SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

£200pm is totally unreasonable. We give our frugal student DC more than that.

You probably have a biggish mortgage if your DH earns that much but I would expect him to give you between 1-2k per month. You need to tell him what he gives you just is not enough. He needs to know about the credit cards, they're not going away. I bet he'd huff and puff but pay them off.

And to hell with telling him about the money you won. That's yours.

I too find myself in a similar situation.

My husband earns £95k / year so not quite so much but I have next to no money to buy anything. He gave me a credit card with £300 limit which he will pay off each month but I have to buy everything on there including childrens clothes, outings etc. I manage to have my hair done twice a year as I try to put aside a little bit a month for it. I do sometimes resent it as once I had quite a good job. I will try to maybe start back at work when my youngest is a bit older.

I have never seen any of our accounts. My husband ran up a lot of debts before and I always worry it has /will happen again. He has an expensive sports car and I walk around in my maternity clothes still as I cant afford new ones and I still don't fit in my pre children clothes.

I don't have much advice except to say it happens. I never would have believed that I would be in this situation as I was so independent before I met my husband (had my own house, good job, no debt). But I am working to get back into work one day and get some independence back.

You are being abused. Your husband @Livingnearthesea and yours @Oxfordshiremummy88 are financially abusing you. They are keeping you like slaves. Without access to money, you cannot escape.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

£50 a week for everything after rent and bills were paid was what I budgeted for myself during lockdown when my work dried up significantly, and I classed that as a super tight, frugal budget. I went without new clothes and beauty products (per cheap basics). I told my friends I couldn't buy birthday presents etc. and obviously there was no going out money needed! I did treat myself to fancier than usual food out of boredom, but still, it really didn't stretch far. In other words, it's bugger all and your husband is tight! (Sorry).

Omg I’ve just read this, I haven’t read all of the replies and it’s made me anxious. The thought of the incredible imbalance financially is bad. I guess me and my husband have always shared out pot irrespective of how much either of us earned, even when I was on Mat leave and working less hours. Both of us have had times being the one who earned the most and it makes it easier that we’ve always been on fairly comparable salaries. But the disparity for you is shocking.

I’m sorry to say that’s not on at all! But reading the OPs post it does sound like the husband could possibly be ok, just very tight....

Personally I would tell him about the winnings, and also that you’re paying off the credit card that will still have a balance of £600. Use that as the opportunity to talk about how you struggle on £200 and additionally remind him about how you can no longer earn due to challenges with child anxiety and that your contribution to the family is worth way more than 200 a month.

If you considered you probably clean / maintain the house for around 2 hours a day just keeping on top of things, then on an average cleaner wages that’s around £500 a month....

Maybe if he needs to invest so much, you discuss what is a reasonable amount to invest monthly, and what’s left over after mortgage & bills is divided more fairly.

I actually had to read this a few times to decipher whether you were still together as what you spend your money on sounds so separate and like you don’t spend time with the hubby?

@Quaagars
Mainly my fuel (large range rover SUV which is unfortunately very thirsty) , dog walker for when I'm at work, lunch, any cosmetic products, I admit I do overspend and could save a lot by downgrading my car and making my own lunch

This makes me angry . I'm the sole breadwinner and make about half of what your partner makes . My husband stays at home to look after our daughter and I would never dream of giving him so little gor all the things you describe. Looking after children is the hardest job in the world its much easier to be at work . Sounds like your husband doesn't understand and or appreciate that

Just some quick googling shows that should you separate and claim child maintenance with one child staying with him less than 1 night a week which sounds likely if he is a workaholic then he should be paying 213/week or 926/month

You really need to sit down and have an open and frank conversation with him. His response will then dictate what your next steps need to be

All the best

£200 is less than JSA right?

He's a tight dick head.

He is financially controlling you, it is abusive behaviour and it has to stop.
You have sacrificed your financial independence and career to raise your shared children. I thought you were going to say he earns 30k odd. You have several options, work out what you require to live a comfortable life list it and have a dialogue with him. Have the funds you can easily access and both use as you both Feel fit after all bills are covered or leave, build a new life which the courts would assist you with fair compensation/living costs for you and your children. He certainly won’t get away with giving you £200.
Can you , do you want to return to work? Childcare is expensive he’ll also be liable. Would he rather pay you 1500-2k pcm or a nursery! He’s a selfish controlling moron. Please change this situation for you and for your children. It’ll be difficult to not end Up resentful. You deserve so much better x

Keep it . To cover all those expenses I'd need 800-900 a month .

He sounds like an awful tightwad

Find out per month:
How much a cleaner would cost.
And nursery - To cover hours if you both worked.

Tell him you’re going to start working full time so will he cover these costs?

You’re enabling his career whereas you’re cheap labour Get your career back!

Please think about this OP. You are definitely not living with a fair, respectful man. EVERYTHING home & family related should come from the joint account. Ask yourself what sort of person happily walks around in designer gear when you are FORCED to shop in charity shops for anything new? This is not an equal partnership. He is being very controlling and generally unkind & you do not have to put up with this. Re-read these responses and get help to plan your future x

@Feelingpoorlysick

He earns 110k a year and sends you 200 a month? He's a knob.

This. And This again. He’s a dickhead of the highest order.

Please be honest about the credit card, and in that conversation tell him that the reason you ended up with this is that you could do with a little bit more.
I’m a SAHM too, my husband earns a good wage but less than yours. All essential expenses come out of the joint account including my travel, exercise class, as do all expenses for the baby including clothes, baby classes, toys etc. Household expenses like DIY, the garden etc come out of there too. I ask him if I want to get something that’s say, over £50, and we can sometimes argue about whether or not something is necessary. He also goes through the statement of the joint account and usually asks what things were for if he can’t work out what they were. He then gives me a personal allowance straight into my personal account of £200 and he doesn’t ask what I spend it on. I use that for hairdresser, nails, coffees, meals out with friends and family, gifts etc. I’m pretty frugal - shop at Aldi and the market, TKMaxx, Ebay etc which I think has helped him to build trust, plus most of our relationship I worked and paid my way until baby was born.

I don’t understand why you’re not paying for essential things like essential travel and household things from the joint account which you have access to? How did this dynamic come about? What would happen if you paid for these things using the joint account? Has he ever really specified that the £200 is for you to use on all your own expenses?

He’s giving you pocket money, like a child. On a salary like he has this is just financial abuse. He’s a massive dick.

I’m so sorry OP but I am shocked. It sounds abusive to the point of slavery. I’m so sorry.
If I were you I would file for divorce and get half of everything he makes.
It’s not even about the money, it’s about the lack of equality and the cruelty. You deserve much, much better

You need to try to talk to him about this. Save your receipts so he can see how the money is spent each month and so he can understand the problem. Good luck and I hope you can both find a happy medium. I am an honest person but I must admit I would keep the extra money quiet under these circumstances - and that is against my principles. Besides if you paid for the ticket from your allowance then in my mind the money is clearly yours. But the long term issue needs resolving. Good luck and have strength that the overwhelming opinion is in your favour and that as a family you are one pool of resources. Sending hugs x

I bet he sabotages your attempts to discuss this.

Why do people think that he has no idea how much things cost and all the OP needs to do is have a little chat and he'll realise giving someone less than JSA to live on is a bit shit?

He knows. He takes home (before pension contributions) nearly £6,000 a month. He knows how much clothes cost and coffees and lunches. He just doesn't care. He knows that his wife is scrimping and saving each month. He knows that she's dressing in charity shop clothes. He knows that she's constantly anxious about money. And he is enjoying it.

He is an abusive man. This is how he is abusing her.

I’m confused by the joint account, too.

There’s no question that household expenses and DC expenses are joint.

Is he scary or violent towards you or the children when you do spend money from the joint account?

Disgusting!!!! What a tight shit. I’d be tearing my husband a new one. Take that £300 for you!

Sorry he isnt even paying you minimum wage to be a slave. Jesus christ get yourself a job make him pay half the childcare.

Whatever is left out of his salary after everything is paid you should both get the same spends, and you shouldnt have to cover any costs for your child.

You are being financially abused.

Oh to put it simply for you your husband is a CUNT