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To be mortified by this

252 replies

mortifiedmam · 28/10/2020 18:36

Dd has free school meals. She's off school (half term has finished here) because she was in contact with a teacher who has tested positive but because she sits at the back of the classroom she was more than 2m away so doesn't have to self isolate but they are being taught by zoom lessons as precaution.

We have just had a letter through the door with a voucher to cover the cost of her lunches for the week. I am so embarrassed that the school felt it necessary to come and hand deliver it to us. At least they didn't knock on the door!

OP posts:
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 28/10/2020 20:39

Mortifiedmam
I get it. An element of the point of FSM is that school dinners arent actually provided that cheaply. Often about £3 a meal because you are paying profit to a private provider, equipment costs and labour of someone else cooking & serving.

For a lot of parents, there's a big difference between appreciating not getting a bill for £65 every month per child for school dinners, and someone implying you can't put food on the table at home (which may only cost you £1 a meal, or less if you are thrifty and eat quite a lot of veggie meals).

hamstersarse · 28/10/2020 20:45

I understand this op

I’ve been on the breadline as a SP but always just wanted to sort it out myself. I was also slightly put off by the glee that some people displayed in trying to help. It felt pitying. That sounds ungrateful but I personally don’t like being made to feel dependent on others for basic life stuff

TrickyD · 28/10/2020 20:46

@Audreyseyebrows

Op, don’t you know that you should be on your knees thanking people rather than showing emotion?

Ignore the idiots on here.

Exactly, Audreyseyebrows. Some posters sound like Victorian Lady Bountifuls expecting a curtsy and a humble thank you.

Ignore the horrible posters, OP.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Notcrackersyet · 28/10/2020 20:56

It’s lovely. Yes - maybe it evokes feelings of embarrassment that they did this for you and your family. But honestly isn’t it nice to know that the system kicked in a little for a change.

SecretDancer · 28/10/2020 20:58

Well said @AnneTwackie

I'm aghast at some responses on here and I can only reason that those posters haven't experienced the stigma with FSM, even in 2020

OP, please don't feel ashamed Flowers if it helps you feel better, and you're able to, perhaps use a portion of the voucher for a couple of things for the food bank trolley.

VividImagination · 28/10/2020 21:08

We get free school meals. Ds3 has just had two weeks holidays and was isolating the two weeks before that. I wouldn’t have minded a voucher or two.

Nameandgamechange123 · 28/10/2020 21:13

I think a lot of people here are over reacting. There are many people who qualify for free school meals that arnt in desperate need for extra funding in the holidays. If you were not expecting or really in need then yes, I can see how some might feel like there is stigma attached.

jessstan1 · 28/10/2020 21:14

I can understand how the op is embarrassed. I doubt she can put the reason into words and shouldn't have to. It doesn't mean she isn't glad to have the vouchers.

AestheticWitch · 28/10/2020 21:17

Here's an embarrassing story about FSM. Primary School, on a Monday teacher collects school lunch money. I'm automatically ticked off as I'm FSM. My whole family is, five of us.

Except today it is the Headteacher, who is a bully. He calls my name and I sit there, not knowing what to do as he must see I'm on the list as FSM. I'm also very shy and terrified of the Head. He calls my name again and I still sit rooted as I have no money to hand over.

He then screams at me to come to the desk. I go up and he grabs me by the tie and pulls me up, so I'm on my toes and screams at me why didn't I go up when he called my name. I manage to whisper out because I'm free school meals. He lets me go and snarls 'Yes, the whole school know the Witch Family, with their free school meals'.

TeamLucille · 28/10/2020 21:17

Exactly, Audreyseyebrows. Some posters sound like Victorian Lady Bountifuls expecting a curtsy and a humble thank you.

or maybe if you read the thread, you would understand that people are asking why it's deemed mortifying to get something in the privacy of your own home, but not in a public place like school...

mortifiedmam · 28/10/2020 21:18

@TeamLucille

Exactly, Audreyseyebrows. Some posters sound like Victorian Lady Bountifuls expecting a curtsy and a humble thank you.

or maybe if you read the thread, you would understand that people are asking why it's deemed mortifying to get something in the privacy of your own home, but not in a public place like school...

And if you read the thread you would know why because I explained several pages ago.
OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 28/10/2020 21:19

I do understand feeling embarrassment, OP, but I think the school did the right thing, even if it was awkward for you.

For every family that could manage at home, there will be families that can't. Think of it a bit like child benefit (or at least CB how it used to be) - you get it regardless, which means the ones who need it don't have to ask. They will have had a list and followed it, which would have been the least awkward and the most administratively simple way of doing it.

My DS is now 18, but I remember very fondly his primary school, where most children were on FSM. This, as weird as it sounds, meant that there was no stigma at all. Eg if they went on a school trip, everyone had to bring a packed lunch, apart from the FSM children - but because most were FSM, the paper lunchbags being handed out weren't at all stigmatising. (I used to be a parent helper, and they'd give me a paper lunchbag, too!)

Anyway, the voucher is yours, it was meant for you. If your DC had been at school, that's what they would have got. Embarrassing or not, you are entitled to it, so do use it and don't worry.

Nobeautysleep · 28/10/2020 21:20

I am a teacher and I understand why you would feel embarrassed. As a child I had FSM and my mum always said it made her feel like she couldn’t do her job properly. I can 100% that she was the best mum.
But I can guarantee no one at your child’s school is judging you. It would have just been standard procedure, schools have to give that back to you if students are isolating. There are so many qualifying criteria for FSM that in most schools around where I live it’s nearly 50% plus of the students who get them. Ignore the people telling you to be grateful etc and don’t feel guilty, but do know it’s not a personal/judgement thing from the school.

Livelovebehappy · 28/10/2020 21:21

There’s a little bit of that going on with local business’s offering free meals to children during the holidays. Some aren’t getting anyone popping in to claim the free meal, and are coming to the realisation that people are embarrassed to be seen walking into these places as they find it a bit demeaning. Obviously op is grateful but that doesn’t mean she can’t feel embarrassed too.

ArcheryAnnie · 28/10/2020 21:22

@AestheticWitch

Here's an embarrassing story about FSM. Primary School, on a Monday teacher collects school lunch money. I'm automatically ticked off as I'm FSM. My whole family is, five of us.

Except today it is the Headteacher, who is a bully. He calls my name and I sit there, not knowing what to do as he must see I'm on the list as FSM. I'm also very shy and terrified of the Head. He calls my name again and I still sit rooted as I have no money to hand over.

He then screams at me to come to the desk. I go up and he grabs me by the tie and pulls me up, so I'm on my toes and screams at me why didn't I go up when he called my name. I manage to whisper out because I'm free school meals. He lets me go and snarls 'Yes, the whole school know the Witch Family, with their free school meals'.

Bloody hell, AestheticWitch, was his name Mr Brocklehurst? I hope that some day he got his comeuppance. What an arsehole.

(I have endless memories of, eg, being asked every PE session for the whole of my secondary school career where was my official gym kit, instead of the generic tshirt I had been bought by my mum, which was vaguely the same colour and a fraction of the cost. Five years of that...)

Mishmased · 28/10/2020 21:38

OP don't feel bad, no one is judging you❤️

Now my kids school is in an area that used to be classed as disadvantaged some 30-40 years ago. The school is classed as a 'Tier 2' so they get a range of sandwiches/pasta/wraps, two pieces of fruit, chocolate or yoghurt rice cake, water etc. Area around the school is so expensive that houses cost ~ 400k-600k on average. Due to its close proximity to the hospital and universities you have a lot of doctors, nurses, lecturers, various academics, high tech people sending their kids there. And EVERYONE gets free school meals. The school encourages you to get the meals. Initially we didn't as my son has allergies, the teacher called me aside to ask why he's not having it and told me to contact the catering company and they do cater for allergies. During lockdown school sent an email to everyone saying if you need lunches get in touch. There is absolutely no shame in fsm at our school as I never have to make school lunches and I have two kids.
Please don't feel mortified at all ThanksThanks

CanICelebrate · 28/10/2020 21:41

I think it’s pretty clear from @mortifiedmam updates that by embarrassed she actually means humbled/ overwhelmed that school cared so much.

It’s pretty horrendous that posters are still piling on with snarky comments to OP when they haven’t even bothered to read her posts.

Flowers @mortifiedmam

notdawn · 28/10/2020 21:43

I would imagine there is a stigma to FSM - I get it.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 28/10/2020 21:46

I do get it. But you have to understand you are not alone, lots of children have FSM it just feels like it is you to you.

I had a parent sobbing because her and her partner had just split up and she told me no one else's parents are separated and her DD must feel so alone. I explained that there were several children in class with separated parents and it isn't something shameful, children don't deliberately hide they just don't announce it. So they will say I am getting a new bed so I can stay over at my Dad's tomorrow.

Children are helped in all manner of ways in schools without it being broadcast to others. It can be being collected from home and brought in by staff members, breakfasts handed out to children we know aren't getting them at home, a winter coat, some gloves, given a responsibility like taking something up to the office to make them feel special as they were picked to be the sensible one.

Spend the vouchers.

AestheticWitch · 28/10/2020 21:52

@Archeryannie Maybe he modeled himself on him! It was the 70s so that kind of behaviour was quite usual!

I do remember seeing him at a school fair after I had left and pointedly ignoring him and him saying 'Aren't you going to say hello to your old headmaster' and I just truthfully answered 'No'.

OP, I think it is great the school has done this but I get where you are coming from.

Whatwouldscullydo · 28/10/2020 21:55

If you are so privileged that you can’t understand how it would feel to be glad receive fsm yet feel your pride slightly dented then you need to try harder. The OP is here explaining it to you and you can bet the majority of people who recieve fsm feel the same but aren’t saying it

I hope they don't.

The vouchers were fucked up over lock down. A couple of my friends were waiting weeks for what they were owed. There was no minimum standard set for home learning meaning many kids were denied any kind of meaningful learning over the weeks everyone was off. Many children who should have been im school ( weren't sone SN meant to stay open ? Didn't get to go .

Being given what you are entitled to , when you were entitled to it should not be something to be surprised or even humbled abou and definitely not embarrassed either.

Its a really sorry state of affairs if expectations have been shifted to such a low point that this , something that should reasonably be expected, is the cause of confusion or embarasnent.

The wrong people are being made to feel in the wrong here.

Let's hope that when you see what public money gets spent on, the pictured of the politicians asleep in meetings, and the fact that local businesses have had to step in where feeding kids was voted against.. that people stop worrying about taking the help.

You are raising children. The toughest most full on job ever, unpaid and often unsupported, and with chikd maintenance systems set up to allow the resident parent to receive basically nothing if the father is crafty enough, you have earned every penny of what you receive. And more.

copperoliver · 28/10/2020 21:58

They are giving them to everyone who gets free school meals. X

Clymene · 28/10/2020 22:01

I think one of the hardest things about being a single parent is asking for help or taking it when it's offered. But we all need to lean on other people at times and it's a good thing that (for the time-being at least!), we live somewhere where children won't go hungry - well at least during term time.

One less thing for you to worry about Smile

mathanxiety · 28/10/2020 22:08

You shouldn't be embarrassed.

The whole of society should be embarrassed that the sixth largest economy in the world cannot assure a living wage to all its population.

The whole of society should be embarrassed that a culture exists in which a woman is ashamed that her child is receiving free school meals.

mathanxiety · 28/10/2020 22:10

@Whatwouldscullydo, great post.