Soft play situation - who is in the right?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

Two mums meet at soft play with their 8yo girls - MumA & ChildA, and MumB & ChildB.

The slot is 2.5 hours, and after 2 hours ChildA comes to the adults crying because ChildB isn't playing with her anymore. ChildB approaches the table and MumA says "ChildA is upset because she says you won't play with her." ChildB responds "Yes I just want to play on my own for a bit". MumA says it's not nice to ditch your friend. MumB says that ChildB often gets tired of company and likes to do her own thing sometimes, and she's been taught to speak up if she ever feels like having alone time.

ChildA spends the rest of the session crying while ChildB goes to play on her own. ChildA says to her at the end that she isn't a good friend, which upsets ChildB.

Who was in the right, and should either mum have done anything differently?

Oh, but my DD had to hide it when she wanted to play alone

Not according to you no. But you expected the other little girl to?

And yes, I’m fine, just a bit bored. Thanks for asking.😂

But yes, I find it wrong that you’re teaching your kid that it’s ok to behave like this. When you don’t feel it’s ok for other kids to. And when you know it’s not ok for adults.

However I don’t believe that’s the truth of the matter, I suspect your daughter knows full well you don’t like this kid much, and she’s bribed with things like soft play to tolerate her, but you accept it when she’s had enough. Because in your own words, she’s given two hours of her time and done her bit.

@Bluntness100

Being a teacher doesn't mean I have to adore all children. I tried to engage, she ignored me - at the age of 8 that is pretty rude

What can we say op. She was putting her needs first.

Right.

Totally. So OP calls the other kid rude at 8yo for not engaging with her which is what her kid was doing to the OPs kid.....but apparently that’s ok and it’s asserting boundaries. Maybe kid A was asserting her boundaries. 🤷‍♀️

See what a fine line it is between rudeness and boundaries.

I would suggest that the abusive situation your friend and her kids are in is at the root of this issue at soft play.

You can’t fix someone’s life, but this woman’s kid(s) seems to be acquiring a self esteem issue. Personalising someone else’s boundaries as an rejection or reflection on them.

You’ve done right by your dd, by teaching her it’s ok to be “you” and to express what you need, and by the sounds of it she did so well.

Our boundaries often DO upset others, we all need to be mindful of this, but it doesn’t make the boundaries less valid

I don't really see how saying that your DD simply has to see this girl if the interactions are difficult - and you yourself think the girl is 'a pest' and a 'drama llama' - because it facilitates your friendship is compatible with teaching her how important her boundaries are and that she should never be made to feel uncomfortable?

I didn't expect her to be a performing monkey but yea it's rude to ignore people. Which is not what my DD did, she simply asked for some space.

It’s exactly the same. Child A just didn’t have the confidence to verbalise that she wanted to be left alone by you. But her actions were the same as your child’s. I’d argue your child was ruder because by not verbalising it at 8yo is Child’s A way of trying not to be rude/trying not to hurt people. So when you’re a child better to say nothing than to say leave me alone?

@ThePlantsitter

Unless it all kicked off massively after you left the softplay I really think you are blowing the whole episode out of proportion. If you want your DD to learn how to be assertive and not hurt other people's feelings in the process fair enough but to cancel a whole trip for a much larger group of people because the two girls had what was really a minor and run of the mill softplay disagreement seems like overkill and, actually, making your I'm sure lovely DD and her wanting to be alone a bit special and powerful. 8 year old girls DO react dramatically to these type of events because they can't regulate their emotions yet but that doesn't mean their mums have to.

I mean this thread has gone the way of all mumsnet threads and become very dramatic so I can see why you might 'catch' the drama but really, in real life, you and the kids all need to learn how to deal with and get over this kind of minor incident.

Funnily enough apart from the children's dramatics, is was a pretty small event. This thread seems to have gone on to blown it way out of proportion. Have texted FriendA since quite happily, the issues haven't come up.

Re cancelling the museum - we have done a fair bit with this friend lately and I wonder if the kids are getting tired with each other a little, it can't hurt to give them some space. I haven't decided yet anyway.

@Bluntness100

Oh, but my DD had to hide it when she wanted to play alone

Not according to you no. But you expected the other little girl to?

And yes, I’m fine, just a bit bored. Thanks for asking.😂

But yes, I find it wrong that you’re teaching your kid that it’s ok to behave like this. When you don’t feel it’s ok for other kids to. And when you know it’s not ok for adults.

However I don’t believe that’s the truth of the matter, I suspect your daughter knows full well you don’t like this kid much, and she’s bribed with things like soft play to tolerate her, but you accept it when she’s had enough. Because in your own words, she’s given two hours of her time and done her bit.

My DD wasn't ignoring anybody, she just asked for some space

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🤣😂

I can tell you're bored

When I left my abusive ex, my family were MOST perturbed by my perfectly reasonable boundaries

My DD wasn't ignoring anybody, she just asked for some space

Cmon now op. You’re reaching there.

However I don’t believe that’s the truth of the matter, I suspect your daughter knows full well you don’t like this kid much, and she’s bribed with things like soft play to tolerate her, but you accept it when she’s had enough. Because in your own words, she’s given two hours of her time and done her bit

Ah, don't you just love it when posters make things up on the spot because it suits their viewpoint of you.

How embarrassing!

@MzHz

I would suggest that the abusive situation your friend and her kids are in is at the root of this issue at soft play.

You can’t fix someone’s life, but this woman’s kid(s) seems to be acquiring a self esteem issue. Personalising someone else’s boundaries as an rejection or reflection on them.

You’ve done right by your dd, by teaching her it’s ok to be “you” and to express what you need, and by the sounds of it she did so well.

Our boundaries often DO upset others, we all need to be mindful of this, but it doesn’t make the boundaries less valid

I think you're right, her father's attitude at home had most certainly had an impact on her character. Aside from being useless he's constantly grumpy and I suspect it's not a very happy home life for any of them

The op, if it’s not that, you’re on here running this little girl down as hard as you can for doing the same thing to you as your child did to her. Apparantly because she didn’t actually say to you I want you to leave me alone, it means it was rude?

Look teach your kid about other folks feelings and the impact of their behaviour. Stop slagging off your friends kid for being understandably upset.

@JacobReesMogadishu

I didn't expect her to be a performing monkey but yea it's rude to ignore people. Which is not what my DD did, she simply asked for some space.

It’s exactly the same. Child A just didn’t have the confidence to verbalise that she wanted to be left alone by you. But her actions were the same as your child’s. I’d argue your child was ruder because by not verbalising it at 8yo is Child’s A way of trying not to be rude/trying not to hurt people. So when you’re a child better to say nothing than to say leave me alone?

Fair point. But I don't think my child suddenly ignoring her friend is less rude than verbalising how she feels.

@Bluntness100

My DD wasn't ignoring anybody, she just asked for some space

Cmon now op. You’re reaching there.

How? She did ask for space

our only way of seeing each other is with the kids
That’s not your DD’s problem. You’re being incredibly selfish. She’s 8, she should not have to facilitate your friendships. You’re supposed to be the parent. If she doesn’t want to play with the other child then you’re selfish to make her just because you want to hang out with the mum. You can’t get together without the kids - tough, I guess you can’t get together then. Grow up and stop forcing this other child on your DD just so you can see your friend.

You gotta love MN. I post about my child wanting some space after playing with a friend for 2 hours. The conclusion is

• everyone went totally OTT
• my DD may as well have told her friend to fuck off
• I'm rude and probably leave my friends at pub tables
• very soon my DD will have NO FRIENDS because children don't change how they regulate their emotions one little bit between the ages of 8 and 13
• I hate children
• I bribe my DD to come to soft play
• I slag my friends child off to all and sundry, because I posted on an anonymous forum about an issue.

It's hilarious. Times like this make me realise I should just be a lurker and watch other people go batshit crazy rather than be a part of the batshittery

[quote Onceuponatimethen]@MoonJelly but isn’t that what agreeing to meet up with a friend is? More or less a deal that you will be together for that time?

If the dd was 3 then of course too young to understand that, but at 7-10 I would expect that to be understood[/quote]
But OP's child didn't agree to meet up with a friend. It was the fairly common situation where the parents wanted to meet up and decided to do so at the play centre so that the children could be occupied.

@WizWoz

our only way of seeing each other is with the kids That’s not your DD’s problem. You’re being incredibly selfish. She’s 8, she should not have to facilitate your friendships. You’re supposed to be the parent. If she doesn’t want to play with the other child then you’re selfish to make her just because you want to hang out with the mum. You can’t get together without the kids - tough, I guess you can’t get together then. Grow up and stop forcing this other child on your DD just so you can see your friend.

ODFOD. 95% of the time they play brilliantly and are great friends. I don't "make her"'play with anyone.

God how annoying when people read my posts then say "I've decided it says something else entirely, and it is my place to tell the OP off". Ridiculous

OP if you’d been Mum A you’d also have had your arse handed to you on a plate, it’s how it goes. People just like typing shit 🤷🏻‍♀️

Look teach your kid about other folks feelings and the impact of their behaviour. Stop slagging off your friends kid for being understandably upset.

What like teach them to be people pleasers? So they learn to bend themselves backwards to accommodate others

No. This is wrong and more likely to attract those who will manipulate and take advantage

Friends dd has a difficult home life, but she’s also lacking in an ability to express herself without ignoring OP. Perhaps because opinions in her home aren’t welcome or even allowed

We can’t do much about other peoples issues but we can try to understand why people react the way they do when we say “no.”

@Smellbellina

OP if you’d been Mum A you’d also have had your arse handed to you on a plate, it’s how it goes. People just like typing shit 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well, exactly - which is why I posted in the style I did. Sad little weirdos getting kicks out of making stuff up and telling people they're shit parents 🤣

God how annoying when people read my posts then say "I've decided it says something else entirely, and it is my place to tell the OP off"
You said very clearly that you can’t see your friend without the kids and your DD doesn’t want to play with the other child. So stop forcing the other child on her?

What like teach them to be people pleasers? So they learn to bend themselves backwards to accommodate others

No. This is wrong and more likely to attract those who will manipulate and take advantage

This is exactly why I teach my DD to vocalise when she's not comfortable and when she's had enough - and that won't change because some fruit cake on MN decided she's Very Rude because of a fucking soft play mini drama over something and nothing 🤣

@WizWoz

God how annoying when people read my posts then say "I've decided it says something else entirely, and it is my place to tell the OP off" You said very clearly that you can’t see your friend without the kids and your DD doesn’t want to play with the other child. So stop forcing the other child on her?

She didn't want to play with her yesterday for a few minutes. That's not someone who is being dragged kicking screaming to her idea of hell so pleases stop claiming it is, it's boring now.

Do 8 year olds really still enjoy soft play? I thought it was more for toddlers?
I am allergic to soft play so no idea!

I think whichever child (b?) wanted space was in the right and it’s good that they felt able to express that but on seeing that the other child was upset should have been encouraged (Not forced) to play together. If they still wantEd space then mum A should have got off of her bottom and entertained her child.