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Original poster

Friend’s comment about my new house/being single

280 replies

Litza · 30/09/2020 16:41

I’m probably being over sensitive. Have NC.

I’m 35 and recently broke up with someone. It’s been shit. I’d love to settle down. I’ve lived in my current place for 6 years, a two bed terrace, on the market for 300. I’ve been looking to move anyway because I’ve been a bit bored of this place, first home that was bought when I had no money really and lower salary. Anyway, I’ve decided to move for a bigger garden and to relocate closer to family.

I’m looking at places more countryside way and often the houses are generally bigger and a bit more expensive. I looked at one the other day asking price 525, 4 bed, nice garden, couple of reception rooms and proper parking. It’s not a mansion but a substantial house.

She asked me to send her the link. I did. She sent numerous laughing faces back and said that I would be rambling around it that and she couldn’t imagine me in it.

I don’t know why this has upset me, probably because I feel sensitive about being alone again. But also now I feel conflicted...I have the money to spend and I am on almost double pay since when I took out this mortgage on this small two bed. I wanted to put the money into a new house and climb the ladder but I feel like maybe she’s right, is this going to make me feel lonelier? One the other hand, I don’t want to live in a two bed terrace forever when my life has moved on financially...I would like a utility room and a proper drive etc!

I know the market may crash etc but this isn’t about that it’s just about what she’s said...will I be seen as a joke buying somewhere bigger? I feel like her life is moving on as is everyone else’s but I’m sort of stuck now according to her. She’s such a close friend too and I feel hurt by her comments.

OP posts:

MirandaGoshawk · 30/09/2020 17:16

Isn't it funny how people can give themselves away? She is jealous.

I think it was Mark Twain who said something like: "A little part of me dies when a friend has a success."

movinggoalposts · 30/09/2020 17:19

Perhaps she has money worries. It’s that or she’s a bit of a cow

pictish · 30/09/2020 17:20

I don’t think she’s necessarily jealous, she may, like me, think it’s a massive house for one person to occupy.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 30/09/2020 17:21

Are you absolutely certain she was referring to your being single etc.? My friend has looked at some houses and some I just can't see her in. That's not to do with size however. They just don't seem right somehow.

I have another friend and we joke about the size of her house... We always say we can run laps in it. Its not from jealously or spite or anything like that. Its just a joke. I can only speak for myself but I'd be mortified if she read anything more into it.

perfumeistooexpensive · 30/09/2020 17:21

It's a fabulous idea. Buy the house you wasn't and enjoy it. She's obviously so jealous.

AlternativePerspective · 30/09/2020 17:22

Four bedrooms is a massive house for one person though. Nothing wrong with buying one, but it is.

Quite apart from anything else you’d be setting yourself up for a lot of cleaning 😱

inthebleakmidwinteriwouldsing · 30/09/2020 17:23

Yep she's jealous all right!

And I say this as a council-flat-dweller who won't be buying a place like that any time soon. It sounds lovely! I could never keep it all clean but that's what cleaners are for, surely?

Get some friends who support you and the way you want to live, rather than having predetermined ideas about who you should be just because of your relationship status.

And "she couldn't imagine you in it" is just her saying what a pathetic imagination she has. It's got nothing to do with reality, it's just what's in her head (or not in it, as the case may be).

StandardPoodle · 30/09/2020 17:25

I think it's telling that your friend said didn't you want to buy something bigger than your current house (suggested it's too small), then when you look at something bigger, it's too big. This is all her problem, not yours - absolutely go for the 4 bed and thoroughly enjoy it!"

Afibtomyboy · 30/09/2020 17:25

You start a thread about being hurt about a friend

You say her follow up was “trying to convey” concern

You are not sure whether she might be jealous

All on the basis of one comment.

Whatever her motivations, this is NOT a close friendship.

pictish · 30/09/2020 17:26

And I’m not jealous...I’ve got a four bedroom house. It’s a lot of upkeep I could live without.

Mistymonday · 30/09/2020 17:27

Buy a house that you can afford and that makes your heart sing. Friend may be jealous or misguided but you just do what you need to to build yourself a new start!

SpaceOP · 30/09/2020 17:28

I don't think she's jealous. I think she's genuinely concerned because you say she's a good friend. But she's also wrong. It's not unusual, in my experience, for people to find it very hard to understand how someone could want something so incredibly different to what they want. Eg, if she's got a family and it's all a bit crazy at her house and that's how she likes it, it's likely to be impossible to imagine how you could be happy alone in a large house. My sister is a bit like this - lovely person but honestly doesn't understand that people do things differently and that's okay.

Also, frankly, as a single person, a big house makes a lot of sense to me - all the more space for parties, inviting people over, house guests, spontaneity etc. When I was single it was totally common for friends to sleep over spontaneously, come over for 2 day parties etc. But with dh and kids, frankly, it's not worth it because kids would be tired/i'd be tired etc!

I should note too that I have a happy marriage and 2 wonderful DC.... but I do sometimes find myself fantasising about how I could set up the house if it was just me. I eye up DH's cupboards, look wistfully at DS' room which would make a gorgeous home office, consider how I would furnish DD's room as a lovely guest room....

Hairbobble · 30/09/2020 17:28

Your move is making her feel insecure about her own money worries and that's why she's making a snarky comment. She may be worried that if you go to a bigger house, you'll be 'out of her league' so she's saying mean things hoping to keep you at her level and hope to keep the friendship 'even'. This never works though as it just comes out as looking like jealousy (when it's probably quite a lot of insecurity on her part - and a bit of jealousy too).

Aside from that, you're planning very wisely for the future and you're leaving the past behind which is also very life-affirming. Should you happen to meet someone wonderful - well you'll have a lovely place for you both to live and even space for the patter of tiny feet too... so I'd say go for it, you're getting ready like a bird and creating a nice nest. If no one else ever lives there with you, so what? A nice nest is a nice nest for one, two, whoever knows how many... It's not up to anyone else to judge you or your financial decisions. Good luck and enjoy your lovely new place. For the record an auntie of mine lives in a 5 bedroom house alone and is very happy with it and has done for years, bought with her own money. The only thing I would say is that make sure you're not too far away from civilisation in that it's good to have some community of some kind around you.

MulticolourMophead · 30/09/2020 17:28

From all of your posts, she does sound jealous.

The strange thing with my friend is she is v v supportive of everything really...but whenever finances have come up she’s quite defensive. Only a month ago she was saying ‘don’t you ever want to find somewhere bigger...’ and now I am actually doing it she seems surprised and like it’s a crazy decision.

This strikes me that she's had it in her head that you couldn't afford to move, and you've now proven her wrong, that you're on better pay than she thought and she can't now feel smug about perhaps being in a better house than you were.

CatSmith · 30/09/2020 17:29

I’d be tempted to say something like....

You’re right! I thought about what you said and I’ve changed my mind. I’m staying in my humble little two bed and I’m going to waste the money on travel, exotic holidays, fur coats, designer handbags and shoes and funding Syrian refugees! Or insert anything that will seriously piss her off.

Then move and don’t ever talk to the bitter old cow again. She’s jealous that you’re doing ok for yourself. I hope it all goes well for you.

RunningFromInsanity · 30/09/2020 17:31

I did the same as your friend when my friend moved into a gorgeous 3 story converted barnhouse.

I was jealous. Plain and simple.

AfterSchoolWorry · 30/09/2020 17:33

Is she one of those people who can't be on their own?

You know the ones who are embarrassed to do anything by themselves?

One of them?

Original poster

Litza · 30/09/2020 17:35

catsmith that’s the thing I don’t really spend a lot, never buy expensive clothes etc as it doesn’t interest me. Have the odd holiday but a basic car.

Maybe it came as a surprise to her. I’m not sure. She did say a while back, when talking about a colleague that she would never earn the that much as it was a crazy amount...and sort of said it in a way like I knew what she meant...at the time I was on almost double this pay. I didn’t say anything obviously, but now I wonder if she just didn’t expect me to buy a house like this.

Usually I would brush off things like this but I’m so fragile and sensitive at the moment as I feel very alone in life without a partner. I’m glad to read these posts and know that it doesn’t seem a strange move to most of you...I don’t want to be known as the local loner!

OP posts:

pictish · 30/09/2020 17:35

Bitter old cow? Based on the one ambiguous comment?

SunshineCake · 30/09/2020 17:36

Well she won't be coming to stay in one of your lovely guest bedrooms, will she? What a cow.

By the end of this week you could have met the man who becomes your husband. There is no way of knowing. In five years you could be married with a clutch of kids and she could be divorced and living in a smaller house.

Do what feels right for you, don't buy the house if you will be too stretched or upset if it doesn't ever get filled with kids and live your life how you want. You don't need her permission. Such a cow she is. Would be ex friend tbh.

Original poster

Litza · 30/09/2020 17:37

after school she is in a relationship and they are hoping to move house next year to somewhere a bit bigger. She knows I feel alone right now and that’s the part that has hurt me really, what she said just drew a big yellow highlighter over it!

OP posts:

SunshineCake · 30/09/2020 17:37

She said you were stuck?!?!

Andylion · 30/09/2020 17:39

@pictish

I don’t think she’s necessarily jealous, she may, like me, think it’s a massive house for one person to occupy.

I agree. Maybe she is concerned you would feel more lonely in a big house?

Original poster

Litza · 30/09/2020 17:39

sunshine no she didn’t say I was stuck...I felt like that’s what it is like now.. as in if I don’t meet someone then I can’t justify living somewhere bigger.

I’m v sensitive about it so have clearly read into it a lot..

OP posts:

Original poster

Litza · 30/09/2020 17:40

pitcsh yes she may not be jealous and it could certainly be from a place of concern. I was excited about the house though which is when she asked for a link and it sort of shot me down a bit!

OP posts:

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