SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

If it was me, I'd start shaming him to people we knew. Dropping into conversations with his family and mutual friends about how you can't afford a new coat or shoes or how you've had to buy second hand things for the dc and how you can't afford bus fares.

Your set up sounds like slavery.

This

This is horrible. You don’t get fun money, you get pennies to clothe and provide for your dc. He doesn’t give you 200 a month, he barely provides his children with enough to manage on and gives you nothing. Just about all of this should be joint account. And if he buys expensive suits but you have to shop at charity shops it’s abuse. I’m afraid you need to look for a job, and make him share childcare. It’s not a good idea to be a sahm when your partner thinks that makes it ok to treat you like dirt.

If your H earns so much I’d say he’s being controlling with the family money. Presumably he wants you to be a SAHM? Does he only get £200 per month for himself? Where does the rest of the money go?

Sit down with him and get him to show you exactly where all the money is!

110k and you get £200 a month- seriously OP can you not do basic maths??? why the hell do you settle for struggling with such a high FAMILY income

Have you asked for more money?

Have you pointed out you need decent shoes, decent clothes and money to treat his children?

Speak to your husband and agree a more balanced approach to money.

He is financially abusing you.

There is a big difference in what we both earn. Everything is discussed together, both have the same amount of fun money, equal access and oversight of savings.

Winnings like you describe would be for the winner to decide what to do with. Neither would begrudge the other keeping it.

For a start you could claim child benefit and make him pay it back through his tax. Definitely do not tell about the £300. I also agree that you need to stop covering for him. Tell people you can't afford to do things.

Ask a friend of his his to borrow some money to buy the children some shoes or a coat. What an absolute fucker. You can't claim anything as he earns too much. Does he not get that the idea behind this is that he shares it with you.

That's nothing at all to live off OP. I have more set aside just for lunches and coffees each month during mat leave. He's doing you a huge disservice by being so very mean with money and you need to address what sounds like at best a very selfish man and unfair arrangement and at worst financial abuse.

You need to discuss with him as many of the things on your list are what I would consider joint household expenses so should come out of the income account. The £200 a month should be yours for personal expenses as I assume on a salary of £110k your DH is allowing himself more than £200 a month 'fun money'.

Joint

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far)

-Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work

Personal

• Clothing and shoes
• haircuts

-Skincare / make up -Any other personal items -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive)

• misc

Why doesn't DH drive to these? Does he not visit or take you to visit your family?

• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)

Oh and on the glasses, Asda opticians do set price for frames and glasses regardless of whether the lenses are single vision or varifocal, you can get a nice pair of varifocals for about £59.

Wow people are so fast to lay it on your husband.

Has anyone considered he might just be a bit out of the loop. Maybe he has no idea how much things cost and thinks £200 is plenty.

For what it's worth I agree it isn't anywhere near enough but have you told him that?

If not that's your first step op. We can all sit and bash him all morning long and give you a wonderful moral pedestal but until he says "no" he's not done anything wrong.

Put Mumsnet down and go and have a chat to your husband.

OP, based on some v. Basic number crunching, 110k p/year is 2,115k p/week. Say 40 hours working week, that's £52 an hour. He's giving you 1 hour of his wage a week.
I'm not answering if I could survive on £200 a week. That isn't the issue. The issue is that you can't for what you need to spend to keep your head above water.
You need to have a serious conversation with him on how much you need, or potentially look into a job of some form to try and try and get some financial independence. I know current economy isn't ideal for looking for work however.

Anything for the house or DC certainly should be coming from the 'house' funds (i. e. His share of the wage and not your personal allowance)

Financial abuse, he is spending the money on everything he wants you are shopping in charity shops???!!

No op this is not okay!!!

He is either conveniently oblivious to the real costs of your life, or he is being abusive. There is only one way to find out, print out your projected expenditure and wait for him to significantly increase the money he gives you, if he doesn't you have your answer.

Don't allow him to minimise your costs by questioning the need for them either, there is precious little 'need' in designer cars and clothes!!!

And of course you keep the winnings, it is yours!

OP without sounding rude, is this a joke?
The proportion of your ‘allowance’ in comparison to his earning is extortionate (from an outsiders view)

It doesn’t matter wether £200 is ‘enough’ but more the whole picture, which looks awful and quite frankly financially abusive.
(Coming from a SAHM that’s not given an allowance!)

This is financial abuse, Op. End of.

I’d go back to work ASAP and certainly wouldn’t be adding any more children to the situation. Did you not discuss this before the first child let alone the second? Did he actually want you to not work or was it not his decision?

I disagree it’s abuse. He covers all the bills and you have money for non essentials. That’s a lot more than many have currently. Plus you have the luxury of not having to work for a good period of time.

I do wonder how adults can make the commitment of marriage and seemingly not be able to talk to each other about important things.

In your shoes I’d tell him about the £300. I’d also tell him that I was putting it towards my credit card bill and that having sat down and looked at my finances I needed an extra £300 a month.

That’s my constructive advice. My opinion is that he’s being incredibly unfair to only ‘give’ you £200 a month. I don’t know why you are tolerating that, building up personal debt and living a very different lifestyle to your husband.

Has anyone considered he might just be a bit out of the loop. Maybe he has no idea how much things cost and thinks £200 is plenty.

How can someone not know how much things cost? If he buys himself expensive and designer clothes, if anything he ought to be overestimating how much is needed? Does he never buy a coffee, pay his own mobile phone bill, buy a train ticket etc...?

Has anyone considered he might just be a bit out of the loop. Maybe he has no idea how much things cost and thinks £200 is plenty

@IfYouHaveToAsk did you miss the part where the OP’s husband just spent 40 grand on a new car and wears designer clothes?!

I’m a SAHM. Everything on your list comes out of our joint account. Dh earns half of what yours does and comes from a frugal background. He’s taking the piss, sorry.

No. A tank of fuel to last the week is £46-53.

There's a massive inequality in your relationship. I hope that having some conversations with your dh will help.

Someone commented maybe he doesn't know how much things cost... Surely someone who buys designer great and 45k cars knows 200 goes nowhere.

To be honest this sounds financially abusive.

A lot of folk don't have £50 a month pocket money. Most folk I know get a job if they need extra money.