Soft play situation - who is in the right?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

Two mums meet at soft play with their 8yo girls - MumA & ChildA, and MumB & ChildB.

The slot is 2.5 hours, and after 2 hours ChildA comes to the adults crying because ChildB isn't playing with her anymore. ChildB approaches the table and MumA says "ChildA is upset because she says you won't play with her." ChildB responds "Yes I just want to play on my own for a bit". MumA says it's not nice to ditch your friend. MumB says that ChildB often gets tired of company and likes to do her own thing sometimes, and she's been taught to speak up if she ever feels like having alone time.

ChildA spends the rest of the session crying while ChildB goes to play on her own. ChildA says to her at the end that she isn't a good friend, which upsets ChildB.

Who was in the right, and should either mum have done anything differently?

The lesson you’re teaching is that her friends feelings don’t matter.

So do you think that children should accept a bully into their friendship circle because their feelings are less important?

I teach 14-18yos so don't have the playground issues to deal with, but I do have teenagers who feel harassed by their peers (not uncommon to have boys wanting to get in with the girls when the girls just want each other's company, especially when they boys are considered, and I quote, creepy) who they don't gel with or who they've had a history of problems with, and I never say "you need to include them in your group of friends because that's what they want and your feelings matter less".

@Frdd

And I suggested having the kids over and doing a sleepover.

You are being very very rude

I think you're being very rude actually, expecting me to say "what a good idea" when I don't think you've had any good ideas for me. I mean why did you suggest we meet when they're at school? Why do you assume me and my friend don't work and can do this?

@Frdd

And I suggested having the kids over and doing a sleepover.

You are being very very rude

We don't have the space unfortunately. I love my friend but don't fancy sharing a bed with her

Although we have been on holiday together and had some wine nights after the kids were in bed

You’re absolutely fixed in your own mindset.

You have no idea what your child said out if your earshot that made her friend come over in tears. And even if you know the words, you have absolutely no idea of tone.

It is normal for children whose parents are friends to start to drift at this age. If you don’t organise to do things that work for all the children, or see your friend on your own, your friend is going to drop you because her child is being upset by yours.

Good luck for the teen years. Being a teacher of teens is nothing like being a parent of teens and if you don’t start teaching your daughter how to navigate friendships now she’s going to struggle as a teen.

@Sittinbythesea

OP - in what way were any of the things I suggested lying? They were examples of politer ways of your dd achieving the result she wants. ‘I’m tired’ is much nicer than telling her friend that she doesn’t want to play with her. And presumably your dd stayed in the bit of soft play that she wanted and expected the other girl to leave - she could have just wandered back to you and said that she needed a bit of time to sit quietly. It is rude to tell someone that you are at an arranged activity with that you want to be on your own now, there’s no getting round the fact that it means ‘I’ve had enough of you’ of course A was upset - and we don’t know the tone of voice used either. I think in your effort to not be a ‘people pleaser’ (a sentence rarely used be people who are genuinely altruistic, incidentally) you have confused some great messages regarding consent / sexual boundaries / work place boundaries with the social niceties most people use to make the world a generally tolerable place. The tact and empathy we use to avoid pissing off our friends and people we actually want to like us isn’t ‘people pleasing’ it’s basic manners and it benefits us. Your child will have a tricky time if she goes round being this blunt to her friends.

Because if she said "I'm tired" the other child might say "me too let's go sit down together" when actually DD just wanted alone time to play.

If there is a next time then you clearly need to meet with more people so your dd can duck out and ChildA has options. I realize the more complicated set up means there's a chance for squabbles for A.

There's usually a group of us (2 other mums and their 2 kids each) it works so much better as there's plenty of friends to go around for the kids. But rule of six innit

@Frdd

The lesson you’re teaching is that her friends feelings don’t matter.

No it's not

@GlummyMcGlummerson

If there is a next time then you clearly need to meet with more people so your dd can duck out and ChildA has options. I realize the more complicated set up means there's a chance for squabbles for A.

There's usually a group of us (2 other mums and their 2 kids each) it works so much better as there's plenty of friends to go around for the kids. But rule of six innit

I was thinking maybe this is like that situation with adult friends where one keeps flaking on meetings and letting the other down. They don't have to stop being friends but it's not likely to work well as a one to one thing. Groups can work better but obviously not right now.

@Frdd

You’re absolutely fixed in your own mindset.

You have no idea what your child said out if your earshot that made her friend come over in tears. And even if you know the words, you have absolutely no idea of tone.

It is normal for children whose parents are friends to start to drift at this age. If you don’t organise to do things that work for all the children, or see your friend on your own, your friend is going to drop you because her child is being upset by yours.

Good luck for the teen years. Being a teacher of teens is nothing like being a parent of teens and if you don’t start teaching your daughter how to navigate friendships now she’s going to struggle as a teen.

Have you considered that I both teach my DD about forming good friendships but also to speak up when she doesn't feel uncomfortable.

You're absolutely fixed in countering whatever I say

Child b is fine to say they no longer want to play but I would manage the situation in a way as not to hurts the other kids feelings. At this point I would have taken the kids home or if I was the parent of A got in the soft play with them and encouraged them to play with their own siblings. If I had been Bs mum I would have told them they could play alone at home and asked them if they wanted to stay and play with A, if not we would have gone home.

I am a parent of one child who will play with other kids for hours and another who is more like child b. I never force my child similar to child b to play with others, it is not her job to entertain others and in this situation I would have preempted that my child would have needed her own space and left. I too am like my dd in this respect and whilst happy to socialise for a bit, feel drained after a while.

Stop it you two. I think you are tired and it is time to leave.

@MessAllOver

Teacher here too - I also agree that no one has to include people they don't want to include. Some schools equate exclusion with bullying but I think that's a dangerous precedent to set

I'm amazed at this. Children are legally obliged to be at school. There's no escape from that environment for them, no deciding that they're rather retreat to the safety of home. Do you mean that you allow some children to exist, day after day, in an environment where they're left out, lonely, excluded, humiliated and have their confidence and self-worth undermined and destroyed? Because that's what exclusion does.

This is the bullshit logic that required my child to associate, sit and be assigned to someone who was bullying her. No means no.

I'd say this is mummy's time with a friend too, so we will compromise and go in 10 minutes. I teach my children that I'm not just MumBot, that my day and my feelings matter too.

So you’d expect your child to negotiate and consider your feelings and needs, but not expect her to do the same with another child?

And your reference to not including children who bulky or who your children don’t like is irrelevant here - you’ve said this child and your child are friends. We compromise and respect people we’re friends with, if your daughter wanted to be alone I’d have given her the choice of playing for another 10 minutes - affording the other child the same consideration and respect you’d want your child to give to you, or taken her home.

Assertiveness isn’t about ignoring the needs of others around you or pleasing yourself regardless of the impact on others.

I agree you can't force people to include someone they don't get on with. It's not a real friendship if it's under duress. If a child has social difficulties then they need a competent adult to help them work through these and learn strategies. It shouldn't be their peers responsibility to socialise them

@Faultymain5. So you think all children excluded by their peers are bullies and have themselves to blame?

Thank you got all your comments, what I'm definitely taking from this is I need to chat to DD at some point about, while asserting her boundaries is crucial, she needs to consider that the consequences may be a hurt friend and take that into consideration.

@SnowHare

Stop it you two. I think you are tired and it is time to leave.

😂😂😂😂

[quote MessAllOver]@Faultymain5. So you think all children excluded by their peers are bullies and have themselves to blame?[/quote]
No but how, as a teacher, do YOU differentiate.

Some people just wind others up and don’t get on and some people prefer to be by themselves.

What do you think sitting\playing forcibly with a bully does to children.

Is there a formula for working this out? I doubt it and until there is children should be given the opportunity to choose their own tribes.

[quote MessAllOver]@Faultymain5. So you think all children excluded by their peers are bullies and have themselves to blame?[/quote]
I totally agree with @MessAllOver—child C being excluded by others at school is a different situation to child C making others uncomfortable by being a bully. It is not helpful to confuse the two as the OP does. Yes in the case of a bulky there is an issue of boundaries—but children who decide to exclude someone just because are being little shits, and there shouldn’t be anything controversial in dealing with this. It’s part of teaching empathy—“how would you feel if e dry one excluded yiu?”

@Faultymain5 This is the bullshit logic that required my child to associate, sit and be assigned to someone who was bullying her. No means no

This is exactly why I believe the "exclusion = bullying" is a dangerous precedent to set. Imagine your child being accused of being a bully because they didn't want a child who's nasty to them to be around them.

@GlummyMcGlummerson

Thank you got all your comments, what I'm definitely taking from this is I need to chat to DD at some point about, while asserting her boundaries is crucial, she needs to consider that the consequences may be a hurt friend and take that into consideration.

A friends little girl is maybe similar she’s 9 now. She likes her own space and to play what she wants to when she wants too. It’s great she has her own mind and know what she wants. Over time though these friends have looked elsewhere for friendships and now friend’s dd finds herself on the edge of all the friendship groups. Over time party invites have dwindled ( they do at that age anyway) but she has become very upset lately because no one wants to play with her and she’s found herself slightly isolated. I’m not saying this will be the same for your dd, but it it’s something to consider.

I definitely agree more with mum B (OP) because disciplining my child is my job and mum A crossed a line.

I've met a lot of self-absorbed entitled brats and adults in my life. Reading the full thread and the frothing from both sides makes me really understand how they were raised.

It would've been nice if both parents had comforted the other child, instead of focusing on their own and escalating the situation. Hopefully teaching both children empathy at the same time.