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Original poster

My husband just told me he hates Mumsnet and what it does to me.

154 replies

Seagrassorchid · 27/10/2020 22:48

As the title says really, I just settled into bed and my husband came up to tell me something, he happened to look at my laptop screen and asked if I was on Mumsnet. I replied yes and he told me he hated it. When asked why, he said 'that he hates what it does to me'. I asked what he meant by that and he said I project from what I read on here.

I didn't really know how to respond because he's never mentioned Mumsnet before now so I just said well they are real issues that happen to real people and I wasn't aware I was projecting (not really sure what he means by that).

I only really pop on Mumsnet in the evening whilst in bed so it's not like I spend an excessive amount of time here. has anybody else felt Mumsnet contributes to thoughts and feelings that pertain to their own lives and relationships and acted or judged situations based on subjects they read on here?

OP posts:

Luckyonetwo · 28/10/2020 08:06

It seems to me that a large percentage of people do not live in the real world, are quite toxic and are using this as an outlet for their unhappiness and some of the boards are very unhealthy and unhelpful in their views.

Agree with this.

raddledoldmisanthropist · 28/10/2020 08:08

this place can be toxic as hell.

What the internet really needs is more variety. It's so frustrating to be forced to read MN all the time.

Although the hatred trans people get on here is horrifying!

Is that it, OP? Have you become less tolerant of your husband dressing up in your clothes and joining your women only gym because of the nasty MNers?

ImMoana · 28/10/2020 08:15

Being in MN has definitely helped me realise I lack boundaries in my life and the reasons why.
I do agree that sometimes the advice is massively OTT. There was a thread once where the DH paid his wife a compliment about her figure and by the end of it people were telling the OP to LTB. It was comical. I did tell my DH about that thread and he’s disliked the site ever since.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

lottiegarbanzo · 28/10/2020 08:21

To answer your question, has it made me see some real life situations differently? Not quite but it has contributed to my knowledge, perception and thinking on some things.

I've learned some phrases here too. Mostly everyday ones commonly used by younger people, that I would otherwise have learned in the workplace, or on other parts of the internet.

I find that many men take anything and everything about 'men', or any other man, who they view as an exemplum of all men, very, very personally. (Yes, some women too but not quite so commonly, or in a way that so totally lacks self-awareness about this behaviour). So you only need to have commented that you were shocked at what you'd read about the behaviour of one man and Mr-averagely-self-absorbed will take from that that MN is radicalising you to be suspicious and hateful towards all men.

Massive yet fragile egos, innit.

Obviously the really good ones do not do this. They are able to view other people's behaviour for what it is and see people as individuals, while also recognising sex-based patterns.

TwentyViginti · 28/10/2020 08:23

@Porcupineinwaiting

the hatred trans people get on here is horrifying

Yes all those mouthy women saying "hang on a sec" instead of just being quiet and kind as their safety is compromised and their rights misrepresented and removed. Shocking.

It is indeed shocking that women won't be complicit in their own erasure

lottiegarbanzo · 28/10/2020 08:23

And yes, lots of content here is often as hyberbolic, irritable and cathartic as everywhere else on the internet, where people offer opinions anonymously. There's nothing unique to MN about that.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 28/10/2020 08:23

My ex husband hated mumsnet and the friends I made from it.

They’re still in my lives now 10 years later.

He’s not.

KnightsofColumbusThatHurt · 28/10/2020 08:27

I always find it fascinating how men cannot stand the idea of women getting together and discussing stuff without them!

LilacPebbles · 28/10/2020 08:29

MN has been empowering for me personally, I'm especially grateful for the Feminism boards. Unfortunately some men do have a problem with it. At least now I can identify just why that is

RinderTinderNotRinderGrinder · 28/10/2020 08:30

My ex husband hated Mumsnet. Funny that I of course blindly and obediently left the bastard based on the most minor of things because mumsnetters told me too... oh no, that’s right, they pointed out all the ways he was abusive whilst I argued against them and said how nice he was because he didn’t hit me (yet).

Yeah, he hated Mumsnet.

Current husband thinks it’s great, he says he’s learned loads on here, but then he’s got nothing to feel threatened by as he’s a good ‘un.

Is this just a goady thread, or are you really here for relationship advice? I disagree with you about the importance of the Relationship topic. There is no where else where women are given permission to leave relationships that don’t make them happy. It’s a powerful thing. And I really can’t see someone leaving an otherwise happy relationship because a mner told them to LTB over the washing up.

Most people don’t ask for help when everything is fine.

butterpuffed · 28/10/2020 08:31

Couldn't agree more and what's more worrying is when an obviously vulnerable person starts a thread about their problem , often quite minor , takes heed of extreme advice and plans to act on it.

Meruem · 28/10/2020 08:36

I sometimes make my kids roll their eyes with my MN discussions! (They’re adults). But it has opened up some interesting debates/discussions between us and given me a good insight to what they think on particular topics. I don’t really like this idea that your DH is trying to censor what you read. That makes me uncomfortable. If you did project over one particular thread then maybe apologise if you see his point? But I don’t think that means you should stop coming on here.

Runningdownthathill · 28/10/2020 08:37

My first thought was that being on your laptop in bed doesn’t sound great for your relationship or your own well-being. Maybe that’s what he objects to? The amount of time you spend on it rather than on real human interaction?
I don’t think being on this site is particularly good for well being generally really. It presents a pretty bleak view of life and people on the relationships threads. Men can all seem lazy selfish and addicted to porn for one thing. I’m not sure whether I am just very sheltered or whether this is a true representation of life. It is extremely depressing to read about though and doesn’t make me feel good.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 28/10/2020 08:37

I wish I'd found MN 7 years ago as there's no way I'd have put up with some of the shit from my DP. It's taught me about boundaries and it's ok to say no. And I'm now an out and out feminist and admirer of JKR.

My DP knows better than to complain about MN

BessieSurtees · 28/10/2020 08:38

@Seagrassorchid
Do you sometimes project from mumsnet? I have certainly caught myself doing it sometimes.

There is also a lot of projection on the boards.

Mumsnet seems to be a place where some vulnerable women can find support and some vulnerable women can be manipulated.

AuntieMarys · 28/10/2020 08:38

smellbellina me too!

BigFatLiar · 28/10/2020 08:41

My husband just told me he hates Mumsnet and what it does to me.

OH doesn't like Mumsnet, doesn't 'hate' it but perhaps thats because we both think it is in general quite toxic.

There are some good things in here but also a lot of hate.

If you're reading it in bed view it as entertainment to pass the time. I'm not sure that all that goes on is true, I suspect there's a lot of baiting.

OH says he's glad we have girls and no boys, they'd get a hard time these days.

Lily193 · 28/10/2020 08:41

I also agree with this. So many very bitter, unhappy people on here.

HasaDigaEebowai · 28/10/2020 08:43

The Relationships board is toxic, in my view. Been here a long time (16 years or so) and that board is more toxic than ever.

I have also been here 16 years and I agree completely. Its the last place you would go for balanced advice about relationships.

DH rolls his eyes when I come out with "Someone on mumsnet.." but he's used to it now

Floralprints · 28/10/2020 08:44

I came to mumsnet through Google searches of specific questions, and I found it really useful. However that quickly led me to constantly refreshing to trending box and reading almost all during any point of downtime throughout the day. I definitely think it affected me. I was taking on other people's issues without even realising it. It's the same reason I limit the news and try to be careful of what I watch and read. I have massively reduced my usage and if I browse I stick to lighthearted threads. I don't know if it made me more anxious or if I came on more during periods of anxiousness. The threads can definitely give you great advice but for somebody like myself who can be easily swayed, I had to take a step back to realise my own views and not have my head buzzing with other people's ideas. That said, there are some brilliantly funny, intelligent and interesting posts and posters. I do really enjoy the site but I have to watch I don't get sucked too far in.

ShizeItsWeegie · 28/10/2020 08:44

Househunter2021

And yet I've read two threads tonight that have got me thinkingI should be forcing my partner into marriage to "protect" myself ....I don't even know what from

Really do you really not know how much you would benefit, in fact both of you would benefit from being married? If you have assets together you automatically inherit (in most cases). You are legally considered your partners next of kin so this gives you say in what happens if that person is incapacitated or dies. There are dozens of benefits to being legally married. If you are just living over the brush you might have to fight hard to be recognised as being anything at all in your partners life if anything bad happened.

This sort of advice isn't given maliciously on the boards here. Most of it isn't. A lot of posters relate their situations so they can test the water to see if other posters would put up with the shit they are getting. If they get a good 80% no, I would like to think that is giving them enough spine to make them realise so they can do something to stop them being punched, cheated on, financially abused, cheated on etc.

There is almost always several posters that have been in a very similar situation and can offer good advice. Sometimes there's a nugget of information that can make all the difference to an outcome.
I have definitely become stronger since discovering MN. It's as easy as hell to be dismissive if your situation is peachy.
I do not consider women being strong a bad thing.

ShizeItsWeegie · 28/10/2020 08:47

Floralprints Agree 100% with your post. It's a fine line to tread.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/10/2020 08:50

Yes, I agree that overdoing anything is unhealthy and that people posting for help are usually unhappy, so that there is a lot of negative content.

Other than that though, I think only quite weak-minded, easily-led (or controlling) people, assume that other people are weak-minded and easily-led enough to take on the views of 'people on the internet' as their own, without any critical evaluation. Those and people who think all women are weak-minded idiots.

BernardBlackMissesLangCleg · 28/10/2020 08:52

Hates mumsnet is a pretty strong word

especially as it seems to have come out of the blue for the OP. I'd be wanting to 'unpack' that

I think mumsnet does (rightly as it happens) make a lot of men nervous. women speaking to each other does, dunnit?

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 28/10/2020 08:58

Mumsnet is a woman-focussed space, full of knowledge sharing, advice, and a fair whack of silliness for seasoning.

Sure there's some people that go overboard in both directions, but like reading amazon reviews, you read the 5 stars, you read the 1 stars, you read the 3 stars and come to a conclusion somewhere in the middle.

I find it interesting that the only times DP is disparaging about MN is when I'm enforcing a boundary... when it's holiday or equipment or some other kind of advice he's perfectly happy to suggest I ask MN.

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