SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

@IfYouHaveToAsk

Wow people are so fast to lay it on your husband.

Has anyone considered he might just be a bit out of the loop. Maybe he has no idea how much things cost and thinks £200 is plenty.

For what it's worth I agree it isn't anywhere near enough but have you told him that?

If not that's your first step op. We can all sit and bash him all morning long and give you a wonderful moral pedestal but until he says "no" he's not done anything wrong.

Put Mumsnet down and go and have a chat to your husband.

He isn't out the loop when he is buying himself designer clothing, he knows how much that costs. And how much cars cost. Either he is completely blind to his wife's needs or he knows exactly what is happening and is happy to keep it like this.

Who decided £200 was enough?

Does he know about the credit card?

You need to talk to him about the £200, if he doesn't want to increase it or give you access to the money then it is financial abuse. I have been a SAHM for over a decade. I have never had an allowance because I am not a child. I have full access to all monies. I have a joint credit card, I buy stuff, Dh pays it every month. He trusts me not to be an idiot and spend thousands and thousands.

I'd say everything to do with the house and kids should come out of the household account. Have you guys got a budget? How much you need each month for groceries, kids clothes, activities, etc? Then you need to look at discretionary income and how much he has and you have. At best he's completely ignorant at worse he's abusive but unless you talk it out you've no idea. Do you know what his monthly expenses are for lunch, petrol, insurance etc? If you don't it stands to reason he won't know yours too. Does he check the joint account? Does he know that all the gardening stuff etc comes from your credit card?

A lot of folk don't have £50 a month pocket money. Most folk I know get a job if they need extra money.

But it's not pocket money to spend on luxuries, the OP is expected to pay for essentials out of this!

He sounds awful what a horrible bastard.
And no no one can be that much out of the loop when they are lavishing themselves.
I can't believe you have only got yourself into £900 worth of debt for £200 to cover that much stuff.
Op you need to speak up, this is financial abuse.

£110k a year he should be taking home about £5000 per month. So to only give you £200 AND to expect house and child things to come out of that is INSANE. I cannot believe you haven't raised this before.

What are your household bills that go out of your joint account including food? How much is then left over from his salary?

The first thing I would do is agree that ALL housing and child related costs such as days out come out of the joint account. It's irrelevant if he doesn't think the house/garden is important, your are a family and if you think they are important, then they are. Plus you need to do some basic maintenance anyway to keep up the value of the property. And your child is a JOINT child that should be paid for from the joint money, not your 'pin money'.

Then I would show him how you spend your £200 per month and that it is really very frugal, you aren't lunching every day, you only get to buy £5 clothes etc. And discuss how that compares to how much he has left per month after he's paid into the joint account, which I imagine is at least a couple of thousand. If he is a decent man he will realise how unfair and unreasonable he's being and up it - like you said, doubling it to £400 would probably make no difference to him and a big difference to you, plus you can agree you'll save any spare either way so it's not like you'll just spend as much as you're given.

If he reacts badly and acts as though you are frivolous and bad with money then I'm afraid you've got a massive power imbalance and a man that believes that if a person (woman) doesn't work she's not worth anything. In which case I'd look for a job ASAP and think about if you really want to be with someone who is very well paid but keeps his wife on a shoestring...

@Viviennemary

A lot of folk don't have £50 a month pocket money. Most folk I know get a job if they need extra money.

Odfod

The ops dh is on a six figure salary and driving round in an expensive car whilst wearing designer clothes. Meanwhile his wife is facilitating his career by providing all childcare and taking care of the home and struggling to buy essential clothes and bus fares.

It's financial abuse.

Yes I could live on that. Would I, if my husband was earning that massive salary and expecting me to pay for kids stuff too and house stuff etc.? Fuck no.

These are the exact kind of cases that makes mumsnetters so wary of becoming a SAHM. Your partner is very controlling. For comparison, I am a SAHM, my partner earns less than yours, and ALL of our money is accessible by me. I can spend as much or as little as I want on my card for the house/kids/myself.

You're worried about being "deceitful" when he's very, very much in the wrong?
Can't you see that he's treating you abysmally? I can barely believe what I have just read.

I disagree it’s abuse. He covers all the bills and you have money for non essentials.

But Icecream, she also has to cover essentials like eyeglasses and prescriptions and things for her children out of that £200 a month. Those sorts of things should be covered by family money, not out of a small pot her H somehow thinks is fun money. That IS abusive.

£110k a year and you have access to £200 per month? If £200p/m was in proportion to his salary, I'd say fair enough but this is financially abusive/slavery OP.

House things, things for DC should at least come from a shared pot, not from your "pocket money" - these things are his responsibility too.

And don't tell him about the winnings!

Talk to him...

@Viviennemary

A lot of folk don't have £50 a month pocket money. Most folk I know get a job if they need extra money.

She's looking for a job.

OP, I still think it's pretty awful that your husband is letting you stress over a £900 credit card debt whilst he buys £42k cars.

Exactly murteplod

I disagree it’s abuse it might not be but you cannot possibly know this. Financial and economic abuse sit with a pattern of coercive control, and are a key tool to enforce both compliance and isolation.

Does anyone on this thread honestly think that it hasn't occurred to the OP to 'just talk to her husband?'

OP there is a charity called Surviving Economic Abuse which has loads of info on this.

This is quite strong financial abuse

What an arsehole

I agree with others, your DH is really tight.

Meanwhile, get a Family and Friends Railcard [£30 a year] , a third off adult fares and 60% of children's fares.

Don't get your specs at the Opticians, ask for the prescription and buy them online, Goggles4You and Glasses Direct have thousands of good reviews.

By the way, keep the money

SAHM implies you are part of the family, he is treating you like a very badly paid servant. You need to have a serious conversation as your children will see this and what will that tell them about how to treat people?

Gosh he sounds horribly mean and a complete kill joy. He might be genuinely unaware about how much things cost because you do everything though but the fact he hasn’t asked is mean. I think facials, hair and meals out with friends are out of the question to be honest but everything else is so expensive he needs to give you extra. Itemise everything you’ve spent for a month and show him. Then if he sniggers and says non you need to start shouting! He’ll probably say he needs the posh suits for work and that he has earned the car by working so hard. He must have a hard job to earn so much so I don’t begrudge him that. Some men think SAHMs are lazy and resent being the sole earner. Also you don’t get child benefit because he earns so much and and he will give a lot of his earning to the taxman, so he won’t bring him 110k every year. You might show him what you need and he might be genuinely surprised and give you more!

Echoing what lots have others have said, the £200 isn’t the issue. It’s the imbalance between you AND the fact that you are using your “personal” money for things that are definitely joint expenses. If you choose to have personal spends rather than a single family pot (and we do here so I know it can work) then all the house and child costs are joint. We also treat travel and mobile phones as joint expenses - share a car and have similar phone packages. If he thinks you only need £200 then that’s all he needs too - but I’m guessing he spends that many many times over given the car and clothes you mention.

That is a hell of a lot of expenses to get out of £200.

What is the disposable income after all necessary expenditure?

My husband earns nowhere near as much as yours and I get considerably more paid into a personal account, increased in school holidays and a yearly deposit in individual savings. I also have full access to all our other accounts including the one DH uses for his personal account.

Anything for the house, large purchases like an expensive coat or boots, gifts or big day out comes out of joint savings.

How did the £200 figure come about? You need to have a proper discussion about what you need to spend each month. If you have or do and the situation remains then I'd be looking to leave.

@ImMoana

Has anyone considered he might just be a bit out of the loop. Maybe he has no idea how much things cost and thinks £200 is plenty

@IfYouHaveToAsk did you miss the part where the OP’s husband just spent 40 grand on a new car and wears designer clothes?!

Nope didn't miss that.

My income is less than half what your H earns and I have decidedly more disposable income.

That’s is truly shocking. Hope you digest what’s being said on this thread.

What would happen if you said that £200 is not enough?

How did you come to be in this situation OP? Has it always been £200 a month since you became SAHM? And how did he get to this figure?

Maybe a silly question but do you not discuss these things with him? Does he know you buy your clothes from a charity shop?