Fuckkkkkkkk, I told DD the naughty kids get the headteacher awards and then she went and told the other kids 😬

[Allwhiteeverythin]

School run is going to be fun today ffs

DD came out of school last Friday upset the same kid had the award for the 3rd time this term. She’s had it once since reception. I lost my temper a bit and just said “oh did they just give it to the naughty kids to make them feel better you already know how to behave” .

Which she then repeated to the other kids at school yesterday . Teacher told me after school and said she hadn’t realised this kid had had it 3 times (naughtiest kid in the class obvs).

They’re going to go home and tell their parents aren’t they?

I think it's hard to see the other side unless you have a child like 'Johnny'. My son has always been the 'naughty' one who would be given awards by the teachers when he'd had a good week and everyone knew why he got them; other kids would call him naughty which made him very upset. Sometimes there is SEN involved (my son has been diagnosed with ADHD and currently investigated for autism); sometimes difficulties at home.

BUT before he started displaying these issues, I remember being quite judgy about badly behaved kids and probably would have felt similar to the OP. Walk a mile in my shoes...teaching your child kindness and tolerance of other kids' difficulties is really important.

My experience of Star of The Week at DS Junior school this year is:
The Golden child won it the first week, nobody minded , nice child and nice family.
My friend's DD , very bright, capable and just gets on with it won it a few weeks later, her mother said they'd run out of children in her class to give it to ( but not go the child's face. She's an ex teacher and knows how it goes and that her child gets overlooked usually)
My son got it last week because we'd had a horrible, upsetting experience outside of school and he had just gone to school, got on with it and coped. It was written as "showing resilience and continued effort" on his certificate. He asked me later if he had been given the award because they felt sorry for him.

I know from personal experience that they do do this - but it's more to help get the kids going through a tough time back on track e.g. unusally nasty family breakdown, abuse by a family member, trauma etc. They don't just give prizes to jerks, there is likely a very sad back story to this child being incentivised and effectively "retrained" in behaviour.

I think these awards do more harm than good. Dd gets loads of them. She is bright, confident and helpful. She likes receiving the, but doesn't really need the extra validation.
DS is always overlooked. He is quieter, and was extremely anxious when younger. An occasional award would have really boosted his confidence, but they were never forthcoming. I remember one year a little girl got an award and over the previous couple of weeks she had kneed ds in the balls, spat in his face and ripped up his art work. It's really hard to explain that logic to your overlooked child.
The thing is, I don't actually begrudge her the award, if it helps her - she was clearly an unhappy child. But I do have a problem with the quieter children constantly being overlooked, as that is damaging to their self esteem. Unless these awards are very carefully managed and fairly distributed (which seems to be the case in some schools) I think they should be scrapped.

@5zeds

Yup I’m absolutely “shitting myself” that school are trying to help my child. Tell you what, let’s have your child blue lighted to hospital countless times, you sit up terrified that this time they won’t come back, you fill them with medicine that makes them struggle with a billion things they could do before, you watch them struggle to speak in class, you have that life because you know what? We’d love to be the one no one notices. Thanks for this. You’ve successfully moved the warm feeling I get from my award covered fridge that made me feel school was SO kind to another thing to have to not cry about. Well done.

There will be exceptions to every rule. You will know yourself if your kid is the naughty one or if the awards are deserved. If parents evening reveals lots of behavioural issues but they have lots of awards then you know they are using them as incentives rather than the child earning them. But if your child has positive reports at parents evening then it makes more sense that they would have earned the awards properly.

I think you're saying your child's medication affects their abilities in school? If that's the case then the teachers will presumably be aware of this and the awards will be for achieving things despite such challenges. If the child struggles through medical issues to complete their work then I think most parents would consider a star award a legitimate prize and one that is well earned in that circumstance.

People are taking issue with obviously naughty children being rewarded, which doesn't apply to your situation from what you've described.

Meh, at risk of getting drawn into WWIII, this trend is annoying enough that I don't blame you.

@5zeds

One persons “over personalising” is another’s honest sharing of experience. Sorry if it made you uncomfortable. We exist and aren’t particularly unique, but do crack on imagining everyone is exactly like you.

What a strange reaction, where are you getting that I think everyone is like me?

You don't seriously think anyone isn't aware of different circumstances do you?

This is a relatively light hearted thread that has obviously hit a nerve with you but whilst I clearly don't know what's in any other posters mind I'd bet money that no one thinks that the OP is complaining about children with serious physical or mental health issues or SEN being rewarded for doing their best at school.

@Caroncarona

to add to the pinboard full of certificates they already have is a whole different ball game.

Apart from the fact that middle of the road children don't have these things. They're largely ignored. But don't let that get in the way of a good story.

I think you missed the point. I was talking about the validation of their achievements that many children get from outside school which supports their confidence and wellbeing . If “middle of the road” children are “largely ignored” and don’t do stuff outside school which leads to certificates and other awards then that is down to their parents, not their teachers.

@Allwhiteeverythin

School run is going to be fun today ffs

DD came out of school last Friday upset the same kid had the award for the 3rd time this term. She’s had it once since reception. I lost my temper a bit and just said “oh did they just give it to the naughty kids to make them feel better you already know how to behave” .

Which she then repeated to the other kids at school yesterday . Teacher told me after school and said she hadn’t realised this kid had had it 3 times (naughtiest kid in the class obvs).

They’re going to go home and tell their parents aren’t they?

How do you know she told all the other kids? So your kid tells all the other kids and they were stupid enough to let the teacher know? The teacher wasn't aware the same kid have the award three times? I hope your kid is better at making up stories than you. 😂😂😂😂😜

Kids aren’t stupid. They all know why these awards are given out. I wouldn’t worry about it OP.

I just tell mine to make sure they do the best they can and if they do that then there’s no more to be done. Whilst of course it’s nice to get positive feedback from your teacher, they are responsible for the whole class and it’s their job to get the best out of everyone. Awards are simply tools to facilitate the process. I think it’s ok to be straight with your kids about this kind of thing, but to also add that some kids really need the boost of an award and it’s about their personal improvement, not a measure of them against their peers.

How do so many know who the “quiet” ones are in class? Who are the ones that struggle to make themselves be seen etc?

I know my own child but I know squat all about others.

So how do you know the “quiet ones” who are not your children are overlooked?

And I am guessing that most teachers with a little bit of experience and skill are capable of recognising a “quiet” child that warrants credit.

By being pissed about fact that naughty or more vocal children age getting awards at the expense of quieter ones, you really are doubting your teacher’s skill and insight.

I trust my children’s teachers. So if they weee to give the aware to the same child 20 weeks In a row... my stance would be “there’s a reason for that and the teacher is exercising her professional judgment”

@Allwhiteeverythin

Oh ffs. Why do people come on these threads and talk about their child who is usually the exception to the rule. Clearly I’m talking about neurotypical standard naughty kids. Not autistic kids. Not kids with medical issues. Not kids from alcoholic broken homes. Just fucking Jonny who’s mother meekly asks him 10 times to “please not splash everyone with the puddle darling” and then does jack shit when he carries on doing it. Jonny who thinks it’s hilarious to swing his bag around and hit everyone in the line with it but Mummy just asks him to stand nicely in her sweet little voice. Yes these kids do need discipline they need their parents to be adults not their friends.

Anyhoo, school run was fine. If DD gets star of the week I shall display it proudly and post all over Facebook

Think mix up came from having 2 teachers and a few supply because of Covid

This!!!

They’re 5

Erm, also DDs best mate has autism. She’s a really well behaved kid, DD understands why she is allowed to get up and walk around when they aren’t. She understands that she gets to leave the room and sit in the quiet area if she needs to. I had a parent knock on my door a few weeks into the new term as eldest DD (year 11) had told a loaf of kids on the bus to lay off the year 7 who was being picked on and let him sit with the year 11s at the back of the bus. I’m not raising the next generation of Nazis here or anything

In your view of yourself as ‘seasoned parent’ telling it like it is, you have lost empathy and you are showing your child a poor way to behave.

DC need to believe in the teachers and not imagine themselves two steps cleverer.

@Allwhiteeverythin

Oh ffs. Why do people come on these threads and talk about their child who is usually the exception to the rule. Clearly I’m talking about neurotypical standard naughty kids. Not autistic kids. Not kids with medical issues. Not kids from alcoholic broken homes. Just fucking Jonny who’s mother meekly asks him 10 times to “please not splash everyone with the puddle darling” and then does jack shit when he carries on doing it. Jonny who thinks it’s hilarious to swing his bag around and hit everyone in the line with it but Mummy just asks him to stand nicely in her sweet little voice. Yes these kids do need discipline they need their parents to be adults not their friends.

Anyhoo, school run was fine. If DD gets star of the week I shall display it proudly and post all over Facebook

Think mix up came from having 2 teachers and a few supply because of Covid

Yes but your thread is about the teacher giving awards and presumably they are a bit more objective and stronger in their discipline that jonny’s mother?

If they are being handed out to improve behaviour, if it's a good school you will be more than aware of this before parents evening/school reports.

Meh, it’s true OP, you’ve just helped your child realise it’s not her fault she’s not “achieving” when she couldn’t even if she was getting 100% in every lesson because of other disparities.

The ultimate reward seems to be having a child with additional support requirements sitting next to you because you are “a good influence” “not easily distracted” “deepening learning through teamwork” which is code for being an informal TA.

If this is your child and it’s worrying them, speak to your class teacher, children shouldn’t be directly responsible for the development of their peers.

@Jroseforever, teachers have them for 6/7 hrs a day. I don’t expect them to overcome ineffectual parenting in that time

The ultimate reward seems to be having a child with additional support requirements sitting next to you because you are “a good influence” “not easily distracted” “deepening learning through teamwork” which is code for being an informal TA

Yes yet again its assuming that behaving is coming easy to that child. No thought that actually its taking all they have and actually they cant and shouldn't have to take responsibility for someone else's behaviour too

[quote Allwhiteeverythin]@Jroseforever, teachers have them for 6/7 hrs a day. I don’t expect them to overcome ineffectual parenting in that time[/quote]
Where did I even imply that?

My point is - Jonny’s mother may well be weak and ineffective.

But surely you can see a decent teacher wouldn’t molly coddle Jonny and give him an award just because he’s Jonny?

I think you missed the point. I was talking about the validation of their achievements that many children get from outside school which supports their confidence and wellbeing . If “middle of the road” children are “largely ignored” and don’t do stuff outside school which leads to certificates and other awards then that is down to their parents, not their teachers.

How is that fair?

Naughty kids get rewards from the teachers because their parents arent outside of school (how do you know they aren't? Seen many that are rewarded after school as well with a quick trip to the sweet shop, constant supply of toys and tech).

Others who behave it's all down to the parents to reward.

Surely it's this type of thinking that creates bad behaviour?
What is the point doing anything good if all you get is afat nothing.

Hit, spit, punch, vandalise here's your reward.

Yes, my son's reward for good behaviour was that he got placed next to the most challenging boy in class, who would regularly rip up DS's work. DS would get upset but never angry, as he was very understanding of this boy's special needs and challenges...at age 5

The boy in question would often get gold stars, but DS did not

Can't remember me or DS getting too worked up about it, because honestly, the kids understand perfectly how it works and what's what ;)

After two terms I told the teacher that DS had done his "duty" and that now this boy could may be seated next to someone else

But it shouldn't all have to be a big drama. They key to your DD for not caring about the gold stars is by you not caring too much about them

To be fair OP, a lot of children (even primary school age) 'clock' this themselves. It doesn't take a genius to work it out! I think it is often the averagely achieving children (who could quite legitimately be encouraged to up their game) who are overlooked.

There's so many people projecting on this thread! Maybe, just maybe this kid does not know how to behave with no extenuating circumstances, believe it or not it does happen in the real world even if it doesn't on Mumsnet!

I see it from both sides.

There's a challenging child in my daughters class and he seems to get star of the week very often just because he isn't playing up as much as usual. No learning or behavioural difficulties, he is just a really handful a day quite cheeky.

Using star of the week awards in this way means kids who are trying really hard and doing more than is expected get overlooked.

Teachers should make a note of who gets these awards and ensure it goes around the class at least once. There are enough school weeks in a year and numerous reasons/types of awards for praise for everyone to be recognised.

On the other hand, my son is autistic and can be tricky to deal with at times. He has been given awards like star of week because his behaviour has been good and he has tried his hardest despite his struggles. It means the world to him, and for me it's lovely to see him happy and proud of himself. I would be very unhappy to hear him being referred to as naughty and his award being dismissed as just given to make him behave well.