Soft play situation - who is in the right?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

Two mums meet at soft play with their 8yo girls - MumA & ChildA, and MumB & ChildB.

The slot is 2.5 hours, and after 2 hours ChildA comes to the adults crying because ChildB isn't playing with her anymore. ChildB approaches the table and MumA says "ChildA is upset because she says you won't play with her." ChildB responds "Yes I just want to play on my own for a bit". MumA says it's not nice to ditch your friend. MumB says that ChildB often gets tired of company and likes to do her own thing sometimes, and she's been taught to speak up if she ever feels like having alone time.

ChildA spends the rest of the session crying while ChildB goes to play on her own. ChildA says to her at the end that she isn't a good friend, which upsets ChildB.

Who was in the right, and should either mum have done anything differently?

What if it was her birthday party? Could she tell everyone to go home halfway through because she 'needed space'?

@GlummyMcGlummerson I agree that it would be good to teach your child to think about others feelings.

But this was a 50-50 situation, both children needed to learn something from it and both parents should've focused on their own children.

The main thing for me is the sheer cheek of your 'friend' she should know better as an adult. IMO she is selfish and rude. I would be wary of her in the future, if you don't choose to cut ties. Can you imagine what she would be like when your daughters are young teens? This is a massive yellow flag.

@Tinty

Well if you are Mum A you will obviously wants us to say Child B was wrong and mean. If you are Mum B, you want us to say Child A was wrong and Chold B should be allowed to ditch her friend.

So i will say this, 2.5 hours is probably too long for a soft play session and both parents should have resolved the situation by leaving when the children started falling out.

Child A, needs to learn that if your friend does not want to play for a bit, then she should find other friends for a while or entertain herself and child B should learn that if you go somewhere with someone you should stay with them, and play and it’s not nice to upset your friend.

Definitely this!!

@ClaireP20

Both mums were wrong - 2.5 hours is too long for a soft play session for 8 year olds. They may well play for that length of time, but usually become tired, irritable within 1.5 hours. Especially as they're a bit old for soft play so that would become boring to them. When I go with my kids, I play intermittently with them. I think both parents, rather than drinking coffee and chatting for 2.5 hours, should also take some of that time to play with their kids rather than expect the 8 year olds to play together (ps i am not meaning to be rude or suggest neither mum plays with their kids btw!). I just mean that parents expecting 8 year olds to go off and play for 2.5 hours with each other is a bit much.

We weren't allowed to go into the soft play area unless our children were in distress.

And TBF my 4yo doesn't need me to play with him, my 8yo certainly doesn't, she isn't a toddler!

My DD was fine and not upset (until the very end when she was told she wasn't a good friend)

But child A felt that B wasn’t a good friend though. Maybe A mums is also giving A the same up bringing where she is encouraged to say how she feels. You can t have it both ways.
You can’t have a system where a child dumps one child and They other child doesn’t get to say anything back.
Child A was has the same rights as B to say how she’s feel. Child B has to learn that her behaviour isn’t in isolation and that it ca men be hurtful to others and others have a right to tell her.
You can’t have it both ways

Weird thread. 2.5 hrs in a soft play with 2 DC of different ages sounds perfectly reasonable to me. As does a parent enjoying a cup of tea and a chat.

I’m with Child B as my DC is similar. She has a child A friend. The last time we met up with them was at an adventure park. After a couple of hours my DC wanted a break from child A. So she came over to me (she’s slightly younger and not as articulate as an 8 yr old).
Child A was unhappy and came over to challenge my child for walking off. I said they needed a break.

Child A then screamed the place down. Started lashing out. Her mum tired to calm her down and she then kicked her mum. We did have to leave. It was very awkward and in honesty we haven’t met up with them since.

Despite that, my child wasn’t wrong for saying she needed a break. And she wasn’t responsible for child A’s reaction to that.

YANBU OP.

Soft play can be nice to explore on your own. If you've done 2 hours compromising with a friend it's nice to go off and do stuff at your own pace for a bit. Whether that is slower or faster is your choice... Soft play isn't necessarily a group activity (unless you're an adult in need of an excuse to escort your DC!)

For example skiing. DH is better/braver than me but very polite about staying with me, so at a convenient juncture (in the vicinity of an unpisted black I don't fancy battling today/ever) I get a "need" for a hot chocolate/cake and meet him after he's done a fast lap or 2. Or I head back a little bit early and he stays out for a few extra runs.

@Alternista

It was obvious you were MumB from the start.

The middle of a soft play date isn’t a great time to choose to ditch your friend and go off on your own. I’d have been asking my DD to consider whether she really needed it right that second or whether she could wait another half an hour till we were leaving anyway to get her alone time.

IF she couldn’t wait, I still think the point at which a child was upset by the thing both Mums should have stepped in. Personally in that instance I’d have had child A sit with us for quarter of an hour for a drink and a snack, as Mum B I’d have made special effort to chat to Child A for a bit about how school was, what was she looking forward to over half term, etc etc, then I’d have asked my child to come and play again for a bit before they left.

Boundaries, manners and kindness can all co-exist.

FWIW, ChildA did sit with us for the remainder of the session, which as a PP pointed out the actually playing was only about 15 mins because of dragging them back to get shoes and coats on (no easy feat with 4yos 🙄). She sobbed and moaned about my DD the whole time and I did try to engage with her (it's not really the right time for adult chat is it) and talk to her about what she's doing for half term but she completely ignored me

I agree with freddiefox! Both parents are at fault

@pictish

I think you’ve had good advice on this thread regarding the scenario. Most people, including socialised children, do not turn to their companion on an arranged outing or event and say, “I’d like to be on my own now” while remaining on the premises. That’s odd and rather a snub actually.

You describe the other little girl as ‘boohooing’ - I think she was taken aback and hurt by your dd’s behaviour.

But you carry on.

The "boo hooing" was actually in response to another poster who used that term. Not me

Child A sounds a bit wet, tbh. If I'd been Child A's mum, I would have told her that, regardless of whether Child B chose to be rude or not, she should remember her manners and not be tedious about it. But next time I would be offering Child A a choice about whether she wanted to play with Child B or not and on what terms.

@Hardbackwriter

I'm finding it quite hard to imagine what playing alone would look like for an 8 year old at any soft play I've been to - I think that's old enough that most DC would feel a bit self-conscious just running around it alone over and over again? It's not like with toddlers. I'm not saying that means that the only solution is to force B to play - as people have said, maybe A's mum should have offered her a drink or gone to play with her - but I can also see that for A it was likely to mean half an hour just sat on her own and why she felt a bit upset about that.

DD is far from self conscious and she doesn't mind at all being seen as playing alone. She does it in the playground at school occasionally

As a teacher I never make a child play with someone if they don’t want to

Teacher here too - I also agree that no one has to include people they don't want to include. Some schools equate exclusion with bullying but I think that's a dangerous precedent to set

Would Child B's mum have considered it rude if, having ditched her friend, Child B then became upset later on because Child A was happily reading and no longer wanted to play with Child B?

No, I would have told her that, like her , ChildA is having down time and she needs to play with someone else.

I'm with child B, she had played for 2 hours and wanted some alone time. Child A is going to have trouble later on in life if she cries/gets upset everytime someone doesn't want to play with her. Her mum should have just explained they had played nicely for 2 hours but she just wants 15 minutes to play by herself. I wouldn't have expected you to leave if I was mum A, but I would have taken my daughter away if she couldn't stop crying.
I go to the park with my nephew and son, sometimes my son wants some alone time to play, I let him and vice versa. There's nothing wrong with that.

I just don't think that you can compare this with most adult-based social situations. In a play venue with a lot of activities, surely the whole idea is that each child does what they enjoy doing rather than having to stick to another child like glue? As I read it, this wasn't really a social get-together for the children, it was more of a case of both parents wanting to take their children somewhere that would keep them amused and occupied with the added bonus that it would give the parents somewhere where they could meet up and chat. It wasn't as if B was begging her mother for a chance to play with A

Exactly this! The children didn't ask to meet, we arranged it.

Also I don't agree with most of adult comparisons - if you met a friend for a night out and decided you didn't want their company anymore, and said I'm going home early in shattered, a decent friend would say ok that's fine. Children don't have the power to dictate their own days, my 8yo can't just pop in the car and drive home. The next best thing in her power was to ask for a bit of space.

Teacher here too - I also agree that no one has to include people they don't want to include. Some schools equate exclusion with bullying but I think that's a dangerous precedent to set

I'm amazed at this. Children are legally obliged to be at school. There's no escape from that environment for them, no deciding that they're rather retreat to the safety of home. Do you mean that you allow some children to exist, day after day, in an environment where they're left out, lonely, excluded, humiliated and have their confidence and self-worth undermined and destroyed? Because that's what exclusion does.

It was obvious you were mum B from the start tbh.

I don't know that there's any point asking who's right. You are not the children, it's clear to see why each of them behaved as they did. There's no 'goody' or 'baddy' in the scenario.

Mum A needs to teach her kid strategies (that are not crying) to deal with rejection. Since your DD was upset to be told she was a bad friend maybe you need to teach her how to ride out the uncomfortable feeling that being assertive about your own needs often comes with. Or choose which thing is more important to her, the time alone or the 'being a good friend'.

BTW sorry for all the million posts I'm responding one by one rather than a mammoth post 🤣

@MessAllOver

Child A sounds a bit wet, tbh. If I'd been Child A's mum, I would have told her that, regardless of whether Child B chose to be rude or not, she should remember her manners and not be tedious about it. But next time I would be offering Child A a choice about whether she wanted to play with Child B or not and on what terms.

And equally if I was child A’s mum I would be giving her the choice about whether she wanted to meet with child B’s family reminding her that last time child B wanted time to herself which may upset her, (and got her a telling of for moaning when she got home) and whether she wants to put herself in the same situation. Tbh if I was child B’s mum I would also think twice. I hate my children moaning and boo hooing at me.

@Porridgeoat

Also it might be worth considering that child A is a bit too posessive and doesn’t allow child B to breathe or do activities independently

I do suspect this from the odd things DD has told me, but she can be quite guarded about her friendships and isn't the type to whine about people to me.

@MessAllOver

Teacher here too - I also agree that no one has to include people they don't want to include. Some schools equate exclusion with bullying but I think that's a dangerous precedent to set

I'm amazed at this. Children are legally obliged to be at school. There's no escape from that environment for them, no deciding that they're rather retreat to the safety of home. Do you mean that you allow some children to exist, day after day, in an environment where they're left out, lonely, excluded, humiliated and have their confidence and self-worth undermined and destroyed? Because that's what exclusion does.

Fully agree.

@MessAllOver
I would say that regularly leaving a child out - 'we don't want to play with you' and leaving that child alone on the playground = bullying.

Sometimes saying 'I'm playing with X today' or 'I want to play by myself' is not bullying.

Some parents view the latter as bullying which is what I think the PP was referring to.

@Lucindainthesky

Both mums were in the wrong for going to a soft play during a pandemic.

Both kids sound unreasonable, B for ditching their friend and A for being wet

HTH

This.

I’m an introvert who would have hated soft play if it had existed in my day, but i also know that if I’d gone on an outing with a friend and stopped playing with them after a couple of hours, I’d have gone home with a sore backside.

Although there's no legal obligation to educate a child at school.