SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

I'd look into working part time if I were you. I would tell him about the £300 and keep it/spend it and explain why. Tough if he doesn't agree. I would make him aware that he needs to pay more. He won't get a house cleaner, baby sitter, cook, companionship and sex on tap for £200 a month. Having your own money and a job/career, may make him see your value. How about enrolling on a course or volunteering? You need something just for you to increase your skills/outside interests and make money. He sounds like the type where if you ever divorced (God forbid), the kids would bearly get anything each month although he's earning.

Just use it, don't tell him. He needs to give you more. Talk to him. He earns £110k!

Wow, just wow! That's not a partnership or marriage, he's financially controlling. The £300 isn't the issue....

The fact that you are considering hiding £300 shows that you are being financially abused.

Tell him about the credit card and explain why you had to use it. Make a detailed list and go through it with him. Keep the £300 in an account of your own, you need to try and build some reserve. I would look into divorcing the tight fisted git, you may as well get a job as a Housekeeper, for which you would be paid. He is selfish, arrogant and entitled, a complete arsehole.

What a tight fisted bellend! I’m so sorry but you need to shake this mofo off. This isn’t ok and I’m sure deep down you know this. Get rid

If you were divorced you’d probably get 30% of his net income, the house and half his assets (at least).
He’s onto a good deal. Keep the £300 winnings!!!

And can’t believe the £42k on the car!!

I built up cc debt with my ex, he didn’t pay for anything for our children and I was too proud to say anything. He too was a high earner, he could have paid for things. We aren’t together now, I’m no longer a sahm (due to children being older etc) and I’m paying debt off and feeling good that he isn’t in control. Honestly please have a think about it. He’s a massive dick wad xx

@FoolsAssassin

I don’t think whether other people can live off this is relevant, it needs looking at in terms of your situation.

Take a moment to think about it. He earns 110k, has bought himself a 42k car, has designer clothes whereas you are going to charity shops for your clothes and buying a pair of boots suitable for a medical condition is difficult.

If someone was telling you this, what would you say to them?

This. Sorry, I'm late to the thread and only just seen but I agree with this. I'm a SAHM, have been all while the kids are growing up. Started Sept last year to try and get a job as was first time was really able to but then got ill. Get better again but then Corona hit so couldn't I was going to say 200 pounds is fine to live off a month - you get child benefit too right as that's to everyone? So approx 300 quid a month. I'd live off that (not having to pay the bills) that is. If he's thinking nothing of spunking money on 42 grand cars whilst you only have that though, just no

this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself)
Take the DC out yourself for a nice day out.
Or alternatively spend the money on yourself on things you never usually get the chance to - I mean, he wears designer clothes, when was the last time you got to spend on something frivolous like that?
I'd be taking myself off for a massage or buying some new clothes.
No good comes from declaring it, keep it as a treat.
However deceitful that may seem, it's only fair you get some as well

You're only allowed £200pm? That wouldn't even cover my weekly personal expenses. I get that your DH is frugal but he's giving you an unreasonable amount. Do you have a joint account? Earning £110k a year should give you a good lifestyle whilst still enabling you to save well. Is he controlling in other ways or just financially?

This sounds really difficult and also concerning. Concerning because maintenance on divorce takes into account previous spending as an indicator of need. So you are in a better position to show what the usual expenses are if you’ve actually been spending at least one third of the family income (in this case his income.)

I’d suggest if possible you take any spending on the children or on household items from the joint account as they are not personal spending on yourself. Then work out if 200 a month is enough. It sounds insufficient for the needs of someone whose husband enjoys a comfortable lifestyle with a new car and clothes. You are entitled to the same standard of living. Ideally, make a note of everything that’s spent with dates and by whom. Then use it as evidence that you should each have the same amount each month and what it should cover.

When I was a SAHM I worked out what DHs personal spending was and at my request, we agreed the same amount each month for ourselves. He spent more on a personal trainer and other stuff and I made sure I gave the same to myself including one off large spends and saved it up for travelling,

Good luck

That's appalling. £200?! You need to be having a serious word about that.

My DP is in a similar bracket of pay to yours and I would laugh if he suggested £200 is all I'm getting.

You're better than this.

You're only allowed £200pm? That wouldn't even cover my weekly personal expenses.

I'm not the OP obviously, but I'm just curious as to what weekly personal expenses wouldn't even be covered by 200 pounds a month?
I don't think I even spend that much on myself a year lol (not a competition, just genuinely curious!)

@Quaagars

You're only allowed £200pm? That wouldn't even cover my weekly personal expenses.

I'm not the OP obviously, but I'm just curious as to what weekly personal expenses wouldn't even be covered by 200 pounds a month?
I don't think I even spend that much on myself a year lol (not a competition, just genuinely curious!)

Fuel, blowdry, coffee, nails etc.

I don't want to advise about the money ( although have never understood couples not having joint finances and think your husband sounds a bit mean) but you mention you have Plantar fasciitis and, as someone who has suffered from it in the past I want to share some advice. I had a number of steroid injections which only helped temporarily so, did some investigating and found a book called The 5 Minute Plantar Fasciitis Solution by Jim Johnston, a physiotherapist. Apart from the exercises he suggests he also recommends a night splint. I bought mine from Physioroom.com. ( not expensive) . It's not a think of beauty, and you'd think it might be uncomfortable, but it worked like a miracle. I've since recommended this to others and they've found it equally effective. If you can walk again you'll save those bus fares.

Fuel, blowdry, coffee, nails etc

OK, fair enough, I don't drive, I brush my hair and that's literally it apart from washing, I hate coffee and I never do my nails lol
So not the best person to understand if that's the case lol

I don't want to advise about the money ( although have never understood couples not having joint finances

I've always wanted to keep it separate, as always liked to be in charge of own money.

No don't tell him. Pay the 300 off the card and hopefully it will lower the minimum repayments. Then pay the same amount you already are to get it paid off then cancel it. I would try and cut expenses down tbh and start stashing cash away cause I get the feeling you'll need it

He sounds a bit controlling to me. Try to get some independence and freedom from his constraints. Or look into online learning to get some qualifications, ask him to pay for them if they are too expensive. Sounds like you need a confidence boost. Tell him you are in debt and that you used to £300 to pay towards it, explain the cost of things. Maybe he just does not realise. My DH gave me a voucher for Christmas for a hair salon. It was enough to pay towards half a treatment, he was very surprised, had no idea how expensive it can be. Try dropping a few hints, ask to borrow his car! Instead of using public transport! What would he say to that, or do you not drive?

OP, really hope these responses are a wake up call.

YOU DESERVE MORE £, MORE RESPECT AND MORE LOVE.

You would probably be better off financially if you left him

You certainly need to sit him down and explain this can’t carry on
And that you are prepared to leave unless thjngs are equal
There’s no how and hers money it’s all your money when you are married and a family
Except no less

Have an equal amount of spending money
Then the rest like day trips paint etc all comes out of the joint

Good luck op you deserve better

You might want to see a counsellor together.
SIl's dh was financially controlling, he loved her, still does (they're divorced now) but the hold money had on him was a big, big problem and although he wanted to be better he just couldn't let go of the money it was a deep problem for him and it has destroyed his life and now he is incredibly lonely with all his money and no one to love him. She tried but getting out was the only option she was left with, very sad to see someone allow money destroy a family.

Honestly? A cleaner would earn more than you and a nanny most definitely would. Would you pay those people £200 a month full time and think it was reasonable? Of course not! Sit down with your husband and explain you need more money, or he needs to pick up the expenses for the home and days out for your child and if he won't do it, use your £300 winnings for the bus fair to a family member and leave him. This is borderline financial abuse. Good luck

What a bastard. He's keeping you down.