SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

That's financial abuse and a shit excuse for a marriage if he thinks he can restrict you to £50 a week to live on as described. Keep the winnings and pay of som of the CC. Then sort out this sick excuse for a husband

The fact that you're asking on here instead of just talking to him about it implies the problem is more than just "oh the poor man doesn't realise how much things cost".

£200 a month? No that isn't enough to live on. This tight arse is earning 110k you should be getting about 2k a month. Not £200.
Does his arse squeak when he walks?

1. Keep the winnings

1. That's not a very "fair" arrangement. He's an arse to have more spends than you.

1. Me and my DH have a very similar (but different!!) set up. DH is SAHD. I'm a high earner. All my earnings go into joint current account or savings which we both have free access to. We EACH get £200 in our own accounts per month for personal spends, covering most of the things you mention - except days out for kids/family which comes out of joint. I buy my clothes, haircuts, make up out of that £200 - I wouldn't dream of splashing out on designer gear.

Also if either of us individually wants something (e.g. for house or garden - I buy STUFF for kitchen, DH buys plants and stuff for garden which doesn't interest me) we'd tend to discuss it and buy from shared.

When DH wanted to spend a lot on his hobby (fixer-upper car) - and didn't have it in his "own" pot we discussed and paid it out of shared. It all evens out in the end.

So it IS enough for personal spends IMO, but only if you aren't being treated unfairly with regards to family money and going short when your DH isnt. There is another way.

Agreed this is financial abuse.

1. Please do not have another child whilst this is unresolved.
2. Keep the winnings to yourself
3. Gather evidence if you can of his earnings and pension contributions and cost of his stuff
4. Keep a to the penny record of what you are spending on to use in a discussion to demonstrate the cost of your glasses etc and kids shoes which are so expensive
5. In that discussion ask for access to joint account via a card for household ie garden and DC stuff
6. Work on financial side of your own remember if you return to paid work childcare is a household expense not just yours

He’s a miserly fucking abuser and you and your poor kids (literally poor) would be well rid of him.

He is financially abusive.

He's not frugal. He's financially abusive. He has no respect for you or your role as a SAHM.

@CorianderLord

No, my tube costs are around £150 a month in normal times. Also children's costs shouldn't come under an allowance they should be taken from the joint account. As should DIy and garden things.

£200 a month for make up, clothes, hair, coffee with pals, dinner out seems reasonable to me, but not the additional things.

£1,200 a year is nothing.

You realise he is giving you less than 2% of his annual income? It could be argued that he is financially abusing you.

This!! There was a similar post recently by a lady who's husband earned £50k a year but she had holes in her shoes and couldn't afford a coat from the charity shop. It's financial abuse, especially given that he seems quite happy to spend the money on himself.

Why can you not have this conversation with your husband? You know very well that this is financial abuse.

I’ve lived on that and less but when dh and I were both not earning much. I remember the constant stress, not being able to afford a haircut for years, worrying about bills, putting new glasses on the credit card and never being able to pay it off, that perpetual totting up of costs in our heads and that precarious balancing act all the time, not being able to afford a coffee out with friends, staying home with a toddler when I had no busfare.

Now I earn like the OP’s husband and the first thing I did with my first paycheque (apart from setting up donations to charity!) was to ensure that as a family we don’t have that kind of stress. We paid off all our debts and I pay enough into the joint account so that we can have equal amounts of spending money. We talk about our budgets and expenses and we tackle it together. It doesn’t matter that I have earned the money, just like it didn’t matter when I was on SMP and he was bringing in the money. We cut our cloth and we share fairly. I cannot fathom the idea of DH wearing painful shoes or running up credit cards debt for his glasses prescription while I splash out on fancy clothes and a luxury lifestyle for myself. I would never behave like that, I couldn’t.

@Feelingpoorlysick

He earns 110k a year and sends you 200 a month? He's a knob.

This. in spades. financial abuse.

I can never understand why some women put themselves in such situations. Earn your own money and stop being dependent on another adult. Yes, you can put all your money in one pot but when one part of the partnership doesn’t put anything in fed pot (financial pot) it’s bound to create an imbalance and make one half of the partnership have more power b

I would say I personally don't spend £200 on things for myself most months (and I work and earn very well), and costs like taking your dc out somewhere should come from the joint account.

But that's not the point, he is financially abusing you, which you well know.

He earns £110k and gives you £200 a month?! That's digusting! What a dick!

Erm divorce him

This is awful

What I would do:

Start paying for anything to do with the children or house from the joint account

Start using the joint account for almost everything

Try and find a job so you can use the income for some nice clothes, haircut for you

Don't tell him about the £300, pay into credit card

Every time you go to the supermarket, get £30 in cashback and immediately take to the postoffice and pay into your credit card until you have paid off the remaining £600. I know someone who is being financially abused by a very wealthy (dodgy, criminal) husband who drives around in a Lamborgini or a Ferrari (he has both, plus multiple other cars Range Rover etc) and she has to do the cashback trick to save up enough money for haircuts and christmas presents. You are not far from this situation.

Deceitful yes but imo he has bought that on himself. Do you reaIise how much you're saving him in childcare/cleaner/gardener costs?Hopefully when you start using the joint account more and get a job (leaving the children with him) he might realize how out of order he is being.

Nobody in 2020 should be getting housekeeping money imo or an allowance from their spouse. It's 2020 not 1950. I do however think that being a SAHP play into the hands of people like this - they justify it to themselves by saying well she doesn't earn or contribute anything financially (conveniently forgetting about the cost savings of having you at home with the kids) so it is fair enough for me to control the money I go out and earn, especially if that's quite stressful. In your shoes I'd be tempted to get any kind of job, even something inconvenient like bar work or evening shifts at the supermarket - just so he can feel the pain of you being out of the house an dsee how desperate you are for more financil independence. IME men that earn 100K and drive nice cars and are financially controlling are very concerned with their wealthy image and having a wife working in retail or a pub doesn't fit with that so you may find he suddenly becomes more generous.

I am a SAHM. I do not receive an allowance. I spend as I please, with an eye to the overall incomings and outgoings and general budget. DH earns plenty but spends little on himself. He would be horrified if he thought I was depriving myself. He encourages me to spend more. We both work hard. I take care of our home and children and all the domestic admin. It occupies my time fully! He goes out to work (and presumably enjoys pleasant coffee breaks with adults and solo walks into town for his lunch!). The money his employer gives him is entirely owned by both of us. Otherwise, who is paying me?

SAHM need to remember that if they didn’t do what they do, their partners would need to hire nannies and housekeepers. And pay them!

Your DH sounds mean. How did you end up married to him? Was he always like this or did it just evolve over time? Can’t you talk to him? Is it a cultural thing?

He is paying you less than an au-pair!! Do you know that? Au-pairs earn approx £100 a week. Double what you receive. A teenager who does the school-run and plays with the children for a bit after school. No housework involved. That’s how little he values your contribution to your family.

I don't understand how these situations arise. Talk to him FGS.

And no, I couldn't live on £200 a month to cover all those things. And frankly, only £900 on the credit card over 2 years - well done you! That in itself is incredibly restrained.

There is something very wrong in your marriage if you would be better off divorced. And that is your situation. If you have 2 DC and they stayed with him 2 nights a week, you would still get more than £200 a week on maintenance. Let that sink in. Your situation is very strange. Why do you have debt when you have a DH earning over £100k? You must see that is trange.

Whether £200 a month is sufficient isn’t the real issue here. It’s the underlying controlling behaviour using money that is. Look at the websites suggested and definitely the freedom programme. Marriage should be a partnership. Even if he grew up with a frugal relationship with money it’s certainly changed for him now.

I think it’s harsh to declare it financial abuse when the op hasn’t even attempted a discussion regarding this. I do agree that £200 isn’t enough but maybe your husband hadn’t thought through all you need to pay for. You need to have this discussion, sharing the costs of all the things you put in your original post. I was a sahm for many years and we had the same situation where my husband transferred money for my spends. I preferred this as it gave me an element of independence as I felt I could manage and spend my own money how I wanted. It has to be enough though and should cover all your treats if your husband is equally able to afford them. If he can’t see this once you’ve had the discussion, I agree to the financial abuse concern

He earns £110k

And gives you £200 a month

What a cunt. I just couldn't be emotionally attracted to someone who treated me so badly. How does the relationship work? What the fuck do you see in him?

If you let him you would be better off financially.

And emotionally.

And he would be shocked at the price of paying for what you do.

He's a dick.

Not your fault.

But for the sake of yourself and your children create your own life.