SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

As people have said it’s not exactly about the amount but I earned more than this from my Saturday job in 2001 when I was 16 and I couldn’t make it last. On his salary you should be getting far more.

How on earth have you ended up in a situation with £200 a month when he earns £110K?? My husband earns that and we both have EQUAL amounts of spending money. All our money is joint.
He’s either an arsehole or you haven’t discussed this properly

SAHM need to remember that if they didn’t do what they do, their partners would need to hire nannies and housekeepers. And pay them

Or they could do what millions of other families do and pay for childcare and do their housework after work

If DH didn’t work and tried to charge me for looking after his own child and home I’d be expecting it all back plus more for his share of everything financial I was having to pick up the costs alone as he didn’t work.

Until I saw the part about how much he earns and the car he drives, I would have said that it depends on what's affordable as to whether£200 pm is reasonable, but it's clearly not on your household income plus the fact that some has to go on essentials like travel and joint costs like taking DC out.

How was this amount agreed? Can you ask for it to be increased, substantially? Or get your credit card paid off in full every month from the joint account and use that for as much spending as possible?

However if he doesn't agree to that, it's likely to be financial abuse.

Pay off your CC, debt spirals so easily and will add to the stress.

You should really have a conversation with your DH about finances because they clearly aren't working for you. And it'd be valuable to do so before you get a job as it's unlikely you'll be anywhere near his income, so make sure expectations are clear.

a) it's not enough
b) stuff for children / garden / house should come out of the joint pot, not your money
c) you should have equal "fun money" - obviously this is miles off, since he has designer clothes etc.

We have a joint account, which both our salaries go into, and we both have access to for joint expenses, then each have a personal account, where we get a standing order of "pocket money" (more than £200!) paid into every month for our individual stuff (clothes, hobbies, drinks with friends, presents, non-work travel etc).

Not sure from your OP how many children you have together but even if it’s just one DC he’d have to pay you over £200 a week in child maintenance based on his earnings and he’s giving you less than that a month...

I know you said you didnt want the sahm debate but this is so important for those who are considering it. unless you and your partner are both fully on board, there is no resentment at the stay at home parent and you both understand/agree on expenses/allowances you run the risk of being seriously financially abused. that is what is happening here btw. I couldn't live like it.

as soon as any local jobs come up again I would be putting myself out there asap.

it's disgusting that he is such a high earner but house/child costs come out of your 200 pound a month.

I think you know this is very wrong. The question is, what are you going to do about it?
It concerns me that he would be unhappy for you to keep your winnings and that you are considering not telling him. ie that he would think you were being lavish and indulgent.

That he would drive off in his 42 grand car in his designer clothes and be unhappy with you for building up a credit card debt to buy essential things.

What would happen if you started using the joint account for child-related expenses?

What's your mortgage op?

On the face of it that Is way too little. My 12 year old gets £25 a month plus money for doing jobs and all of her clothing / toiletries / bus fare / activities bought for her.

Don't tell him about the £300 - go and buy yourself some new clothes but so tell him about the CC debt - his reaction to that will be telling.

Have you got a car of your own?

Having said all that, we have a larger household income but once school fees, extortionate mortgage, holidays (assume he pays for those) cars and supermarket are paid for there isn't a great deal left over - I prob spend £300 a month on the things you mention - but there is flex.

You need a job op.

£200 a month for me to buy clothes, haircuts etc yes. When I was a SAHM we both got less than that.

But everything to do with DC and vaguely to do with the house would come from the joint account.

If DH didn’t work and tried to charge me for looking after his own child and home I’d be expecting it all back plus more for his share of everything financial I was having to pick up the costs alone as he didn’t work.

There's something very wrong with you.

You need to speak to him about this, and explain how it makes you feel.
I suspect he may also be the sort of person who, if you mentioned friends being shocked at how little money you manage on, might wake up to how unfair the arrangement is.
This is not how marriage needs to be.
He needs to also consider the value of you being at home to deal with everything- I don’t mean in monetary terms, I mean in terms of three practical, convenience side of things.

Wtf? Are you his live in maid/nanny?? 200 a month ‘allowance’ is bollocks if he’s on 110k a year. You are a partnership and imo there shouldn’t even be an ‘allowance’ for you, it should be shared money. This man clearly gets some form of kick over the power he has over you. If he can buy flashy cars and clothes but watch you struggle in a £5 t shirt then there’s something seriously wrong. Either tell him you need more money and if he can help pay off your credit debt or contact women’s aid and LTB, this is financial abuse and if he doesn’t welcome your suggestion of more money and help for your debt then he is even worse. Please wake up to how he is treating you.

You need equal amounts of money for those things. He should give you exactly the same as he spends on himself. If he can't afford to do that, then he is spending too much on himself and needs to cut back to balance out.

And no, unless you were on a really low income as a family that's not enough. £200 per week, maybe.

What a horrible way to live.

He'd be paying you a lot more in maintenance if you were divorced.

You're MARRIED. His money is your money. No, £200 is not enough. And why on earth do you have to pay for the DC clothes out of that? They are also his DC, youre not solely responding for them. Same with "your" family and friends - he married you so they're now also his family.

IMO this is bordering on domestic abuse - he's using money to control you.
He's a dick. I'd start gathering evidence for a court case - I couldn't live with someone like that.

The tightwad is financially abusing you. Why do you let him treat you with so little love and basic respect. Tell him that your cc debt needs to be paid off from the joint account asap and that all child and household costs will be covered from the joint account and you should be getting more pm for your needs, especially for correct footwear and travel costs. Op, don't let yourself be valued so little, this is not right.

Also you are expected to pay for diy items for the home out of it which makes it even worse...that should come out of family money. It could wipe out your measly £50 a week budget. I bought a tin of paint yesterday and it was £26...

I guess someone as tight as your husband will have given no thought to your pension, which you should be building up while you’re at home through NI credits. You get them automatically if you claim Child Benefit.

If you’re not claiming Child Benefit start now. His income means that you won’t get to keep the money, but you can put in a claim anyway just so your NI builds up. Every year of NI credits currently gives you an extra £5 a week in retirement.

This is terrible. I was a SAHM for 8 years and now work 3 days a week part time. My DH got me a card for his current account and made it a joint account. I paid for everything out of his account, including hair appointments, days out with the DCs etc. He knows I was doing a job that we would have to pay someone else to do and didn’t see it as his money or my money but our money and he earns way less than your DH. Now I’m working part time, he still pays all the bills, mortgage etc but I use the money I earn for clothes, hair appointment etc. I think you need to have a conversation with him and tell him it’s not enough and to have access to his account as he earns a huge amount so it isn’t that he can’t afford it and surely it’s the family money, not his money.

If this is real, I would sit him down and tell him £200 is not anywhere near enough to cover everything on that list and that because of his meanness you have ended up in debt. If he doesn't agree to pay more, I would use the £300 for a solicitor's appointment to explore my divorce options.

It does sound like financial abuse.
When you go out together, does he notice that he is smartly dressed in designer clothes while you are in charity shop clothes? Surely family and friends would notice the disparity. He should be embarrassed that he is earning that money and his wife looks like she is living in poverty.

Wow that is so mean! I think you need to get a job and then contribute e.g if he earns double he pays more - at least that way you’ll have more income for yourself.

£ 200 is not enough! What about child benefit ? Where does that go ?

Also, while your at it ask him to pay for your driving lessons and wee run around ( unless there is a medical reason you don’t drive) because that will open up many doors and help with your mobility issues.

He should be able to spare you at least £500 a month, if not more!
I'd say £200 a week is more reasonable to cover everything you've described.

Probably could but with a husband earning that much why the fuck should you?
He’s an arse