SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

OP you, and your children deserve better than this. This situation is totally unnecessary and unfair. Your finances should be shared. £200 is leaving you short and stressed about money while he buys what he likes. Is he abusive in other ways? There's frugal and then there's financial abuse. This is most definitely the latter.

You'd get more off him in maintenance

No I couldn’t live on that but that’s hardly the point.

In a partnership you should both have access to the money you need. Whether that is an equal split or a reasonable share. You don’t.

You need to talk to your DH and ensure you have access to more money.

@Feelingpoorlysick

He earns 110k a year and sends you 200 a month? He's a knob.

100% agree I could not live like that. The £200 barely covers the list you've written down and he's created a complete imbalance. He clearly has no respect for you or what you do for the family

This is awful op. It's not enough no. As an example I was between jobs for two months earlier this year. My partner earns 53k and gave me £500 a month for petrol and clothes, coffees etc. Also it meant I could buy food shopping without waiting to do it together. I could have done without this but he didn't want me to feel hard up while unemployed as I felt crap as it was. We don't have children. I know that's not loads of money but it was a enough to not feel too restricted but still it went quickly enough. I can't imagine how you manage on £200

To me that is what a shared income/relationship is and I would have done the same for him as we love each other. I can't imagine making my oh scrimp and save on necessities when we're not hard up. It's really sad he's doing this. Would you say the relationship is good otherwise?

I would tell him but word it as final. £200 a month isn't the problem, it's the expectation that so many typically shared costs have to come out of it. Then I saw your husband's salary. It's unfair you're paying for DIY, gardening and kids activities. I'd also expect on that amount of money that items you need such as new glasses would come out of the joint pot. Do you want to drive to save costs on train and bus fares? That seems like a no brainer if you do.

If I go out with the children I use the joint account automatically. The only time I pay from my account is if it's something that's just as much for me as it is for them.

It doesn't sound very fair at all. I'd ask him to clear the other £600 of your credit card and reassess what the £200 goes on/if you need it increasing going forwards.

What you are describing is financial abuse op. Have you told him it isn't enough money?

I've been a sahm for over 12 years now and we have a joint bank account and joint savings. That's how it should be.

What would happen if you bought shoes, clothing, toiletries etc. at a supermarket from money from the joint account.

Keep the money.

I'm a sahm, we have a joint account and I can spend whatever I want without having to explain myself. He sounds horrible tbh, what sort of man splashes money on himself but lets his wife and kids go without?

It makes no financial sense to service a credit card debt when there is money available to pay it off so what is stopping you from paying it off from the joint account, and paying for days out etc from the joint account?

I’m guessing it’s fear of the response you’ll get. What else is going on? Does he check your spending? Does he stop you meeting friends? Would he like you to be working or does he prefer you not to be working?

Me and DH have never had a joint account. When my DD was born, and i was SAHM he used to give me a certain amount per month.after a while I realised it wasnt covering everything I needed (and I am by no means extravagant) and said I needed £200/month more and he was fine about it. And our household income is/was probably half of OPs.

Get a divorce. Seriously. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't think you are important enough to share with and to consult on purchasing decisions? This is not normal behaviour by your DH. It is financial abuse. See a solicitor.

You should be given a minimum of 33% and zero bils should be coming out of your account. The rest needs to go towards the children and house bills etc.

I would run the money through the child maintenance calculator and then ask for at least that for expenses and so you can pay into a pension (bet you don't actually pay in, do you, whilst he is accruing his). If it doesn't work, seriously, divorce. You sound so afraid and downtrodden.

Your husband earns 110k and you get £200 a month?! I was expecting a much, much lower salary. That seems unnecessarily frugal and unfair to you. Also, I'm of the opinion all money into the household should be seen as both partners' money.

Op, just put it this way. My dh deposits over 1k in my personal account every month and I have a relatively well paid job, he just earns more than I do. We also have a joint account

Your dh is a tight git, but is also financially abusing you. He knows that the money he gives you is insufficient but he doesn’t care.
The question is, how long are you prepared to put up with this ?

I'm a sahm and I'm completely shocked and disgusted at your dh.

£110k and you get £50 a week. That is horrendous. My dh doesn't earn that much and he gives me far far more.

What a miser...what is he doing with his money whilst his wife is scrimping and saving?

I was a bit shocked when I saw £200 a month to cover all those things, then I was even more shocked when I saw he earns 110k.

What about taking household stuff from the joint account?

Really it does depend on what the other fixed household outgoings are. For example, if he’s paying a huge mortgage, two sets of extortionate school fees etc and was left with £400 a month after everything else, then giving you £200 would be reasonable.

But if he’s buying £42k cars & posh new clothes for himself and able to pay his credit card off in full each month then something isn’t fair & equal is it. It doesn’t matter who goes out & earns the family money, it should be for the benefit of the whole family.

Yes..... if it was proportional to my husbands income! In your case absolutely not and he is treating you very unfairly.

No it doesn’t cover your list and won’t cover it as the kids get older and your only decent coat rips, or your only decent shoes break.
I earn double that and have to pay for exactly your list.
I cut my own hair, shop on eBay, don’t do meals out with friends etc it is tight tight tight.

However, my DH doesn’t earn 110k. That is mental amounts of money!!! You need to talk to him, if he kicks off. He’s not very nice.

He is driving a 45k car and has designer gear. I would leave him and hit him with a maintenance bill. I don't say that lightly.

So he brings home £5.8k a month, spends lavishly on himself, but you get £200?

That's financial abuse, pure and simple. He knows what things cost; he spends enough on himself. He just doesn't care that you don't have what you need.

What would he say if you just said said - look, I need new boots, going to get them this week and they will cost x.

You are not an employee. Why can't he just give you a credit card on his account? Does he not trust you?

You shouldn’t be putting shared costs eg for the kids through your own account.

Ditto plants.

Sit down and talk t9 him

£200 a month is nowhere near enough.
It is financial abuse considering what he earns. He's being ridiculous and unfair. You need to have a conversation with him asap.

This kind of behaviour is why I have always earned and invested my own money.