SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

@Livingnearthesea have you managed to have a chat with your husband yet?

I am a SAHM (part time student, youngest is 1). The idea of being given an ‘allowance’ makes me feel a bit ill although I understand it happens - my husband and I take the same amount of ‘mad money’ out from the joint account to spend/save as we like, but any other stuff comes out the joint account, especially if it has to do with the kids or travelling or the house.
Aside from the ick factor of being given an allotted amount of money per month, £200 is crazy given his earnings and the fact he clearly doesn’t budget himself the same. It very much sounds like he doesn’t want you to have any real access - no savings, no safety net. What would you do if he disappeared tomorrow?? It’s so scary.
There’s loads of good advice her on how to get away but honestly, please look after yourself. This isn’t right at all.

I just feel sorry for you really OP. He is treating you as an au-pair - an underpaid one at that. Do you know Mumsnetters pay au-pairs up to £100 a week including board and lodging? And the au-pair only has to work 25 hours a week, with no cleaning? Your husband is giving you £50 a week pocket money and getting a full-time nanny-housekeeper.

There’s a lack of love in these situations. If you love someone, you want them to have everything they need if you can make it happen. You want them to share in your good fortune.

I would feel so trapped in your life. I think you need a job ASAP, the best-paying job you can find. After that I’d be thinking of a new DH...

I find this extraordinary in this day and age. Any income should be family income! You should BOTH decide and be involved in what is spent and financial decisions. Does your DH ask you when he spends the family money? Does he ask permission?

It sounds like you are being treated as a child Op, but you should be equal adults!
I personally would be having a sit down discussion about how finances are arranged, which accounts are paid into and Who has access to what etc.

I think It's bonkers that you have an 'allowance' at all. You should be trusted to spend from the joint account. But of course discuss any larger purchases before hand (like I imagine most couples do).

Have a discussion with him about having more control/involvement/freedom. You deserve to be trusted!
If there's no trust - why are you married?

Hope goes well Op.

Strictly speaking you're not a sahm @raspberrycola

You are his wife, not his paid house keeper, you are entitled to half of everything. He is a tight arsed bastard treating you like a slave not a wife.

Together we earn slightly less than your dp. We give dd £100 a month pocket money. Monthly he's earning over £5000, and he gives you £200??????? He's an abusive bastard and you should leave him (or at least get access to ajoint account)

I am going to be somewhat harsh here and say when will women realise that relying on someone else to provide for them leaves them exactly open to this situation.

I have a relative who is not happy, she has a wealthy partner and he is not mean and stingy (like this man) but she feels trapped. She wants to leave but doesnt know how she is going to manage and she has very high expectations of what she will end up with. From what I can see every man who leaves a relationship suddenly becomes Mr Stingy.

There are few options now for you. You could leave and I suspect you will do OK but what would you like to have happen here? Please dont say you want me to be more generous. He wont be... why should he (from his point of view!)

Fucking hell- £200 a month. What a horrible stingy man. Where is the rest of the money going? Who pays for stuff for the children?This is financial abuse. It's awful that you feel nervous about your winnings and your tiny amount of £900 debt. That is not healthy.

Did you manage to have a conversation OP?

I'm sorry to say but your dh is really tight and £200 a month is not nearly enough for all that!! I get £500 a month for all that stuff and it still doesn't seem enough but that's what we can afford right now. If my dh was on £110k I'd be expecting at least £1000 a month!! Tell him to stop being such a tight git. Its time to sit down and have a real conversation about finances. This should have been discussed before you thought about having children, just because you are at home does not mean you are not contributing to the household in a meaningful way, I say this as a SAHM too. I think people don't realise how hard it is to be the parent that looks after the children and stays home and has to be financially dependent, it's pretty shit sometimes. But thankfully I have a dh who understands this!

Just wondering how you are and if you managed to speak to your husband yet?
Hoping all is well....

I'm late to the thread but echoing everyone saying this is abusive behaviour. Can you speak to women's aid?

I would be telling him he now needs to pay 50% of childcare bills unless he wants to give up work, because i need to go and get a job so i can have a 42k car too.

Op are you okay? Did you manage to speak to Dh

I'm a SAHM. All money goes into one pot. There isn't 'pocket money'. We budget together every month and discuss all significant financial decisions together to make sure our priorities are aligned.
If I had a secret credit card debt my husband would be furious though, likewise I would be if he did. Shared finances means shared oversight in my view no secret debts or surprises. Any extra money coming to either of us would go in the joint pot and be budgeted.

@Livingnearthesea how are you doing? We're worried about you.

Not in a voyeuristic way, just give us a wave if you're still hanging in there 👋

I hope you've been able to have an honest discussion. Lockdown periods are not easy for anyone feeling trapped, and there is still help available if you need it. Please don't hold back from asking for help if you need some

I think this is really interesting as I'm in the opposite position (although I'm currently pregnant and DH works full time, but he's likely to take maternity rather than me).

First thing that is annoying me is that people keep saying that he is only giving 2% of his wages.....does no one else pay tax?

I earn £95k and take home about £5k a month. I know I'm extremely lucky, but I do work hard for that. People live to their means and mortgage could easily be £2k, school fees £1k and car/petrol/commute £1k depending on circumstances. (Again luckier than most, but it doesn't mean there's money to burn)

I know I am tight and barely spend anything on myself. It's important to me to feel financially secure and I need to save a good proportion of my money as I never want to have to worry about money or stay in a job I don't love. I would have a problem if my DH jeopardised my ability to save and I wouldn't be at all happy if he had credit card debt as I feel he would be wasting money on interest.

However, I want DH to be happy and have what he wants. He actively encourages me to spend and I remind him we have to save, we balance eachother out well and never argue about money. We both have an individual bank account but put most of our money in a joint account for bills etc. All of our day to day spending goes on credit card which is paid off in full from the joint account. He can spend what he wants, as can I, but we will discuss it if the bill is high.

I'd question my relationship if I didn't want to share what I have with him of if he didn't want to share with me. But I'd also speak about it, as finances are complicated and he obviously covers all of the other costs that could be substantial.

Op, you are married, you should have a joint account. If you don't, it clearly shows that he doesn't consider your role as mother and homemaker equal.
Definitely don't tell him about your win - why would you? Use it to pay off your credit card.
If he can't see that he needs to provide more for the house and children, then I'd start sneakily selling his stuff to raise the cash that you need.

Fwiw, I do not have anywhere near that budget for glasses, clothes, gifts haircuts (I work only very limited hours as I have a disabled child). However, that is not the point. Seeing the amount of money coming in. It should be joint income - you are a family after all and you no doubt enable him to earn this money by keeping his back free.

He is financial abusive and I guess you know that.

I think you would hugely better yourself financially by filing for divorce. On such an income, he would have to pay a decent amount of spousal support plus child support plus you get get back to work when he has the kids.

Tell him about the credit card! A friend of mines parents divorced because of undeclared debt! It destroyed their family

Yes. I live on about that per month. So does DH. Our household income is similar, very slightly more, to yours though we pay for child care as we both work.

The issue for you is the discrepancy in yours and DHs personal spends.

Has your DH ever given you an increase or has it been £200.00 a month for five years?

I am in the same situation as you except I get £300.00 a month for myself, a five year old and a one year old. I also have to pay for everything in your list except DIY/Gardening stuff as that's DP's part of the house to look after.

I have £95.00 of bills (mobile, contact lenses, Kids tv channel, credit card repayment). That leaves me with £205.00 a month for everything on the list. I usually run out of money after two weeks, then I use a credit card that DP knows exists but says that's my problem, I was stupid enough to get it so I can pay it off!). I am always broke, I haven't had any new clothes for myself for five years, I can only afford to get my roots dyed four times a year (before DS it was every eight weeks).

Inspired by your post I decided to approach DP about this situation last night. I argued that he gets an annual pay rise, every year the Government increases the national minimum wage and the benefits payments go up. So my allowance should also be increased annually. DP said he can't afford to give me anymore money, that I'm ungrateful for the money I get and that if I mention it again I will get nothing!

He said I need to stop buying the kids shoes in Clarks and buy them in Asda instead. If the DS asks for Paw Patrol wellies at £12.00 a pair I have to tell them they will be getting the basic Asda wellies at £9.00 instead. I have a wardrobe full of clothes and I need to make do with what I have (none of it fits as I went up a dress size after having DS1 and never got the weight off). DP says I need to work harder losing weight then. He says I need to buy own brand toiletries and use less of them.

He says he provides me with a lovely house to live in (true but it hasn't been decorated in 20 years and needs completely redecorating throughout). DP has two cars and I don't drive but he refuses to get rid of one. He says we have two expensive holidays every year, which we do but I'd rather he gave me enough money to live on each month and we had one holiday a year.

When my one year old starts school I'll get a part time job and the allowance will stop. I wouldn't be surprised if he makes me pay him back what he's given me over the years.

He had the cheek to complain last night that we only have sex once a month and it's not fair. It's not fair that I'm completely miserable with my grey roots, faded worn out clothes and being completely broke, every single day of the year.

Definitely keep your winnings to yourself and say nothing. I would, you deserve to have it. He's got plenty of money of his own.

Lemodrops, that's not a great situation you are in. If you want to start your own thread for advice, and link here, am sure we can help you devise ways to be on parity with your husband. Good luck with whatever you do next. And same to the OP too x

@Lemondrops41

Why do you stay with DP? I couldn't stay with someone that thought so little of me.

Do you own the house as week or is it all in his name? As you aren't married it seems like you've slept walked into financial abuse...

Why can't you work now he you pay 50% each of the childcare costs? You may not end up better off but if you decide to leave it will be easier to go.