Help! My children are destroying my home!

[yesiamyesiamokaycallmeback]

I have 4 children ranging in age from 8 to 0. They have absolutely destroyed my home. They rip the wallpaper, pull on the wires for the sky box so they are hanging out, they climb on the doors and have broken three! Three!!!
The carpet stinks, there is pen all over the walls, furniture and carpet. Biro on the sofa. ruined.
They have even broken my wardrobe from climbing in it.
I'm finding it so so so so hard to motivate myself to clean up after them. I dont knoe how to get them to stop wrecking things. It mainly happens when I'm on the toilet (door open shouting 'stop' every single time) or when I'm breastfeeding the baby or putting her to bed for a nap.
I have wanted a new carpet for 2 years but whats the point when my toddler spills every drink on purpose? I want to redecorate the walls but again, what's the point?

I am at my wits end and so is their dad. It is so depressing spending a few hours cleaning on the weekend for the end result to be a dirty, grimy broken home with rips and drips and sticks and I dont know what to do!

Does anyone else's children do this? My mum struggled with us as children (she had 4 too, similar ages) but DH thinks our kids are really bad and apparently he and his siblings (3 with 5 year age gap between 1st and 2nd) never treated their house/ toys badly.

As not to drip feed, we are all squished into a 2 bed flat, it is quite large but obviously too small for us now. We were going to move earlier in the year but Covid threw a spanner or ten into the works and now it looks like we won't be moving for another year at least (more likely 2 or 3).

please no "why did you have children if you only have a flat" I know, but they're here and they are lovely. Just a bit boisterous.

My friends had an indoor swing attached to a main beam in their flat...

I have 11 children and there is NO way i would be standing for that kind of behaviour! No way. I couldn’t live like that.

Consequences: draw on walls = no pens/pencils/crayons in house or unless strictly supervised. Rip the wallpaper/break doors etc = the removal of games consoles/kindles/favourite toy or object. Spill drink on the floor on purpose will conclude with that child drinking out of a water bottle or beaker with a lid until they are trusted. You are the parent, you need to take back some control and set some boundaries.

Lots of outdoor play, bike riding free climbing playground etc to burn off energy . Arts and crafts under lock and key and only done under supervision. Drinks in non spill cups.
The rest needs discipline and re-direction .

Sounds like they are doing a lot for attention and / or out of frustration or boredom.

Big kingdom you sound awesome! I’d love to hear your top 10tips?

Although I think it’s infinitely easier to establish good habits from day one than it is to retrain bad habits . That being said , if op is consistant and clear There’s no reason why the kids can’t learn to be better behave

@BlackeyedSusan great advice I never thought of massages to calm them.
yes they swing off the bunk bed but I don't mind that as it does no harm, but the door is less sturdy.
I remember doing the same as a child so I'm a little less upset about it than dh

my brother had pika (? spelling) as a child and used to pick off the drywall and eat it, pick off paint and wallpaper too so I do understand that some kids are just wreckers

I'll definitely try some of these suggestions. I'll have a look at getting a gorilla gym for Xmas too.
and we went out in the rain today and it did make a noticeable difference. definitely worth the extra washing

thank you everyone, even the meanies I definitely needed to hear that I'm too soft because I am. and thanks everyone for the great suggestions. I've compiled a list of things to try that I haven't thought of before.

I meant to say please don’t get hung up on the kids being cooped up in a flat. It’s difficult I know but there’s lots of people living in homes too small for their family without kids going feral!

I wonder if parenting classes would work for you? Especially since the kids seem to respond d better to your other half..... it would help your confidence in setting your own boundaries and also preventing a unified front with your partner

@WhichOneNowTheRedOrTheGreen
I have spoken to dh about the sofa bed and he said it is a great idea! we have been looking at some this afternoon and will be putting some money aside for one. thank you so much this is such an amazing idea I never ever would have thought of!

I remember one Xmas my dh was working on Xmas day so on the night I pulled the mattress into the living room and me and the kids camped out together. its my favourite Xmas memory now even though I was sad to be on my own with the kids originally so the idea of having a bed in the living room fills me with joy!
I'm really glad your kids are offering you tea now- gives me hope!

@aspergallus
thank you so much
definitely sounds like my eldest. he does not think things through at all. very impulsive
I'll have a read through now
thank you

You need some serious rules and consequences in your household. If you let this behaviour continue, they will be the children who vandalise parks, damage other children's and adults things.

Toddler should only have access to spill proof cups.

I would implement a food and drink in designated space only rule.
They also need to burn off more energy. When we are stuck inside, our go-to are Kinect games on the Xbox.

@yesiamyesiamokaycallmeback

You are welcome.

Reading your post hit a nerve with me.

One of my children has ADHD, pretty severe combined type. For a few years before his diagnosis I was just constantly despairing of our living conditions, constantly trying to find new ways to parent and discipline. I at least had the clue of a pretty sensible older child to make me question what had gone wrong.

Take some time to think about what’s going on and plan what you want to do. Be wary of trying every method other people have mentioned here, because if it is ADHD you might need to tackle things differently and people who age parented without this challenge won’t necessarily get it.

Otherwise, for impulsive, wild and destructive kids with or without ADHD, The Chimp Paradox and My Hidden Chimp are excellent reading.

I've got 5 between 0-12 and the youngest 4 are similar ages to yours. Mine would never do what you describe but we live in a big house where they have their own space. People with 2 children can never understand the pack mentality of lots of children though. My kids are all angels if their are only 2 or 3 of them. All together when tired or hungry or over excited and all hell breaks loose. The only way round it is to be uber strict. I can't let behaviour go that would be ok if you only had 2. They also have others to blame for anything that shouldn't have happened.

So, for example I lose the plot if someone eats with their hands at the dinner table otherwise they would all be doing it. Not putting your shoes away is a criminal offence otherwise their would be 8 shoes lying around in the hall. Screaming is never allowed and had negative consequences otherwise it's unbearable. I was much more relaxed and "didn't sweat the small stuff" when I had 2 children. Now I expect very good behaviour all the time as I can't risk one turning it into mayhem. I divide and conquer quite a lot.

Ps climbing on furniture is a total no. I don't allow standing on the sofa let alone climbbbg up a wardrobe that might topple.

D*o the older children, particularly the 8yo, get a chance to think of themselves as competent members of the household? Do they take part in DIY, ever cook or bake on their own? At this age, I think a real counterweight to destructiveness is giving them responsibilities, preferably something they can take a bit of pride in and that can become their thing.
*
This.

Go for the classic 'action >consequence' approach. Of course your kids will keep on acting like a bunch of wildebeast if they can do what they do, and then you come in and clean up/fix things etc after them... 😣 this is more a parental problem than a kid problem op

don't worry @ArnoJambonsBike nobody wants you to have kids going off what you're writing on a PARENTING WEBSITE

@aspergillus
I will order those as soon as I can

I hadn't really thought about any sort of add or anything like that
isn't it usually picked up in school?
honestly my sons teacher did have to have a word with me about his fidgeting and disrupting class by bopping and twitching and flicking things etc. she was obviously annoyed and I remember feeling so relieved because he does my head in too. constantly moving.
I didn't think any more
he does get told off for climbing the trees in the playground too.
does any of this sound familiar?

sorry by the way- fully using you as a sounding board

@ArnoJambonsBike

We don't have kids and posts like this helps reaffirm that we are right not to have them. The thing that confuses me is that you have four and one of them is under a year old - so you'd had this problem for a few years, going by the age of your oldest, and you've thought "let's have another"

Absolutely baffles me and, to be honest, prevents me from having any sympathy because, you've known what they were like and consciously and deliberately multiple the problem and elongated the period until your youngest grows out of it

Why are you here?

Anyway OP, just wanted to be another one to add that you're not alone. My youngest has ASD and I have often been at my wits end because I really struggle with mess. However, I keep it clean and as PP, laminate flooring and durable paint (can be touched up, unlike wallpaper!) are both good ideas.

I'm here because its interesting. Are you one of those who think its for parents only to post, because I've got news for you, bonny lass, its not!

We had three in less than three years. I went from a professional teacher, famed for amazing behaviour management, with a together life to a less with a house like yours.

Our youngest is now three and a half and things are on the up. We repainted the other day and have new carpets planned.

I honestly just wasnt cut out for looking after toddlers! Hang in there. And never mind the judgies, we arent all the same and it must be super hard with such a tiny place to contain them.

Mess not less!

And to Arno, you are making a tit out of yourself posting on a thread like this without having raised kids. It is honestly one of those things that you cant know until you've done it