want (and will continue to want) but I feel you might be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I've got / had friends who always started the conversation / WhatsApp chat / set dates for nights out.

It's the habit we've got into of them initiating contact.

It's no reflection on how much I give a damn about them.

Just either say something, kindly, or accept that's the roles you've taken on and that's ok.

(If you're my friend, please know that I still love ya & would miss you dreadfully if you cut me off!)

I think this is a classic case of the tone of a thread being set by the first couple of posters and a load of sheeple piling in to say the same thing more or less. There have been a few similar threads recently where the OP has been much more supported by posters agreeing her friends are being crap and advising her to get better ones.

I don't really have a strong opinion as to whether yabu or yanbu, OP, but I don't think a bit of a winnow of friendships that have waned is a bad thing once in a while. If you think some of your friendships are regularly draining rather than sustaining you, you don't need our permission to let them fall by the wayside.

But id rather have friends who treat me as I treat them, for the most part at least.

It’s fair enough to decide that you only want to be friends with people who have the same level of texting/social interaction as you.

It’s not fair enough to strop that your existing friends, who don’t have that same level of need for social interaction, are “bad friends”, or to be pissed off with them.

If you don’t want to be friends with them that’s up to you, but it is you who is changing the goalposts here. They are obviously happier with fewer texts. Maybe they assume you’ve gone quiet because you are busy, maybe they are relieved to get a break from the incessant texting, who knows? Says nothing about how much they like you.

During the stress and pressure of lockdown and work, I personally went very insular. Stopped communicating with friends. If I thought that one of my friends was going to cut me loose due to this, then I would see it as a relief.

True friends stay together, through absence. You sound pretty demanding. Maybe, they need you to reach out to them as they are struggling?

Maybe they are busy?

I get you op. I did similar when I came off social media a few years ago in that I decided to see which friends still maintained contact and which disappeared. I still got in touch now and again but those who made no effort to instigate contact in the next year did not get transferred as contacts the next time I updated my phone. It's life. People move on and I know those I have in my contacts now want to be there.

OP a lot of people have been feeling down, anxious, overwhelmed or some combination of the above this year. Could it be that you’re feeling particularly sensitive at the moment and overthinking/catastrophising (‘none of these people are friends at all!’)?

I know for myself I’ve been worrying a lot and have got really down at times about things I normally wouldn’t. It’s good to take a clear-sighted look at things without all of the usual things we distract ourselves with, however it’s also very easy to lose perspective at the mo.

Sending – go easy on yourself

Also if you have deleted their numbers, how are you going to know when they do get in touch? Just going to send a load of “who dis?” texts?

@Changechangychange yes maybe but I’ve never incessantly text my friends. I’ve only interacted as they have done, following my instigation which is generally passive and not demanding a response.