Can I just invite you to have a laugh at my exh? You'll like this.

[WankPuffins]

Received a text this morning telling me that he's going for "full custody" of Ds as I've flouted lockdown rules for the second time that he knows of by having a visitors in the house.

He's contacting a solicitor this afternoon.

I.cannot.Stop.Laughing.

My Ds is 18 next week

Oh god, he's such a twat. I really, really hope he does speak to a solicitor this afternoon about custody of someone who will be an adult in ten days time. I'd love to be a fly on the wall for that.

I've had thirteen years of this shit since we separated. He's never let up.

(For those interested, in April he was on the phone to Ds. Ds came to ask me something and he had to wait a second while I finished my conversation. His father heard another woman's voice in the room and reported me to the police for having someone in the house. That woman was my independent midwife over for my 28 week check and blood tests).

This time, he was talking to Ds online, the door went and I shouted to Ds to get it as I was changing the baby. He told his dad he just had to open the door for someone. He went mental again, hence the text. Oh and no one came in this time, it was FIL dropping off a some pain meds for Dh, all socially distanced, he dropped them at the door and said hi to ds from the end of the drive. No rules broken either time).

OP, you are amazing, you really are, and your DS is so lucky to have you. But honestly, it’s time to block your ex. He wants the drama. He wants to upset you, he wants you and your DH to be arguing. There is NO negotiating with crazy. You can only feed crazy - that’s what he wants, he wants to entangle you, no matter how batshit his arguments or ‘reasoning’ is. He wants that power and control, he will never ever let you go while you still engage with him.

Put a stop to it. You win by disengaging. By ignoring. By living your best life with nothing to do with him. I know you want to do right by your son, but your ex won’t allow that - it’ll always always be a drama. Let DS communicate with your ex. Support your DS in the background, but stop feeding the monster. It’s the best thing for both your DS and for you. X

@HigherFurtherFasterBaby What an ex-mil to have. Good for her.

Op, as the child of parents who tore each other to pieces when they split (and still can't be in the same room 30 years later) you've done a marvellous job. But it is time to step back and stop facilitating this prick.

Your son is 18 near enough. You've done right by him. He now gets to choose whether seeing his father is worth the effort. If he doesn't answer his calls/emails that is because he doesn't want to. He's seeing his father for the abusive fuckwit he is. As an adult he gets to choose not to engage.

Learning that we can leave relationships (even with our parents) that are toxic is far less damaging than being obligated to maintain them as 'the right thing to do' or whatever. He needs those healthy boundaries to thrive in the world. If the relationship between them fails, that's not on you. That's on the angry twat that never prioritised the wellbeing of your son.

God this thread is exactly what my Sis went through with her ex who she threw out after he had an affair. They have 5 kids.He has probably done all the things mentioned! After 16 years of shit she finally got him to court( not in UK). The judge was female and sat stony faced through it all then leaned forward and said"Mr G. You clearly think you are above the law. Let me tell you you are not.."
She then absolutely shredded him and ordered him to pay a fucking massive backlog of money within 48 hours! Oh, how we laughed. Sis said she would even have forfeited the money just to hear someone say those words to him!

Holy shit, he is so fucked up. I can understand you not wanting your dh to rip him one, it would surely come back on your ds or even worse. I know it's awful to say this but I hope your ds tells him where to go. All of you deserve so much better. We should have a glass the night your ds turns 18.

Higher your ex mil sounds amazing! Fair fucks to her

I think your ex is fuming because he was going to carry on through DS attending uni, that would be his excuse to berate you and play at doting parent doing drop off and insisting he went somewhere as prestigious as possible.

Please block everywhere and ignore. I had absolutely zero to do with the paperwork etc of my eldest going to uni, she was turning 20 when she went and she had lived with her Dad so all the student finance stuff to do. Obviously I bought her stuff she needed and waved her off in her car but I honestly can't remember when I last saw or spoke to my ex! His wife drove up with some stuff when she was 17/18 and stayed for a couple of hours (we live far apart) because ex couldn't for some reason.

I feel so sad for all the DC who have to suffer an abusive parent. My parents split when I was small, my mum did her best to facilitate a good relationship between me and my father but he wasn't a good man which I realised around 8 yrs old and I haven't seen him in over 20 years.

On a kind of similar vein, my mother wasn't great either and after yet another row and beating I left home to live with my boyfriend who was a bit older and had a nice place. She called the police, reported me missing, said I had been kidnapped, it was her who had full custody and "not her boyfriend". I was bloody 18 and she knew full well where I was and why

OP there is no need for you to communicate with your ex about DS’s uni. I have no idea if things have changed since I went (if they have, someone correct me if I’m wrong) but as your EXH pays no money towards your DS and does not financially support him in any way, his salary shouldn’t be taken into account when applying for student funding. My F never paid any maintenance and so when filling in my student funding form I declared that he did not financially support me in any way, and so only my DM’s financial situation was taken into account.

Did he mention in all of that what you were supposed to have done wrong?

This time it's mainly about facilitating contact. When we split, I moved Ds 200 miles away to be where I am from and near my family. As I said upthread we had no arrangements in place through court, I had nothing to do with the divorce I just signed something.

He said that if I let him keep the house, the assets etc that he would let me leave with Ds without question. As long as I met him half way to drop off when he saw Ds.

So now I've told him that he can speak to Ds about seeing him, it's driven him nuts.

And again people, He's 18 in a few days!! I don't need to facilitate contact between two adults.

And your DS doesn't have to see him if he doesn't want to

OP, you are free now. You have zero reason to have anything to do with him. However, he seems unusually fixated and potentially dangerous. You have the safety of yourself and a small baby to prioritise now.

I would very seriously consider having a solicitor send a letter to him informing him that your son is 18 and there is no longer any reason excuse for ex to contact you on any matter whatsoever and and that all further contact will be considered harassment and reported to the police. And mean it. Have zero further communication from your side and do absoutely no facilitation of contact. Your son is 18 - he can see his father if he wants, though he likely won't want to and wouldn't that be rational and sensible, given the circumstances?

I would start by making a report to the police about the threats he's made. It can be added to with the solicitors letter and all subsequent unwanted contact and eventually a non molestation order. Your power here will be attained through your total silence and disengagement which will serve to demonstrate that the contact is unwanted and unreciprocated.

OP, some of these men let go at the child's majority, some don't. This limpet is going to need to be dislodged by force. Let the police handle him from here on out.

I know that you want to keep up communication for future family events such as a wedding but a) a wedding is just one day in the far distant future and your DS may not even get married and b) no matter how much you try now your ExH will still be a total shit even on your DS's wedding day so save yourself the effort.

I wonder whether it would be a good idea to have this thread deleted, OP (print a copy!) and start a new one on just the contact issue?

Higher, you MIL sounds brilliant. Good on her.

At this point, I'd just block the turd. There's really nothing more to be said, is there? And I agree with you that your DH ripping him a new one isn't going to do a damn thing.

As far as your DS, I'd just matter of factly let him know that NO ONE has to take abuse from anyone, even a parent. That he has the right to have as little or as much contact with his dad as he feels comfortable with. But that perhaps right now a 'few days off' as far as communication may be helpful for both of them.

Wow your ex really is awful. I would honestly block him now. You don’t need this rubbish in your life. I don’t think it will benefit your son who may well not actually want to see his Dad anymore. What is he getting out of the relationship?

They're so full of shit sometimes. My friend has one going for full custody too. Of the kids he hasn't even spoken to for a year and a half. His choice. Kids are youngish and barely know him. The first she heard of him was when he called to ask for the eldest child's date of birth. 😂 this will go well.

He's going for full custody of an adult?! He sounds special

@nevertrustaherdofcows

I wonder whether it would be a good idea to have this thread deleted, OP (print a copy!) and start a new one on just the contact issue?

I don't understand why? In a few days there will be absolutely no contact issue at all.

Please just block him. The ship has sailed in terms of staying civil for future weddings or whatever. You don’t need that shit in your life.

ExDH went to New York on business but didn’t get the jeans that his child had asked for ‘because there were no clothes shops’ 😳😂😂

Well, you will be pleased to know I have blocked him.

Another message yesterday saying that as he has never had Ds for Christmas Day (a combination of Ds wanting to stay with me and then my middle Dd when she arrived and his dad having other plans), that this year he will be having him, and if I refuse, he will take steps to get a court order to have him over the whole Christmas period.

I'm banging my head against the table as I type this.

Me: "Ds, would you like to spend Christmas dad with dad this year"
Ds: "no way, it's more fun here"

I messaged him back saying:

You have to stop this unreasonable behaviour. No one on earth will give you a court order to make an 18 year old spend Christmas with you. He can do what he likes. He could decide to spend it with neither of us and have Christmas Day with his friends if he likes. It's not up to us where he spends it. I'm really going to have to ask you not to communicate with me anymore. Ds is more than capable of arranging dates with you. Due to covid and restricted train timetables, I will still continue to give him a lift half way for now but I will give him a list of dates that I'm available to do this so he can arrange with you. Of course I will let you know of any emergencies or medical problems immediately* but from now on, Ds will be taking responsibility for everything else."

*I put that in as that's always been a problem. When Ds broke his collar bone as a child I called him as soon as the school called to ask me to pick him up to let him know I was running to grab him and take him to A&E. He didn't believe me and phoned them to check timelines. He still didn't believe them so drove 3 hours here the next day and demanded to see the head as he thought the school were in collaboration with me to somehow dupe him He demanded that they should let him know first of any accidents, which as he lives three hours drive away, they obviously said was ridiculous.

Anyway, no reply and I blocked his number this morning.

Oh shit! Just realised I missed a trick. When he didn't reply I should have started with the "?" Texts! God dammit.

I did slightly regret the part where I said "I'll let him know the dates I'm available to give him a lift halfway" as he would say that was me restricting access and saying when he could and couldn't see him.

But then I gave myself a shake and reminded my self that by next weekend he'll be a bloody adult and is more than welcome to do the train journey there anytime he likes.

Congratulations @WankPuffins
I'm hoping to hear that he self combust now!

I am also hoping for some self combustion!