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Original poster

Gutted for my DS

302 replies

MillieVanilla · 15/10/2020 14:50

Sorry need to come to a safe space as I'm so upset.
DS is 12, second year he's a little softy
Due to getting points for not wearing a mask and being late for class, school said he would have to wear a sunflower lanyard to avoid this happening. I was quite dubious of them (no offense to anyone who wears them) because let's be honest, kids can be gits and bully for any reason.
So he's worn one for a fortnight.
Today I got a call- he's been badly beaten up, we had collect him as he has had a head injury.
His cheek is purple, black eye, he's dizzy, his leg has twisted too.
The boy who did it walked past laughing at him "look at him with his flower necklace".
Due to Aspergers, he didn't react, he doesn't ever. As a result the boy turned back around, grabbed him by his blazer and smacked his face into a wall then a bench. He then threw him on the ground, laughing.
DS is very quiet. He hasn't cried. He just said that he knew he shouldn't wear the lanyard.
I saw him come into the office and I could've cried, he is bruised across his entire right side. His blazer is filthy. He kept apologising over the blazer.
School have said they will be involving the police due to the severity of the incident. Which of course I'm grateful for, they did suggest getting a report from a+e but he absolutely lost the plot at the idea of going to a hospital with Covid being around, luckily our understanding GP has said he will take a look and write a report instead.
I'm gutted. He's had a few mean comments before over his disabilities, but nothing as bad as this. Part of me wishes he was the type of lad who would've hit the boy back but of course that's just not him (although if the school doesn't get to the boy before DD does that will be a whole other issue, she is not happy and was rather vocally trying to get the boys name off of DS).
I just think behaviour like that is just so old school, you think of their generation of being so much more accepting and understanding of things.
I now have a lad who doesn't want to go back to school, and is scared that he will have to speak to police.
Sorry to vent but I can't be silly and cry!

OP posts:
katmarie · 19/10/2020 17:48

I hope the school have come back to you with something constructive OP, your poor boy.

Original poster
MillieVanilla · 19/10/2020 17:53

No sadly not. I sent the email first thing and bar the head asking yet again to clarify some points we've already covered twice, at 9am, nothing since
I'm now in a position where I have a boy who is refusing to go back to school as he doesn't feel safe but I'm very aware that we could face a fine. DH is also of the opinion he should go back so that's caused tension between ds, me and him. To be honest he is old school, he thinks boys should stick up for themselves and not hide away at home, he's a bit clueless on Asperger's as it's me who deals with it.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 19/10/2020 17:55

I’d keep him home and write to the school and whoever issues fines explaining that your son is refusing to go to school because the school won’t provide a safe learning environment for him.

EvilPea · 19/10/2020 18:06

I’m so sorry.
Yet again the quiet ones are just expected to not cause a fuss, get on and put up with it as they cause the least problems.

If it’s possible I’d keep him home and risk the fine. I couldn’t see that standing up, at all. It’s a week before half term anyway

Zzz1234 · 19/10/2020 18:08

Email your mp?

EarringsandLipstick · 19/10/2020 18:10

I'm so shocked the school haven't replied further today. You would think this would be absolutely top of the Headteacher's list.

katy1213 · 19/10/2020 18:13

That's appalling. Make sure you make your own complaint to the police in case the school plays it down.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 19/10/2020 18:32

I would say to the police that they need to follow up on the assault. It is assault, plain and simple and your DS should be in a position to press charges. If they fob you off - look at who is above them in the chain of command and be prepared to escalate it.

Make sure all exchanges are kept, whether in recordings or written form, time and date stamped. But yes, I would not be sending my DS into school if the offender is still at large - this isn't acceptable in any workplace, nor is it at school.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 19/10/2020 18:33

Also, is the SEN coordinator aware of this situation?

binkyblinky · 19/10/2020 18:34

I'm so sorry. I have two little boys with autism and I'm dreading this. My heart breaks for you and your boy x

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 19/10/2020 18:36

Ah yes, you said they kinda suck, but they still need the paper trail. That way they cannot plead ignorance.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 19/10/2020 18:54

Also, keep reminding the school - assume the benefit of the doubt even if they 'forgot'.

Porridgeoat · 19/10/2020 19:04

This boy would attack anyone regardless if they were NT or had SEN. This is to do with the bully boy and nothing to do with the lanyard. He will have a long long record of incidents behind him

BlankTimes · 19/10/2020 19:13

Sorry his dad doesn't 'get' Asperger's, been there, it just makes things harder for you. Flowers

Looks as though the school are running round like headless chickens trying to minimise everything and maximise their arse covering hence not responding - in case they compromise themselves.

I'd also keep your son at home and inform the school and the Governors cc your MP that he will not be returning until they can guarantee his safety in a way his freedom is not compromised and they meet all the other conditions you've raised.

Original poster
MillieVanilla · 19/10/2020 20:38

OK, email came through at about 6.30, so finally we know what's happening.
The boys have been spoken to, one is having a 2 day exclusion and the other 1. They said that it's not possible to exclude permanently (no surprise).
The school police liaison will be speaking to them before the exclusion to reiterate that that behaviour is unacceptable.
One boy (the one who hit him) has written an apology note to DS, this was from him and nothing to do with school. Apparently both parents are very angry with their offspring.
The SENco tried to deflect responsibility for the lanyards onto the (lovely) school nurse, but DS said she is full of it as it was her who said he had to have it. They have reinstated the card scheme from last year so the lanyards are headed for the bin (thank goodness, not just for DS but all the SEN kids).
I do think DS needs to get that it's not "rude" to explain to teachers who get it wrong who may not know of him, that he does have a legitimate reason for being late for class or not wearing a mask. It turns out he's been doing some work during PE sessions that he finds totally stupid and said he feels like they think he's daft (he's 2nd from top set for the subject) but he's kept quiet. So we shall let the school know.
We have a reintegration meeting tomorrow. He is not happy but we are trying to reinforce that he has this amazing friendship group (all of whom have text him that they miss him ) and some actually great teachers. He could be a lot worse.
I don't think tomorrow will be simple, DD still wants to unleash a wrath worthy of X Men (it must be painful for her not gobbing off) but we shall see

OP posts:
Porridgeoat · 19/10/2020 21:17

The card system is much better

Porridgeoat · 19/10/2020 21:21

I think you need to decide if this punishment is enough? The boys are of the age of criminal responsibility so you could request something more serious. I would have them know that there will be no soft school approach next time as you’ll be down the police station

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/10/2020 21:30

I think now you have to focus on what is best for your DS. Much as I think this punishment is a bit weak would pushing it further be in your DS’s interests. If he understands that the two boys are sorry and will be in extremely serious trouble if there is any more poor behaviour will that help him.
What is best for your DS?

ZombieFan · 19/10/2020 21:57

You should post in the secondary education section, where you can get expert information from teachers who actually deal with this correctly.

The whole lanyard / card system sounds crazy. Every teacher in my DCs bog standard school has a profile of every child's needs, that they teach. Its the teachers responsibility to know not the child's to tell them. This 'incident' should be an instant 5 day external exclusion.

The school and the police have seriously let you all down and have broken many safeguarding rules, I would be speaking to a lawyer and starting to put in complaints to everyone involved. A 2 day exclusion is pathetic for ABH.

coastergirl · 19/10/2020 21:58

Can I just say how incredibly level-headed and calm you seem? You came on here asking if you were being unreasonable to cry (or words to that effect) which absolutely wasn't unreasonable! But in my opinion, the way you have been through the whole situation is amazing. I would have gone ballistic, which wouldn't have helped at all! I have a little boy who is probably about to be diagnosed with autism, and I work in a specialist school for children with autism. I know that a calm approach outwardly is best for them, regardless of how you feel inside. I think you've been amazing.

I do think that the bullies should be dealt with far more severely though!

Original poster
MillieVanilla · 19/10/2020 22:19

@coastergirl

Can I just say how incredibly level-headed and calm you seem? You came on here asking if you were being unreasonable to cry (or words to that effect) which absolutely wasn't unreasonable! But in my opinion, the way you have been through the whole situation is amazing. I would have gone ballistic, which wouldn't have helped at all! I have a little boy who is probably about to be diagnosed with autism, and I work in a specialist school for children with autism. I know that a calm approach outwardly is best for them, regardless of how you feel inside. I think you've been amazing.

I do think that the bullies should be dealt with far more severely though!

Thank you There have been moments when I've gone to the end of the garden and sworn, rather loudly. Luckily, the only neighbour who would hear is a great friend and she usually sees me and brings me a cuppa. I think I handle it outwardly calm because it's better for Ds, I can't very well tell DD not to go nuts on them if I am, and I learned a while back that getting angry doesn't solve much but allows the school to paint you as awkward.

Am I happy? No. Not really. But I do think we have to recognise that schools were stuck between a rock and a hard place before covid with regards exclusion. All the schools in our area are ridiculously over subscribed so whereas it's possible in our era there would be no question that the boy who hit him would've been turfed out, now there is huge pressure on schools to work harder to get these kids on side.
I'm always very aware that I don't know whether these boys have a Sen need. I'm lucky Ds is quite calm and not boisterous. Some kids aren't.
DS doesn't know them before now so who knows.
He is calmer this evening. His nose has been driving him crackers as he had his flu vaccine, he also managed to get a new gaming mouse for having it without being silly (even though we thought he would have the jab this year, so we promised the mouse in return for the jab, he feels very smug he had the nasal spray).

I hope the school will firstly keep a close eye on the boys involved and also learn to judge stuff like the lanyards before they just blindly instigate them. It was a gigantic cock up and I hope the SENco will also be told to buck her ideas up as I know of a few of us who wouldn't miss her if she were replaced.

OP posts:
Babyvibe · 19/10/2020 22:35

I'm so sorry that really is awful. I hope the kid who did this gets everything he deserves for doing this to your beautiful boy. Its shocking behaviour from anyone let alone a 12 year old. Definitely get in touch with police yourself if you haven't already done so. I'd like to know what his parents think of their child, if it was mine I would be phoning you to apologise and sort out the situation.

noblegiraffe · 19/10/2020 22:58

Bloody hell a 2 day exclusion for an unprovoked and serious attack on a kid with SEN? That is not acceptable. Look up the school complaints procedure - they have failed in their duty of care. Next stop after the head is usually the governors.

And tbh, start looking for another school if possible.

Write to your MP about the understaffing leading to police 'declining to investigate' assaults on children.

The minimising of this sort of thing happening to kids is shocking. If it were an adult it would be taken more seriously.

Andi2020 · 19/10/2020 23:09

@MillieVanilla the boy who hit should definitely have got longer exclusion.
It was 2 weeks for the girl that hit my dd and 2 days for the girl that videoed it and posted online.

Flamingolingo · 20/10/2020 07:03

WTAF?! An aggressive and unprovoked attack gets 2 days exclusion?! 2days!!! I’d be absolutely fuming. I’m sure you’ve mentioned up thread, but what does their discipline policy actually say? Have they gone against it? In your shoes I think I would be going to the governors, and also to Ofsted. It is not ok. I’m speechless!