Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Gutted for my DS

302 replies

MillieVanilla · 15/10/2020 14:50

Sorry need to come to a safe space as I'm so upset.
DS is 12, second year he's a little softy
Due to getting points for not wearing a mask and being late for class, school said he would have to wear a sunflower lanyard to avoid this happening. I was quite dubious of them (no offense to anyone who wears them) because let's be honest, kids can be gits and bully for any reason.
So he's worn one for a fortnight.
Today I got a call- he's been badly beaten up, we had collect him as he has had a head injury.
His cheek is purple, black eye, he's dizzy, his leg has twisted too.
The boy who did it walked past laughing at him "look at him with his flower necklace".
Due to Aspergers, he didn't react, he doesn't ever. As a result the boy turned back around, grabbed him by his blazer and smacked his face into a wall then a bench. He then threw him on the ground, laughing.
DS is very quiet. He hasn't cried. He just said that he knew he shouldn't wear the lanyard.
I saw him come into the office and I could've cried, he is bruised across his entire right side. His blazer is filthy. He kept apologising over the blazer.
School have said they will be involving the police due to the severity of the incident. Which of course I'm grateful for, they did suggest getting a report from a+e but he absolutely lost the plot at the idea of going to a hospital with Covid being around, luckily our understanding GP has said he will take a look and write a report instead.
I'm gutted. He's had a few mean comments before over his disabilities, but nothing as bad as this. Part of me wishes he was the type of lad who would've hit the boy back but of course that's just not him (although if the school doesn't get to the boy before DD does that will be a whole other issue, she is not happy and was rather vocally trying to get the boys name off of DS).
I just think behaviour like that is just so old school, you think of their generation of being so much more accepting and understanding of things.
I now have a lad who doesn't want to go back to school, and is scared that he will have to speak to police.
Sorry to vent but I can't be silly and cry!

OP posts:
EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide · 16/10/2020 09:58

This has made me cry! I'm so sorry this happened to your lovely boy and I really hope he's OK Flowers

spiderlight · 16/10/2020 10:04

Oh, poor poor lad :( So sorry this has happened to him and I hope the perpetrator gets a very stern warning from the police at the very last.

nearertonature · 16/10/2020 10:05

He had to wear a sunflower lanyard???!!!!
I have not heard of this, but surely this makes kids at school a total bully magnet? Why didn't the school just tack a ''kick me' sign on his back and be done with it?

I am furious on your behalf. A sunflower lanyard for a boy at senior School? Jesus Christ, what were the school thinking?! They have big responsibility here.

lulupopss · 16/10/2020 10:13

This is one of the most disgusting things I'v read, your poor son. I'd be going for permanent exclusion of the perpetrator too.

unmarkedbythat · 16/10/2020 10:21

Zero tolerance and demerits is soul destroying for the kids who care too much. The ones who are too petrified to put a foot wrong.
The ones who don’t give a shit, still won’t give a shit. The ones in the middle it may pull up, and suck it up when they inevitably forget something, but it causes such unnecessary anxiety to those that do care.

I think this is a really neat summing up of the ineffectiveness of the increasingly popular 'zero tolerance' approach to discipline in schools. I find it objectionable anyway and thoroughly dislike the atmosphere and relationships it creates, but given that people are almost fetishistic about the 'need' for strict discipline and heavy handed punishments for petty offences, I suspect the argument that it is unpleasant means nothing to them. Perhaps stressing how it doesn't actually work is a better approach.

Jellycatspyjamas · 16/10/2020 10:26

How bloody awful for you all. I hope the school and the police take it seriously and in all honesty I’d keep him home until they have clear measures in place to keep him safe.

The whole mask and lanyard thing is a dreadful way of singling kids out - they must be able to identify those kids who can’t wear a mask more discreetly in a way that respects their privacy. Zero tolerance is an utterly inappropriate way to manage behaviour with young people precisely because it works against kids with any kind of difference - and now you have a traumatised children to help. Fucking ridiculous, I’d both cry and shout.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/10/2020 10:40

I am so sorry to read this.

It appears to be a hate crime as he was targeted for assault due to his disability. I would make sure the police are aware of that possibility.

Why the school couldn’t have given him a exemption card he could keep in his pocket to show to teachers is beyond me.

diggadoo · 16/10/2020 10:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

Oblomov20 · 16/10/2020 11:00

This is terrible. Poor him! Sad

Andi2020 · 16/10/2020 11:14

@MillieVanilla your poor ds
Hope he is ok
I read your comment about permanent exclusion. I really do hope the other boy gets this but my dd was hit on school 2 years ago it was videoed and put on social media and the other girl only got 2 weeks suspension
My dd was yanked by the hair, threw to the ground and kicked.
I was so mad at the outcome
Really good your school are helping because I sat on Principals office crying and she never once contacted me after.

Original poster
MillieVanilla · 16/10/2020 11:39

@unmarkedbythat

*Zero tolerance and demerits is soul destroying for the kids who care too much. The ones who are too petrified to put a foot wrong. The ones who don’t give a shit, still won’t give a shit. The ones in the middle it may pull up, and suck it up when they inevitably forget something, but it causes such unnecessary anxiety to those that do care.*

I think this is a really neat summing up of the ineffectiveness of the increasingly popular 'zero tolerance' approach to discipline in schools. I find it objectionable anyway and thoroughly dislike the atmosphere and relationships it creates, but given that people are almost fetishistic about the 'need' for strict discipline and heavy handed punishments for petty offences, I suspect the argument that it is unpleasant means nothing to them. Perhaps stressing how it doesn't actually work is a better approach.

Yes I totally agree. I get that it's hard for schools finding a method that works, I don't think there is, the ones who they're trying to instill good behaviour in wear the demerits like a badge of honour, the ones like my son feel like the sky is falling in if they get one or two. There's no middle ground. I've always explained I don't really take much notice either way, my DD has always been pretty relaxed but not DS.
OP posts:
howtogetoutofthismess · 16/10/2020 11:44

As the mother of an autistic child myself I can only imagine the upset this has caused. Just thought a suiitable punishment might be for the bully to wear a flower lanyard with the words im a bully on it, see how he feels to look the odd one out.

I hope he feels better soon.

Original poster
MillieVanilla · 16/10/2020 11:58

@MB90

Ah OP, you sound like such a kind and caring mum and your son sounds lovely. I’m sorry about what has happened to him. My natural instinct would want to be to knock the other boy’s lights out! Push push push for permanent exclusion OP and criminal charges. Don’t accept no as an answer. Hope your DS is on the mend today Flowers
Oh yes, trust me, he's lucky it's not 1985 and parents dealing with errant parents and their offspring is now frowned upon, the little bully obviously saw DS being brought to reception for pick up so wandered in to the bit next to it behind a big glass door they buzz people in through, he walked back and forth glaring at DS, until the school nurse went out to tell the reception that he was the boy responsible and could they send him out. I've had to explain to DD too that if she gets hold of him, whilst I totally get why she would want to, with the police now very much involved it would complicate matters hugely, especially since she's a year group older. So she has grudgingly accepted that she can't (I did have to resort to threats against Roblox which did the trick) I'm very much asking for permanent exclusion, yes, I don't be happy to accept anything less, and after speaking to the police this morning, who will be taking a statement on Sunday by phone call so as to not petrify DS they agree and will be explaining to school and the parents that it's aggravated assault so a little more serious than school pushing and shoving.
OP posts:
steppemum · 16/10/2020 12:58

will be explaining to school and the parents that it's aggravated assault

This is good. If they are pursuing it as proper assault, then you should see results.

Can't tell you how cross it makes me when this happens, and the perpetrator is not punished.

superstar84 · 16/10/2020 14:42

Your doing so well with all of this, have they broke up for half term now?

Original poster
MillieVanilla · 16/10/2020 15:18

@superstar84

Your doing so well with all of this, have they broke up for half term now?
No sadly not here until next Friday I wish they were though, even before this he's shattered after school, after so long of being indoors and having the odd leisurely stroll being back in full time is hard. It's similar with his sister and bar teenage laziness there's nothing wrong with her
OP posts:
CovidPostingName · 16/10/2020 15:35

@MillieVanilla

If the police are treating it as aggravated assault, do you have the case number or the incident report number? I'm just a little concerned that this is all still actually informal. I would want to see concrete written evidence that this has been reported a a crime.

copperoliver · 16/10/2020 16:15

I don't blame your daughter for losing it, if it was my brother I'd find out who it was and bash the shit out of it and before anyone says that's not the way to deal with it, that's the only language the little shit who hit him will understand if he gets a taste of his own medicine him and his mates won't do it again. X

Original poster
MillieVanilla · 16/10/2020 16:18

[quote CovidPostingName]@MillieVanilla

If the police are treating it as aggravated assault, do you have the case number or the incident report number? I'm just a little concerned that this is all still actually informal. I would want to see concrete written evidence that this has been reported a a crime.[/quote]
Yes thank you I do
I rang them this morning because the more I thought about it, I wanted to make sure it was properly and fully reported and I wanted to know directly what would happen next. He's a good kid but the idea of police asking to speak to him in school (which I've found out was possible) would've scared the hell out of him, now they are doing a phone call on Sunday to speak to him and take his statement as long as I'm happy they wont get it signed by him, which I am. It means I can gently get him prepared for it rather than him being petrified (same with flu jabs, have to coach him not to run away at speed the second we get to the office).

OP posts:
Original poster
MillieVanilla · 16/10/2020 16:21

@copperoliver

I don't blame your daughter for losing it, if it was my brother I'd find out who it was and bash the shit out of it and before anyone says that's not the way to deal with it, that's the only language the little shit who hit him will understand if he gets a taste of his own medicine him and his mates won't do it again. X
Oh I agree! In my era that wouldve been exactly what happened and no one would vat an eyelid. Sadly, because we have the police involved (as we should), if she the goes and smacks a younger kid one, the police would have no option but to pursue it so it would complicate matters immensely. She was still pissed off when she came home, she walked in and I said you didn't say anything and she was like, no because you're being annoying. If there's one thing she can't stand it's people picking on people weaker than them. She's had the same with mates before and got herself in trouble. And that was her gob!
OP posts:
PhilCornwall1 · 16/10/2020 16:23

@copperoliver

I don't blame your daughter for losing it, if it was my brother I'd find out who it was and bash the shit out of it and before anyone says that's not the way to deal with it, that's the only language the little shit who hit him will understand if he gets a taste of his own medicine him and his mates won't do it again. X
Completely agree with you. Sometimes receiving a dose of what they dished out is the best way.
snowstorm2012 · 17/10/2020 12:18

I hope your son is doing okay x

MJMG2015 · 17/10/2020 12:44

Poor DS😢 you wouldn't be silly to cry! It has really upset me & I don't know you! (But I do have family with SEN)

There are some nasty people out there & I hope this kids gets expelled, but I also hope it really impacts on his parents.

It's a shame DD & her mates can't sort it, but you're right, it would cause more trouble.

I hope it's all taken care of quickly & effectively and that DS is t too scared to go back to school next week.

It's good he's ANGRY & not just scared & sad as he knows he doesn't deserve it.

Let us know how it goes tomorrow.

Brefugee · 17/10/2020 12:47

I remember my little brother being smacked in the face by a bully (who was a year above me in school as it happens) and my tactic was to be there wherever the bully was. Just watching. I never said a word, just used to be there, on the fringes of football, British Bulldog, or just in the rec area. We lived in army quarters and he was also an army brat - my friends were really good about letting me know where this kid would be.

After about 2 weeks his dad complained to my dad who told him not to be daft and how could a younger girl possibly scare his big bully of a son. Grin IIRC i kept it up for about a week after that, because I'm stubborn like that, and then stopped. But he never went near my brother again.

tsmainsqueeze · 17/10/2020 14:58

Your poor son , what a stupid idea to make a kid wear something like that !.
I am so glad your son has his sister watching his back , I grabbed hold of a boy picking on my younger brother when we were at secondary school in he 80's , he didn't do it again .
I hope this gets sorted out quickly for him .
Bullies are the lowest of the low .