How do you manage PE lessons with an unsporty child?

[zigaziga]

When I was at school I saw PE as ritual humiliation and the whole thing put me off any exercise or sport for a long time.

The whole thing made me so angry - the “cool” kids were those who were good at sports etc etc.

Anyway, my first DC has started PE at primary school and is already very aware thanks to the other children that he is slower than everyone else and that he can’t catch or throw..

As the parent now, how do I deal with this? What am I supposed to say ahead of sports days and things? All I know is that my own parents were very party line about everything and would have just said it’s taking part that counts and of course that doesn’t help at all.

I’d like to be able to share with my child my own biased views that unless you’re the 0.01% who can make money from being athletic, it’s far better to be good at English and Maths and languages but I don’t know if sharing my own prejudices at such a young age is at all appropriate and of course it could make things worse - it would be best if he does actually try and maybe eventually find a sport he is semi decent at. Plus, I know how I’d feel about a parent sharing with their child that they think maths is pointless..!

So how do you handle it? The idea of him struggling at PE and feeling embarrassed day after day throughout school is heartbreaking.

It's really clear reading through this thread who gets it and who doesn't- the trauma of twelve years of twice weekly humiliation and distress cannot easily be shrugged off if you have actually experienced it. I'm sure that will have a lot of the people who didn't rolling their eyes and thinking sneery thoughts about real trauma and it's only PE, nothing distressing about it and so on.

@unmarkedbythat yes, thank you! I remember being hung upside down by a PE teacher as a joke, running round the 400m track on my own whilst everyone else who had already finished watched and laughed etc... it was awful.

My DH just thinks that we shouldn’t take him to sports things as he’s clearly not interested. As an example he says he was sent to football, rugby, cross country etc as he was naturally sporty and enjoyed it but his parents never took him to music lessons or whatnot because he never showed any kind of musical ability or interest. He thinks we should just do the same and encourage DS to do the things he wants to do. Only thing is, my DH wasn’t the one picked last in every PE class...

When I talk about telling DS what I really think about PE.. well he’s clearly too young and I don’t want to prejudice him.. I’m probably not expressing myself well but what I mean is, if my parents had ever said something really catty about a bully or said that they think that science is more important than PE or something like that I think it would have helped.. it would have felt like having an ally.

@Callybrid's advice is good I think treating it a bit like basic academic skills can help - if you struggled with times tables or spelling you’d probably do more practice on those at home. Likewise if catching or throwing or running is an issue you can practice that at home. Make it a habit to have a soft ball around and do a bit of catch whilst you chat or before they watch TV or something. If you go for walks at the weekend, incorporate a short run/race up the hill or to the car or whatever.

You say you can't catch but by practicing together you can show him that it really doesn't matter if you drop it. Have fun, you will both improve together and it's good to introduce different forms of keeping fit.

I do think you may be projecting a bit as your own experience was that people good at PE were most popular. In reception class there is a huge variety in abilities. A lot will drop a ball or not be able to kick a ball. But they can't really stop playing with balls or doing PE just because your DC is not particularly keen on that activity.

DC1 is not a 'natural' sportsperson and happiest curled up with a book. Come primary sportsday DC1 surprised me by volunteering for races, having a go and invariably coming last but with a smile on their face. I am so proud that DC1 and the school have encouraged participation (and fitness).
DC2 is very sporty but much more bothered about where they place in a race - so actually sports day is more stressful for them! Try not to worry and model a positive attitude to learning things that might not come easily.

You’re projecting your awful experience on him. It’s fine to say you struggle with catching too. Not ok to say PE is awful and traumatic.
It’s your job to build the confidence and resilience of your child.

DS1 was (pre COVID) beginning being investigated for dyspraxia after falling over his own feet and banging his head yet again. However, he is obsessed with cricket and spent most of lockdown bouncing a ball against the garage wall and as a result (hallelujah) he can now catch and his bat on ball coordination is pretty good. He’s nearly 8. He can’t ride a bike and learnt to scoot during Reception (about a month before DS2, who is 3.5 years younger). I agree with PP that a combination of a great deal of practice and quiet support of the ‘well someone always gets a skill first but everyone catches up eventually’ kind can do wonders.

And when I say I can’t catch a ball, I can catch a ball just not every time. There’s no problem, I’m just not the person you’d want to teach a child how to do it!

I do understand what it's like to be not a natural athlete but I feel like my parents (who were bookish too) actually didn't encourage me to try especially when I was at secondary so I wrote myself off as a sportsperson.

I give the example to my kids of learning to drive when I was an adult. I had to really persevere as it wasn't in my comfort zone and definitely did not come naturally to me but I got there in the end and am proud of my achievement!

@zigaziga

And when I say I can’t catch a ball, I can catch a ball just not every time. There’s no problem, I’m just not the person you’d want to teach a child how to do it!

That's exactly why you should do it with him. It's more frustrating learning something you are finding hard with someone who makes it look a doddle. Far better for him to see you drop it and persevere and having fun - counting how many you manage in a row or how high it goes or how far you can throw it etc..

My DD genuinely cannot catch/hit/throw a ball to save her life. She has diagnosed dyspraxia. But she enjoyed dance so kept going. She is now at 10 quite good and also a decent tumbler as well. She has to work 10x harder to achieve the same things as than the more naturally able children but is now better than most of them and in addition is soooo strong and fit to compensate for her lack of coordination and motor control. She survived PE and coming last in everything in sports day by owning it ! When the others laughed at her and said she was slow or couldn't catch she just said yes thats true - shuts them up pretty quickly, it stops being funny to them if they don't get a reaction. And now she might come last at sports day but can then walk away from the finish line and throw 2 backflips and an aerial. Running fast suddenly looks far less impressive . She is also far more understanding of the benefits of effort and perseverance.

Op I loved sports at school & was good but wasn’t popular or accepted/included. My eldest is not sporty in the slightest, I understand how cruel kids are when you don’t show sporting prowess, especially boys. My eldest is always picked last for teams & slowest in the class & they get very upset at how people treat them. All you can do is teach resilience & maybe find a fitness activity you child likes. Fitness is far more important than being best or even good at sport. Maybe a martial art to help with coordination?

I have a disability that affects my mobility, as does my spouse, so PE was never the best for us. It wasn't until PE was no longer required that I found activities that I can enjoy without hating everything. I still think most cardio programmes are hellspawn-inspired.

As there are many physical skills that my spouse and I can't model for our kids, we focus on the ones we can, show them examples and take them to spaces where they can do many of the things we can't, and yes, I make my kids go. I even make my older kids plan their own and make it a requirement to be done before their free time. I send my 16-year-old son outside every day, he's most recently been doing a 5k training app, among other things, having enjoyed doing a 5k charity obstacle course last year. Really, once the habit started, it didn't take much enforcement.

I focus with my kids that physical skills are just like any other skills - some people have a natural advantage, but many of their peers likely have more practice at it from being in households that can be more active and while some of us can never run marathons or similar, we can improve bit-by-bit with practice, especially once we find something we enjoy or a way to enjoy it. They 'have' one body (arguably, are one body), and they need to find ways to enjoy and keep themselves well. PE gives a few options to try, and some of them they're probably going hate just like any other subject (even kids who love English will find books they hate) which is why they should find some of their own, the curriculum is only a starting point. My DD1 hates team sports, anything that risks a tussle or head-on conflict, so she does what she can when that's on the agenda (she's very happy with the COVID PE) and we focus more on other types of physical skills.

I never want them to think that just because they're bad at or don't enjoy certain games or physical skills or because others are better at it or because they're good at other things that it doesn't matter. Having lived a severe version of deconditioning and still in the process of rebuilding, I want my kids to live a life where they're at as low a risk of going through this as possible.

Young kids tend to enjoy and choose the things that they're naturally good at and see adults in their life enjoying. What they choose is largely influenced by environment and opportunity, just like older kids and adults tend to hang onto things they've become good at and more common with those around them. There are plenty of non-sporty, but still physical activities.

The reason he's unhappy isn't his lack of speed and catching skills - it's because he's in reception and already comparing himself to everyone else - comparison being the thief of joy and all that.

My DD is terrible at catching but finds it hilarious when they play basketball in PE, she doesn't see her lack of skill as something to mope about or as reflecting her value or social position (most kids would think "social position, what's that?")

The only people who categorise cool kids, geeks etc are people who compare and think they are superior (why doesn't everyone else see it)! The absolute worst thing you can do is start telling him how he's so much better academically and will go further than the jock types. He'll grow up grouping people, looking for their failings to prop up his self esteem and feeling apart and you really will be passing baggage into him.

Teach him!

I was terrible at sports as a child, I couldn’t catch, hit, throw, kick etc. It was a running joke and I wasn’t encouraged to try. I was also the ‘academic one’.

As an adult I’ve found that I’m actually good at all these things! But no one helped me. No one explained that to catch a ball you have to look at it rather than just wave your hands round wildly, same for hitting etc. That’s the most important piece of advice for me: look at the ball! Also work on his core and co-ordination by doing exercises. It doesn’t have to take very long each day! Oh and practice throwing, catching, kicking etc with a large, soft ball and get smaller and smaller.

Where is your DH in all of this- if he is more athletic/sporty/co-ordinated, can he not help more?

As for the impact of it, I can recall some who hated PE and/or were not much good at it and I can see where the OP comes from.

Don't write him off.

All kids should be encouraged to learn their own physical style. It's not about sport or competition if that's not their sphere of interest. It's about basic movement and health.

We took our (less than stellar athlete) kids along to enjoyaball , then football, then martial arts. We also always gone walking and cycling. I used to chuck a frisbee about and a tennis ball in the back garden. Activities that hold little intrinsic joy for me I must say!
It's not about either being sporty or academic. It's about being prepared to be open to opportunities.

As for school PE they were then ok with it.

I was the archetypal non sporty kid who was miserable in PE. But I was determined not to pass that on nor to let on that I really dislike sports!

And yes I’m completely projecting and if schools / PE lessons / PE teachers have changed I’m very happy with it.

I think in his own way the sporty dad here is also writing off the sporty side due to crazy high standards at a young age.

I have known this happen to two kids know who are both what I would term sporty as teens and young adults. (One up to a high level in a solo niche sport, the other a very keen player who perseveres despite not making it into the first team locally.)

They were both labeled by family members as uncoordinated and wasting their time at aged 5! Obviously the intrinsic motivation was there as they progressed but it reinforced gire that we are silly to write off such young children.
Would we do the same with those late to read?

That ought to read " reinforced to me."

Can you tell I am a bit impassioned about this subject!,😂 And I really do hate sport!

My DH just thinks that we shouldn’t take him to sports things as he’s clearly not interested. As an example he says he was sent to football, rugby, cross country etc as he was naturally sporty and enjoyed it but his parents never took him to music lessons or whatnot because he never showed any kind of musical ability or interest. He thinks we should just do the same and encourage DS to do the things he wants to do. Only thing is, my DH wasn’t the one picked last in every PE class...

I really agree with this dad. I think you should find his skills and encourage them x

The issue is not so much how "good" or "bad" he is at catching, but the reaction of the other children. Make his teacher aware, especially if the session is taught by a sports coach rather than the class teacher.
Is this typical of the accepted behaviour in school, or were the other children pulled up on it? Google "the power of yet" - plenty of resources online - and model this language with him.

As pp said, practise at home and make this fun. Use a ball that travels more slowly, is easier to hold onto and not so hard that he is scared that he might get hurt, so a foam football or a catch-tail ball.

Whilst my son was at primary school one of the boys in Y6 was just not particularly sporty and I would imagine that he dreaded sports day. His final sports day he came last in all the races, but his final race the whole school clapped and cheered as he finished - proving it's taking part that counts not where you finish!

@bluebluezoo

But we’re a month into reception and he’s already crying about how he’s the slowest and the other children are talking about it. He’s already told me that he can’t catch a ball (he can’t) and others can

Thing with sport is many people make the assumption that being good at it is a “natural” thing.

Sometimes it is, and kids are faster, better, whatever without trying.

But is does not mean that practice will not make you better.

I am a gymnastics coach. Many parents enroll because their child isn’t “naturally sporty”. Practice may not take them to the olympics, but they will improve and get better. I’ve seen some incredible improvements in dedicated children, far outstripping those more able.

I’d tell your child if he wants to get better at catching, or running, or cartwheels, it’s like maths, you need to put the work in. We don’t expect even super intelligent children to just learn maths with no teaching.

If he wants to get better, take him out and play catch. If he isn’t bothered, then he needs to learn that he will likely always be worse than everyone else and he needs to learn how to accept that.

This exactly. He's early reader etc because someone has taught him. In the same way other parents have gone out and played catch with them.

They may catch up academically, he may catch up sportingwise.

I'm not sporty. I'm a very slow runner. I can't jump and I was never good at catching, and I never could climb a rope. When I was about 8yo my parents started to play tennis.
Naturally I started to play too. At one point I'd play 5-6 times a week. I got to roughly junior county level, I beat the (male) school games teacher at 13yo.
Am I sporty? Definitely not. Am I good at tennis? On the amateur scale I'm not bad. I'm 1st team club level in a good club.
Why was I that good and the sporty girls in my year never got up to my standard?
Because I played 5 days a week all year, and put effort into improving. I'd be hitting the ball against the wall of the house for an hour or more most days I couldn't get to the court.

Honestly? I'd take him out and practice. Kick a ball around, practice running and jumping, find trees to climb. Teach him that it feels great sometimes to push yourself so hard that you get out of breath. Go on long walks, climb hills, build stamina. The sad reality of school life is that a lot of kids think being good at sports is more important that being good at academic subjects. If you can get your DS to the point where he's mid-range in PE/sport, at least then he won't stand out in PE lessons and he can happily focus on the subjects he likes the rest of the time. He'll also be fitter and healthier.

Op, I feel so sorry for him. You have described my ds's experience of primary school sport. He hated every second, was humiliated, miserable, dreaded weekly pe lessons. He was the slowest, the smallest, not one of the cool kids, liked maths so was called a nerd.

Try not to show too much concern, don't share your experiences, but listen to him. Try to support him by improving his general fitness in a NON-competitive way. Take him cycling, trampolining, swimming. Try to boost his confidence with a karate class.

I'll be criticised for this, but if by the summer term he is still miserable and the school have done nothing to help, let him miss sports day. Being humiliated in front of all the parents as well will make him more miserable and make the whole issue worse. I didn't and I wish I had. It can be very hard to come back from.

Teach them how to skive off or be invisible!

I believe David Beckham said he became good at football because he practiced. I think it’s a bit unkind to dismiss your child as ‘not sporty’ at such a young age because you dislike sports. The answer is to get your sporty husband to build those skills with your son, if you can’t or won’t.

Our daughter was told she found maths harder than a English in Y1. I was incensed at the idea of persuading a young child (who was top set) that they struggled when they didn’t- it was the teacher’s prejudice and stereotyping. The daughter got A at A level.
Nothing stopping your son being ‘talented’ if he’s encouraged rather than dismissed. He won’t be interested if his parents aren’t willing to show him how good he is. Get him playing football with you at a park, go swimming together rather than lessons, start him off on tennis lessons.