Soft play situation - who is in the right?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

Two mums meet at soft play with their 8yo girls - MumA & ChildA, and MumB & ChildB.

The slot is 2.5 hours, and after 2 hours ChildA comes to the adults crying because ChildB isn't playing with her anymore. ChildB approaches the table and MumA says "ChildA is upset because she says you won't play with her." ChildB responds "Yes I just want to play on my own for a bit". MumA says it's not nice to ditch your friend. MumB says that ChildB often gets tired of company and likes to do her own thing sometimes, and she's been taught to speak up if she ever feels like having alone time.

ChildA spends the rest of the session crying while ChildB goes to play on her own. ChildA says to her at the end that she isn't a good friend, which upsets ChildB.

Who was in the right, and should either mum have done anything differently?

if you and i were friends and went to a bar together and after a time i said ' i don't want to leave, i'm still having a lovely time, i just don't want to be with you anymore' would that be ok?

@MJMG2015

I don't think either of you covered yourselves in glory tbh

Mum A should have diffused the situation asking A if she wanted a drink, had seen any friends from school or had gone down the death slide yet etc? Then suggested she went to see if anyone wanted to play together in the shooting area (needs a runner/target & a shooter - always kids looking for playmates)

Parent B should have said it wasn't nice to meet up to play then say you don't want to, that she had the rest of the day to do her own thing.

Child A needs to learn a bit of resilience & self reliance & B needs to learn some manners.

This really. At soft play child B can't really be alone anyway. It's not the place for it. Would be better for child B to learn to ask to go home soon, rather than refusing to play.

@GlummyMcGlummerson - why do you keep defending yourself by saying your dd’s behaviour was not like being an adult, because she can’t make an excuse and leave like an adult could when they have had enough in a social situation, when you have also explicitly stated that your dd didn’t want to go home, anyway, she was quite happy to stay and play, she just didn’t want to play with child A? You can’t have it both ways - either she is powerless to get away politely like an adult can, so has to be a bit rude to her friend, or she is not powerless at all, she just wants to dump an annoying hanger on, because she wants to have fun without her whilst remaining in the same place at the same time.

@GlummyMcGlummerson

I read your post this morning & some of your responses, and was a bit on the fence about them & your tone.

But I fully agree with the PP who said this:

I think it's a shame that people have kept going on at OP on the thread, because I think halfway through she had reached a reasonable position - that her daughter wasn't wrong to want alone time but she did need to talk to her about it hurting other people's feelings depending on how it's done and to think about the possible consequences if other people didn't like this behaviour and so chose not to spend time with her.

I think you had a think & came to a very reasonable conclusion about it all.

Then you've had a whole pile of posters coming on to really attack you, very unfairly.

You've stuck around trying to defend yourself - which you need to, as people are making really wild statements, and fair play to you for that. (@Bluntness100 as much as I often agree with your viewpoint, you are totally out of order here)

Sorry about some of the nasty posts.

Your DD wasn't wrong, but yes, you & she might need to figure out the best way to navigate these situations in the future.

Ignore the mad posters & have a good evening 😘

@Bluntness100

Looks like we have a live one folks

Op. Aibu
Mn yes
Op. Am I fuck.

😂😂😂😂

Nonsense. This is such a lazy, unpleasant sort of post, particularly given that it would take you a very short time to ascertain that actually a substantial proportion of the responses support OP.

@Bluntness100

Looks like we have a live one folks

Op. Aibu
Mn yes
Op. Am I fuck.

😂😂😂😂

Bluntness.

Not all of MN

I think OP is being reasonable & has taken on board lots of viewpoints.

I think you've been pretty vicious, to be honest.

Cross post w MoonJelly.

Agreed.

Ok. Fair enough. Op, I apolgise if I hurt your feelings.

[quote Walkaround]@GlummyMcGlummerson - why do you keep defending yourself by saying your dd’s behaviour was not like being an adult, because she can’t make an excuse and leave like an adult could when they have had enough in a social situation, when you have also explicitly stated that your dd didn’t want to go home, anyway, she was quite happy to stay and play, she just didn’t want to play with child A? You can’t have it both ways - either she is powerless to get away politely like an adult can, so has to be a bit rude to her friend, or she is not powerless at all, she just wants to dump an annoying hanger on, because she wants to have fun without her whilst remaining in the same place at the same time.[/quote]
Im not making excuses, I don't think she was rude or did anything wrong

@Bluntness100

Ok. Fair enough. Op, I apolgise if I hurt your feelings.

Fair play Bluntness. That's a decent thing to do. 👏

@Bluntness100

Looks like we have a live one folks

Op. Aibu
Mn yes
Op. Am I fuck.

😂😂😂😂

This is not AIBU.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣🤣😂🤣🤣😂🤣🤣😂🤣🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂😂🤣😂😂

Thanks @EarringsandLipstick my bottle of Merlot will be fine company I think and no risk of me and Merlot falling out

I’ve also asked to take my post down, I was actually amused when I wrote it it was supposed to be light hearted.

Op in all honesty I’d agree you did reach a reasonable conclusion and talking to your daughter about how her actions impact on others is the right thing to do.

@Bluntness100

Ok. Fair enough. Op, I apolgise if I hurt your feelings.

I'm honestly not hurt, I'm pretty thick skinned, I just get irritated when the ridiculousness of MN strikes - making scenarios up, weird accusations, over dramatising what actually happened etc. It's frustrating, I expected a dozen replies or so, I bet my friend and her DD have probably forgotten about the whole thing anyway!

BUT many posters have given me food for thought and I have reflected on the conversations I need to have with my DD at some point.

I think you’re doing a great job. Your DD will grow up able to recognise her own needs and to be assertive and polite about ensuring they are met. Far better that she can go out with friends knowing that she can leave if she needs to or having already communicated that she may not stick out the whole night. The alternative could be that she doesn’t feel able to join nights out because she can’t find a way to leave early and ends up socially isolated.
It may well be that playing with child A is hard work for anyone and that being with someone who is able to explain when they need a break will help improve her social skills in the long run.

No child should be made to play with another. It’s a great recipe for enabling bullying. I have two children who have sometimes needed breaks during playdates. At that point, I have always stepped in to entertain the other child or organise a less demanding joint activity.
Children often visit soft-pay centres on their own and either play alone or link up with other children. Child A should have been encouraged do that by her mother.

There are too many people on this thread that don't understand the difference between teaching children to be confident and assertive and allowin them to behave like spoiled brats. You do and that's all that matters.

@GlummyMcGlummerson

Ahhh. Now this is sweet.

Bluntness, I like your style. 🙌

@GlummyMcGlummerson

Thanks *@EarringsandLipstick* my bottle of Merlot will be fine company I think and no risk of me and Merlot falling out

😂

Glad to hear it @GlummyMcGlummerson

Another single parent raising a glass at a distance (mine is only water as my beloved red wine, even a glass of it, is wreaking havoc with me 😕)

@GlummyMcGlummerson - yes, you came to a reasonable conclusion ages ago in deciding to talk to your dd about the way she comes across when blowing another child off in a way an adult would be too polite to do, but your justifications for your child’s behaviour are just a bit off, given that you are simultaneously trying to argue that your child did absolutely nothing wrong! Why agree you need to talk to her if that’s the case? Your child did do something wrong and the other child over-reacted. It wasn’t a big issue in the scheme of things, it was just a fairly typical sort of scenario amongst 8-year old girls, but by trying so hard to defend your dd by arguing you actually think she did nothing whatsoever wrong and the other dd was the unreasonable, ill-mannered one does you no favours!

**
Regardless of how you handled the situation with your daughter, anyone who knows to always fill a wine glass to the top is a good soul.

@EarringsandLipstick I had to stop drinking in lockdown as I was getting migraines but we are starting to get reacquainted again

[quote Walkaround]@GlummyMcGlummerson - yes, you came to a reasonable conclusion ages ago in deciding to talk to your dd about the way she comes across when blowing another child off in a way an adult would be too polite to do, but your justifications for your child’s behaviour are just a bit off, given that you are simultaneously trying to argue that your child did absolutely nothing wrong! Why agree you need to talk to her if that’s the case? Your child did do something wrong and the other child over-reacted. It wasn’t a big issue in the scheme of things, it was just a fairly typical sort of scenario amongst 8-year old girls, but by trying so hard to defend your dd by arguing you actually think she did nothing whatsoever wrong and the other dd was the unreasonable, ill-mannered one does you no favours![/quote]
I don't think saying "I want to play alone now" is wrong. Hat I want to speak to her about is more of a warning - that while she sees it as totally reasonable to speak up about wanting space from people, and it is, they may very well not see it that way and she needs to know there may be a bad reaction, and weigh up wether it's worth it on that basis.

@GlummyMcGlummerson - in other words, you want her to have a bit more empathy for others and consider how the way she expresses herself comes across.

The OP's DD did the right thing by saying that she wanted to play on her own. If more children could recognise that they were reaching their limit and needed a break, fewer would dissolve into meltdown, with the resultant behavioural issues.

What the child needs to be prepared for is that other people won't always respond appropriately to her expressing her needs and asking for space. Understanding this will help her to make judgments around whether and when to meet her own needs or keep others happy and, hopefully, help her to feel more resilient when others respond badly because they haven't been taught the skills she has.