Soft play situation - who is in the right?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

Two mums meet at soft play with their 8yo girls - MumA & ChildA, and MumB & ChildB.

The slot is 2.5 hours, and after 2 hours ChildA comes to the adults crying because ChildB isn't playing with her anymore. ChildB approaches the table and MumA says "ChildA is upset because she says you won't play with her." ChildB responds "Yes I just want to play on my own for a bit". MumA says it's not nice to ditch your friend. MumB says that ChildB often gets tired of company and likes to do her own thing sometimes, and she's been taught to speak up if she ever feels like having alone time.

ChildA spends the rest of the session crying while ChildB goes to play on her own. ChildA says to her at the end that she isn't a good friend, which upsets ChildB.

Who was in the right, and should either mum have done anything differently?

I was a very introverted child. And I confess that i hated being flung together with the children of my parents friends because they liked each other.

I remember getting into loads of trouble about 8 because i snuck off the toilet to get some alone time and stayed there for ages. We used to go on holidays with one set of my parents friends. I did not like it much at all!

I am a single mum. I was a single mum from my youngest was just turned 4.

I still had to recognise that my kids and my friends kids wouldn’t always gel.

I think both of you handled it badly.
I have a DS aged 5 with asd and a very independent DD of almost 8 so I do understand where you are coming from OP however at that stage they were both obviously tired and a bit bored so I'd have given a biscuit and a drink or whatever to diffuse the situation and wrapped things up.

OP - next time why not chat with your dd about some ways of saying things that aren’t rude or potentially hurtful. She could have said to the friend “let’s go and see our mums” or “I want a drink” or “let’s see what or brothers are doing” or “I wonder if it’s time to go home, let’s ask mum”. And then explained to you that she was ‘tired’ and wanted to go home. I do think in this situation it was either stay and play or make an excuse and leave - you need to teach her these social graces.

I know an adult who firmly believes in doing what she wants, she has strong boundaries and she's not afraid to assert them. She says herself she won't take any shit and that she'll stand up for herself. She's lost friends due to it., a lot of friends. None of her colleagues like her, she hasn't got friends out of work and is lonely. Which is a shame as she's a nice person but with a bit more empathy to others rather than total bluntness and doing things her way all the time she'd probably be happier.

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

My DD is like Child B. Luckily, all her friends 'get' her. (Child A in our lives is often her sister, but fortunately she respects her sisters need for quiet now). It's not a case of sucking it up or being polite... At her limit she just can't communicate anymore. But given space and quiet, she relaxes.

This is exactly my DD.

And it's not a perfect science is it - when we teach our children anything - make sure your boundaries are respected, thank people for gifts, don't rise to bullies, do rise to bullies, etc - they don't get it 100% right every time, they are kids after all. It's not always going to be the perfect scenario where everyone is happy But I stand by my principle of saying she's allowed her breathing space when she wants it.

However I do on reflection think I need to tell her that in doing that she needs to expect that other people's feelings may be hurt and they may be cross with her so it's her call on wether the breathing space is worth it for that

It is a bit much for you to talk about boundaries etc and then put her in a situation where she has to spend 2 and half hours at soft play with someone who isn’t really a friend because you want to meet your friend. What will you do when she asserts her autonomy/ boundaries by saying that she won’t go?

[quote Onceuponatimethen]@MoonJelly but isn’t that what agreeing to meet up with a friend is? More or less a deal that you will be together for that time?

If the dd was 3 then of course too young to understand that, but at 7-10 I would expect that to be understood[/quote]
But the deal was essentially that the parents would meet up at a venue that would keep their children occupied - not an arrangement specifically for the children to meet up. OP says she told her child they were going to the play centre, she didn't make the arrangement because child B was asking to play with child A.

@GlummyMcGlummerson - so, child A has to suck up being neglected by her father and ignored by her mother so that she can talk to her friend, and ignored by the child she’s been dumped with to entertain her?

Mum B, and good on her for teaching her child that its OK to need time on her own and not to 'people please'. Two hours is a long time to play with someone if you naturally need a bit of time on your own.

You wanted your kids to go along and play nice so you could natter and drink coffee with your mate.

Can’t you do that during the day when they’re at school?

Or can’t you have your friend and her kids for an overnight, do a movie, kids to bed then you and mate have natter and wine?

@Hardbackwriter

You're so insistent on your DD centring her own feelings but then you're cross that A told her she was a bad friend and that upset your daughter. By your logic shouldn't A have the right to express herself? Wouldn't it be a terrible oppression if she was expected not to say how she felt because it would upset someone else? Why shouldn't A prioritise her own feelings?

Yes, you are right. I didn't tell A off, I comforted DD when she was upset about it, but yes on reflection I need to tell DD that sometimes her wanting to be alone upsets may upset others

If there's another of this type of meet up, would it be better for the girls to say have half an hour together, ten mins break for example, rather than your daughter playing solidly until she'd had enough?

I think as a pp has said, in this case I would have said ok, break for 10/15mins, then play again for the remaining time.

But if you want to continue to make these girls be together for your own sakes, there there has to be more understanding that the friendship is yours not theirs.

Whilst this would be lovely, I'm a single mum and my friend's husband is a abusive useless prick who wouldn't watch his kids while she came to mine for a meal and glass of wine for example. Yes it's shit, yes I wish she'd leave him, and have told her this, but she won't (or she won't yet) so our only way of seeing each other is with the kids If he is an abusive prick she might well feel she doesn't want to leave her dc with him. And that if she left she would be forced to do 50/50 which again she might see as less than ideal.

My friend's daughter absolutely mither's DD when we meet up- she's glued to her, keeps trying to stroke her hair, cries and guilts DD at the drop of a hat. I've told DD she's to tell me if she ever wants to get away and have a minute- it'd be draining for an adult, never mind a child.

Child B is being brought up as a taker not a giver - she can play with her friends so long as it suits her but abandon them when she's fed up with them even if it makes them feel awkward and unwanted.

The converse view could be that Child A is being brought up to think that the function of other people is to keep her amused as long as she wants to be amused, that she can't be expected to amuse herself, and that it's OK to try to manipulate other people by prolonged crying at her mother.

There is absolutely.no reason to call our your friend for allowing your DD to feel bad. You allowed her DD to feel bad as well . Kettle and black come to mind.

My view here is that neither parent or child is wrong. Child A is perfectly entitled to be upset that Child B doesn't want to play with them . If they are crying too loudly and for too long in your opinion , it is probably that they have more difficulty regulating their emotions than your DD has. That doesn't make then a bad child. Child B got what they wanted, both adults could have helped child A cope better with her disappointment or is it only child B that is allowed to express what they want?

Other people hurt feeling are not your child's responsibility though @GlummyMcGlummerson. It's a much better that child A learns to cope with perfectly normal play behaviour than yours learns to put her needs second.

I would feel differently if you child had needed to play by herself in the first hour or so.

@MoonJelly. Fwiw, I don't think Child A behaved very well either. But she wasn't prepared to be left on her own like that. If I were Child A's mum and determined to meet up with Child B's mum, I'd prepare my child a bit better. Something like "Now, you know Child B is quite unfriendly sometimes and prefers to play on her own, so let's take a few of your favourite books and some pens with us and then it's up to you if you want to play with her or just sit next to me and read".

Just because you have paid for 2.5 hours doesn’t mean you have to stay for the full 2.5 hours.

I didn't notice the age at first and assumed this was preschoolers as 8 seems a bit old for soft play and my initial thought was that little kids will often need tone on their own or won't understand about playing together but at age 8 I can understand child a being fed up if child b ditches them and it's old enough to get social etiquette such as this. I do wonder though are you and the mum better friends than the kids? It may be yours both assuming the kids get on because you do and at this age the kids start to be a bit more choosy in who they want to play with.
Mum a shouldn't be telling child b off but if I was mum a I'd be quietly a bit fed up

@rooarsome

My friend's daughter absolutely mither's DD when we meet up- she's glued to her, keeps trying to stroke her hair, cries and guilts DD at the drop of a hat. I've told DD she's to tell me if she ever wants to get away and have a minute- it'd be draining for an adult, never mind a child.

Then what you can do as a parent is not meet up with your friend with your dd. You know your dd and your friend's dd isn't compatible. That's totally unfair for both children.

What a lot of horrible judgey posts on here.

Why shouldn't the OP want to have a cup of tea and a chat with her friend at half term? Especially when we've all been locked down endlessly. Why should she have to spend half term isolated from all other adults as well?

There's nothing selfish about doing something that's basically fun for the children while you also get to do something a bit pleasurable. Barring disasters, everyone is on the whole pretty happy in that situation.

I would be muttering to myself about Mum A for having involved herself to that extent, and about Child A for being a whingebag.

However, I'd also know - and I am sure you also know - that if the stars were aligned slightly differently, none of that would have happened. Even children who are "best friends" can have off days; sometimes lovely days with children can turn into something hellish (I still remember one of my children's friends drawing blood when he bit her because she was on the seesaw and he wanted a turn). On the whole it's best to move on and not over-analyse.

OP, you are evidently not teaching your "ill-mannered" DD that it's ok to abandon her friends and duck out of doing anything she doesn't like the sound of. The people who are saying this are being either goady (behind the cloak of anonymity) or haven't read your posts.

I'd also forget about Child A telling your DD that she's a bad friend. They are eight! You will have many, many years of this to come (Years 8 and 9 were the worst with girls, I think).

I don't get how you play alone or even play with someone else at soft play.

Generally the kids just run around behind each other or hang around in pool pit chatting.

So there could have been many situations where child A felt child B was excluding her.

For example if child B was in ball out with child A and said it - it's rude. It's basically telling them to piss off in a public place where they have a right to be.

If child A was following child B onto slide etc it's same as above.

If they were shooting each other with balls etc and child B wanted that to stop she can say so.

But after years of working soft plays as a teen and taking ds I dont see how child B can 'play alone' without it actually being a 'piss off' type of situation.

Mh ds has autism. He has a limit of people. But I always taught him in a public space he cannot stop others being near him, sharing equipment etc and he has to leave if it's too much.

And at home if he wants someone over he socialises. If it's too much he ends the play date.