Help! My children are destroying my home!

[yesiamyesiamokaycallmeback]

I have 4 children ranging in age from 8 to 0. They have absolutely destroyed my home. They rip the wallpaper, pull on the wires for the sky box so they are hanging out, they climb on the doors and have broken three! Three!!!
The carpet stinks, there is pen all over the walls, furniture and carpet. Biro on the sofa. ruined.
They have even broken my wardrobe from climbing in it.
I'm finding it so so so so hard to motivate myself to clean up after them. I dont knoe how to get them to stop wrecking things. It mainly happens when I'm on the toilet (door open shouting 'stop' every single time) or when I'm breastfeeding the baby or putting her to bed for a nap.
I have wanted a new carpet for 2 years but whats the point when my toddler spills every drink on purpose? I want to redecorate the walls but again, what's the point?

I am at my wits end and so is their dad. It is so depressing spending a few hours cleaning on the weekend for the end result to be a dirty, grimy broken home with rips and drips and sticks and I dont know what to do!

Does anyone else's children do this? My mum struggled with us as children (she had 4 too, similar ages) but DH thinks our kids are really bad and apparently he and his siblings (3 with 5 year age gap between 1st and 2nd) never treated their house/ toys badly.

As not to drip feed, we are all squished into a 2 bed flat, it is quite large but obviously too small for us now. We were going to move earlier in the year but Covid threw a spanner or ten into the works and now it looks like we won't be moving for another year at least (more likely 2 or 3).

please no "why did you have children if you only have a flat" I know, but they're here and they are lovely. Just a bit boisterous.

Throw all pens, pencils, crayons and felt tips out. 2 pens 5 pencils and a pack of crayons are all that’s needed in one house hold. Only adults use the pens and the pencils and crayons can only be used up the table.

Dinner to be eaten in the kitchen, if you can’t then you can buy large table cloths from the pound shop and put that under the toddlers seat.

Drinks do not leave the kitchen.

You don’t need consequences if you remove the possibility of them being able to do it anyway.

(Although I would remove their bedroom doors if I spotted them climbing on any door as a punishment)

Please please do try to figure out what is going on emotionally for them rather than focusing solely on punishment. They have had a lot of big changes and difficult situations in recent months and it could be that getting some individual closeness and loving time with you could help way more than time outs. And that doesn’t mean being soft, you can have firm boundaries while still being loving. Kids don’t want to behave badly and have their parents pissed off with them the whole time, but they don’t have the same emotional and logical abilities that adults have so when they have difficult emotions they express them behaviourally. Really recommend you listen to Janet Lansbury’s podcast and even send your question in! Or The Whole Brain Child book is also brilliant. Good luck

You need to give your children boundaries. Teach then that it’s not acceptable.

My house looks like a tornado has been through it sometimes and I only have 2 DC. If I had 4 children they would definitely be climbing all over things and accidentally destroying stuff. Hang in there.

You need some radical action.

Only give water to drink.

Take out all carpets and replace with wood vinyl or laminate.

Paint the whole place white or a light colour. (Probably get a decorator to do it - quicker). Then have one wall or section where ... they can draw. Maybe even paint that bit in blackboard paint. And the rest of the walls - no touching.

OR invest them heavily in their room decoration (colour, wallpaper).

Have washable scrubbable paint everywhere, just in case.

You need to establish some ground rules and calmly stick to them.

But definitely no free range with food and drink in hand.

Oh yes and exhaust them daily with lots if exercise

@ArnoJambonsBike

We don't have kids and posts like this helps reaffirm that we are right not to have them. The thing that confuses me is that you have four and one of them is under a year old - so you'd had this problem for a few years, going by the age of your oldest, and you've thought "let's have another"

Absolutely baffles me and, to be honest, prevents me from having any sympathy because, you've known what they were like and consciously and deliberately multiple the problem and elongated the period until your youngest grows out of it

"posts like this helps reaffirm that we are right not to have them"

Reading your post helps reaffirm that you are right not to have them.

Perhaps if you lack experience and wisdom to the point you admit you are baffled by something, you could refrain from attempting to give "advice" or judgement. You're basically saying "I know nothing about this but I'm going to judge you anyway".

Don't you realise that that makes you look extremely ignorant and a little thick? I feel a bit embarrassed, and a bit sorry, for you.

Perhaps you could pop over to the Doghouse where someone is asking for puppy advice or something and say you don't have a dog and you're baffled by their problem as you know nothing about dogs yourself, but you really wanted to just tell them they are a shit dog owner? Let us know how that works out for you good luck

@yesiamyesiamokaycallmeback I forgot to say, glad the sofa bed may work out for you! Your next problem is stopping the DC from jumping on it If you get one definitely try and get storage underneath it for bedding as it makes a huge difference. We used to play "hotel in the lounge" too and the DC remember it fondly too )

(Can't give any advice on the ADHD query but it seems like an avenue worth exploring as other posters seem to be very knowledgeable)

I hope things look up for you very soon. What a year this has been - I cannot imagine (well I can a bit!) the stress of parenting little ones under the current conditions

[quote yesiamyesiamokaycallmeback]@aspergillus
I will order those as soon as I can

I hadn't really thought about any sort of add or anything like that
isn't it usually picked up in school?
honestly my sons teacher did have to have a word with me about his fidgeting and disrupting class by bopping and twitching and flicking things etc. she was obviously annoyed and I remember feeling so relieved because he does my head in too. constantly moving.
I didn't think any more
he does get told off for climbing the trees in the playground too.
does any of this sound familiar?

sorry by the way- fully using you as a sounding board [/quote]
Your situation sounds very familiar to me. I have 3 dc and this is exactly what life with the two youngest was like before they (and me, and my eldest...) got diagnosed with ADHD...

Schools are often lax at noticing and often when you start trying to get help people (just like on this thread...) will try and blame your parenting and say things like "you just need to teach them boundaries and enforce them"... yep, do you not think we've tried that?!

I would sit down with your dh and write some notes about the behaviours/symptoms that concern you and then look at the NHS page on ADHD. If they fit, go to your GP and ask for a referral to the children's ADHD assessment team in your area. Also speak to the school, their teacher, the SENCO, the Parent Support Advisor if they have one, and raise your concerns and ask for some help. You will probably be fobbed off and sent on parenting courses, but do the courses and keep persisting. After all, if it is 'just parenting' the courses will help, and if not you can demonstrate that you have tried everything you can yourself. There are lots of Facebook groups for parents of children with ADHD too, which can be a great support, as even with diagnosis and medication there is very little professional help out there for those with ADHD sadly, it is down to you to find the strategies that work for you and your family and deal with it yourselves . Good luck!

Don't ever come and visit me with your destructive undisciplined brood!

I asked for my post to be deleted btw as I usually try to be on the moral high ground when pointing out to people they are being disablist.

Haven't RTWT, but here's my two pennies...

You'll get a lot of 'my kids would never do that' but I do think that the fact there are six of you in a two bed flat is a major factor here and not really comparable to children with a lot more space to play.

This. Your children are wound up so tightly they need an outlet for their energy and, at the moment, that's naughtiness. You're tired and have a little baby so can't spend as much time outdoors as they need.

I'm not sure how tight money is, but I have, or have friends in small homes who have or have done, the following:

1. Small indoor climbing frame/slide/monkey bars. I'm not sure how tight space is for you in your living-room, but I think you need to give them some sort of physical outlet for their energy that they can just do over and over again while you're busy with the baby.
2. Lots of kids dance/exercise DVDs or Youtube videos. Did loads of these with DC over lockdown. I had to do them with them the first time but then they really got into them.
3. Tuff tray and stand for arts and crafts. We have one in the corner of our (small) kitchen on a wipe-clean rug. It takes up a lot of space but so worth it. We keep toys and boxes stored under it. DC are never ever allowed pens/crayons/paint anywhere else in the house. All art and craft has to be done here. This is non-negotiable. The rim keeps any mess/spills contained. You could ever make the kids eat at it if they're making a mess at the kitchen table.
4. Do you have a hall? If so, obstacle course in the hall. Sofa cushions, pop-up tunnel, "stepping stones" (tape on floor/carpet). We did this for DC during lockdown and they loved it, especially when DH pretended to be a shark that would eat them if they fell off the stepping stones.

Truth is, you're in an overcrowded living situation and it's having an impact on the children. Yes, they shouldn't be deliberately destructive and they need to listen to you, but they're going to be more frustrated and hyperactive than children living in big homes with plenty of space so you need to think of ways to manage that.

I know it’s not what you want your next step to be, but could you rent somewhere bigger/with a garden until banks are offering 95% mortgages again? Then they would be able to blow off steam in the garden and you can watch them from inside if it’s raining and you could give them 2 bedrooms without having to give up a bedroom for yourself.
In the meantime, if your toddler still fits in the high chair then definitely keep him in there to stop him running off during mealtimes. And get rid of all your pens.

One thing I noticed OP, you said the toddler started the deliberately pouring drinks and dropping food around three months ago, and also that you brought the new baby home about three and a half months ago. Do you think your toddler might be feeling displaced and disgruntled at no longer being the baby? Often children's behaviour deteriorates when a new sibling arrives to usurp them in a bid to get some attention back on them.

You've had plenty of suggestions and I can't really add anything, but I must admit I quailed when I read of the damage that had been caused to a property you're renting. I hope you get your deposit back...

i dont really want to add to all the other posts too much, i agree with chucking out the pens etc only use pencils and crayons, drinks to stay in the kitchen except for water (and id give the 1yo a non spill cup) highchair for meal times with the 1yo as well.

we had a sofa bed in the lounge for 5 years. get the ikea one thats meant to be slept on everynight not just an occasional use one. its a life saver.

the other thing i want to recommend is a gorilla gym. it attaches to the door frame and your older children can swing on it. it has hoops/swings/ropes etc. will help direct them to somewhere to climb rather than the furniture.

good luck x

@yesiamyesiamokaycallmeback Sadly I have to agree with @DisappointedOfNorfolk in that recognition in schools in the UK is appalling. Global rates of ADHD suggest there should be 1 child in every class. But diagnosis rates are nowhere near this. Instead you get teachers complaining at you endlessly without grasping what they are actually telling you. On one occasion a teacher listed all of my sons problems at school...every single thing she listed was a diagnostic criterion. I said, "so you think he has ADHD?" She looked confused and said that she was thinking autism. It is just very poorly recognised.

You’ve got your hands full, that’s for sure. You’ve got a new baby, three full of energy kids and you’re overcrowded. Throw in Covid, lockdown, changes in your plans, changes in finances and anyone (child or adult) would crack. I don’t have half of that and I’ve struggled recently.

There’s lots of practical advice on this thread that might help - being creative and flexible with the space you do have might help, and I’d definitely be talking to the school and GP about some support and assessment for your oldest. He might be reacting to everything happening at home but there may be something else at play and support in school might ease pressure at home. It’s not unusual for kids to keep it together at school and then decompress at home. The school will do everything they can to not assess or offer support so you’ll need to be tenacious.

It won’t always be like this, though. Your kids will grow, your finances will ease and your housing situation will change over time, in the meantime do whatever gets you through. I’d echo trying to find a bit of time for each child, if at all possible, try to get your DH to look after the other three while you do something with one of them individually. Address the behavioural stuff but work in connection and relationship wherever you can.

Most of all, give yourself a break, in the best of circumstances parenting 4 small children is hard - and your circumstances are particularly challenging. There will come a time when this all will be a memory.