My husband just told me he hates Mumsnet and what it does to me.

[Seagrassorchid]

As the title says really, I just settled into bed and my husband came up to tell me something, he happened to look at my laptop screen and asked if I was on Mumsnet. I replied yes and he told me he hated it. When asked why, he said 'that he hates what it does to me'. I asked what he meant by that and he said I project from what I read on here.

I didn't really know how to respond because he's never mentioned Mumsnet before now so I just said well they are real issues that happen to real people and I wasn't aware I was projecting (not really sure what he means by that).

I only really pop on Mumsnet in the evening whilst in bed so it's not like I spend an excessive amount of time here. has anybody else felt Mumsnet contributes to thoughts and feelings that pertain to their own lives and relationships and acted or judged situations based on subjects they read on here?

But how else would you be able to find the solution for a 'failed' damp course or suggest why a particular house isn't selling, if it wasn't for Mumsnet?

One can only wonder how he loads the dishwasher. Or perhaps he doesn't... 😱

This is awful

What I would do:

Start paying for anything to do with the children or house from the joint account

Start using the joint account for almost everything

Try and find a job so you can use the income for some nice clothes, haircut for you

Don't tell him about the £300, pay into credit card

Every time you go to the supermarket, get £30 in cashback and immediately take to the postoffice and pay into your credit card until you have paid off the remaining £600. I know someone who is being financially abused by a very wealthy (dodgy, criminal) husband who drives around in a Lamborgini or a Ferrari (he has both, plus multiple other cars Range Rover etc) and she has to do the cashback trick to save up enough money for haircuts and christmas presents. You are not far from this situation.

Deceitful yes but imo he has bought that on himself. Do you reaIise how much you're saving him in childcare/cleaner/gardener costs?Hopefully when you start using the joint account more and get a job (leaving the children with him) he might realize how out of order he is being.

Nobody in 2020 should be getting housekeeping money imo or an allowance from their spouse. It's 2020 not 1950. I do however think that being a SAHP play into the hands of people like this - they justify it to themselves by saying well she doesn't earn or contribute anything financially (conveniently forgetting about the cost savings of having you at home with the kids) so it is fair enough for me to control the money I go out and earn, especially if that's quite stressful. In your shoes I'd be tempted to get any kind of job, even something inconvenient like bar work or evening shifts at the supermarket - just so he can feel the pain of you being out of the house an dsee how desperate you are for more financil independence. IME men that earn 100K and drive nice cars and are financially controlling are very concerned with their wealthy image and having a wife working in retail or a pub doesn't fit with that so you may find he suddenly becomes more generous.

sorry meant to put that on the financial abuse thread - was so horrified wrong window!

I haven't read the whole thread.
My ex h hates MN too (I didn't mention MN - but he assumed everytime I was looking at my phone I was on MN )
He hated that I could get support on here and I genuinely think I would have found leaving him (no kids) so much harder without reading on here about the amazing women who were/are in shot relationships like I was.
I have family and friends in RL to talk to, but I could be truly honest on here and get honest opinions back too.

I'm not keen on the amount of men on here increasing (they always announce themselves in their posts/usernames) as I think they Cherry-pick the threads/posts to confirm their opinion on here that we are a nest of vipers. (I know there are some lovely men on here too).

In short, your h probably hates MN because together we are stronger, and the menz don't think that one bit.

Dh used to think that. At some level I think he was threatened by women talking and him not knowing wtf they were all saying.

He's come round though... and now often asks me to see 'what does Mumsnet say'

I think it's bit rich when men/people criticise MN though... 99% of the internet is porn and vile to women - not really sure why we should be held to a different standard... (well, I know why... but I don't agree)

@NewUser123456789

Well as a man I am not at all surprised. There is a lot of useful input and help on the subject of children and parenting (why I have started reading the site) but on many of the other boards the level of misandry, entitlement, terrible advice and total lack of understanding is breathtaking. The relationships forum in particular is spectacular, the 'nest of vipers' moniker is well deserved there.

The relationships sections of other forums are 'spectacular' as well. Like the one I saw recently about a man's wife who had 'definitely cheated' because his child was 'nothing like me'. He was advised to "throw the cheating where and her brat into the street where they belong" and that was one of the nicer posts. They were less helpful after hed thrown her out, she'd moved her and the child to her parents, the DNA test proved the baby was his and she wouldn't come back. She was called more names though and he was told he should just take his child back from the 'baby stealer'.

The world is full of arseholes, then they're allowed to be anonymous and have no repercussions for what they say. There's plenty of good advice around though and women on MN who can partially credit MN for escaping abusive situations, not being pressured into aborting their child, being more confident in interviews, knowing why their cake went wrong, being supported while trying to breastfeed and so much more.

Ha. Sounds like he doesn't like you having access to the standards a group of women would set themselves, rather than the status quo he helps create for himself...

Oh well!

@TatianaBis

Gossip originally meant godmother/godfather. (From godsib)

It degenerated from meaning a close friend to loose/idle talk. Principally focused on women - village ‘gossips’ are generally female.

My point is that some men don’t like women talking between themselves and they never have. It might be critical, it might be subversive, it might upend the patriarchy. Feminism came along and confirmed their worse fears.

MN = live gossip, live feminism, who knows where it will end eh?

I remember being taught as a child at church about the evils of women gossiping. Was it Paul who got very worked up about women gossips in his letters?

Anyway, as an adult I had a bit of a lightbulb moment where I realised that what he meant was that it was important to not let women congregate and form ideas of their own, and get ideas above their station. Very eye opening...

I still have a lot of very religious friends who share pieces of wisdom on Facebook about how a wife's duty is to never complain, never show any annoyance at her husband or children, never become depressed and the only acceptable emotion is an outpouring of love and self sacrifice. And it matters not if your every waking moment on earth is one of misery and drudgery, because that is your role as a wife and it pleases God. I feel so sorry for them.

@LittleBearPad

You think being on 110k, giving her 200 quid a month to live on and being extremely tight with money to the point she's had to rack up a credit card debt is perfectly normal loving husband stuff?

No, which is why on that thread I’ve suggested she talk to him.

You suggested talking to a financially abusive man about his financial abuse?

How do you expect that to pan out??

Shaniac MN doesn't hate men, it hates misogyny.

Arghhh.

I think, given no one knows for certain that he’s financially abusive, that it might be better to talk to him rather than ring a divorce lawyer in the next hour.

Maybe she can do that once she’s spoken to him and he’s proved it either way.

But sorry OP to derail.

There’s a similar overreaction to a man asking a question about shampoo going on in Style and Beauty.

I think your DH has a point tbh.

@LittleBearPad

But sorry OP to derail.

There’s a similar overreaction to a man asking a question about shampoo going on in Style and Beauty.

I think your DH has a point tbh.

But there's also a lot of good advice. Same as any forums or social media or life in general really, some of it isn't helpful and some is.

I think there's an element of worry that partners might be 'talked about' on here. I've asked for advice for various people I've dated/just dumped and I wonder sometimes whether they had a sneaky look to see if they could find themselves

I've put up with a lot of shitty behaviour in relationships and MN has opened my eyes. It also means as a PP said you can help unhappy women as you've been through it. I posted on a thread recently because the OP was living my exact situation a few years ago, and I was surprised it was making me so angry that her natural response, as mine had been, was to pander to his bullshit rather than say no, and enforce a boundary. It actually helped me deal with my own feelings about my ex too.

Agree with PP too that I'd be wary of any man that 'hated' MN and would suspect they feel threatened that their bullshit will be uncovered rather than them getting away with it as usual.

I try not to let MN make me too cynical and apply critical thinking, both to threads and my own life. Not sure how successful I am

I think, given no one knows for certain that he’s financially abusive, that it might be better to talk to him rather than ring a divorce lawyer in the next hour.

You really are bending over backwards here - the man wears designer suits and drives a 40k car. He knows his wife doesn't have enough money, yes she can have a chat about it, but realistically, he already knows it, so it must be intentional.

@LittleBearPad

But sorry OP to derail.

There’s a similar overreaction to a man asking a question about shampoo going on in Style and Beauty.

I think your DH has a point tbh.

See, one would wonder why, if you have such a low opinion of an online message board then why are you posting on it?

There are a zillion of them all over the www.

Also, him claiming that you 'project' (what had he done that he claimed you projected about?) is kind of gaslighting or at least problematic.

I know all of us project, but he's saying that your perception of situations in front of you is inaccurate, encouraging you to doubt your awareness of situations.

@FairFridaythe13th

I’d pick up a copy of the socialst workers party gazette (or whatever) next time you are out and sit in bed with that, muttering about the imperialist running dogs and enemies of the people (wearing your little blue PJs).

FairFridaythe 13th

Have you got a spy camera in the bedroom I share with my DH?

@gamerchick because I’ve been here 10 years.

It provides a certain detachment. There’s loads of good advice, there’s also a load of hyperbole.

Maybe he doesn't like you talking to other women in case they tell you something he wouldn't want you to hear about your relationship

My dh often asks me what's happening on mumsnet

@LittleBearPad

Arghhh.

I think, given no one knows for certain that he’s financially abusive, that it might be better to talk to him rather than ring a divorce lawyer in the next hour.

Maybe she can do that once she’s spoken to him and he’s proved it either way.

Sorry what? That is clear financial abuse, unless of course you’ve no idea what financial abuse is.

(Sorry to derail OP).

MN has a lot of bad points, but ultimately it allows women to share our experience and experiences, which makes us all stronger. Unity is our strength, which is why so much effort goes into keeping us apart. I can well imagine men being afraid of MN.

The Relationships board is toxic, in my view.

I see the Relationships board as the graveyard (or maybe the Swiss euthanasia clinic) of dying relationships. No-one goes to Relationships with an easy problem that can be fixed with a bit of good will and better communication. I've been on other boards that were very different, but MumsNet Relationships gets a lot of really really shit stuff. Persistent infidelity, physical financial sexual and mental abuse, bullying, dishonesty, addiction. Couples who have have tried counselling already and it's failed, or got better but fallen back. Stuff that just isn't going to get better. I wouldn't send people I know there for advice because most women I know aren't in that bad a place (or if they are I don't know about it)

And another feature I've noticed about Relationships is that a problem starts out sounding quite small and easily fixed (see goodwill and communication above), but then people ask a few questions and uncover that it's just the tip of an appalling iceberg. So I have concluded that if you are even thinking about asking a question on Relationships then you might as well save yourself time and LTB. (Only half joking)

I think MN, like any other Internet forum, can press our buttons in unhelpful ways.

I agree, and alongside Floralprints's post on having to be careful not to get sucked in and the many remarks of hyperbole, exaggeration, and trolls on here.

The only comments my spouse makes are of the "You haven't said anything positive going on with [lists a few spaces, sometimes including MN] in a while." which is usually during a flareup when I'm online and irritable more than usual. It's something I have to be aware of.

My ex hated me talking to women in female online spaces too, OP.

He was (and is) incredibly controlling and abusive, I just couldn't see it when I was inside it iykwim. I thought he just didn't understand and I just needed to explain myself better. Convince him to stop "accidentally" hurting me. But he understood perfectly and it was all quite intentional.

In my very confused relationship issue posts, many years ago, I said how lovely he was, and he wanted to learn, and he was listening and learning etc. Ah younger-me. Bless her. 😂😂😂