My husband just told me he hates Mumsnet and what it does to me.

[Seagrassorchid]

As the title says really, I just settled into bed and my husband came up to tell me something, he happened to look at my laptop screen and asked if I was on Mumsnet. I replied yes and he told me he hated it. When asked why, he said 'that he hates what it does to me'. I asked what he meant by that and he said I project from what I read on here.

I didn't really know how to respond because he's never mentioned Mumsnet before now so I just said well they are real issues that happen to real people and I wasn't aware I was projecting (not really sure what he means by that).

I only really pop on Mumsnet in the evening whilst in bed so it's not like I spend an excessive amount of time here. has anybody else felt Mumsnet contributes to thoughts and feelings that pertain to their own lives and relationships and acted or judged situations based on subjects they read on here?

@LittleBearPad

A case in point

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4062942-SAHM-could-you-live-off-this-amount-of?msgid=101237230

There’s one post by the OP. She’s already been told she’s being financially abused and to divorce her husband.

Because he earns £110k but expects her to pay for everything for herself, their children and the house and garden out of the £200 a month that he lets her have.

I'd be annoyed if my other half got in to bed and got the laptop out to read an Internet forum instead of speaking to me.

I split up with my ex in 1985.

He blamed Cosmopolitan for 'giving me ideas!'

He would have been binned faster if MN had been around then.

I think Mumsnet feels threatening to some men, because there aren't many other places where ordinary women, from all different walks of life, can "gather" and openly share their experiences from a largely female pov. And as such it's invaluable.

longlist so did mine! I just laughed at him.

But @tearinyourhand there is no indication that the OP has raised any issue with the husband.

He may be staggeringly dim and unaware. He may be massively tight. He may be an utter bastard. But there is no way to know from that OP.

However within 20 posts someone has said she’s living in slavery.

I mainly read feminism and funny threads.

I've been on here for yonks though nearly as long as I've known him (14 years).

I tell him about stuff I read on feminism which are shocking and aren't so high up in the mainstream news.

I read him choice bits of funnier threads.

I can get a bit sucked in. And irritable if there's an argument about something on here and I'm involved on one of the sides!

But there's so much different content and thousands upon thousands of women so to say flat, don't like it seems rather dismissive of well. Women full stop!

We've had loads of great advice from here as well over the years. (And some not so great advice lol). Just like real life!

If you take out the 'maybe he hits you because he's got early onset dementia, try and be understanding' and the 'OMG he left his actual SOCKS next to the bed. Get your ducks in a row NOW! Start by contacting womens aid and then see a solicitor for your free half an hour' there's some really good stuff on MN

I do agree that she needs to talk to him before packing her bags and leaving.

But even so, I just don't believe that anyone clued in enough to earn a six figure salary could genuinely believe that someone else could support themselves and their children, and take care of keeping the home decorated and in good upkeep for £200 a month. How could it be possible for a man like that not to know how much a pair of shoes or a coat costs, or a tin of paint?

@LittleBearPad

A case in point

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4062942-SAHM-could-you-live-off-this-amount-of?msgid=101237230

There’s one post by the OP. She’s already been told she’s being financially abused and to divorce her husband.

The Op in that case is being financially abused though, She probably suspects that she is, but needs others to confirm that this is the case

@Longlist

My ex h hated Mumsnet. He felt jealous and excluded and that it took too much of my attention at the expense of our relationship. He actually cited it as a problem in our divorce papers

@Longlist- sorry, but I just had to laugh at the thought that your ex actually cited MN as a problem in your divorce papers. How pathetic

@tearinyourhand

I do agree that she needs to talk to him before packing her bags and leaving.

But even so, I just don't believe that anyone clued in enough to earn a six figure salary could genuinely believe that someone else could support themselves and their children, and take care of keeping the home decorated and in good upkeep for £200 a month. How could it be possible for a man like that not to know how much a pair of shoes or a coat costs, or a tin of paint?

Because he doesn’t know she isn’t shoving loads of that stuff on the joint credit card. He may be expecting her to.

He earns enough to just pay the bill each month. DH and I don’t look through ours in detail unless it’s significantly higher than normal. If we know there’s a holiday deposit on it or car service we don’t even do that.

Well as a man I am not at all surprised. There is a lot of useful input and help on the subject of children and parenting (why I have started reading the site) but on many of the other boards the level of misandry, entitlement, terrible advice and total lack of understanding is breathtaking. The relationships forum in particular is spectacular, the 'nest of vipers' moniker is well deserved there.

@LittleBearPad

A case in point

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4062942-SAHM-could-you-live-off-this-amount-of?msgid=101237230

There’s one post by the OP. She’s already been told she’s being financially abused and to divorce her husband.

You think being on 110k, giving her 200 quid a month to live on and being extremely tight with money to the point she's had to rack up a credit card debt is perfectly normal loving husband stuff?

Is this just a goady thread, or are you really here for relationship advice?

I'm pretty sure it's the former now.

You think being on 110k, giving her 200 quid a month to live on and being extremely tight with money to the point she's had to rack up a credit card debt is perfectly normal loving husband stuff?

No, which is why on that thread I’ve suggested she talk to him.

@NewUser123456789

Well as a man I am not at all surprised. There is a lot of useful input and help on the subject of children and parenting (why I have started reading the site) but on many of the other boards the level of misandry, entitlement, terrible advice and total lack of understanding is breathtaking. The relationships forum in particular is spectacular, the 'nest of vipers' moniker is well deserved there.

Yes but the level of misogyny in every day life for many women is huge. Sorry, but if you are a man, you just won't experience it in the same way. Mumsnet provides one tiny area in which to even up the balance.

@NewUser123456789

Well as a man I am not at all surprised. There is a lot of useful input and help on the subject of children and parenting (why I have started reading the site) but on many of the other boards the level of misandry, entitlement, terrible advice and total lack of understanding is breathtaking. The relationships forum in particular is spectacular, the 'nest of vipers' moniker is well deserved there.

Misandry eh? You mean women helping other women to not put up with shit men?

The many, many women who have been helped to leave abusive partners would certainly describe the relationships forum as 'spectacular' though.

They come back to say thank you.

I think MN, like any other Internet forum, can press our buttons in unhelpful ways. I have to take a break from here sometimes when I feel like my mind has filled up with disembodied voices hectoring me about my failure to bleach my door frames / micromanage my child’s macronutrient intake / ensure my living space is a consistently ‘updated’ sanctuary of calm and order that is always visitor ready / bake organic spelt sourdough fresh every morning / find the perfect foundation for my skin type / surprise and delight my loved ones with thoughtful and exquisitely presented eco friendly gifts. Spending too much time here can send me into a spiral of believing that I must be a uniquely chaotic failure of a person. It really upsets my DH when I get that way - and it’s also interesting to note that on sites predominantly used by men there is really no talk about toilet brushes, children's lunches, fear of a suboptimally magical Christmas, or other forms of grim domestic guilt.

The advice to LTB for the smallest disagreement doesn’t bother me so much as I know for a lot of posters it comes from desperately wanting to spare others the sorts of trauma they have been through.

The infertility / loss boards are a treasure for anyone going through that, and my DH also took a lot of comfort from MNers’ solidarity during some very dark times for us.

Whoa - the thread moved fast and I’ve missed a whole convo!

Because he doesn’t know she isn’t shoving loads of that stuff on the joint credit card. He may be expecting her to.

She doesn't mention a joint credit card. She mentions the joint bank account, so presumably if there was a joint credit card she would mention it.

I do think she should talk to him. But even if she does, she is left in the position of begging for money from someone who is meant to be her partner. It doesn't exactly sound healthy.

@tearinyourhand

Because he doesn’t know she isn’t shoving loads of that stuff on the joint credit card. He may be expecting her to.

She doesn't mention a joint credit card. She mentions the joint bank account, so presumably if there was a joint credit card she would mention it.

I do think she should talk to him. But even if she does, she is left in the position of begging for money from someone who is meant to be her partner. It doesn't exactly sound healthy.

Agreed. It doesn’t sound healthy at all. I can’t imagine thinking (rightly or wrongly) that I couldn’t speak to DH about such things.

Equally I’m not sure telling her she lives in slavery is helpful...

Lol, women saying "you deserve to be treated well" = misandry. 🙄🤔

Gossip originally meant godmother/godfather. (From godsib)

It degenerated from meaning a close friend to loose/idle talk. Principally focused on women - village ‘gossips’ are generally female.

My point is that some men don’t like women talking between themselves and they never have. It might be critical, it might be subversive, it might upend the patriarchy. Feminism came along and confirmed their worse fears.

MN = live gossip, live feminism, who knows where it will end eh?

LittleBearPad

To be fair he earns 92k a year, but expects her to live in £2,400 a year, including her clothing, home repairs, travel, children's clothes and days out.
He wears designer suits and just bought himself a 42k car, and she's in debt £900 and shopping at charity shops.

My kids dislike my MN habit because they believe the hype about it being transphobic, but since none of them can be bothered to actually read any of what's here they haven't been in a position even to have a proper argument with me about it, still less to win it.

DP respects it and what it does for me. I've learned so much here, over many years. I think the first threads I read were the Stately Homes ones, which I found via a google search, and which helped me to thoroughly unpack my dysfunctional upbringing and changed my life really. I also would probably never have realised that I'm autistic without MN (I have a diagnosis now) or that my DP has ADD issues rather than just being disorganised and not listening, which is what I had thought. So actually MN has probably saved my relationship rather than threatening it. I feel I learn loads about aspects of life I don't ordinarily cross paths with and MN is absolutely my go to resource for anything where a first person account is useful, e.g. health worries or travel experiences. There are so many knowledgeable, articulate people here, and people are very generous with their time and insights.

In general, I would tend to be a bit wary of a man who 'dislikes what MN does to you' unless his real problem is with you bringing your browser to bed, which I could totally understand because it would annoy me too.