SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

Thank you for the supportive comments. Right now I feel like my whole world has imploded and I feel utterly humiliated, angry, and it seems all love and respect has vanished overnight for me

I will be talking to him about this but I really can’t gauge how it will go. I will speak to a women’s charity first I think beforehand. His job is mostly finance—related and he is extremely savvy with money. Like I have seen him do with work, he may well ask for my bank statements to analyse why I can’t manage on £200/month and query whether a purchase was really necessary etc. I was in the workforce for 20 years after finishing Uni abs before having DC and I think someone demanding that I justify every transaction like I’m a child would be belittling and awful. If my spending was heading us towards bankruptcy or he only earnt £25k and suggested we need to be more savvy with spending then I’d think fair enough.

It’s also reminded me that in the past 2-3 years his salary has increased by £14k

I am in the process of updating my CV and looking at vacancies, but the job market looks dire around here.

Thank you.

Dear girl, be brave and value yourself. You don't want the conversation that's for sure but you have to stick to your guns and be strong. Only you can right this wrong. We haven't mentioned love, if you still love him, I hope you find common ground. If you don't, leave as he has to support you. A woman's charity is an excellent starting point. Before you face him. They will advise you as to how to proceed. If all else fails we are all here to listen. Good luck.

£200 a month is an absolute insult from someone on a good wage. This sounds like financial abuse if you think he's going to question why that isn't enough for you and comb your bank statements asking questions. If he was asking why you couldn't manage on £2,000 a month, I'd understand a bit more. This is an appalling way to treat you OP. Please don't put up with this.

Some advice. Don't speak to him before you speak to professional support. Partner violence begins and increases when the abusive behaviour is challenged.
From your comment about wanting to scrutinize your spending and potentially dictating what you are 'allowed' to buy, you need help here.

Speak to someone in secret, get advice and follow their advice. This is more than a man being tight with money, you sound scared and so need help.

If he asks for bank statements, you need to explain that this isn't just about not being able to manage on that amount. It's fundamentally about the total imbalance of power in your relationship.

if you were to split op, and if he were to have the standard every other weekend, 1 night in the week arrangement, he would have to pay you £793 per month, to give you an idea.
You would probably get benefits to help with your housing and other costs also. You could go onto entitledto to check what you may receive.

Right now I feel like my whole world has imploded and I feel utterly humiliated, angry, and it seems all love and respect has vanished overnight for me

Because of what people on here said? 😧

Look op, don’t let them ruin your marriage, you will see them doing the same to other posters. Just speak to him. How much money do you want from him? Be clear on how much you want. Then take the discussion, then decide. What you want to do.

As a pp said, with eight hundred child maintaenance, you’re likely going to have a lot less than two hundred a month left once you’ve paid all the bills and any child care to enable you to work. You need to think this through carefully, but speaking to him first is the way forward. And not spiralling down based on randoms comments who are enjoying the drama.

Yes this is financial abuse.

When you marry you are supposed to be entering an equal partnership

It is an accident of nature that women are the ones to give birth etc but that doesn't mean they should be financially penalised for it.

A good partner would know that if they were the one to do the (easier) job of paid work they would need to equally share the income - as they should be able to expect their partner to do if it were the other way around.

It's not right OP and I think you need to find your anger. Give him a chance to put it right and be prepared to think about what you will do if he flatly refuses.

You will likely get more than half of assets if you divorce with the care of a small child still.

Ps most solicitors offer free initial consultations which will most likely be over the telephone now.

I am glad you have realised you need to tackle this and seek advice and his behaviour towards you is awful.

I am horrified at his miserly attitude towards you and particularly that your prescription and glasses costs aren't considered an essential family cost same with your phone!!

I honestly think your lifestyle would probably be far nicer and fun if you divorced!!! I can't stand tightness, no issue with people being careful nor having different spending priorities to me but to force your spouse to live like this

@Bluntness100

You are really giving terrible advice. The op is more than likely being financially abused and you're basically saying she'd be worse off by leaving. Why do you assume the child maintenance would be her only income if they split? We do not know whether she would be entitled to benefits or anything else from him?

Op...I think you're finding this difficult because you've suddenly seen this situation for what it is. We can often try to convince ourselves that a situation is fine when it isn't and it is a shock when we hear other people's opinions on it.

I hope you're ok and can get some real life support and help

If you were to tell DH that you had won £300 would he say how nice buy yourself something pretty or would he say well I don't need to give you any money next month then.

I felt ''rich'' after I left my financially abusive x for what it's worth.

Yes, I was really sad. I had no savings, I had no home, I was in my late 30s with no home, no job, only responsibilities, but the social welfare that went in to my account every week was constant iykwim. Also, of course, I didn't have to make up excuses why I couldn't afford x y or z. But I could afford a coffee with some other mums. I literally hadn't been certain of that before I left him.

I got a job as soon as my kids were old enough not to need childcare (childcare would have wiped out any earnings).

The thing about financial abuse is that it's a double bind. You're broke, but you're not even feathering your own nest.

I had times where I had to make difficult decisions but after I left my abusive x, all the decisions I made were in my own (and kids) interests.

That's my 2 pence.

Are your household outgoings high? Mortgage high etc?

I'd like to think that someone who earns over 100k a year would have the sense to realise that £200 isn't a great deal to have each month. I'd also be interested to understand how much disposable income he has each month. If it's £200 then I understand him giving you the amount he does, if it's more then you need to address this.

Firstly you need to sit down and ask him to go through the family finances with you. You need to know what's coming in and what's going out and then you can have a proper, adult discussion with him. You also need to do the same with him. Be upfront and honest about why you've got debt abs what caused this.

If he's a decent human who hasn't understood what's happening financially with you, he'll work with you to address this. Not everyone is financially abusive, some are just stupid and don't realise because you've never told him.

I was raised in a family where there's no my or your money and everyone used as needed. Now it is the same with my husband and I. We have separate ISA accounts because that makes financial sense for us overall but even when I stayed at home, I just used as I needed of a joint account; I was never given an allowance. We talk about what we spend the money on and we don't go crazy about expenses but never had to justify I'm having lunch with friends.
I would say use the money to pay off the cc and tell your husband as that's what I'd believe to be normal in a family but at the same time have a chat about all this.

nisagrl that sounds great but lots of people are not brought up with this financial openess. There might be really good reasons for this, such as seeing people in their family being taken advantage of, abused, left without enough to live on.

Why should she use her £300 to pay off the credit card? The card debt has arisen because of failure to get the family finances sorted. The £300 is separate.

OP if he is asking to see your bank statements to scrutinise why £200 isn’t enough then yes he is financially abusing you. You should have pocket money that is equal to his. All other money should be in a joint savings account and joint accounts generally. Anything less is not something I would stand for. You are contributing enormously to your family and enabling him to have the career he has. He HAS to see that.
If not you need a job and he has to spit childcare with you

I think OP should show him the CMS calculation!! Perhaps that would shake his narrow mind. Tbh OP sounds so vulnerable I would recommend she speaks to a family member before she consults her DH. I don’t see how a marriage can continue after this it’s shocking.

Please communicate with him.

OP - work out how much you need a month before you speak to OH .

My OH is on a similar amount to yours and gives me £600 a month for general monthly expenses - but , and it’s quite a big but , if I spend anything over that he transfers the excess to me . He never asks me why or queries the amount .This arrangement came about as my monthly expenses are quite variable. It works for us . I’m not very good at spending on myself ( childhood related ) and it drives him round the twist.

No! That's a miserly amount to be giving you each month, considering how much he is earning.

I think that it is absolutely fine for him to audit your 'overspend'. ONLY IF you can look through every penny of his income and outgoings and question them.

If it doesn't work both ways then it is not a marriage of equals.

I'm so sorry OP, you must be reeling from this feedback

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

You feel you cannot leave because you don't have the funds when your household income is £110k. For reference, the median household income in the UK is around £28,400 *.

He is financially abusing you.

*ONS 2018, obviously this year the stats are all a bit crazy atm.