Help! My children are destroying my home!

[yesiamyesiamokaycallmeback]

I have 4 children ranging in age from 8 to 0. They have absolutely destroyed my home. They rip the wallpaper, pull on the wires for the sky box so they are hanging out, they climb on the doors and have broken three! Three!!!
The carpet stinks, there is pen all over the walls, furniture and carpet. Biro on the sofa. ruined.
They have even broken my wardrobe from climbing in it.
I'm finding it so so so so hard to motivate myself to clean up after them. I dont knoe how to get them to stop wrecking things. It mainly happens when I'm on the toilet (door open shouting 'stop' every single time) or when I'm breastfeeding the baby or putting her to bed for a nap.
I have wanted a new carpet for 2 years but whats the point when my toddler spills every drink on purpose? I want to redecorate the walls but again, what's the point?

I am at my wits end and so is their dad. It is so depressing spending a few hours cleaning on the weekend for the end result to be a dirty, grimy broken home with rips and drips and sticks and I dont know what to do!

Does anyone else's children do this? My mum struggled with us as children (she had 4 too, similar ages) but DH thinks our kids are really bad and apparently he and his siblings (3 with 5 year age gap between 1st and 2nd) never treated their house/ toys badly.

As not to drip feed, we are all squished into a 2 bed flat, it is quite large but obviously too small for us now. We were going to move earlier in the year but Covid threw a spanner or ten into the works and now it looks like we won't be moving for another year at least (more likely 2 or 3).

please no "why did you have children if you only have a flat" I know, but they're here and they are lovely. Just a bit boisterous.

You must be run ragged. I find it hard enough with two in a flat!

Food- if the toddler left the table with food or threw food then I put it in the bin. Meal over. (You can balance this with a slightly larger snack later, they prob won't notice).
Yes, to cleaning up if they make a mess.
Can your 8 year old (and younger) help a bit more in the kitchen. At 4-5 you can get them chopping easy stuff like carrots and potatoes. Do they help sort and put laundry away?

I had to hide pens (and scissors) until youngest was about 6. Also took the toddler to the bathroom with me.

@Aspergallus
I have never considered ADHD
I will have a look on the NHS website about it.

does it sound like adhd?
my eldest literally runs and runs and runs all day. he is up first and just does not stop

I remember drawing on the walls when I was younger, I only did it once mind as I had to buy paint to cover it up out of my pocket money, which is fair really. I did it for attention in honesty from what I remember. Mess is to be expected, but to be destroying stuff is extreme, especially if as you say school says they aren't like that there.

I'd get them out every day first thing to burn off their energy...this is no fun for you but it's worth it. Don't get carpet...you need hard floors. No wallpaper...plain white walls...that way any marks can be easily wiped and painted over. Leather sofas not fabric. Lots of storage boxes for their stuff...b and m do really good value ones...give them all a packet of baby wipes to clean stuff. You have my absolute sympathy by the way

@GwenCooper81
DH has this down to a T
he has a very deep voice and can usually get them to stop with the look. I'm ashamed to say they run circles around me since baby has come home.

Deep breath.

Get a craft cupboard with a lock on it. All materials go in there.

Next, get a new, easy-clean carpet and redo the walls with wipe-clean paint. You will need to do it anyway when you move, so you may as well do it now to get some benefit from the cash spent. Put washable throws on the sofas.

Now for the hard bit.

• All food and drink at the table. Put a wipe-clean tablecloth on the floor underneath to protect the new carpet from spills. It will also help with craft time.
• You need visible consequences for visible bad behaviour. Time out does work well as a circuit breaker for fighting/meltdowns and bickering. The 8-yesr-old will appreciate pocket money and miss it's removal. For the younger kids, have a toy lockbox they cannot easily open (camping shops will have these). Caught climbing on doors? Well, teddy is going in the lockbox for two days. Broken something permanently? A treasured toy is locked until you replace it.

Longer term, you will need to make a decision; can you save enough in the next two years to buy? Or else, will it be worth renting a bigger place and taking longer to save, for the sake of your sanity? In two years, you will have a toddler and three school age kids in one bedroom. :-(

You need to start disciplining your children, I dread to think how they will grow up.
No child of mine would have dared to destroy my house. Just a look from me would have stopped them in their tracks.
Children NEED boundaries and discipline to thrive, without it they are chaotic and cannot be their best.
My aunt havd 4 children, none of them were smacked or shouted at ever and none of them would have dared to destroy the house because there were consequences.

we already have door locks and they are only allowed in the living room with us or their bedroom

climbing up is particularly dangerous in a flat but I cant stop them all all day. I physically can't.
we did really well with 3 but with 4 I am crumbling.

Are you renting or do you own the flat?

We have 4.tbh going out for 2 hours isn't that much mine need to have lots more exercise or else they a over excitable. When they were younger Saturdays were all day trips to the park/hills/beach even in the rain we just got waterproofs and wellies.usuakky out for 5 to 6 hours. And Sunday was sport day (rugby/football) a followed by a walk in the afternoon. After school we wen to the park all the days I wasn't working often until it was dark.

Would relatives pay for Footie or Rugby rather than gifts for the DC at birthday/Christmas.

Regardless of weather you need them out the house at the weekends!!

Definitely explore ADHD.

The older two absolutely know climbing isn't ok so you need to find a consequence for that... probably loss of screen time because tbh that may be what gets them hyped up.

Have you discussed with them what they think house rules should be?? Plus consequences for not following them?

You sound like a lovely mum, but four children in a two bedroom flat is a lot.
The only way you and your husband will be able to cope is if you start introducing some discipline and rules. Start with the older ones. You will have to be quite tough, as you are making up for lost time. Stick to it and it will work! The little ones will follow suit.

I have 3 dc and sometimes it feels a bit feral. First thing I’d do is have sippy cups or water bottles for all drinks. Any deliberate spills and they only get water.

If toddler runs from the table with his plate then you need to pick him up and bring him back even if it takes 50 times. Older ones would have extreme consequences if or breaking doors etc- they would lose pocket money/tablets etc

With general misbehaving I’d have them sat on the sofa and they could only move to go and do something specific ie play with Lego. No just aimlessly wandering looking to destroy things.

Stop pandering to them- if they don’t behave then they don’t get to do baking etc. Nothing wrong with them being made to sit and be bored If they don’t know how to behave

With respect to the house situation have you considered part rent part buy? Might be a decent compromise for the time being

Oh and I disagree with the majority of posters- they don’t need hours of outside time every day. Yes it helps with energy if you can but you have a new baby. My dc absolutely do not get taken to the park etc every day

@AuditAngel

I had 3 within 6 years. Only one (youngest) ever drew on the wall more than once.

There needs to be consequences that hit hard, immediately. Games console, iPad etc, need removing. If they climb the wardrobe, lock them in the boot of the car, and keep the key in your pocket.

If the toddler gets up from the table, go back to the high chair so they can’t.

I take it you mean lock the console, iPad in the boot and not the child 🤔 😂🤔🤣

The kids are like hamsters in a cage. Desperate to get out. The living situation isn’t ideal as you say, but you can’t do much about that right now. So, you need to tire them out. Outside go for walks, bike rides, roller boots, trampoline, local park, wildlife walks, anything outside and free/ low cost. They need stimulation. Football, basketball, ANYTHING. Let’s see who can jump in the most puddles- ANYTHING. get them out. Ask to walk the neighbours dog????
Discipline. Follow through on your threats or they know you won’t do it and will just laugh right in your face. They are basically sticking two fingers up at you as you’re not giving them boundaries. It sound like hard work. I have experienced two ; not so little now) kids who tore the wallpaper, pores milk in the carpet, burst and broke anything that they could the second their mums back was turned. You need to tire them out, and follow through on your threats.

I agree they need to be out...my ds used to go nuts if stuck at home. I spent every weekend for a decade in the park in all weathers. Football too...wasn't too expensive...£5 a session.

Just I sometimes considered locking myself in the car! My oldest didn’t sleep through until he was a year old, and wasn’t consistent even then. I try to remind myself how much I would pray for him to sleep now he is a teenager who doesn’t want to get up.

@diddlysquatty
to be honest I think I have 3 of your youngest.
I dont know why!

Time out isn’t going to work for an 8 year old. They need proper boundaries.

You also need to take them out rain or shine for hours.

If your husband can manage them so can you if they really believe you mean it.

I wouldn't beat yourself up over it tho OP you have kids... they make a mess I have 2 and they are destroying the house around me as I type this 😅 just do little bits when you get the time or little jobs at night when they go to bed xxx

^ this is bollocks.

Finally you need to move some where bigger - if this means renting and putting off buying for 5 years or more it would be better than buying a house in 2 years.

Well exactly! I just thought it might encourage you in some small way that not all mine were like that - so all the people saying their children would never do that... I think personality of the child does play a part as well as circumstances!

I definitely need to be more ‘on it’ in terms of access to pens etc but it is difficult with older ones and she can be drawing nicely one minute, destroying the next

@DiddlySquatty
exactly its harder now the kids have to do schoolwork at home too! self isolation and bubbles isolating.
had one bu ble popped already!

@Hardbackwriter Think outside the box... a treat could be a trip to the park, or move TV time or a board games evening.

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