SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

This is more than financial abuse, it is emotional as well. I think a few parameters need to be introduced and a firm stance made.

@Oxfordshiremummy88
Have you been taking these comments on board. You can get out. Other women do.

I am now retired and get the full state pension which is about £25 less than your 'allowance'.
I also get a private pension and share of my exes pension plus I have savings and credit cards but let me say this.
I decided to stop spending on stuff I neither needed nor really wanted, if truth be told, especially as I don't go out much with the restrictions in place and venues and shops that have closed their doors.
I like shopping but I certainly realise that I have shopped for England in recent years snd not just clothes, but bed-linen, bathmats, pjs, shoes, cushions blah blah.
I now ONLY spend my state pension, about £180 pw.
Out of that I pay water, electric, gas, broadband, mobile (SIM unlimited text+ mins+ 2gb data for £6pm) I bought the phone outright £700 last year-OnePlus7pro and yes, that was out of my state pension paid via PayPal credit at £100pm.
I buy a £30 railcard every year for £10 using Tesco clubcard points which gives me 1/3 off train travel.
I have 5 children plus 11 grandchildren and buy their presents throughout the year and believe me, I buy nice stuff that they WILL like and use and not hide in a cupboard.
I mostly buy Lacura skin care from Aldi online and buy in twos as it works out a bit cheaper but not much actual makeup except mascara and blusher.
I buy wax strips and nail buffers (no coloured laquer) from eBay or Amazon plus hair dye from Superdrug.
Have my hair cut and highlights every 8 weeks (£52) and have glossy magazines such as BBC Food and Woman& Home 6 issues for £6 type subscription then cancel on the 5th month before they revert to full yearly price.
No Sky/Netflix as I have no interest but I belong to a photography MeetUp club which has a fee at every meeting.
Food shops I use are M&S and Waitrose plus local farm shops (I live near Guildford in Surrey but used to work in Liverpool which ended a week ago)
Clothes are primarily from H&M, Primark, New Look and Massimo Dutti but I do buy some vintage, Poetry and occasionally M&S and Other Stories.
I don't drink alcohol or eat any meat but do buy organic where possible but always look for bargains wherever possible and use Topcashback and Quidco to take advantage of money back offers.
I think £200 is doable as to you have no bills (except your mobile) or food to buy.
I can even save money out of the £180...believe me, I do.
All the patio pots and plants and garden stuff us bought out of the above amount, over a period of time, obviously.
I used to eat out using my tastecard (£3.99pm) which gives 50% off food and other perks such as cinema tickets.
I think you could write down your spending every day and see where you are not making the most of the money you have.
It is perfectly possible to live comfortably on £200.

My council tax is paid by my ex . All else is down to me. Oh...yes, I have contents insurance which is £87pa.

Sorry, noted that it's £200 pm the OP gets but then I have more outgoings than the OP.

@LoisLane66 I think you've missed the point of the post.

No. I understood that the OP wondered if her OH was miserly with his money, if £200 pm was too little for her outgoings.

This is abuse.

He believes it's his money to spend as he sees fit, because he earns it.

He's wrong.

He is only able to earn it because you spend your life looking after him, the home and his child. He is therefore able to earn for all of you and the money should be shared equally.

Op I lived like you. I got out.

@LoisLane66 your point is invalid. OP has choices and she doesn’t have to put up with £200. OP would get more through CMS!! Someone posted around £800 a month. So why are you comparing it to your own situation! Plus OP has a child on a permanent basis to take out and entertain as well as feed and that is not cheap.

@Feelingpoorlysick

He earns 110k a year and sends you 200 a month? He's a knob.

Exactly this

Of course @Ilovecheese53, the OP always has choices and nowhere do I say otherwise. I find it disturbing to read that the OP is being advised to leave, by some posters and I apologised for misreading the frequency of the allowance.
I do know how much it costs to entertain children, I have 5 and 11 grandchildren, so I am aware of costs but it doesn't cost a lot to keep children amused...unless you are competing with other mums in your circle who spend a lot.
It depends on the age of the child. Eating out needn't be expensive if you do lunch once a week and make takeaways or packed lunches at other times, not so much picnics in this weather (UK) ATM but in spring summer and autumn it would be fun. An outside BBQ at home with friends and their children would be doable if they have a garden which, on her OH's salary, I imagine they would and would not cost for food. Ball games, skate parks, kite flying, having those hoops for blowing huge bubbles, treasure hunts, so many outdoor activities for all ages of children.
Of course, if you want ready made entertainment and don't want the bother of thinking of activities, then it will cost.
In the end it boils down to the OP being unhappy with the allowance and she has only 3 options. Ask for more, make the most of what she has, or leave. It's as clear cut as that. I wonder whether this is a recent thing or whether it was discussed when she became a SAHM. If the latter, then it should have been thrashed out at that time, 5 years ago. I do believe that the amount should be reviewed yearly as ones salary is reviewed.

LoisLane66

I wouldn't normally say but I think your point is invalid too. She's being dished out money like a child.

@LoisLane66. Your comments are rather insensitive, given the situation the OP is in. You seem more concerned with telling us how well you have coped on a small amount of money than responding to her situation. you wrote a lot about all the ways you saved but still bought quality - organic food etc. Seems like you have missed the main points of her post.

Why is it disturbing that the OP is being advised to leave @LoisLane66? Her husband is a high earner. He gives her approximately 4% of his take home pay to live on. That is not okay.

🚩 This is financially abuse!
Use the £300 to pay off some of the CC then LTB!

I m a SAHM and my husband is self employed. He always refers to the money as our money and we have a joint account. We discuss purchases together and he does nt make me feel anything less than his equal. I think you need to have an honest discussion with your husband.

Madness. It's like you're a kiddie and this is your pocket money. My DH and I put both our money into joint account and spent as we needed it. The interest on your credit card will be increasing at this rate. At that salary you should both be fine. No secrets. If he doesn't accept it, you have serious thinking to do imo.

Your husband sounds like a twat tbh. He is "allowing" you a tiny proportion of his earnings what the fuck? It is mean and controlling. Stuff like days out for the children, the garden etc... Those are joint expenses.

I find this kind of thing seriously fucking disturbing.

It's bananas that he is giving you £200 a month for basically all of the day to day family expenses when he must have £5000 a month coming in. You are going to have to square your shoulders and tell him it's just not enough. You can say it's because the DC is/are getting older or whatever, but you can also say you, too, would like to buy nice shoes and clothes from time to time, and as the decision was made together to have one income it has to be shared more equitably.

The word allowance alone would make me tell someone to fuck right off. It isn’t an allowance, like you are a child. It should be a fair and equal split of money.

I have one friend who is a SAHM and her husband transfers an allowance each month and I just can’t understand being happy to be that infantilised. Another friend works part time and does all childcare etc and she feels really grateful her husband lets her keep all her very low wages for all her expenses and she JUST pays for food. Again she has no idea what he earns and he pays for all the bills. I’d bet my life he’s got a lot more left over than she has.

It's financial abuse, there's no partnership there. I would seriously suggest he up it significantly. If he says no then leave. That's no way to live x

@TooManyPlatesInMotion

Your husband sounds like a twat tbh. He is "allowing" you a tiny proportion of his earnings what the fuck? It is mean and controlling. Stuff like days out for the children, the garden etc... Those are joint expenses.

I find this kind of thing seriously fucking disturbing.

TooManyPlatesInMotion, you make me laugh. Straight to the point. I agree with you. .

There is certainly more to this story. There is no way he is just controlling with money. The OP has to get the train on her own with child to see her family. They are not going as a family.
She takes child out and pays, again not as a family.

The lovely lady who seems to think it is ok to live on £200 and that the OP should budget better needs to understand that she is justifying abuse. The OP deserves better, this is abuse and thankfully against the law, which means even the stuffy toffs in Parliament think this behaviour is unacceptable.
I really hope the OP is safe and that her and her child can get help and support.
Women's Aid, The freedom programme, they all have ways to support. No-one should be treated like this...no justification at all.

When you say that you need to pay for all those things, was it set out as a list by him or are they just things that you buy from your allowance because you assume you have to? Have you ever had a conversation with him about it?

I wouldn’t say LTB but your husband is a greedy bastard.
From what you’ve said he earns even with your high mortgage there is a huge amount going into his account each month, I’m not saying he should shower you in Gucci and Chanel but giving you £200 to cover all of those things is awful. Tight as a badgers arse!
I’m a SAHM also, my dp earns no where near what yours does and once the bills are paid and savings are allocated the ‘spare’ money is split down the middle. DP wouldn’t have me in charity shops while he splashed the cash on flash cars and designer work wear, I wouldn’t tolerate that either tbh. You gave up your wage to raise HIS children and he has you scrimping and scraping, fuck that OP you need to sort the stingey get out!