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Original poster

Soft play situation - who is in the right?

567 replies

GlummyMcGlummerson · 24/10/2020 23:19

Two mums meet at soft play with their 8yo girls - MumA & ChildA, and MumB & ChildB.

The slot is 2.5 hours, and after 2 hours ChildA comes to the adults crying because ChildB isn't playing with her anymore. ChildB approaches the table and MumA says "ChildA is upset because she says you won't play with her." ChildB responds "Yes I just want to play on my own for a bit". MumA says it's not nice to ditch your friend. MumB says that ChildB often gets tired of company and likes to do her own thing sometimes, and she's been taught to speak up if she ever feels like having alone time.

ChildA spends the rest of the session crying while ChildB goes to play on her own. ChildA says to her at the end that she isn't a good friend, which upsets ChildB.

Who was in the right, and should either mum have done anything differently?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 18:15

@GlummyMcGlummerson

GrinWine
Why thank you, the honest truth is I don’t think it’s a big deal really, both kids are eight and just need a bit more understanding of how their behaviour impacts others. Because, well they are eight...

Shall enjoy my Merlot whilst waiting for my husband to get off his bloody x box and come watch the secret garden with me. Now he is being rude,,,😂

rewild · 25/10/2020 18:24

wow this is a really long thread!

Walkaround · 25/10/2020 18:24

@Poppinjay - except that’s teaching the OP’s dd to be a people pleaser who decides whether or not to ignore their own desires in accordance with how obnoxious and shouty the response to them expressing them is. I wouldn’t teach that lesson to my child - I would expect them to put themselves in the other person’s shoes (ie have a bit of empathy) and consider why they might be responding like that, rather than telling them it might not be worth standing up for yourself if the other person is particularly whiny.

Poppinjay · 25/10/2020 18:29

except that’s teaching the OP’s dd to be a people pleaser who decides whether or not to ignore their own desires in accordance with how obnoxious and shouty the response to them expressing them is.

I don't think making someone aware that them being assertive might result in unpleasant behaviour necessarily teaches them to be a people pleaser.

Being prepared and talking through how to manage it should help build her confidence about being assertive.

MsTSwift · 25/10/2020 18:34

You do seem to have an awful lot of issues with this particular friend and her dd (who clearly really annoys you)

Walkaround · 25/10/2020 18:35

@Poppinjay - in other words, you have no empathy whatsoever for child A.

Original poster
GlummyMcGlummerson · 25/10/2020 18:35

Ooh is secret garden streaming?? We watched the original the other day hope it shapes up!

OP posts:
Poppinjay · 25/10/2020 18:37

@Walkaround, if you say so.

EarringsandLipstick · 25/10/2020 18:44

Glummy

Me too! I also feel shaky and anxious after even a small bit of wine.

I'm really fed up about it! It was a small indulgence & I'm cross it's affecting me like this.

I do still have a glass anyway but ridiculous after-effects. Damn mid-40s hormones 😀🤦🏻‍♀️

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 18:50

Yup, watching it now on sky..

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 18:50

Seems good so far.

mylittleavalon · 25/10/2020 18:52

@rewild

wow this is a really long thread!
With a lovely end!
Tinkerbell1980 · 26/10/2020 17:45

It sounds to me like you're doing a marvellous job teaching your DD to communicate how she feels, and recognise that she has needs and can address them without worrying about offending anyone. We need more girls like these, society will benefit from the example and indeed, their existence

Jack80 · 26/10/2020 17:46

If the children have played together then they should also be able to play alone.

Tubs11 · 26/10/2020 17:50

is this for real? what sort of values are you teaching your kids for the future.

Rosebel · 26/10/2020 18:17

If you go somewhere with a friend you don't just dump them. Given it was only 30 more minutes I think B could have made the effort.
Presumably she'll have time to herself the rest of the day /week.

swelchphr · 26/10/2020 18:21

Good for ChildB for knowing her boundaries and expressing them. It was fine for MumA to ask ChildA about it, but then the appropriate next step should be MumA to encourage ChildA to find something else to do for a bit. It’s important that we show our children that we need to respect others and their personal space.

jwpetal · 26/10/2020 18:22

My DH is on the the spectrum. She is high functioning and generally is fine with places. She does get to a point where she wants to play on her own. Some children need this. We have learned to set the scene before we go to an event, or someone's house or to meet with friends. With practice, we avoid some issues but have some epic fails. At the age of both girls, there are lessons to be learned. Both are right, just on a spectrum or continuum. Learning to be tolerant is hard for adults but particularly the younger. I don't think either is wrong. Both just needs some work.

Celestine70 · 26/10/2020 18:28

Mum A should have told her child you have to respect people's space. Then they should have all just left.

angep1969 · 26/10/2020 18:37

Yep no question that Mum B is in the right. My son would find it virtually impossible to play with another child for 2.5 hours. In fact an hour would be good going before he'd be ready to leave!

ddl1 · 26/10/2020 19:49

I think that the reason for Child A's rather extreme reaction might be that, with other children, 'I don't want to play with you any more!' has been used to taunt or reject. It's a fairly common taunt, though more often used to desert a friend for 'better' company than to be on one's own.

Since Child B has a (perfectly valid, but at this age slightly unusual) need to be on her own at times, this should be explained to Child A, or ideally already should have been explained to her. Child A should not expect others to constantly amuse her, but she also should not be expected to put up with capricious rejection, which is how she may see it if it's not explained to her. And Child B should be taught to withdraw from the situation when she wants to be alone: to move away rather than expect others to move or leave to accommodate her.

I suspect that both Child A and Child B have somewhat reduced social skills due to all those months in lockdown. I had a lot of health-related social isolation as a child, and, probably as a result, I was both Child A and Child B at different times.

Her1mum · 26/10/2020 19:50

If I were Mum B I’d be encouraging Child B to be aware that Child A was upset and see if I could encourage her to be kind and polite to Child A

GingerWit · 26/10/2020 19:56

@GlummyMcGlummerson

Two mums meet at soft play with their 8yo girls - MumA & ChildA, and MumB & ChildB.

The slot is 2.5 hours, and after 2 hours ChildA comes to the adults crying because ChildB isn't playing with her anymore. ChildB approaches the table and MumA says "ChildA is upset because she says you won't play with her." ChildB responds "Yes I just want to play on my own for a bit". MumA says it's not nice to ditch your friend. MumB says that ChildB often gets tired of company and likes to do her own thing sometimes, and she's been taught to speak up if she ever feels like having alone time.

ChildA spends the rest of the session crying while ChildB goes to play on her own. ChildA says to her at the end that she isn't a good friend, which upsets ChildB.

Who was in the right, and should either mum have done anything differently?

What snowflake hell is this?

Soft play for 8 year old....what!?!?!??! Or should I say 96 month old's?

Child B needs a lesson on social behaviour and relationships, otherwise they are going to find it very hard to deal with anyone for more than 2 hours going forward (Unless they have autism or some other mental heath/illness/disorder issue.) What will they do when they have a job!? "Sorry, gotta go...2 hours is enough for me." I have experience in this field, before anyone jumps on my back.

Child A wanted to establish a friendship and child B sounded moody and awkward. Don't take your child to play with another unless you can establish appropriate play time behaviour with them. Child A would not have understood why Child B was acting the way they were. Child A had a very clear picture in their head of a few hours playtime with a friend.

It's not going to cause any damage to be firm with a child. If Child B was going to be Antisocial, if it were my child, I would have had a firm talk with them to be polite and play....or I would have marched them home.

2.5hrs isn't much at all...children should be out exercising through play and at that age they should be able to handle 2.5hrs.

Buffs · 26/10/2020 20:21

Child B is in the right. Child A sounds high maintenance and manipulative and mumA shouldn’t be lecturing child B.

MissSarahThane · 26/10/2020 21:17

if you and i were friends and went to a bar together and after a time i said ' i don't want to leave, i'm still having a lovely time, i just don't want to be with you anymore' would that be ok?

If I've spent the day with a friend and we're both tired, there might be a time over dinner and a drink when we'll take a break from conversation and spend a bit of time looking at our phones or our tablets, while we wait for dessert or whatever. Neither of us wants to leave, or go and sit at a different table, neither of us is offended, we just want a bit of a break to recharge because we've been talking for hours.

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