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Original poster

Honestly, if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

487 replies

SAHMparanoia · 22/09/2020 13:07

.....or dad!

Hi,

Just that really. Have been a SAHM for a long time (over a decade) and whereas I do like the idea of going back to work - starting my own business maybe at some point, I do definitely feel a lot of pressure and judgements from other women.

I think there probably is an element of internalised judgement too. I often ask myself if it's wrong that I don't contribute anything to the family money pot, but then I obviously contribute in many other ways that my DP doesn't have time for.

If my DP didn't earn good money, I wouldn't be able to choose, so I understand that I am fortunate in that sense, but I do feel a bit like I don't "fit" anywhere now.

I don't know if that's because I genuinely want to get back to work for myself or for others. I get genuinely anxious, borderline embarrassed, when people ask what I do. There have been plenty of times my reply has been met by raised eyebrows and questions such as, "god, aren't you bored?".

I find myself almost excusing and explaining my choice, which I HATE! I shouldn't have to do that. I know I don't have to, but I feel almost cornered sometimes.

So anyway, if you're a working parent, do you look at women like me judge? Or are you also a SAHM and do feel judged?

OP posts:
Goingdooolally · 22/09/2020 20:20

To be honest I do a bit! Mainly those with older children though. But it’s more just - what do they do with their time? Some have kids at boarding school. They don’t volunteer or anything! These are generally intelligent women who are highly educated.

MaryBoBary · 22/09/2020 20:23

Honestly, I just feel jealous. And wonder what their partner does to afford for them not to need to work.

Goingdooolally · 22/09/2020 20:24

PS I don’t need to work financially. However I love my job (teaching) and I find it really intellectually rewarding.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
Goingdooolally · 22/09/2020 20:25

Although on reflection maybe I enjoy working all the more because I don’t need to do it if that makes sense? I also only work 4 days which is perfect.

anon666 · 22/09/2020 20:27

Judge? No.

I don't judge the landed gentry or wealthy who do t need to work either.

If you can afford not to work then hats off to you.

I'm not sure other women are judging you as much as you think - or in the way you might imagine.

If there is any negativity it will likely be a mix of jealousy and resentment that they have to work and juggle it all anyway.

guineapig1 · 22/09/2020 20:29

Absolutely don’t judge. However as pps have said I do worry about the prospects friends who have become SAHPs if they ever needed to become the main earner. Confidence dips and specialist skills date easily if you don’t keep your hand in. You can to a large extent insure against death or critical injury. Less so for redundancy or difficulty in working due to mental health. Ditto divorce or separation.

I work because I am anxious to maintain my skills and because I think it’s a great example to my children. Also because it is a lot of pressure (not necessarily financially) my DH to support on his own. Finally, whilst I consider myself to be in a very happy marriage it is reassuring to know that of the shit hit the fan I could go out tomorrow and secure alternative accomodation for me and the kids.

notaskingforafriend · 22/09/2020 20:34

There are plenty of other ways to find purpose, intellectual stimulation, adult conversation other than in paid employment. The voluntary sector is crying out for people with all sorts of skills.

MrsSchadenfreude · 22/09/2020 20:34

I find it quite sad when women who are phenomenally bright waste their education and never work again after they’ve had kids. I just wonder what was the point of that PhD in nuclear physics if you’re never going to use it, but instead do a bit of volunteering or spend your day in the gym or getting your nails done when your kids are 25 and don’t need you any more, and your husband works all hours and doesn’t notice if you are there or not.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/09/2020 20:39

I think the thing for me, and I hope it's not being judgy, is the women who don't get an education or a marketable skill before becoming a SAHP. My Dsis has never worked a day in her life and never pursued any type of skill. As I mentioned up thread her DH is a wonderful man with a good moral code and all was well. If he had dumped her she would've been up shit creek without a pair of roller skates. On the other hand, we have my cousin whose exH dumped her with a toddler and a baby for some chippy he met at the gym. Luckily she had a dental hygiene degree and had kept up her license and qualifications after she stopped working to raise a family. She was able to step back into a well paying job.

Be a SAHP by all means and may life be all you want it to be. But first get some type of education or training to enable you to be self supporting, be it a 'practical' university degree, office/computer skills, a hairdressing license, even a plumber. It's like having money in the bank.

Kidneybingo · 22/09/2020 20:40

@Goingdooolally

Although on reflection maybe I enjoy working all the more because I don’t need to do it if that makes sense? I also only work 4 days which is perfect.
I think this is massive tbh. Knowing you could walk away must be so freeing.
Love51 · 22/09/2020 20:42

@Girlyracer

I do judge people who don't work when they can do so. It doesn't matter the sex. Those who work pay tax which then contributes to the cost of roads, health, schools, etc. Those who don't work still use all of societies facilities.
@Girlyracer what about retired people? Are they included in the not working not tax paying people using facilities? (although we all pay tax if we buy petrol or clothes or most other things)

I'd rather work (employment / earning wise) less while the kids are young than go at it flat out now and retire young, but my dad did the opposite!

PamDemic · 22/09/2020 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GivenchyDahhling · 22/09/2020 20:43

Not judgment exactly. But I cannot understand why you would choose to be a SAHM. DH is a very high earner, my FT earnings are a quarter of his and our childcare costs are greater than our mortgage, but I never once considered giving up work - I have my own life and ambitions beyond having children, the idea of cooking and cleaning and child rearing all day would be my idea of hell.

But; I am sure there are SAHMs who can’t imagine the thought of having children to then pay someone else to look after to them; not spend all that time creating memories, seeing every step of their development etc. Within my NCT group I was very much the odd one out in this regard - I was last to give birth and first back to work and excited to go back, now the ones who have to are starting to go back the group chat is filled with how much they hate it, advice on negotiating part time hours etc.

So it’s not judgment, but it is a polar opposite mindset.

WhatDoIDooDIoDtahW · 22/09/2020 20:43

I’ve just come off my maternity, handed in my notice as with lockdown and covid I felt my time with my daughter was just, well.. wasted. I’ve just started my open uni course to become a teacher and volunteer in the local primary school once a week. But I still feel judged for not having a job.

Whenever I see anyone I know and I plain I’m not in work I get “are you going to go back to work? Is DP ok with you not having a job? Is DP paying all the bills then?” It’s like they’re sussing out whether I’m a ‘yummy scrummie stay at home mummie’ or genuinely just wanting an extra break with my daughter until I find a job I’ll actually enjoy.. in a school.

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 22/09/2020 20:47

part of me is a little envious, although at the same time I wouldn't want to leave DH shouldering the full burden of supporting the family financially - I imagine that to be quite stressful, and I like that we are each other's fallback.

I also worry a teeny bit for them in case of divorce or widowhood, or sickness/disability in their partner. I suppose the typical MN SAHM with a husband pulling 6 figures and insured to the hilt would be alright, but most of the SAHMs I meet would be screwed.

MsAwesomeDragon · 22/09/2020 20:48

I don't judge in the slightest. I do often wish I had the time they must have. I work, housework, commute, deal with kids, sleep. There's rarely time for things I find fun, going out with friends, watching TV I've chosen, etc. I do think sahms must have more time available for that stuff (possibly not with baby or toddler, but definitely one all kids are at school).

Incrediblytired · 22/09/2020 20:53

I don’t judge at all. I work, it’s hard but for me being a sahm would be harder

Sunnysideup999 · 22/09/2020 20:53

I’ve been both - and felt judged much more as a working mum

Groundhogdayzz · 22/09/2020 20:56

I’ve been SAHM, worked part time and worked full time, SAHM was the hardest of them all. Definitely don’t judge, everyone is different, so long as they are happy with that choice (and had the choice) then great.

TheArtOfStoryTelling · 22/09/2020 20:57

I have my own life and ambitions beyond having children, the idea of cooking and cleaning and child rearing all day would be my idea of hell

Those aren't mutually exclusive though. You can quite easily have your own life and ambitions without a job/career. I personally think it's very sad that so many people think if you don't have a job, you must be bored/lacking social opportunity/unambitious/lazy/etc. I can't think of anything worse than putting my whole life and sense of self-worth into a job. Fuck that. I have plenty of ambitions and passion for life and I love socialising with other adults. None of them relate to or require a job/career for me.

I think it's a better role model for children (boys and girls) to be a working mother than a housewife

I'm sure it's better if you want to impress upon your children the importance of having a job. While I obviously teach my kids that they need money to live (duh!) I'd be really happy if they could find some way of living a comfortable without having to spend 40+ hours a week working! That's getting off topic a bit I suppose, because I'm not really including being a SAHP as a desirable means of doing that, but the point remains.

justfinefornow · 22/09/2020 20:59

I find it quite sad when women who are phenomenally bright waste their education and never work again after they’ve had kids. One of our employees is mind blowingly bright - she works maybe 0-18 hours a week is paid over £100 per hour and looks after her school age kids - she's very happy and chooses to spend her time with her family - her dh is on over £500k a year, she does not come across as someone who wants to shop all day. We're all in awe of her talent...no one thinks what a shame...she doesn't want it or need it. I don't understand why choosing happiness over wealth is subject to judgement.

BlueBoar · 22/09/2020 21:02

@justfinefornow. I do understand that everyone is different and has alternative priorities, that was the point of saying “horses for courses”. But I wonder about my friends who choose to stay at home with all kids in school and housekeepers, gardeners, nannies. They had amazing jobs before kids and they are choosing to be economically inactive ( they will get epic payouts if anything happened to their marriages). But now, ten years on, I don’t need to work thanks to an inheritance but I still work FT in a hugely demanding role in special needs education because I love it. I might go part time if a role came up but I could not be at home all day while DS was at school. It must be a mindset thing. But I can’t believe it’s learned because my own mother only ever earned “pin money” and my role model was my dad. My brother on the other hand seems happy to do a job that pays peanuts but that he is passionate about (sport related) and live off his wife.

Whatcan · 22/09/2020 21:02

As an acquaintance said to me when I was a SAHM, “I honour you” . We can’t all afford to make that choice at all, or for a long time , but if we can afford to then it’s a matter of choice . We all want women to have choices and not be judged. Colleagues have said they do this if they could afford it . When the kids are teenagers sometimes it’s important a parent is around when they get in . And part time roles, paid or not, may be available in the mornings. (which keeps your earning potentially going). Follow your instinct .

PamDemic · 22/09/2020 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justfinefornow · 22/09/2020 21:10

[quote BlueBoar]@justfinefornow. I do understand that everyone is different and has alternative priorities, that was the point of saying “horses for courses”. But I wonder about my friends who choose to stay at home with all kids in school and housekeepers, gardeners, nannies. They had amazing jobs before kids and they are choosing to be economically inactive ( they will get epic payouts if anything happened to their marriages). But now, ten years on, I don’t need to work thanks to an inheritance but I still work FT in a hugely demanding role in special needs education because I love it. I might go part time if a role came up but I could not be at home all day while DS was at school. It must be a mindset thing. But I can’t believe it’s learned because my own mother only ever earned “pin money” and my role model was my dad. My brother on the other hand seems happy to do a job that pays peanuts but that he is passionate about (sport related) and live off his wife.[/quote]
I have friends who had amazing jobs and they happily gave them up when they had kids...it was a choice...sometimes people don't enjoy the seemingly amazing jobs they have!
One of my friends is desperate to retire but Covid has screwed around with her pension so she can't retire at 55 - she's pissed off, she been planning this for years - to do what? Exactly what she pleases! Frankly she has more than enough to retire but she is financially conservative - so I wasn't convinced she had the nerve to do it anyway - even after she confessed to me that she didn't need a pension.